Sometimes growing is awesome...you feel like you've learnt something and want to rush outside and start changing the world - I felt like that when I was little. I'd pack a lunch in my 'barbie' backpack, jump on my clunky old bmx and go out 'exploring' wanting to change the world and make it a better place...
...and sometimes growing just hurts your heart.
...like it did today when I heard a knock in the door and called out happily "who is it?" (I was expecting Deane - he came over last night and we had a great chat) and heard a very quiet "It's Bec"...
...and just like that, time just stopped. In the space of 2 seconds, these things happened:
* I remembered Bec and I laughing and hugging when we went to Fremantle markets and had a great day
* I remembered the first day I met Bec and thought my brother had fallen in love with the most beautiful girl I had EVER seen
* I remembered being in England and missing Bec more than I missed my brother...and for me...that's a big deal
* I remembered walking home from the gym so often here in Perth 3 years ago and NEVER leaving the gym without hearing my phone ring and laughing as I told Bec all about my workout and got tips on how to eat healthy from her
* I remember having to leave Perth and the heartwarming card Bec wrote me
* I remember the Christmas Jay and Bec came out to England and it was the FIRST Christmas where I had MY family there as well as Jon's and to this day it means the world to me
* I remember knowing I could always count on Bec. She'd always be there for me, always return emails, always answer my calls, always make time for me
* Then...THEN...I remembered that last phonecall and the things she said. The way I had just survived the hardest, darkest, most compelling, evil night of my life and when I was at the end of my rope and could take no more, she told me how worthless I was and it hurt more than if someone had shot me right in the heart. I remembered the text she sent to my brother (but somehow copied me in on?) and what she said about me-to my own brother-and I cringe. It hurts so much.
So I was faced with a tough choice for when I opened the door.
Do I smile?
Hug?
shake hands?
walk off?
shout?
shake my head and ask with tears in my eyes: "Why?"
I opened the door and Bec stepped in, looked past me and asked "Does your Mom have email?"
I just wanted to cry.
Instead, I went over to the computer and awkwardly shuffled papers about.
Where did it all go so wrong?
I love my sister-in-law like my very own sister.
This is what I should have done...what I wish I did:
I should have said "Hey Bec! Im so happy to see you" and I would have meant it with all my heart. I should have put my stupid pride aside and hugged her tight and asked if we could both start over.
But instead, walls went up and I got cross and mostly ignored Bec while she and Mom chatted about holidays. To her credit, Bec was more of a grown up and called out to include me in the conversation a few times. Nettled by the FACT that she was being more mature than me, I answered in one-word replies and sulked.
Then she was gone and Im here thinking Im a huge idiot and wondering why I cant let the past go.
Bec...if you're out there...I'm sorry for whatever hurt I caused you. I miss you and I hope you'll forgive me and want to start over as much as I do.
Today I'm left wondering...If I made the trek out to Ellenbrook to see Bex and gingerly knocked on the door...what would SHE do?
Peace out, bloggers. Pray for me? xx
...and sometimes growing just hurts your heart.
...like it did today when I heard a knock in the door and called out happily "who is it?" (I was expecting Deane - he came over last night and we had a great chat) and heard a very quiet "It's Bec"...
...and just like that, time just stopped. In the space of 2 seconds, these things happened:
* I remembered Bec and I laughing and hugging when we went to Fremantle markets and had a great day
* I remembered the first day I met Bec and thought my brother had fallen in love with the most beautiful girl I had EVER seen
* I remembered being in England and missing Bec more than I missed my brother...and for me...that's a big deal
* I remembered walking home from the gym so often here in Perth 3 years ago and NEVER leaving the gym without hearing my phone ring and laughing as I told Bec all about my workout and got tips on how to eat healthy from her
* I remember having to leave Perth and the heartwarming card Bec wrote me
* I remember the Christmas Jay and Bec came out to England and it was the FIRST Christmas where I had MY family there as well as Jon's and to this day it means the world to me
* I remember knowing I could always count on Bec. She'd always be there for me, always return emails, always answer my calls, always make time for me
* Then...THEN...I remembered that last phonecall and the things she said. The way I had just survived the hardest, darkest, most compelling, evil night of my life and when I was at the end of my rope and could take no more, she told me how worthless I was and it hurt more than if someone had shot me right in the heart. I remembered the text she sent to my brother (but somehow copied me in on?) and what she said about me-to my own brother-and I cringe. It hurts so much.
So I was faced with a tough choice for when I opened the door.
Do I smile?
Hug?
shake hands?
walk off?
shout?
shake my head and ask with tears in my eyes: "Why?"
I opened the door and Bec stepped in, looked past me and asked "Does your Mom have email?"
I just wanted to cry.
Instead, I went over to the computer and awkwardly shuffled papers about.
Where did it all go so wrong?
I love my sister-in-law like my very own sister.
This is what I should have done...what I wish I did:
I should have said "Hey Bec! Im so happy to see you" and I would have meant it with all my heart. I should have put my stupid pride aside and hugged her tight and asked if we could both start over.
But instead, walls went up and I got cross and mostly ignored Bec while she and Mom chatted about holidays. To her credit, Bec was more of a grown up and called out to include me in the conversation a few times. Nettled by the FACT that she was being more mature than me, I answered in one-word replies and sulked.
Then she was gone and Im here thinking Im a huge idiot and wondering why I cant let the past go.
Bec...if you're out there...I'm sorry for whatever hurt I caused you. I miss you and I hope you'll forgive me and want to start over as much as I do.
Today I'm left wondering...If I made the trek out to Ellenbrook to see Bex and gingerly knocked on the door...what would SHE do?
Peace out, bloggers. Pray for me? xx
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