God makes beauty from ashes

2 years ago - to this very date - Alun and I were struggling. Big time. We had put an offer in on a house we both really, really liked. The house was small but had a lot of promise and was on a big plot of land that invited change for the better. We were both so excited at first, but within 2 or 3 days of signing the contract, things had all gone to poo. The sellers had 'changed their minds', changed the contract and were bullying us. What followed was months of heartache and confusion. Alun and I didn't know which way was up anymore. We were being jipped every way we turned and there didn't seem to be a way out. It was a horrible, dark, sad, scary, disappointing time and I hope we never 'go there' again. But here's the good that came from it: Alun uncharacteristically fell apart. He is a strong, kind, generous, intelligent man but these guys pushed so hard and so forcefully that Al was undone. BUT THAT'S WHERE I STEPPED UP. Surprising Alun ...

Grey words in my Facebook status ask "What's on your mind, Janet?" Well today, I'll tell you. I'm grieving because my brother has cut me out of his life. I miss him. I'm grieving because he and Kate have had a little baby boy - Sebastian Jay - and he's as cute as a button. I have a nephew and I'd so love to hold him. But I will never be allowed. And I take that personally....because it is personal, after all. Mom rang today and followed up our  phone conversation with an updated picture of week-old Sebastian - he looks so much like Jay did as I baby. I know, because from the moment they brought him home, I was my brother's keeper. I was his protector and his shadow. I loved him and I gave Mom a run for her money when it came to mothering him. I fed him, rocked him to sleep, told him stories, prayed for him, sang to him, tickled his toes and blew raspberries on his stomach. He was everything to me. It hurts me so much that I'm nothi...

I've had such a good run lately that when depression came a'knocking - it floored me. I forgot it could do that, you know. I forgot it could come back and visit whenever it wanted. And so it has. I pray it has only come about because of my lady pains. These ones have been particularly painful. They are so painful in fact, that I think I'll be staying home from Church tomorrow. And I LOVE going to Church. So, this evening, I'm going to "Katniss Everdeen" it. When I was reading the Hunger Games books (a bloody good series - let me tell you!), one part really struck me. Well, two - but I'll blog about the other one another time :) The part that I'll talk about today is the part when Katniss has gone through so much trauma that to settle herself, she reminds herself what her name is and what district she's from. Tonight I'll do something similar. This is what I know: My name is Janet Daniels-Thomas (God willing, it WILL be one day. Ha...

Hey, I have the cartoon movie "Bolt" on in the background - it's so cute. It's only 7:48pm but I'm already struggling to stay awake. I had a full day of work today (again, loved it!) and then Yoga class right after. I ache all over, but it's a good ache. It means I worked hard. Just a short blog today (Sue would be so proud of me) about how grateful I am to have Alun in my life. I got home from work and the front porch light was shining bright. Such a simple thing, really - but it meant the world to me. It meant that someone loves me and expected me home. Alun left the light on for me and it made finding my way home so much easier. It's just a light - but it said to me: "You are loved" "You are important to someone" And that made my day. I'm too tired to write anything else. Goodnight x

"Joyce" at work is the "EO" (executive officer) and I can tell her job means the world to her because I looked on her hand and there wasn't a wedding ring. It was a huge assumption to make "You're not married - so your job is everything to you" - but it wasn't a big leap to make because everything "Joyce" is - is her pride in working for the Minister. There's nothing wrong with that, but I struggled with all the bullying and intimidation she brought with her to the work situation. Her muttered, nasty comments about me and to me, the way she leaned over me when she constantly told me off at work - her hot breath on the back of my neck *shivers* and the way she always made me feel so unwelcome and unwanted. Joyce put me down a lot, made me feel worthless and stupid and every day I had to get up to go to work - was a day I dreaded. One day last week, Joyce took her bullying and threatening up a few notches and I couldn't take...

When I'm depressed, friends I love tell me "count your blessings", "find 3 things you're thankful for", "what things are you happy about in your life?" And when I'm in the first few stages/levels of depression - I can do that. So today, here's what I'm thankful for: A home to come home to. I don't know - something about making a 'home' around me is something I always do. Ever since I was a little girl. I remember we would go camping and at even only 7 or 8 years old, I would make my tent 'home'. I'd bring pictures of my family and put them around my sleeping bag. I'd bring my favourite dolls/teddy bears and set them up right by where my pillows went. I'd arrange my sneakers neatly outside the front of 'my home' and take great pride in keeping my tent neat, tidy and 'welcoming'. I don't know why, but it was very important to me. It always has been. Even my desk at work is gettin...

It's been a tough week for me. Not tough depression-wise - but tough living again . I don't even know how to explain it, but it's a really hard thing to decide to "stick around" even though depression still wraps around me like awful spider webs. Sticky, horrible, and so restrictive to what I try to do. This week I've found that I wanted to fly before I could walk depression-wise. Because I'm not suicidal anymore (Praise God), I think I'm supposed to be back to 100% bubbly, positive, excited about life and extremely happy. They don't tell you about the long road between suicide and living again. It's a long and lonely road. When I felt lost and desperate - I could vocalise that in this blog. I could write about it. I heard from the people I love (thank you for writing to me) and I was able to confess "I'm really, really struggling" and get responded to. Now I'm not lost or desperate - but I'm not well again, ...