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just not sure

If anyone were to ask if I was okay...I wouldn't know how to answer that.

I mean, in theory, I'm fine.

Absolutley fine.

I go to the gym almost every day. I eat a lot healthier than I have in a long time. I still eat cookies and have the ocassional icecream but I'm doing a hellovalot better than I used to. I'm pretty proud of that.

I try hard to be mindful - to be more 'in the moment' in my life. I notice I'm always 'rushing ahead' to the next thing - like if I'm in work, I'm rushing ahead in my mind to going home...then I get home and I'm rushing ahead to going to bed - ticking off in my mind all the things I need to do...all the things that need my attention between the time I sit on the sofa to watch TV and the time I'm pulling the blanket up over me and gratefully snuggling into bed. Even then, I'm rushing ahead to the next morning in my mind, planning what to wear for work, what to pack for lunch, what workout to do at the gym.

It doesn't stop.

So learning to be mindful makes me force myself to slow...right...down.

I force myself at least once an hour to JUST STOP. Just breathe. Just notice my surroundings.

It makes a big difference.

So when I STOP, breathe and just allow myself to be - I'm okay.

Or am I? Because my thoughts are racing all the time.

And more often than not, I'm having to say to myself "It will be okay, JD...everything will be okay"

Why am I needing that reminder so much these days?

I like where I work and I have a bunch of new, really cool friends. But every morning, I have to have a stern word with myself to actually come into work.

"It will be okay, JD" I tell myself as I brush my teeth.

"You're going to be fine" I repeat, as I press the 'open' button on my key to the electric gate and it slowly swings open.

"Everything will be okay" I say again, as I trudge up the street towards the train station.

Why am I so scared?

Why am I so anxious about going into a perfectly good job?

I think just getting to work and getting home again in one peice is enough for now.

I always imagined I'd do great and wonderful things. For now, though - my goal is to get through the week without falling apart.

Everything will be okay, JD.

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