I've told you my story about "Gareth" - one that's altered and changed me and ultimately broken my heart and my will.
It was very important to me to pen it - to write it - and to read it and nod, knowing I lived through it.
Thank you to those of you who read it. Thank you darling "Atta" for commenting on it. You mean the world to me.
Another story in my life - another chapter that altered and changed me, was my life with Anne in it.
You ready? Cos this one's a doozy.
My story with Anne ran alongside/at the same time as my story with "Gareth"...can you imagine? Two very difficult tragedies in my life at the very same time. I'll try to write just about Anne and I and not include "Gareth" in this story - but I just want you to know that at the very same time, I was dealing with his manipulation and 'grooming', too.
Where to start?
I guess...at the beginning.
I met Anne in the Church parking lot. We'd been told as a Youth Group to expect another member - a young girl, around our age - who had been through "a really rough time" with her family. As Anne had an "abusive Father", she had been taken out of her home environment and would now be living in one of the Church "girls' homes". We were all told to be caring/gentle with Anne and to welcome her as much as we could.
As soon as I heard we were getting a new person, my heart lit up. "Friend" bounced around happily in my head. "new friend" Squeeee! I was so excited. I'd be the one to make her feel the most welcome. I was so excited about showing her around.
I wonder how tall Anne would be? What would she look like? I wonder if Anne would join our music team?
The evening came for Anne's arrival and I was outside in the parking lot, waiting and giggling with the other girls. We were all so looking forward to seeing her.
Anne got out of a car and walked towards us. She was tall-ish (taller than me - but I think at 5'2, everyone is! haha), young and had big brown eyes. Her hair was short and in a bob. She was wearing a blue and white stripey top and jeans. She looked Italian...and she was.
I liked her right away.
The girls and I circled around Anne, talking at once, we were all so pleased to meet her.
That was Day 1.
Over the next few weeks, I noticed that Anne lied. A lot. About everything. Just little white lies...but in my innocent life, they stood out to me as odd and unnecessary. For instance, we all had little chores within the Youth group - helping to put away/stack chairs after a meeting, putting out food, doing the dishes, cleaning the toilets (not anyone's favourite, but we all took turns and that made it seem fair), putting projection sheets up during music and songs, taking turns at teaching younger children in Sunday school...and so on. I noticed that whenever it was Anne's turn to do something helpful, she'd lie.
"Chris (our Youth Leader) said I didn't have to this week - Janet, you do it"
Oh. Okay. He did?
So I'd clean the toilets even though Anne was rostered. I heard her telling people she had a huge family. I knew from Natalee (Chris' wife and our other youth leader) that Anne only had one younger brother and one younger sister. Where did this "huge family" come from? I heard Anne telling Cara (my then best friend) that Emma (another girl in our youth group) really wanted to help out with the dishes that night. Then I saw Anne go to Emma and say "Cara wants you to do dish duty tonight even though it's my turn - are you okay to fill in for me?"
I frowned. This didn't seem right at all.
Or maybe I was reading too much into this?
At the time, I was a backing singer in our Youth band...a position I had worked hard to achieve and was fiercely proud of. Anne pulled me aside after a few weeks of attending.
"Hey Janet" she whispered quietly. Looking around to make sure no one was nearby. Worried, I did the same and lowered my voice to match hers "Not to dull your mood or anything, but I heard Natalee telling Natasha you sounded really flat today and that you were bringing the band down..."
She did?
Natalee was my hero in many ways and I sought to be so much like her - A leader, a strong woman and a wonderful singer.
I was...flat?
Why hadn't Natalee told me herself?
"Oh" I said. Heart broken.
"I wouldn't mention it to them" Anne sniffed "you know...you don't want to stir things up, do you?"
I had no idea what that meant. Wouldn't it be better to speak to Natalee and get guidance on how to improve?
Anne shook her head "No! Please don't tell them I told you. Pretend you don't know - ok? Or I'll get into trouble for telling you. I don't want to look like a spy or anything" Anne pleaded.
Oh. Okay.
I felt really uneasy about this.
But I left it.
When I think back on it now, I wish with all my heart that back then - when all these little lies had begun...that I'd forced them out into the open. I wish I had asked Natalee about my singing. I wish I had asked again about Anne's "huge family" and made sure it was corrected. I wish I had spoken to Chris about toilet cleaning duty because then I would have found out that Chris hadn't asked me to do Anne's job at all. She had lied to get out of doing it.
Whenever I ran into Anne, she was whispering. She was whispering to someone about something. Or she had her ear pressed against a door, listening in. Anne was always phrasing things like a question and planting seeds of doubt all through the Youth Group.
"Did she really say you could sing tonight - or were you just thinking that?"
"Oh I don't know about that dress being too short...yes, others can see your bum...but if that's the look you want to go for - I think you should just own it? Don't you?"
I was always confused and uneasy about Anne. She caused a quiet alarm in me - in my life.
I don't want this to sound cocky or 'big headed', but I was the most popular girl at Youth group. I loved that position and I loved going to Youth every Friday night because the girls would wait for me to arrive and then enfold me in hugs and squeals of delight when I got out of Dad's car and waved goodbye to him. I was a singer in the band, a head teacher in Sunday school and someone who was really 'going places' in the Church, being mentored by Natalee to sing and lead worship at Church and being taught more about the Bible by Church leaders. I loved being me and I loved being part of Church and Youth Group.
Anne seemed to sense this in me and as time went by over the next few years, she slowly - little by little - took every privilege and joy away from me in the Church.
All through well-placed lies.
I'm ashamed I let her.
Anne's lies got bigger and bolder and eventually led to my demise in such a huge, shocking, dramatic wave that threatened honestly to kill me.
I'll tell you about that in Chapter 2.
It was very important to me to pen it - to write it - and to read it and nod, knowing I lived through it.
Thank you to those of you who read it. Thank you darling "Atta" for commenting on it. You mean the world to me.
Another story in my life - another chapter that altered and changed me, was my life with Anne in it.
You ready? Cos this one's a doozy.
My story with Anne ran alongside/at the same time as my story with "Gareth"...can you imagine? Two very difficult tragedies in my life at the very same time. I'll try to write just about Anne and I and not include "Gareth" in this story - but I just want you to know that at the very same time, I was dealing with his manipulation and 'grooming', too.
Where to start?
I guess...at the beginning.
I met Anne in the Church parking lot. We'd been told as a Youth Group to expect another member - a young girl, around our age - who had been through "a really rough time" with her family. As Anne had an "abusive Father", she had been taken out of her home environment and would now be living in one of the Church "girls' homes". We were all told to be caring/gentle with Anne and to welcome her as much as we could.
As soon as I heard we were getting a new person, my heart lit up. "Friend" bounced around happily in my head. "new friend" Squeeee! I was so excited. I'd be the one to make her feel the most welcome. I was so excited about showing her around.
I wonder how tall Anne would be? What would she look like? I wonder if Anne would join our music team?
The evening came for Anne's arrival and I was outside in the parking lot, waiting and giggling with the other girls. We were all so looking forward to seeing her.
Anne got out of a car and walked towards us. She was tall-ish (taller than me - but I think at 5'2, everyone is! haha), young and had big brown eyes. Her hair was short and in a bob. She was wearing a blue and white stripey top and jeans. She looked Italian...and she was.
I liked her right away.
The girls and I circled around Anne, talking at once, we were all so pleased to meet her.
That was Day 1.
Over the next few weeks, I noticed that Anne lied. A lot. About everything. Just little white lies...but in my innocent life, they stood out to me as odd and unnecessary. For instance, we all had little chores within the Youth group - helping to put away/stack chairs after a meeting, putting out food, doing the dishes, cleaning the toilets (not anyone's favourite, but we all took turns and that made it seem fair), putting projection sheets up during music and songs, taking turns at teaching younger children in Sunday school...and so on. I noticed that whenever it was Anne's turn to do something helpful, she'd lie.
"Chris (our Youth Leader) said I didn't have to this week - Janet, you do it"
Oh. Okay. He did?
So I'd clean the toilets even though Anne was rostered. I heard her telling people she had a huge family. I knew from Natalee (Chris' wife and our other youth leader) that Anne only had one younger brother and one younger sister. Where did this "huge family" come from? I heard Anne telling Cara (my then best friend) that Emma (another girl in our youth group) really wanted to help out with the dishes that night. Then I saw Anne go to Emma and say "Cara wants you to do dish duty tonight even though it's my turn - are you okay to fill in for me?"
I frowned. This didn't seem right at all.
Or maybe I was reading too much into this?
At the time, I was a backing singer in our Youth band...a position I had worked hard to achieve and was fiercely proud of. Anne pulled me aside after a few weeks of attending.
"Hey Janet" she whispered quietly. Looking around to make sure no one was nearby. Worried, I did the same and lowered my voice to match hers "Not to dull your mood or anything, but I heard Natalee telling Natasha you sounded really flat today and that you were bringing the band down..."
She did?
Natalee was my hero in many ways and I sought to be so much like her - A leader, a strong woman and a wonderful singer.
I was...flat?
Why hadn't Natalee told me herself?
"Oh" I said. Heart broken.
"I wouldn't mention it to them" Anne sniffed "you know...you don't want to stir things up, do you?"
I had no idea what that meant. Wouldn't it be better to speak to Natalee and get guidance on how to improve?
Anne shook her head "No! Please don't tell them I told you. Pretend you don't know - ok? Or I'll get into trouble for telling you. I don't want to look like a spy or anything" Anne pleaded.
Oh. Okay.
I felt really uneasy about this.
But I left it.
When I think back on it now, I wish with all my heart that back then - when all these little lies had begun...that I'd forced them out into the open. I wish I had asked Natalee about my singing. I wish I had asked again about Anne's "huge family" and made sure it was corrected. I wish I had spoken to Chris about toilet cleaning duty because then I would have found out that Chris hadn't asked me to do Anne's job at all. She had lied to get out of doing it.
Whenever I ran into Anne, she was whispering. She was whispering to someone about something. Or she had her ear pressed against a door, listening in. Anne was always phrasing things like a question and planting seeds of doubt all through the Youth Group.
"Did she really say you could sing tonight - or were you just thinking that?"
"Oh I don't know about that dress being too short...yes, others can see your bum...but if that's the look you want to go for - I think you should just own it? Don't you?"
I was always confused and uneasy about Anne. She caused a quiet alarm in me - in my life.
I don't want this to sound cocky or 'big headed', but I was the most popular girl at Youth group. I loved that position and I loved going to Youth every Friday night because the girls would wait for me to arrive and then enfold me in hugs and squeals of delight when I got out of Dad's car and waved goodbye to him. I was a singer in the band, a head teacher in Sunday school and someone who was really 'going places' in the Church, being mentored by Natalee to sing and lead worship at Church and being taught more about the Bible by Church leaders. I loved being me and I loved being part of Church and Youth Group.
Anne seemed to sense this in me and as time went by over the next few years, she slowly - little by little - took every privilege and joy away from me in the Church.
All through well-placed lies.
I'm ashamed I let her.
Anne's lies got bigger and bolder and eventually led to my demise in such a huge, shocking, dramatic wave that threatened honestly to kill me.
I'll tell you about that in Chapter 2.
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