Heya!
Im blogging and chatting and texting and "online dating" all at once. And the neurologists said I wouldnt be able to multi-task again! Pfft. Too easy.
Seriously, the last few days have been akin to a whirlwind.
Blake texted so I've been thrust into 'dating' I guess...
...Add Tim and Paul to that...and you're where I am right now.
Overwhelmed, killing myself laughing and thinking "what the HECK do I do with this?"
Tiny Janet is NOT amused, however and thinks Im being a tool and I'll end up on the news as the latest murder victim if Im not more careful with my heart.
I am ignoring her. Im 33 in 2 weeks! I dont want to end up old and alone! In my entire life, (and I looked back and properly counted! I swear!) I've only dated about 7 boys...so I feel like if I dont put myself out there and experience things...I'll miss out. I'll be old and alone (I dont think I will even end up a cat lady...even cats would get sick of me, I swear) and never hold a little one in my arms...so I have to go for this!
Tiny Janet is reminding me that it was this kind of thinking that led me to go off to Oz last May and I've lost J through this so I already know Im in the wrong.
But I also know Im getting older by the day. Life isnt getting easier...and I really want a family...so do I follow this crazy path and see where it leads or not?
When I think about being sensible and just STOPPING and praying and deleting all these new guys' numbers off my phone (btw...Matt texted me and because I deleted his number, I texted back "who is this?" he was not impressed) I think about J finally opening up in these last few days and speaking to the youth team about our impending divorce...for J, this is HUGE. This is him not only accepting our break up and being okay with it...this is J being open about it to others. J does NOT make decisions lightly so if he's starting to talk about DIVORCE with others...then that's what he's decided.
A part of me hurts incredibly that I didnt know J felt like this and it hurts that I had to hear about it through a good friend...but then I remember what I've done and I have to accept it with a grateful smile and just be proud of J and how far he's come. I cant imagine how hard this must have all been for him. It must have been hell for him.
Apart from boys coming at me from all angles (and making my head big...these compliments are lovely, let me tell you!) and my phone going off all hours (- between lads and my besties...my phone is rarely silent for 20 minutes in the day)...I am also making leaps and bounds at work (Ive had a few 'work meetings' and my bosses are impressed so Im BEAMING at work every day - this is AWESOME!) and getting closer to Mom and old friends I thought I'd never see again (Ben and Jenelle added me to facebook! I loved them both millions and we lost contact so I'm SUPER EXCITED to be in contact again) are back in my life. I feel like everywhere I turn...there is alot to do, experience, be part of and watch open-mouthed in admiration at.
God is so good.
Or am I hearing from the 'other side' too much? Where is God in all this? What does He think?
Im trying my best to read my Bible every day, to pray CONSTANTLY and to speak with God about everything I think and feel...but just lately...voices of guys and friends on the phone are easier to tune in to than my Heavenly Father...its a struggle.
I feel lost and excited and scared and really hopeful...its an odd combination but you know what? its so much better than being depressed and alone and scared. Id rather feel like THIS than the hell I've been going through in the last few months.
Now Im back to being 'busy Janet'...my diary is FULL, yo! My friends are all here cheering me on and its good to be able to work and go to the gym and feel a bit more like 'myself' again.
Just not sure what the hell Im doing though...I just know that Im knackered every day and my heart still hurts. Its STILL broken. I have J's picture next to my bed and see his handsome face every day and would trade every boy who has EVER been in my life for just one more day with J...but I remember he's moved on. J's happy and safe and well...and it's all without me.
I need to let him go.
I dont want to...but I have to.
Tomorrow I have 2 dates (coffee with Paul in Town and then pizza with Tim at some gourmet place he likes South of the River) as well as catching up with friends and trying to fit in some gym time...Im tired ALREADY just thinking about it.
I'll blog again soon and let you know what's been happening.
Either that...or you'll see me on the news xx
Im blogging and chatting and texting and "online dating" all at once. And the neurologists said I wouldnt be able to multi-task again! Pfft. Too easy.
Seriously, the last few days have been akin to a whirlwind.
Blake texted so I've been thrust into 'dating' I guess...
...Add Tim and Paul to that...and you're where I am right now.
Overwhelmed, killing myself laughing and thinking "what the HECK do I do with this?"
Tiny Janet is NOT amused, however and thinks Im being a tool and I'll end up on the news as the latest murder victim if Im not more careful with my heart.
I am ignoring her. Im 33 in 2 weeks! I dont want to end up old and alone! In my entire life, (and I looked back and properly counted! I swear!) I've only dated about 7 boys...so I feel like if I dont put myself out there and experience things...I'll miss out. I'll be old and alone (I dont think I will even end up a cat lady...even cats would get sick of me, I swear) and never hold a little one in my arms...so I have to go for this!
Tiny Janet is reminding me that it was this kind of thinking that led me to go off to Oz last May and I've lost J through this so I already know Im in the wrong.
But I also know Im getting older by the day. Life isnt getting easier...and I really want a family...so do I follow this crazy path and see where it leads or not?
When I think about being sensible and just STOPPING and praying and deleting all these new guys' numbers off my phone (btw...Matt texted me and because I deleted his number, I texted back "who is this?" he was not impressed) I think about J finally opening up in these last few days and speaking to the youth team about our impending divorce...for J, this is HUGE. This is him not only accepting our break up and being okay with it...this is J being open about it to others. J does NOT make decisions lightly so if he's starting to talk about DIVORCE with others...then that's what he's decided.
A part of me hurts incredibly that I didnt know J felt like this and it hurts that I had to hear about it through a good friend...but then I remember what I've done and I have to accept it with a grateful smile and just be proud of J and how far he's come. I cant imagine how hard this must have all been for him. It must have been hell for him.
Apart from boys coming at me from all angles (and making my head big...these compliments are lovely, let me tell you!) and my phone going off all hours (- between lads and my besties...my phone is rarely silent for 20 minutes in the day)...I am also making leaps and bounds at work (Ive had a few 'work meetings' and my bosses are impressed so Im BEAMING at work every day - this is AWESOME!) and getting closer to Mom and old friends I thought I'd never see again (Ben and Jenelle added me to facebook! I loved them both millions and we lost contact so I'm SUPER EXCITED to be in contact again) are back in my life. I feel like everywhere I turn...there is alot to do, experience, be part of and watch open-mouthed in admiration at.
God is so good.
Or am I hearing from the 'other side' too much? Where is God in all this? What does He think?
Im trying my best to read my Bible every day, to pray CONSTANTLY and to speak with God about everything I think and feel...but just lately...voices of guys and friends on the phone are easier to tune in to than my Heavenly Father...its a struggle.
I feel lost and excited and scared and really hopeful...its an odd combination but you know what? its so much better than being depressed and alone and scared. Id rather feel like THIS than the hell I've been going through in the last few months.
Now Im back to being 'busy Janet'...my diary is FULL, yo! My friends are all here cheering me on and its good to be able to work and go to the gym and feel a bit more like 'myself' again.
Just not sure what the hell Im doing though...I just know that Im knackered every day and my heart still hurts. Its STILL broken. I have J's picture next to my bed and see his handsome face every day and would trade every boy who has EVER been in my life for just one more day with J...but I remember he's moved on. J's happy and safe and well...and it's all without me.
I need to let him go.
I dont want to...but I have to.
Tomorrow I have 2 dates (coffee with Paul in Town and then pizza with Tim at some gourmet place he likes South of the River) as well as catching up with friends and trying to fit in some gym time...Im tired ALREADY just thinking about it.
I'll blog again soon and let you know what's been happening.
Either that...or you'll see me on the news xx
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