Today Im writing from a place of humility.
I guess that's the only thing you CAN do when you finally put the truth out there and it lets people know what you REALLY are. I put up a front of someone caring and lovely and happy and sweet when really, on the inside, Im actually really ugly and pathetic.
I'm an adulteress who slept with a man who wasn't her husband.
I looked long and hard at myself in the mirror and I dont like what I see. All I can say is that Im sorry. With all my heart, Im so sorry.
When I admit my guilt and shame and a friend loves me nonetheless...it's nothing short of magical.
I think I read in a book once that friends are the people who walk in when everyone else walks out...Im learning that in a really gritty, real way now. I think friends are the glue that holds this world together. The thing about friends is that they are the people you CHOOSE. A person cant choose their family (hahahhaa! Can you IMAGINE if they could?) but God gives us a choice on our friends. We meet people and something...something wonderful happens...a connection is made. Its not tangible...there isnt a moment you can pick out of a timeline and say "thats it. that's when we became friends"...instead, its invisible and seems to suddenly be there.
One day you're regarding "that new girl" with wariness and the next, youre laughing hysterically over something ridiculous and wondering how you ever got by through life without her. Or him.
Sometimes the best friendships are the ones forged in fire.
I think about the friends I've chosen...Sonya with her wisdom, Gracie with her strength, Caris with her ability to always find a way to smile, Jess with her giggle and absolute love of children, Cat and her "Lyndy hop" through life, Lynelle with her bravery through a very serious illness, "Sandy" and her ability to cut through bullsh*t and call it like it really is, Brenna with her beauty, Becci and Stacey and their stubbon faithfulness, Marc and his honesty, Joey T with his amazing warmth and care...the list is endless. When I think about why I picked you all, I could come up with a million reasons. You all mean the world to me, you really do.
What reminds me that God is lovingkindness itself is when I stop and think and realise...you've picked me in return. Im broken and faulty and really, REALLY stupid...and yet, here you are.
Having someone call ME "friend" floors me every time...now more than any time before.
Im learning today that friendship is a choice you have to make again and again...especially through the hard times. When a friend messes up, says something hurtful, does something thoughtless, inevitably p*sses you off (sometimes on purpose and sometimes its purely by accident)...you have to choose again to love them and be their friend. A friend will be there to come get you from a pit...a best friend will be the one who jumped in with you to keep you company. I could so imagine my best friend Cony doing just that...bless her, I love that girl :)
Omg...Im getting old...im already losing my point.
Basically *laughs shakily* Thank you for being there. I really appreciate it.
I find myself at a crossroads now. You all know Im an Adulteress...so...what do I do now? where do I go from here? I wanted to forge ahead, trying to figure out who I am and what God has in store for me but I struggle with the thought that Im a sinner and should be doing penance of some kind. Im not just a sinner, Im the worst kind...I killed my marriage and I have no right to smile or ever laugh again. I feel dead guilty whenever I laugh at something, you know. I correct myself, clear my throat and think "why are you laughing? you have no right". I think back on the painful months I've experienced and think I have no right to complain or seek support and love through this...I've basically caused every bit of it myself.
I want to be able to say "God, please forgive me" and accept that He has and move on...but such a big part of me thinks that is just too easy. I SHOULD hurt. The times I cry myself to sleep and cry myself awake...the times I walk all alone through the city, times where I crumble to my very knees because the pain in my heart is that intense that I cant walk any more, the times I scroll down my phone's "contacts" and think that I cant possibly call anyone and weakly mumble "help?" because I dont deserve it...these are times I FULLY deserve.
And yet...the tiny Janet in my heart wants to try again, anyway. That hopeful, shiny part of me says "You know God loves you. You apologised to Jon over and over and you tried your best...yeah, you f**ked up...but now, let it go. Accept that God and Jon have forgiven you and try your best to honour them. Stop having your stupid pity party and start dreaming again. You've recently started walking again...so believe in God and dont EVER give up...cos you'll be flying in no time"
Two roads, you guys. Two paths.
One is signposted "Janet...YOU COMPLETE MORON" and is a pretty wide road that looks easy enough to follow. I have noticed the grass is yellowed and faded and flowers dont dare grow here...its like they need hope as well as sunshine and rain and without it, they cant grow. This path leads to loneliness and despair and cutting myself off from everyone. Im not 'devout' enough to whip myself or hurt myself or martyr myself...but a large part of me DOES want to hide away and let life go by and accept the consequences of my choices and not say another word about it to anyone. I hurt my husband. I didnt just break his heart, I murdered it in cold blood. I also left a family behind...including the sweetest nephew a girl could ever wish for. I left behind great friends, an entire Church, a youth group and the darling of my heart; my kids club...so many people I devastated. The worst part is that I cant explain or fully remember WHY...just that I was on a crazy mission and could only see ME and no one else. I am so selfish it staggers me.
The other road...is signposted "God's Grace" and is a narrow path - hardly used...that begins with a door. The handle is big and wooden and covered in dust. I can see a faded welcome mat...covered in sand and dirt. The doorway has roses growing haphazzardly around the frame and the huge door has a little window up near the top of the doorframe...but I'm short and even if I stand on my toes, I cant quite see through it...the only way to find out what's on the other side is to open the door. What's surprising is that's a little ajar already, like the hard part's already been done by someone with a twinkle in their eye...inviting me in, but I have to push it the rest of the way.
I'm off to sing and pray and ask God what HE wants me to do.
Can there really be redemption for a sinner like me? really?
Yeah...*smiles despite herself* I think I already know the answer to this...but at this point, I just want His confirmation xx
I guess that's the only thing you CAN do when you finally put the truth out there and it lets people know what you REALLY are. I put up a front of someone caring and lovely and happy and sweet when really, on the inside, Im actually really ugly and pathetic.
I'm an adulteress who slept with a man who wasn't her husband.
I looked long and hard at myself in the mirror and I dont like what I see. All I can say is that Im sorry. With all my heart, Im so sorry.
When I admit my guilt and shame and a friend loves me nonetheless...it's nothing short of magical.
I think I read in a book once that friends are the people who walk in when everyone else walks out...Im learning that in a really gritty, real way now. I think friends are the glue that holds this world together. The thing about friends is that they are the people you CHOOSE. A person cant choose their family (hahahhaa! Can you IMAGINE if they could?) but God gives us a choice on our friends. We meet people and something...something wonderful happens...a connection is made. Its not tangible...there isnt a moment you can pick out of a timeline and say "thats it. that's when we became friends"...instead, its invisible and seems to suddenly be there.
One day you're regarding "that new girl" with wariness and the next, youre laughing hysterically over something ridiculous and wondering how you ever got by through life without her. Or him.
Sometimes the best friendships are the ones forged in fire.
I think about the friends I've chosen...Sonya with her wisdom, Gracie with her strength, Caris with her ability to always find a way to smile, Jess with her giggle and absolute love of children, Cat and her "Lyndy hop" through life, Lynelle with her bravery through a very serious illness, "Sandy" and her ability to cut through bullsh*t and call it like it really is, Brenna with her beauty, Becci and Stacey and their stubbon faithfulness, Marc and his honesty, Joey T with his amazing warmth and care...the list is endless. When I think about why I picked you all, I could come up with a million reasons. You all mean the world to me, you really do.
What reminds me that God is lovingkindness itself is when I stop and think and realise...you've picked me in return. Im broken and faulty and really, REALLY stupid...and yet, here you are.
Having someone call ME "friend" floors me every time...now more than any time before.
Im learning today that friendship is a choice you have to make again and again...especially through the hard times. When a friend messes up, says something hurtful, does something thoughtless, inevitably p*sses you off (sometimes on purpose and sometimes its purely by accident)...you have to choose again to love them and be their friend. A friend will be there to come get you from a pit...a best friend will be the one who jumped in with you to keep you company. I could so imagine my best friend Cony doing just that...bless her, I love that girl :)
Omg...Im getting old...im already losing my point.
Basically *laughs shakily* Thank you for being there. I really appreciate it.
I find myself at a crossroads now. You all know Im an Adulteress...so...what do I do now? where do I go from here? I wanted to forge ahead, trying to figure out who I am and what God has in store for me but I struggle with the thought that Im a sinner and should be doing penance of some kind. Im not just a sinner, Im the worst kind...I killed my marriage and I have no right to smile or ever laugh again. I feel dead guilty whenever I laugh at something, you know. I correct myself, clear my throat and think "why are you laughing? you have no right". I think back on the painful months I've experienced and think I have no right to complain or seek support and love through this...I've basically caused every bit of it myself.
I want to be able to say "God, please forgive me" and accept that He has and move on...but such a big part of me thinks that is just too easy. I SHOULD hurt. The times I cry myself to sleep and cry myself awake...the times I walk all alone through the city, times where I crumble to my very knees because the pain in my heart is that intense that I cant walk any more, the times I scroll down my phone's "contacts" and think that I cant possibly call anyone and weakly mumble "help?" because I dont deserve it...these are times I FULLY deserve.
And yet...the tiny Janet in my heart wants to try again, anyway. That hopeful, shiny part of me says "You know God loves you. You apologised to Jon over and over and you tried your best...yeah, you f**ked up...but now, let it go. Accept that God and Jon have forgiven you and try your best to honour them. Stop having your stupid pity party and start dreaming again. You've recently started walking again...so believe in God and dont EVER give up...cos you'll be flying in no time"
Two roads, you guys. Two paths.
One is signposted "Janet...YOU COMPLETE MORON" and is a pretty wide road that looks easy enough to follow. I have noticed the grass is yellowed and faded and flowers dont dare grow here...its like they need hope as well as sunshine and rain and without it, they cant grow. This path leads to loneliness and despair and cutting myself off from everyone. Im not 'devout' enough to whip myself or hurt myself or martyr myself...but a large part of me DOES want to hide away and let life go by and accept the consequences of my choices and not say another word about it to anyone. I hurt my husband. I didnt just break his heart, I murdered it in cold blood. I also left a family behind...including the sweetest nephew a girl could ever wish for. I left behind great friends, an entire Church, a youth group and the darling of my heart; my kids club...so many people I devastated. The worst part is that I cant explain or fully remember WHY...just that I was on a crazy mission and could only see ME and no one else. I am so selfish it staggers me.
The other road...is signposted "God's Grace" and is a narrow path - hardly used...that begins with a door. The handle is big and wooden and covered in dust. I can see a faded welcome mat...covered in sand and dirt. The doorway has roses growing haphazzardly around the frame and the huge door has a little window up near the top of the doorframe...but I'm short and even if I stand on my toes, I cant quite see through it...the only way to find out what's on the other side is to open the door. What's surprising is that's a little ajar already, like the hard part's already been done by someone with a twinkle in their eye...inviting me in, but I have to push it the rest of the way.
I'm off to sing and pray and ask God what HE wants me to do.
Can there really be redemption for a sinner like me? really?
Yeah...*smiles despite herself* I think I already know the answer to this...but at this point, I just want His confirmation xx
true friends will understand and will always be there for you no matter what. forgiveness is a great thing!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for that comment, you have really blessed me xx
ReplyDeleteI was going to send you an email but thought I might as well post it here. I was going to say that this is the time where you will find out who is your friend and who isn't. Yes, you've done something that most people would find very hard to forgive but it's NOT murder. It is something between you and Jon but of course, people that are closest to him will most likely choose his side, just as your friends will stand by you despite what you've done.
ReplyDeleteI'm aware that there is more to the whole story, something that would make people look at your adultery from a different angle and perhaps even justify your action, equally there will be people like me who still thinks you should have officially left him first. What's more to this story can't be told.
Despite this I'm your friend and will help you if I can, that's what friends are for :)
I hope you realise now how strong you really are - not many people would be able to openly admit their fault as you have done! You have my respect :)
'Sandy'