It's been a tough week for me.
Not tough depression-wise - but tough living again. I don't even know how to explain it, but it's a really hard thing to decide to "stick around" even though depression still wraps around me like awful spider webs. Sticky, horrible, and so restrictive to what I try to do.
This week I've found that I wanted to fly before I could walk depression-wise.
Because I'm not suicidal anymore (Praise God), I think I'm supposed to be back to 100% bubbly, positive, excited about life and extremely happy.
They don't tell you about the long road between suicide and living again.
It's a long and lonely road.
When I felt lost and desperate - I could vocalise that in this blog. I could write about it. I heard from the people I love (thank you for writing to me) and I was able to confess "I'm really, really struggling" and get responded to.
Now I'm not lost or desperate - but I'm not well again, either.
How do I vocalise that? How do I ask for help when I'm supposedly healed and "all better" now?
Because inside I still feel broken. I feel so twisted up, bent and strange. I don't feel right at all. I just don't feel as bad as I did before.
This week I've been struggling with a temp I was given to train at work.
1) TRAINING should NOT be my job - I'm still NEW at this job
2) I asked for help after the first hour of trying to train a woman who simply DID NOT WANT to listen or work with me to help do the very demanding roles I'm responsible for
Nicola and Stacee said "she's your responsibility, Janet - you need to work more on your management skills and stop coming to us for every little thing"
I have only asked for help once!
Argh.
What I struggled with - is that the temp given to 'help me' was a lady in her mid 40's who had very low self esteem - but that was teamed absurdly with stubbornness, an argumentative nature and absolutely no awareness of what I consider simple social graces.
For instance - space.
"Lesley" the temp liked to stand or sit AS CLOSE AS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE to me. ALL THE TIME.
When you can feel the BREATH of a stranger hot and horrible on your face as they speak - they're too close.
I would stand back to get space and she would step forward.
Lesley latched onto me and followed me around - going everywhere with me which drove me completely nuts. She had this awful habit of leaning over me as I sat on reception - the way teachers lean over students in class - but took it a step further so that her cheek brushed against mine (!!!) and OMG I HATED IT!!!
FFS LESLEY!!! BACK UP!!!
Instead of helping me with Ministerials, Lesley got caught up in really stupid things - straightening all the envelopes on my desk.
"Lesley, please leave them alone and get on with your work"
"But they're not even - that's not right"
"It doesn't matter right now - can you please get on with the filing I've given you?"
"But there are an uneven number of envelopes - you've not got the right number of them on your desk"
Lesley would also RIFLE THROUGH MY PAPERWORK and JUDGE IT.
"You've made a spelling mistake here"
OMG.
"Ok. Thank you. I'll correct it later. I'd appreciate it if you got on with your work and went and sat by YOUR desk, Lesley"
"I like sitting next to you"
FFS.
"I would prefer you to sit in your own work area, Lesley. My desk is small and there isn't room enough for two of us. I also need space to be able to work effectively and I'm sure you do, too"
"I don't. I'm staying here"
ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I suspect she had a form of asbergus (not sure how to spell it) because she showed great stubborness and OBSESSIVENESS with the TINY details ("this person hasn't crossed their 't' or dotted their 'i' in this document") but the BIG PICTURE of actually DOING any work was completely tossed aside.
This made my job so much harder because I was behind in my work - caught up in arguing with Lesley.
As well as arguing about things that were just so insignificant I don't even know how she noticed them - Lesley wanted constant reassurance.
I can't be dealing with that.
Not in the state I'm in.
I wonder if I would have found this week easier if I wasn't still struggling with depression and anxiety?
Because my heart - who I truly believe am at my core - is someone kind. Someone encouraging. If you have low self esteem, I usually seek that out because I so want to help build you up.
But this week I HATED HAVING TO DO IT.
What is wrong with me?
Lesley needed reassurance EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE.
"Am I doing this right, Janet?"
yes.
"What about this?"
that's the same document
"Am I doing a good job with this?"
yes.
"Are you sure?"
yes.
"Do you really mean it or are you just being polite?"
You're doing fine.
"But am I, though?"
yes.
"Do you really think so?"
OMG.
I swear to God, if you ask me AGAIN "Lesley", I will punch you square in the face.
I don't know where my kindness and patience went because honestly - after the first hour of this, I wanted to SCREAM.
After 8 hours of this - and hear me on this - IT DID NOT STOP FOR ONE SECOND - I was back to seriously considering jumping out of the window.
After a WEEK of this constant bombardment of having someone I don't know and don't like (sorry Lesley - I just don't. Because you've driven me to madness with your constant need for reassurance!!!) being around me - so incredibly physically close to me - every single second of every work day...and I'm back to really struggling with depression.
It hurt me and stressed me, too - to see the responses of a few friends on Facebook who were saying "just be kind, Janet - just tell her what she needs to improve and just be patient" What did they think I was doing?!? Did they think I hadn't already tried that?
I had.
I tried and tried and tried.
Lesley WOULDN'T LISTEN.
So the conversations went around and around and around in a painfully frustrating loop "Am I doing this right? Am I doing a good job? Do you think I'm doing a good job? Do you like what I've done? Do you like me? Do you think I'm doing a good job?"
Again and again, I'd quietly and patiently and KINDLY answer "yes, you're doing fine - please get on with your work"
PLEASE!!!
BUT NOTHING I SAID MADE A DIFFERENCE BECAUSE THE QUESTIONS - THE SAME QUESTIONS - would begin again in their horrible loop "Am I doing a good job, Janet?"
I could see that her self esteem was low. I understand that being a temp in a new office is hard and of course things will feel unfamiliar. I understand the need for reassurance when you're doing new things because you want to make sure you're learning and doing the right thing so I knew to be extra patient with Lesley. I knew it was required of me to be kind. Patient. To be someone to put Lesley at ease and help her feel welcome and valued.
But the endless questioning and endless (and it was endless - believe you me) need to be complimented made me SO ANGRY.
I didn't want to be patient with this woman. I wanted to hold her down under the water until the bubbles stopped.
Just to get a minute of peace.
And I hate that about myself. Who am I?
I thought I was a kind, sweet, caring person.
This week, I have learnt I'm not kind. I'm an impatient, INCREDIBLY ANGRY person who DOESNT WANT TO REASSURE a person CONSTANTLY.
My encouragement, my kindness, my patience - IT HAS A LIMIT.
And that's not a good thing, is it?
I wanted to say ONCE or maybe TWICE to "Lesley" - "You're doing fine" and I WANTED FOR THAT TO BE THE END OF IT.
To be asked FIFTY SEVEN MORE TIMES in the next 2 hours DROVE ME COMPLETELY MENTAL.
Even writing to you about it is making me shake.
Who am I in this world?
Not tough depression-wise - but tough living again. I don't even know how to explain it, but it's a really hard thing to decide to "stick around" even though depression still wraps around me like awful spider webs. Sticky, horrible, and so restrictive to what I try to do.
This week I've found that I wanted to fly before I could walk depression-wise.
Because I'm not suicidal anymore (Praise God), I think I'm supposed to be back to 100% bubbly, positive, excited about life and extremely happy.
They don't tell you about the long road between suicide and living again.
It's a long and lonely road.
When I felt lost and desperate - I could vocalise that in this blog. I could write about it. I heard from the people I love (thank you for writing to me) and I was able to confess "I'm really, really struggling" and get responded to.
Now I'm not lost or desperate - but I'm not well again, either.
How do I vocalise that? How do I ask for help when I'm supposedly healed and "all better" now?
Because inside I still feel broken. I feel so twisted up, bent and strange. I don't feel right at all. I just don't feel as bad as I did before.
This week I've been struggling with a temp I was given to train at work.
1) TRAINING should NOT be my job - I'm still NEW at this job
2) I asked for help after the first hour of trying to train a woman who simply DID NOT WANT to listen or work with me to help do the very demanding roles I'm responsible for
Nicola and Stacee said "she's your responsibility, Janet - you need to work more on your management skills and stop coming to us for every little thing"
I have only asked for help once!
Argh.
What I struggled with - is that the temp given to 'help me' was a lady in her mid 40's who had very low self esteem - but that was teamed absurdly with stubbornness, an argumentative nature and absolutely no awareness of what I consider simple social graces.
For instance - space.
"Lesley" the temp liked to stand or sit AS CLOSE AS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE to me. ALL THE TIME.
When you can feel the BREATH of a stranger hot and horrible on your face as they speak - they're too close.
I would stand back to get space and she would step forward.
Lesley latched onto me and followed me around - going everywhere with me which drove me completely nuts. She had this awful habit of leaning over me as I sat on reception - the way teachers lean over students in class - but took it a step further so that her cheek brushed against mine (!!!) and OMG I HATED IT!!!
FFS LESLEY!!! BACK UP!!!
Instead of helping me with Ministerials, Lesley got caught up in really stupid things - straightening all the envelopes on my desk.
"Lesley, please leave them alone and get on with your work"
"But they're not even - that's not right"
"It doesn't matter right now - can you please get on with the filing I've given you?"
"But there are an uneven number of envelopes - you've not got the right number of them on your desk"
Lesley would also RIFLE THROUGH MY PAPERWORK and JUDGE IT.
"You've made a spelling mistake here"
OMG.
"Ok. Thank you. I'll correct it later. I'd appreciate it if you got on with your work and went and sat by YOUR desk, Lesley"
"I like sitting next to you"
FFS.
"I would prefer you to sit in your own work area, Lesley. My desk is small and there isn't room enough for two of us. I also need space to be able to work effectively and I'm sure you do, too"
"I don't. I'm staying here"
ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I suspect she had a form of asbergus (not sure how to spell it) because she showed great stubborness and OBSESSIVENESS with the TINY details ("this person hasn't crossed their 't' or dotted their 'i' in this document") but the BIG PICTURE of actually DOING any work was completely tossed aside.
This made my job so much harder because I was behind in my work - caught up in arguing with Lesley.
As well as arguing about things that were just so insignificant I don't even know how she noticed them - Lesley wanted constant reassurance.
I can't be dealing with that.
Not in the state I'm in.
I wonder if I would have found this week easier if I wasn't still struggling with depression and anxiety?
Because my heart - who I truly believe am at my core - is someone kind. Someone encouraging. If you have low self esteem, I usually seek that out because I so want to help build you up.
But this week I HATED HAVING TO DO IT.
What is wrong with me?
Lesley needed reassurance EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE.
"Am I doing this right, Janet?"
yes.
"What about this?"
that's the same document
"Am I doing a good job with this?"
yes.
"Are you sure?"
yes.
"Do you really mean it or are you just being polite?"
You're doing fine.
"But am I, though?"
yes.
"Do you really think so?"
OMG.
I swear to God, if you ask me AGAIN "Lesley", I will punch you square in the face.
I don't know where my kindness and patience went because honestly - after the first hour of this, I wanted to SCREAM.
After 8 hours of this - and hear me on this - IT DID NOT STOP FOR ONE SECOND - I was back to seriously considering jumping out of the window.
After a WEEK of this constant bombardment of having someone I don't know and don't like (sorry Lesley - I just don't. Because you've driven me to madness with your constant need for reassurance!!!) being around me - so incredibly physically close to me - every single second of every work day...and I'm back to really struggling with depression.
It hurt me and stressed me, too - to see the responses of a few friends on Facebook who were saying "just be kind, Janet - just tell her what she needs to improve and just be patient" What did they think I was doing?!? Did they think I hadn't already tried that?
I had.
I tried and tried and tried.
Lesley WOULDN'T LISTEN.
So the conversations went around and around and around in a painfully frustrating loop "Am I doing this right? Am I doing a good job? Do you think I'm doing a good job? Do you like what I've done? Do you like me? Do you think I'm doing a good job?"
Again and again, I'd quietly and patiently and KINDLY answer "yes, you're doing fine - please get on with your work"
PLEASE!!!
BUT NOTHING I SAID MADE A DIFFERENCE BECAUSE THE QUESTIONS - THE SAME QUESTIONS - would begin again in their horrible loop "Am I doing a good job, Janet?"
I could see that her self esteem was low. I understand that being a temp in a new office is hard and of course things will feel unfamiliar. I understand the need for reassurance when you're doing new things because you want to make sure you're learning and doing the right thing so I knew to be extra patient with Lesley. I knew it was required of me to be kind. Patient. To be someone to put Lesley at ease and help her feel welcome and valued.
But the endless questioning and endless (and it was endless - believe you me) need to be complimented made me SO ANGRY.
I didn't want to be patient with this woman. I wanted to hold her down under the water until the bubbles stopped.
Just to get a minute of peace.
And I hate that about myself. Who am I?
I thought I was a kind, sweet, caring person.
This week, I have learnt I'm not kind. I'm an impatient, INCREDIBLY ANGRY person who DOESNT WANT TO REASSURE a person CONSTANTLY.
My encouragement, my kindness, my patience - IT HAS A LIMIT.
And that's not a good thing, is it?
I wanted to say ONCE or maybe TWICE to "Lesley" - "You're doing fine" and I WANTED FOR THAT TO BE THE END OF IT.
To be asked FIFTY SEVEN MORE TIMES in the next 2 hours DROVE ME COMPLETELY MENTAL.
Even writing to you about it is making me shake.
Who am I in this world?
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