It's so weird how a song can transport you. How some lyrics can reflect your life and your heart down to the letter. They're the songs you want to play again and again on your ipod. I really admire great songwriters. Carole King, Newton Faulkner, Beyonce, Rob Thomas, John Mayer...the list is endless. While im blogging this to you, I have 'you tube' open and im listening to all my favourite "Nickleback" songs. Why is it I want to wave my lighter in the air and sing with all my heart? "You're never gonna be alone" is my favourite song right now. Whenever it plays, I think of Becci and I miss her so much.
I miss all my UK youthies so much. I just wish I could tell them what was going on and why things have turned out like they had. When I left England, I didnt even say proper "Goodbye's" to the people I love so much. Given that chance, I dont even know how I'd BEGIN to say Goodbye.
I think thats something Im really struggling with lately...expressing myself.
The words and feelings are there...but when my mouth opens...it all stops. Sense and the entire English language leave me. We have such beautiful words...such a myriad of ways to express ourselves and yet I cant seem to get the words out. In my head, they float about tantilisingly...they make sense to me, they are there and they are as real as snowflakes...but then someone will ask me something and I'll desperately want to say something....ANYTHING...but nothing happens and I end up frustrated and babbling like an idiot.
Blogging has ended up meaning more than I could ever say. Its the one place in the world where I 'work', you know? where the words are tangled, but at least they're HERE and I can take time to type, read things back (you would not BELIEVE the amount of stuff I re-type and the paragraphs I erase blog after blog, honestly) and only press "Publish" when I've read it a thousand times and am happy with it...either that or *smiles wryly* fed up, tired and cant think of anything better to write.
I am noticing so much about my brain injury now. I find I get tired so easily. I get headaches alot. I get frustrated alot...and the me who used to be is becoming a distant memory. Its like I can see me...but im so far away and Im waving and I dont know if thats a goodbye wave or a 'come get me, please...before I dissapear altogether' wave.
I used to be the life of the party, the instigator of sillyness and laughter. I used to laugh. A LOT. I used to dance and sing and find the silver lining. I used to think the glass was half full. I used to look for rainbows and angels and even find butterflies utterly gorgeous and fascinating. I used to be popular and busy and really REALLY happy. I used to be noisy and boisterous and silly and cheeky and LOVE an adventure.
Now...its like while I was asleep on that first night in hospital...someone has gone and painted the world grey. Different shades of grey...and Im forgetting what colours are like.
Before I left England, I was on a high. I had lost alot of weight and remember I used to love getting dressed. That was a new and incredible experience for me. When you put something on that hangs just right...its magical. When jeans dont have to be 'pleaded with' to fit and when things are starting to get baggy and compliments rain down...it's a good life. With the bomb going off about J and I at Church...I faced my biggest fear. The fear that has lurked in the shadows for 32 very long years of my life. The fear that has followed me, mocked me, kept me awake at night and driven almost everything I do...the fear that...God Forbid...SOMEONE DOESNT LIKE ME. That fear has kept me silent when I should have shouted, made me take a step back when I should have run across fields of flowers...the fear that made me stay indoors when the weather was so nice outside...I dealt with it head on in England. Standing on your own as an Adultress is a lonely place. When you let people down who you love and they are shocked and surprised...and dissapointed...you have to face head on that yes, people DONT like you. Not anymore. Not now that you've done the unthinkable.
So I faced it. That first Sunday at Church was awful. I felt like "EVERYONE" knew when really it was only J's family (and only because I'd texted them because I was worried for J's heart and health and knew he'd need their support but would be stubborn and wouldnt ask for it) and maybe a few close friends...friends of both Jon and I...who were hurt and surprised. But still, I found I was alone. I held my held up and went and STAYED and faced whatever came each and every day.
The first few days...weeks...were so hard, but you know what? God was with me. I have never felt his presence more in my entire life. God also sent some really amazing miracles in the form of friends who came from all over to support me and love me when I felt the most unloveable. Texts and letters started coming and instead of the usual "happy-clappy" letters I had been so used to, people were seeing me 'naked' (not literally! ew!) and were being 'naked' right back in what they wrote...these letters were painful and gritty and dark and awesome and ones I will keep forever because ppl wrote through their shock and pain and lifted me up. I had lost alot of weight, but felt I weighed a TONNE due to my sin.
That month sorted the wheat from the chaff. The 'real' friends from people who were eager for gossip or just wanted to judge. The friends I have now...were the ones tested in a fire and the ones who came out unscarred. They're friends Im going to have forever and Im thankful for each and every one of them. "Sandy" especially was a ROCK through this hard time and we got alot closer because of it and I find myself really missing her now that I've moved back to Oz. That month 'made me' in a way. I was a new person.
And the fear was gone. I thought it would kill me...literally...to have people not like me...to have people not think the absolute world of me. I thought I'd crumble and I thought I wouldnt have the strength to survive pain like that...
...but you know what? God, through me, surprised me.
I'm a lot stronger than even I gave myself credit for.
I faced that lifelong fear and I survived.
Even nights alone...nights where I'd 'forget' and reach for J and wake to find him 'gone' and remember and feel so very alone and so lost...I felt a glow because I survived the worst of it and lived to tell about it. I had God's joy in my heart no matter what. I felt it didnt matter what "people" thought anymore. It only mattered what God thought...and what Jon thought...and they had both forgiven me...so f*#k everyone else.
I have NEVER felt more empowered.
Then the accident happened,
And the fear is back.
All the darkness is back and the world is grey. I at least enjoyed colours back in England...now everything is so bleak and im so confused and lost and I dont know if it's going to get better.
All in time, right?
Well you know what? if time was a person, Id kick him in the shin. Hard. Sick of this waiting.
I have a pretty tough week ahead of me. I said I'd work 4 days this week instead of just 3 and I have my first personal training session at the gym this week. I also said I'd meet with Naomi at Quinns on Wednesday and I have Psych appointments and Doctor's appointments in there too...
WHY do I do NOTHING for days and days...then do EVERYTHING in one week???
AAARRRRRRRRRGHHHH!!!
*takes deep breaths* One day at a time.
One day at a time. That's all Im capable of for now.
Wish me luck, I'll write to you tomorrow - Work then Psych then a Centrelink appointment...then God alone knows what. Im tired just THINKING of it.
Goodnight Bloggers xx
I miss all my UK youthies so much. I just wish I could tell them what was going on and why things have turned out like they had. When I left England, I didnt even say proper "Goodbye's" to the people I love so much. Given that chance, I dont even know how I'd BEGIN to say Goodbye.
I think thats something Im really struggling with lately...expressing myself.
The words and feelings are there...but when my mouth opens...it all stops. Sense and the entire English language leave me. We have such beautiful words...such a myriad of ways to express ourselves and yet I cant seem to get the words out. In my head, they float about tantilisingly...they make sense to me, they are there and they are as real as snowflakes...but then someone will ask me something and I'll desperately want to say something....ANYTHING...but nothing happens and I end up frustrated and babbling like an idiot.
Blogging has ended up meaning more than I could ever say. Its the one place in the world where I 'work', you know? where the words are tangled, but at least they're HERE and I can take time to type, read things back (you would not BELIEVE the amount of stuff I re-type and the paragraphs I erase blog after blog, honestly) and only press "Publish" when I've read it a thousand times and am happy with it...either that or *smiles wryly* fed up, tired and cant think of anything better to write.
I am noticing so much about my brain injury now. I find I get tired so easily. I get headaches alot. I get frustrated alot...and the me who used to be is becoming a distant memory. Its like I can see me...but im so far away and Im waving and I dont know if thats a goodbye wave or a 'come get me, please...before I dissapear altogether' wave.
I used to be the life of the party, the instigator of sillyness and laughter. I used to laugh. A LOT. I used to dance and sing and find the silver lining. I used to think the glass was half full. I used to look for rainbows and angels and even find butterflies utterly gorgeous and fascinating. I used to be popular and busy and really REALLY happy. I used to be noisy and boisterous and silly and cheeky and LOVE an adventure.
Now...its like while I was asleep on that first night in hospital...someone has gone and painted the world grey. Different shades of grey...and Im forgetting what colours are like.
Before I left England, I was on a high. I had lost alot of weight and remember I used to love getting dressed. That was a new and incredible experience for me. When you put something on that hangs just right...its magical. When jeans dont have to be 'pleaded with' to fit and when things are starting to get baggy and compliments rain down...it's a good life. With the bomb going off about J and I at Church...I faced my biggest fear. The fear that has lurked in the shadows for 32 very long years of my life. The fear that has followed me, mocked me, kept me awake at night and driven almost everything I do...the fear that...God Forbid...SOMEONE DOESNT LIKE ME. That fear has kept me silent when I should have shouted, made me take a step back when I should have run across fields of flowers...the fear that made me stay indoors when the weather was so nice outside...I dealt with it head on in England. Standing on your own as an Adultress is a lonely place. When you let people down who you love and they are shocked and surprised...and dissapointed...you have to face head on that yes, people DONT like you. Not anymore. Not now that you've done the unthinkable.
So I faced it. That first Sunday at Church was awful. I felt like "EVERYONE" knew when really it was only J's family (and only because I'd texted them because I was worried for J's heart and health and knew he'd need their support but would be stubborn and wouldnt ask for it) and maybe a few close friends...friends of both Jon and I...who were hurt and surprised. But still, I found I was alone. I held my held up and went and STAYED and faced whatever came each and every day.
The first few days...weeks...were so hard, but you know what? God was with me. I have never felt his presence more in my entire life. God also sent some really amazing miracles in the form of friends who came from all over to support me and love me when I felt the most unloveable. Texts and letters started coming and instead of the usual "happy-clappy" letters I had been so used to, people were seeing me 'naked' (not literally! ew!) and were being 'naked' right back in what they wrote...these letters were painful and gritty and dark and awesome and ones I will keep forever because ppl wrote through their shock and pain and lifted me up. I had lost alot of weight, but felt I weighed a TONNE due to my sin.
That month sorted the wheat from the chaff. The 'real' friends from people who were eager for gossip or just wanted to judge. The friends I have now...were the ones tested in a fire and the ones who came out unscarred. They're friends Im going to have forever and Im thankful for each and every one of them. "Sandy" especially was a ROCK through this hard time and we got alot closer because of it and I find myself really missing her now that I've moved back to Oz. That month 'made me' in a way. I was a new person.
And the fear was gone. I thought it would kill me...literally...to have people not like me...to have people not think the absolute world of me. I thought I'd crumble and I thought I wouldnt have the strength to survive pain like that...
...but you know what? God, through me, surprised me.
I'm a lot stronger than even I gave myself credit for.
I faced that lifelong fear and I survived.
Even nights alone...nights where I'd 'forget' and reach for J and wake to find him 'gone' and remember and feel so very alone and so lost...I felt a glow because I survived the worst of it and lived to tell about it. I had God's joy in my heart no matter what. I felt it didnt matter what "people" thought anymore. It only mattered what God thought...and what Jon thought...and they had both forgiven me...so f*#k everyone else.
I have NEVER felt more empowered.
Then the accident happened,
And the fear is back.
All the darkness is back and the world is grey. I at least enjoyed colours back in England...now everything is so bleak and im so confused and lost and I dont know if it's going to get better.
All in time, right?
Well you know what? if time was a person, Id kick him in the shin. Hard. Sick of this waiting.
I have a pretty tough week ahead of me. I said I'd work 4 days this week instead of just 3 and I have my first personal training session at the gym this week. I also said I'd meet with Naomi at Quinns on Wednesday and I have Psych appointments and Doctor's appointments in there too...
WHY do I do NOTHING for days and days...then do EVERYTHING in one week???
AAARRRRRRRRRGHHHH!!!
*takes deep breaths* One day at a time.
One day at a time. That's all Im capable of for now.
Wish me luck, I'll write to you tomorrow - Work then Psych then a Centrelink appointment...then God alone knows what. Im tired just THINKING of it.
Goodnight Bloggers xx
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