As the years went by, Anne and I grew closer as friends. I think it was a natural progression because I was close friends with all the girls at youth that were close to my age. We were a tight knit group and talked daily - whether we were in Church, at our different schools, whatever. We were best friends and Anne slotted in naturally.
Anne made me very uncomfortable, though - as she seemed to really enjoy gossip. I only really knew about the lives of the young girls and guys in Youth, but Anne knew about everyone. She knew which person was seeing who in the Church, who was in charge of this or that and she delighted in whenever people messed up. She loved it.
Anne grew in popularity through...bribery. She would buy us all little gifts. She would compliment us on everything - our clothes, perfume, hair styles. She had an amazing cheeky little giggle. We all thought the world of her.
I thought it was a natural state of affairs that we would form into little groups in the Youth/Church. There are obviously girls I felt closer to than others and soon, little 'clicks' within our large group were established. Anne was in and out of every 'click'. She seemed to carefully and subtly collect secrets/gossip and seemed to be building them up - putting them in some invisible bank for later, somehow. I had never seen anything like it so I was uncomfortable with this, but didn't know how to explain it or stop it...so I just went about my life and let it slide.
Because I was innocent and grew up pretty sheltered, I guess I had no secrets.
So Anne made it her duty to give me some.
I remember struggling with depression at the time - really struggling as it was the first time in my life I had encountered it. I was put into the psych ward in a very fancy private hospital and I spent about 4-6 months in there. I was put on very heavy medication that made my head fuzzy. I struggled to form a clear thought and spent a lot of my time in hospital asleep or in therapy. In my free time, I made friends with other girls close to my age in hospital and was visited constantly by my friends in the youth. I was visited particularly often by Gareth...and by Anne.
I remember when it all started to unravel with Anne.
She came to visit me - just her and I. We were sat on my bed in my fancy private room. It was like a posh hotel room. I loved my hospital room.
"Hey Janet...has your Dad ever...um...touched you?" Anne asked, hesitantly.
"We hug all the time!" I replied happily. My Dad is such a dag :)
"No...like...touched you" Anne said, moving her face closer to mine.
I didn't understand. I didn't like the odd feeling it gave me in my stomach.
"What do you mean?" I asked, frowning.
"Well, he's not your real Dad, is he?" Anne countered. "So really, he could have sex with you and it wouldn't be incest at all"
Wait. What?!?
I gulped. My head was so fuzzy and it was hard to come to terms with what Anne was saying. I had Gareth's crazy ideologies floating about, I was still thinking about my recent psychology session and things I was working through on my own personal level...so Anne's prompting was really confusing to me.
"Uh no..." I started. "He's never..."
"But that's how it all starts" Anne smiled and patted my hand "Just a quick hug here and there...but I bet he brushes against your boob or something, hey?"
I frowned. This didn't make sense at all.
My breasts? What did this have to do with my Dad?
"It's okay" Anne soothed, stroking my arm and it was distracting me "You can confide in me" she said. "That's why I was moved away from my home...because my Dad was having sex with me. I can see it in your eyes that you're suffering the same thing too. Why else would you be in hospital?"
What?
No no. This wasn't right.
"But my Dad, he never -"
"Shhh" Anne soothed again. "We'll keep it between us girls"
She hugged me and left.
I was so lost. What had just happened?
And over the next few weeks and months...more visits from Anne. More coaxing to "tell my secret" until I started to believe that there was something going on in my family that wasn't right. I guess in my vulnerable state...I was open to suggestion and was starting to believe Anne's carefully placed stories about my own Father.
I was allowed "release" over the weekend after a few months of hospitalisation and I was looking forward to going to Church and to Youth Group. I was really looking forward more than anything to just feeling "normal" again, surrounded by my friends.
When I went to Youth Group, though - no one was there to greet me. My 'fan club' were all inside, gathered around Anne - with adoration on their faces. I came into the Church building and felt confused. When had this all happened?
"Oh Janet" Anne cooed "Nice to see you again"
Um...ok?
Anne kept talking, regaling the girls with a fantastic story and they all drank it in. No one welcomed me back and I didn't know where to stand or what to do with my arms. I didn't know what to do with myself as a whole. I felt like an outsider. It felt awful.
As the band started to prepare to lead songs, Anne got up onto the stage.
What was this?!?
She took my favourite microphone and held it to her lips.
That was my mic!
She sang in the band in my place!
What on earth was going on here? I couldn't keep the worried frown from my face.
My best friend Cara was singing along beside me. "Cara" I said, nudging her gently. Cara smiled and raised her eyebrows in question "What's Anne doing up there?"
"You didn't know?" Cara replied "She volunteered to do all your duties and leading while you were away in hospital - isn't that sweet of her?"
I felt it was anything but.
I felt like I was being replaced and I hated it.
In my vulnerable state, I couldn't think clearly. What had I missed? What was going on here? Maybe Anne had told me about this but I couldn't remember?
Maybe this was my doing somehow? Maybe I deserved it?
I went back to hospital feeling I was more at home there than I was in my Church and at Youth Group. How had this happened?
As the next few weeks went along, I got noticeably less visits from my friends at Church but more intense visits from Anne and Gareth. Anne had somehow convinced me to ask Nursing staff to prevent my Dad from visiting "It's just not appropriate, you know?" Anne had said.
I was so confused, I just did whatever she told me to.
My Mom was really angry about my Dad not being to visit. She stopped talking to me. It all seemed to happen in a fuzzy, grey haze. I felt disconnected to it all...as if I was in a dream and didn't understand how to deal with it in reality.
I remember my 21st birthday. I was in hospital. My brother rang to say happy birthday. We had been very, very close in all our years growing up and hearing his voice on the line meant everything to me. I could hear commotion in the background.
"Jay?" I asked "What's all that noise?"
"Oh that" Jay chuckled "We're going on camp, we're sooo excited! Anne arranged for me to come even though I'm the youngest person going - how cool is that? I think she's awesome. She really listens to me and has made me feel so welcome"
I don't know why, but I didn't like the sound of that.
I didn't know they were going on camp. I had always been the first to know. The first to be invited. I remember always being so excited and planning the days ahead with my best friends Cara, Dee and Melissa. Why had no one told me about this? I wasn't even invited?
Anne came to visit a few weeks later.
"Janet - I have a wonderful idea"
Uh oh.
"We should get a house together!"
We should?
"Yeah - so we can finally get away from our Dads"
I was so tired at this point. So worn down. So confused. I had Gareth in one ear and Anne in the other. I had psychology appointments and changes of medication every other day. I was so lost and so broken.
Even so, I knew this was not a good idea.
"I don't want to move away from my family" I complained.
"Pssht. Don't be stupid. Of course you do. That's the control your Dad has you under. Don't let him control you any longer. You need to be free of him, Janet. You need to spread your wings"
I couldn't breathe. I felt so panicked and confused.
Spread my wings?
"But you live in a girl's home...don't you want to stay there?" I offered, hoping we could just drop the whole thing.
"No. I need my independence. I'm 19! I can't be living in a little girls' home. That makes no sense! Don't you see?"
I didn't. I didn't want to 'see'.
"I have all the papers here - just sign where I've marked it with a highlighter"
Woah.
This was all so fast.
How did she already have papers? Didn't we both need to see the house first? How much was this going to cost?
A million panicked thoughts raced around my head. This was a huge decision. I had never thought of moving away from my family before. I loved my room - right next door to my brother's...I loved our family kitchen and I loved being at home. I wanted to make that last as long as I could, really.
"Janet - you can't stay in the same house as your abuser" Anne chided.
My what?
I rubbed my head. It was spinning and my heart was racing. The new medication was making me feel queasy. This was all too much.
"I need you to sign these papers and get this house with me because I'm not old enough to do this on my own. I need a legal adult" Anne said that part really quickly, I could barely catch it. Then she went on slowly and with passion: "I can't think of anyone I'd rather share a first home with than you! You're my best friend"
I was?
"But Anne...I don't think I'd like -"
"Also" Anne interrupted; "I didn't want to say anything earlier" Anne put her arm around me and placed a huge bundle of papers with highlighter marks through them onto my lap as she spoke: "But people at Church are starting to talk...about you...and how you're 21 years old for goodness sakes but you're still at home. Like a big baby"
They were saying that about me? I was a baby?
"You look...dependant...as if you can't do anything yourself. Is that how you want to look to others?"
Anne reached over and grabbed a pen from my bedside table. She put it into my hands and pointed at several places on the blurry page in front of me.
This was...exhausting. I felt so sick. I just wanted to sleep. What on earth was going on?
"Shouldn't I...I um...I should read this first?" I offered, gesturing at the mound of official-looking papers in front of me.
"No darling. It's all sorted. I found a great little place. Just sign here"
and I did
"and here"
I scrawled my wobbly signature again
This went on for page, after page after page. It seemed endless.
"and finally on this last page" Anne directed "...and put a date"
I got to the date part and squinted my eyes.
"It's Monday the 15th" Anne said, helpfully
so I wrote that in.
Anne was tiring me out. Quickly. Maybe if I just did all this as fast as I could, I could finally lie down. I was so very, very tired.
"Also" Anne continued - again at such a fast and loud pace that I felt bulldozed by it all "They need the bond but you know I can't afford it all on my own. don't you? We need to pay half each. I've asked my brother "Nicko" to pay your half and when you get out, just send him the $2500.00 (!!!).
The WHAT?!?
I gulped with difficulty, my mouth was bone dry.
"What?" I forced out a whisper
"Actually, just give me your bankcard, I'll sort out your share of the payments"
Anne held her hand out and clicked her fingers impatiently.
My what?
"Come on, come on - I've got shit to do" Anne said, clicking her fingers again.
I couldn't concentrate. I was so tired.
"Okay" sighed Anne impatiently "I'll get it myself"
She picked up my purse from my bedside table, took out my bankcard and offered a sweet smile.
"Aww hunni, you look exhausted. Lay down"
I nodded, eyes already so heavy with the medications I was on.
"See you later" she whispered, pulling the blanket up to my shoulders. "Shhh"
I allowed the darkness to take over and fell into a fitful sleep.
I had no idea of the huge storm that was coming.
Anne made me very uncomfortable, though - as she seemed to really enjoy gossip. I only really knew about the lives of the young girls and guys in Youth, but Anne knew about everyone. She knew which person was seeing who in the Church, who was in charge of this or that and she delighted in whenever people messed up. She loved it.
Anne grew in popularity through...bribery. She would buy us all little gifts. She would compliment us on everything - our clothes, perfume, hair styles. She had an amazing cheeky little giggle. We all thought the world of her.
I thought it was a natural state of affairs that we would form into little groups in the Youth/Church. There are obviously girls I felt closer to than others and soon, little 'clicks' within our large group were established. Anne was in and out of every 'click'. She seemed to carefully and subtly collect secrets/gossip and seemed to be building them up - putting them in some invisible bank for later, somehow. I had never seen anything like it so I was uncomfortable with this, but didn't know how to explain it or stop it...so I just went about my life and let it slide.
Because I was innocent and grew up pretty sheltered, I guess I had no secrets.
So Anne made it her duty to give me some.
I remember struggling with depression at the time - really struggling as it was the first time in my life I had encountered it. I was put into the psych ward in a very fancy private hospital and I spent about 4-6 months in there. I was put on very heavy medication that made my head fuzzy. I struggled to form a clear thought and spent a lot of my time in hospital asleep or in therapy. In my free time, I made friends with other girls close to my age in hospital and was visited constantly by my friends in the youth. I was visited particularly often by Gareth...and by Anne.
I remember when it all started to unravel with Anne.
She came to visit me - just her and I. We were sat on my bed in my fancy private room. It was like a posh hotel room. I loved my hospital room.
"Hey Janet...has your Dad ever...um...touched you?" Anne asked, hesitantly.
"We hug all the time!" I replied happily. My Dad is such a dag :)
"No...like...touched you" Anne said, moving her face closer to mine.
I didn't understand. I didn't like the odd feeling it gave me in my stomach.
"What do you mean?" I asked, frowning.
"Well, he's not your real Dad, is he?" Anne countered. "So really, he could have sex with you and it wouldn't be incest at all"
Wait. What?!?
I gulped. My head was so fuzzy and it was hard to come to terms with what Anne was saying. I had Gareth's crazy ideologies floating about, I was still thinking about my recent psychology session and things I was working through on my own personal level...so Anne's prompting was really confusing to me.
"Uh no..." I started. "He's never..."
"But that's how it all starts" Anne smiled and patted my hand "Just a quick hug here and there...but I bet he brushes against your boob or something, hey?"
I frowned. This didn't make sense at all.
My breasts? What did this have to do with my Dad?
"It's okay" Anne soothed, stroking my arm and it was distracting me "You can confide in me" she said. "That's why I was moved away from my home...because my Dad was having sex with me. I can see it in your eyes that you're suffering the same thing too. Why else would you be in hospital?"
What?
No no. This wasn't right.
"But my Dad, he never -"
"Shhh" Anne soothed again. "We'll keep it between us girls"
She hugged me and left.
I was so lost. What had just happened?
And over the next few weeks and months...more visits from Anne. More coaxing to "tell my secret" until I started to believe that there was something going on in my family that wasn't right. I guess in my vulnerable state...I was open to suggestion and was starting to believe Anne's carefully placed stories about my own Father.
I was allowed "release" over the weekend after a few months of hospitalisation and I was looking forward to going to Church and to Youth Group. I was really looking forward more than anything to just feeling "normal" again, surrounded by my friends.
When I went to Youth Group, though - no one was there to greet me. My 'fan club' were all inside, gathered around Anne - with adoration on their faces. I came into the Church building and felt confused. When had this all happened?
"Oh Janet" Anne cooed "Nice to see you again"
Um...ok?
Anne kept talking, regaling the girls with a fantastic story and they all drank it in. No one welcomed me back and I didn't know where to stand or what to do with my arms. I didn't know what to do with myself as a whole. I felt like an outsider. It felt awful.
As the band started to prepare to lead songs, Anne got up onto the stage.
What was this?!?
She took my favourite microphone and held it to her lips.
That was my mic!
She sang in the band in my place!
What on earth was going on here? I couldn't keep the worried frown from my face.
My best friend Cara was singing along beside me. "Cara" I said, nudging her gently. Cara smiled and raised her eyebrows in question "What's Anne doing up there?"
"You didn't know?" Cara replied "She volunteered to do all your duties and leading while you were away in hospital - isn't that sweet of her?"
I felt it was anything but.
I felt like I was being replaced and I hated it.
In my vulnerable state, I couldn't think clearly. What had I missed? What was going on here? Maybe Anne had told me about this but I couldn't remember?
Maybe this was my doing somehow? Maybe I deserved it?
I went back to hospital feeling I was more at home there than I was in my Church and at Youth Group. How had this happened?
As the next few weeks went along, I got noticeably less visits from my friends at Church but more intense visits from Anne and Gareth. Anne had somehow convinced me to ask Nursing staff to prevent my Dad from visiting "It's just not appropriate, you know?" Anne had said.
I was so confused, I just did whatever she told me to.
My Mom was really angry about my Dad not being to visit. She stopped talking to me. It all seemed to happen in a fuzzy, grey haze. I felt disconnected to it all...as if I was in a dream and didn't understand how to deal with it in reality.
I remember my 21st birthday. I was in hospital. My brother rang to say happy birthday. We had been very, very close in all our years growing up and hearing his voice on the line meant everything to me. I could hear commotion in the background.
"Jay?" I asked "What's all that noise?"
"Oh that" Jay chuckled "We're going on camp, we're sooo excited! Anne arranged for me to come even though I'm the youngest person going - how cool is that? I think she's awesome. She really listens to me and has made me feel so welcome"
I don't know why, but I didn't like the sound of that.
I didn't know they were going on camp. I had always been the first to know. The first to be invited. I remember always being so excited and planning the days ahead with my best friends Cara, Dee and Melissa. Why had no one told me about this? I wasn't even invited?
Anne came to visit a few weeks later.
"Janet - I have a wonderful idea"
Uh oh.
"We should get a house together!"
We should?
"Yeah - so we can finally get away from our Dads"
I was so tired at this point. So worn down. So confused. I had Gareth in one ear and Anne in the other. I had psychology appointments and changes of medication every other day. I was so lost and so broken.
Even so, I knew this was not a good idea.
"I don't want to move away from my family" I complained.
"Pssht. Don't be stupid. Of course you do. That's the control your Dad has you under. Don't let him control you any longer. You need to be free of him, Janet. You need to spread your wings"
I couldn't breathe. I felt so panicked and confused.
Spread my wings?
"But you live in a girl's home...don't you want to stay there?" I offered, hoping we could just drop the whole thing.
"No. I need my independence. I'm 19! I can't be living in a little girls' home. That makes no sense! Don't you see?"
I didn't. I didn't want to 'see'.
"I have all the papers here - just sign where I've marked it with a highlighter"
Woah.
This was all so fast.
How did she already have papers? Didn't we both need to see the house first? How much was this going to cost?
A million panicked thoughts raced around my head. This was a huge decision. I had never thought of moving away from my family before. I loved my room - right next door to my brother's...I loved our family kitchen and I loved being at home. I wanted to make that last as long as I could, really.
"Janet - you can't stay in the same house as your abuser" Anne chided.
My what?
I rubbed my head. It was spinning and my heart was racing. The new medication was making me feel queasy. This was all too much.
"I need you to sign these papers and get this house with me because I'm not old enough to do this on my own. I need a legal adult" Anne said that part really quickly, I could barely catch it. Then she went on slowly and with passion: "I can't think of anyone I'd rather share a first home with than you! You're my best friend"
I was?
"But Anne...I don't think I'd like -"
"Also" Anne interrupted; "I didn't want to say anything earlier" Anne put her arm around me and placed a huge bundle of papers with highlighter marks through them onto my lap as she spoke: "But people at Church are starting to talk...about you...and how you're 21 years old for goodness sakes but you're still at home. Like a big baby"
They were saying that about me? I was a baby?
"You look...dependant...as if you can't do anything yourself. Is that how you want to look to others?"
Anne reached over and grabbed a pen from my bedside table. She put it into my hands and pointed at several places on the blurry page in front of me.
This was...exhausting. I felt so sick. I just wanted to sleep. What on earth was going on?
"Shouldn't I...I um...I should read this first?" I offered, gesturing at the mound of official-looking papers in front of me.
"No darling. It's all sorted. I found a great little place. Just sign here"
and I did
"and here"
I scrawled my wobbly signature again
This went on for page, after page after page. It seemed endless.
"and finally on this last page" Anne directed "...and put a date"
I got to the date part and squinted my eyes.
"It's Monday the 15th" Anne said, helpfully
so I wrote that in.
Anne was tiring me out. Quickly. Maybe if I just did all this as fast as I could, I could finally lie down. I was so very, very tired.
"Also" Anne continued - again at such a fast and loud pace that I felt bulldozed by it all "They need the bond but you know I can't afford it all on my own. don't you? We need to pay half each. I've asked my brother "Nicko" to pay your half and when you get out, just send him the $2500.00 (!!!).
The WHAT?!?
I gulped with difficulty, my mouth was bone dry.
"What?" I forced out a whisper
"Actually, just give me your bankcard, I'll sort out your share of the payments"
Anne held her hand out and clicked her fingers impatiently.
My what?
"Come on, come on - I've got shit to do" Anne said, clicking her fingers again.
I couldn't concentrate. I was so tired.
"Okay" sighed Anne impatiently "I'll get it myself"
She picked up my purse from my bedside table, took out my bankcard and offered a sweet smile.
"Aww hunni, you look exhausted. Lay down"
I nodded, eyes already so heavy with the medications I was on.
"See you later" she whispered, pulling the blanket up to my shoulders. "Shhh"
I allowed the darkness to take over and fell into a fitful sleep.
I had no idea of the huge storm that was coming.
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