My psych appointments with beloved "George" are coming quickly to an end. Because a very high up Doctor reviewed me and found me 'sane' (woo!) she also said I didn't need to be attending psych appointments anymore and has given me to the 30th December (not long away) to 'tie up loose ends' with George and then go along my merry way - on my own.
Eek!
It's made me think back on all the things George and I have worked through in my life over the last 2-3 years (I can't believe it's been that long! Sheesh!) and I feel bad because all I've told George are the bad things in my life. The hard times I've faced, my fears, worries and stresses.
I swear, George must think I leave the peace of his psych office and go out into a battlefield, ducking and diving, dodging and rolling, racing until our next appointment where I can sit and just hash it all out with him.
I want him - and you - to know my life is a good life.
It's certainly quieter and calmer (even though it doesn't seem that way as I'm always complaining on this blog of mine) than it used to be...but I think that's a sign of growing older. I'm not much of a "party go-er" anymore. I'm more one for a cup of fruit tea and a good book. I don't mind that.
My last few blog posts have been very deep. Very serious. They've hurt to write and I've ached terribly reading over them - but getting them written is paramount to me. I have to know I made them real. I have to know the truth about my life and what I've gone through is out there. Especially with what I've been through with Anne - where so much was 'fiction' (her doing) and confusion (what I struggled a lot with) that I just didn't know which way was 'up' any more. It is sooo incredibly important to me to live in truth and to speak the truth as much as I can in my day to day life. There is a purity and solidity about it that is so beautiful. So reliable. So secure.
But I need you to know that as well as being a victim, I'm a survivor. As well as being bitter, a stubborn grudge-holder and someone who seems to be able to remember the things that hurt me instantly and with clarity but struggles to remember the blessings...I'm a dreamer.
I believe I've seen the ugly, dark, evil side of life in some ways...but I've cherished it's beauty, as well :)
I'm a worrier - and I'm a warrior! I'm a loser and I'm a winner. I'm doubtful and fearful...but I'm also playful and impulsive. I take HUGE risks, I lose GREATLY and I also win small but incredibly important battles.
I'm not just a bitter old lady...I'm also still very much a hopeful teenager on the inside. I'm still a playful little kid. I'm still a giddy young girl. I'm still silly, jolly, innocent, curious and sweet. I need you to know this.
I'm a wonderful singer. I have a timbre and power to my voice that speaks of heartaches, dreams, triumphs and loss. I have something in my voice that is unlike anyone's you've ever heard. I'm incredible at it and very proud of it.
I'm an incredible writer, too. I'm a natural story teller, a passionate philanthropist and a curious and compassionate author. What I write has so much meaning and value. I'm one of the best. I know that about myself and don't doubt it for a second.
I love children and I think that shines out of me when I work alongside them. I think children meet me and know instantly that they can talk to me. I think they know I will understand them, cherish them, celebrate them and adore them. I've had so many children who don't know me walk right up to me to show me a new toy or new sneakers. I've had a little Aboriginal boy come straight up to me, point to the little cotton ball taped carefully onto his arm, pout beautifully and announce "I got a needle today"...oh my heart. I knelt down so that we were eye-level and pouted in return "that must have hurt you". He nodded. I gently reached out and patted his hand "I bet you were brave, though" he gave a wobbly smile "I cried a bit, but then I was okay". I looked around for his parents and spotted his Mom nearby. I offered her a warm smile and she smiled back. "He's not normally like this" she explained. Oh I know. And that's something I love about myself. I make children feel at ease and I don't even have to try. It's something I do naturally.
I hadn't meant for it in any way and 'accidentally fell into it' long ago, but I'm a damn good receptionist, too. There is something about this position particularly that calls for someone caring. Someone level-headed and able to spot BS and call it right away - but for the most part, it calls for someone who can make people feel welcome, feel important and put people at ease; while at the same time making sure everything in the background runs smoothly. Again, I'm naturally good at this. I love what I do and I do it well.
I'm incredibly blessed:
1) God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. My 3 that I will always have in my life. No matter if I'm scared and hiding in a park that night - or if I'm cosy and safe in a comfortable bed - God, Jesus and the HS are always with me. In this, I am never alone and I am always cared for.
2) Alun. Where do I even begin to tell you how much this man blesses me? I love him so much. Alun always has my back, always supports, loves and encourages me and is my soft place to land. I couldn't wish for a better husband.
3) My dear friends. I love you all so much. Lynelle, Cat, Kim, Claudette, Janet Thomas, all the UK youth, Andrew B, G, Lynne C...all my friends that gather around me to care and to remind me of the silver lining...you all mean the world to me. To anyone reading my blog...I love you. Thank you for walking through the valleys with me and rejoicing with me on the mountain tops. You guys are my world. Truly you are.
I need you to know I'm not just misery and loss, ok?
Don't forget me xx
Eek!
It's made me think back on all the things George and I have worked through in my life over the last 2-3 years (I can't believe it's been that long! Sheesh!) and I feel bad because all I've told George are the bad things in my life. The hard times I've faced, my fears, worries and stresses.
I swear, George must think I leave the peace of his psych office and go out into a battlefield, ducking and diving, dodging and rolling, racing until our next appointment where I can sit and just hash it all out with him.
I want him - and you - to know my life is a good life.
It's certainly quieter and calmer (even though it doesn't seem that way as I'm always complaining on this blog of mine) than it used to be...but I think that's a sign of growing older. I'm not much of a "party go-er" anymore. I'm more one for a cup of fruit tea and a good book. I don't mind that.
My last few blog posts have been very deep. Very serious. They've hurt to write and I've ached terribly reading over them - but getting them written is paramount to me. I have to know I made them real. I have to know the truth about my life and what I've gone through is out there. Especially with what I've been through with Anne - where so much was 'fiction' (her doing) and confusion (what I struggled a lot with) that I just didn't know which way was 'up' any more. It is sooo incredibly important to me to live in truth and to speak the truth as much as I can in my day to day life. There is a purity and solidity about it that is so beautiful. So reliable. So secure.
But I need you to know that as well as being a victim, I'm a survivor. As well as being bitter, a stubborn grudge-holder and someone who seems to be able to remember the things that hurt me instantly and with clarity but struggles to remember the blessings...I'm a dreamer.
I believe I've seen the ugly, dark, evil side of life in some ways...but I've cherished it's beauty, as well :)
I'm a worrier - and I'm a warrior! I'm a loser and I'm a winner. I'm doubtful and fearful...but I'm also playful and impulsive. I take HUGE risks, I lose GREATLY and I also win small but incredibly important battles.
I'm not just a bitter old lady...I'm also still very much a hopeful teenager on the inside. I'm still a playful little kid. I'm still a giddy young girl. I'm still silly, jolly, innocent, curious and sweet. I need you to know this.
I'm a wonderful singer. I have a timbre and power to my voice that speaks of heartaches, dreams, triumphs and loss. I have something in my voice that is unlike anyone's you've ever heard. I'm incredible at it and very proud of it.
I'm an incredible writer, too. I'm a natural story teller, a passionate philanthropist and a curious and compassionate author. What I write has so much meaning and value. I'm one of the best. I know that about myself and don't doubt it for a second.
I love children and I think that shines out of me when I work alongside them. I think children meet me and know instantly that they can talk to me. I think they know I will understand them, cherish them, celebrate them and adore them. I've had so many children who don't know me walk right up to me to show me a new toy or new sneakers. I've had a little Aboriginal boy come straight up to me, point to the little cotton ball taped carefully onto his arm, pout beautifully and announce "I got a needle today"...oh my heart. I knelt down so that we were eye-level and pouted in return "that must have hurt you". He nodded. I gently reached out and patted his hand "I bet you were brave, though" he gave a wobbly smile "I cried a bit, but then I was okay". I looked around for his parents and spotted his Mom nearby. I offered her a warm smile and she smiled back. "He's not normally like this" she explained. Oh I know. And that's something I love about myself. I make children feel at ease and I don't even have to try. It's something I do naturally.
I hadn't meant for it in any way and 'accidentally fell into it' long ago, but I'm a damn good receptionist, too. There is something about this position particularly that calls for someone caring. Someone level-headed and able to spot BS and call it right away - but for the most part, it calls for someone who can make people feel welcome, feel important and put people at ease; while at the same time making sure everything in the background runs smoothly. Again, I'm naturally good at this. I love what I do and I do it well.
I'm incredibly blessed:
1) God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. My 3 that I will always have in my life. No matter if I'm scared and hiding in a park that night - or if I'm cosy and safe in a comfortable bed - God, Jesus and the HS are always with me. In this, I am never alone and I am always cared for.
2) Alun. Where do I even begin to tell you how much this man blesses me? I love him so much. Alun always has my back, always supports, loves and encourages me and is my soft place to land. I couldn't wish for a better husband.
3) My dear friends. I love you all so much. Lynelle, Cat, Kim, Claudette, Janet Thomas, all the UK youth, Andrew B, G, Lynne C...all my friends that gather around me to care and to remind me of the silver lining...you all mean the world to me. To anyone reading my blog...I love you. Thank you for walking through the valleys with me and rejoicing with me on the mountain tops. You guys are my world. Truly you are.
I need you to know I'm not just misery and loss, ok?
Don't forget me xx
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