Here in Australia, January 26th is "Australia Day". I think we're the only Country in the world that has a day off just to celebrate being the Country that it is. I really like that :)
This Australia day was a good one. An important one, because I travelled by myself to the city to watch the fireworks. I'm so glad I did because they were so beautiful.
Australia day also marks one exact year since my brother has spoken to me.
One.
Exact.
Year.
Because I lost my sh*t on Australia day last year...and Jay has never forgiven me.
I truly believe he'll hold this 'hurt' close to his chest for the rest of our lives. I've seen him do it with others and I can imagine how easily he's finding doing it to me, too.
It hurts me. A lot. But even though my depression and anxiety will make sure I blame myself and beat myself up for what happened - LOGIC overrules it and these are the facts:
I messed up. Pretty bloody badly.
Jay did NOT take it well.
I apologised.
Jay did not accept.
I apologised again.
Jay did not accept.
I apologised again...
and again...
and again...
and Jay went out of his way to be rude and offensive about it.
I eventually stopped saying sorry.
Jay had long since stopped saying anything.
And that's where we're at - a year later.
It bugs me, you guys. I worry about it. I feel really sad about it - my only sibling can't stand the sight of me. We have a saying here in Oz "hates your guts" and I honestly think that's what Jay feels towards me - he literally hates my insides. My guts. My entire being. He hates it.
I've read that saying "I don't hate you, but if you were on fire and I had a glass of water...I'd drink it"
It made me smile when I first read it because it was so clever.
But that's where I'm at with my brother. If I was on fire and he had a glass of water - omg he'd relish every last drop.
This Australia day was a good one. An important one, because I travelled by myself to the city to watch the fireworks. I'm so glad I did because they were so beautiful.
Australia day also marks one exact year since my brother has spoken to me.
One.
Exact.
Year.
Because I lost my sh*t on Australia day last year...and Jay has never forgiven me.
I truly believe he'll hold this 'hurt' close to his chest for the rest of our lives. I've seen him do it with others and I can imagine how easily he's finding doing it to me, too.
It hurts me. A lot. But even though my depression and anxiety will make sure I blame myself and beat myself up for what happened - LOGIC overrules it and these are the facts:
I messed up. Pretty bloody badly.
Jay did NOT take it well.
I apologised.
Jay did not accept.
I apologised again.
Jay did not accept.
I apologised again...
and again...
and again...
and Jay went out of his way to be rude and offensive about it.
I eventually stopped saying sorry.
Jay had long since stopped saying anything.
And that's where we're at - a year later.
It bugs me, you guys. I worry about it. I feel really sad about it - my only sibling can't stand the sight of me. We have a saying here in Oz "hates your guts" and I honestly think that's what Jay feels towards me - he literally hates my insides. My guts. My entire being. He hates it.
I've read that saying "I don't hate you, but if you were on fire and I had a glass of water...I'd drink it"
It made me smile when I first read it because it was so clever.
But that's where I'm at with my brother. If I was on fire and he had a glass of water - omg he'd relish every last drop.
Comments
Post a Comment