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It's been one year...

Here in Australia, January 26th is "Australia Day". I think we're the only Country in the world that has a day off just to celebrate being the Country that it is. I really like that :)

This Australia day was a good one. An important one, because I travelled by myself to the city to watch the fireworks. I'm so glad I did because they were so beautiful.

Australia day also marks one exact year since my brother has spoken to me.

One.
Exact.
Year.

Because I lost my sh*t on Australia day last year...and Jay has never forgiven me.

I truly believe he'll hold this 'hurt' close to his chest for the rest of our lives. I've seen him do it with others and I can imagine how easily he's finding doing it to me, too.

It hurts me. A lot. But even though my depression and anxiety will make sure I blame myself and beat myself up for what happened - LOGIC overrules it and these are the facts:

I messed up. Pretty bloody badly.
Jay did NOT take it well.
I apologised.
Jay did not accept.
I apologised again.
Jay did not accept.
I apologised again...
and again...
and again...
and Jay went out of his way to be rude and offensive about it.

I eventually stopped saying sorry.
Jay had long since stopped saying anything.

And that's where we're at - a year later.

It bugs me, you guys. I worry about it. I feel really sad about it - my only sibling can't stand the sight of me. We have a saying here in Oz "hates your guts" and I honestly think that's what Jay feels towards me - he literally hates my insides. My guts. My entire being. He hates it.

I've read that saying "I don't hate you, but if you were on fire and I had a glass of water...I'd drink it"

It made me smile when I first read it because it was so clever.

But that's where I'm at with my brother. If I was on fire and he had a glass of water - omg he'd relish every last drop.

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