I guess because I catch the train more, a lot of my blogs and facebook posts are "train-based" now. Haha.
I love public transport here in Perth, it's actually not that bad.
Anyway, this morning, I was on the train, trying to balance my gym bag and phone and hoping I could grip the hand rail fast enough as the train took off that I wouldn't topple over (yeah, I misjudged yesterday and ended up in a stranger's lap. Praise God, he thought it was funny and gave me a wink when I apologised). When I looked up, I had to do a double-take on the train because I thought Jonathan was stood in front of me, reading a book.
Instant feeling of warmth, happiness, nostalgia and then sadness when I looked at this guy. This man on the train. Mostly fondness. I had to ball my hands into fists and then push them out into open hands over and over to give myself something to do so that I wouldn't rush up to this man and hug him.
Hey there , Jon - I've really missed you! How are you?
I had to keep looking - seeing the similarities between this man on the train and Jonathan. The same height, same thin frame, same stubble on their face and same gotee. Same 'toblerone' nose and same blonde/strawberry eyelashes framing sea-blue eyes. This guy even seemed to dress like Jon - from his neatly ironed business shirt to his business trousers. This guy had black sneakers though - comfy looking ones. Ones I would assume all "techies" wear who sit at desks all day. I think Jon wears polished business shoes. At least that's what he wore when we were married.
Jonathan - oh wow. You were an entire lifetime ago. We married in our 20's and I look back on it now and think "oh my word - we were just babies".
I had so many questions for this man on the train:
How are you? Are you alright?
Do you sleep? Are you eating ok?
How are things going with the Youth?
How many contacts do you have in the Ukraine now? What made you pick that as your place to set up youth groups?
Do you still like ham and cheese sandwiches?
Do you still wash your hands about 50 times a day?
Do you miss me? Do you ever think about me?
Will you ever forgive me?
So many questions.
The man on the train read his book quite intently. I wanted to know what he was reading. I wanted to know where he was going.
Strange, really - because I didn't want to know so we'd be in each other's lives. If it was Jon, I didn't want to beg him to take me back. I didn't want to be married to him again. I didn't even want to extend our time together and suggest going for a coffee once the train reached the city.
I just wanted to know he was okay.
There is a song on the radio by Hailee Seinfeld called "Let me go" and she sings about wanting someone to love the boy she is with the way he'd like so he can let her go "I've been hoping...someone will love you in the ways I couldn't...somebody's taking care of all of the mess I made...someone who will never change...I've been hoping...someone will love you - let me go"
And I can't ever hear that song without thinking of Jonathan. He wanted a wife to love him, support him and work alongside him, building up amazing Churches and Youth groups. Someone as like-minded, driven and passionate about he is about the things loves the most. I couldn't love him the way he wanted because I wanted more for myself than to just be "someone's wife". I wanted to be my OWN person. Have my own goals and visions. My own field of dreams. I tried. I tried so hard to be the wife Jon wanted but in the end, I was too selfish and wanted to seek out my very own adventure.
So no, I don't want to go back to that.
But it made me realise today how much I would love to see Jonathan again - even just for a moment. Just long enough to squeeze his hand or gently pat his face and tell him I'm so very proud of him and I hope he has - or finds - someone to love him the way he wanted.
Is that weird?
I'm researching tickets to the UK online now.
Hmm.
I love public transport here in Perth, it's actually not that bad.
Anyway, this morning, I was on the train, trying to balance my gym bag and phone and hoping I could grip the hand rail fast enough as the train took off that I wouldn't topple over (yeah, I misjudged yesterday and ended up in a stranger's lap. Praise God, he thought it was funny and gave me a wink when I apologised). When I looked up, I had to do a double-take on the train because I thought Jonathan was stood in front of me, reading a book.
Instant feeling of warmth, happiness, nostalgia and then sadness when I looked at this guy. This man on the train. Mostly fondness. I had to ball my hands into fists and then push them out into open hands over and over to give myself something to do so that I wouldn't rush up to this man and hug him.
Hey there , Jon - I've really missed you! How are you?
I had to keep looking - seeing the similarities between this man on the train and Jonathan. The same height, same thin frame, same stubble on their face and same gotee. Same 'toblerone' nose and same blonde/strawberry eyelashes framing sea-blue eyes. This guy even seemed to dress like Jon - from his neatly ironed business shirt to his business trousers. This guy had black sneakers though - comfy looking ones. Ones I would assume all "techies" wear who sit at desks all day. I think Jon wears polished business shoes. At least that's what he wore when we were married.
Jonathan - oh wow. You were an entire lifetime ago. We married in our 20's and I look back on it now and think "oh my word - we were just babies".
I had so many questions for this man on the train:
How are you? Are you alright?
Do you sleep? Are you eating ok?
How are things going with the Youth?
How many contacts do you have in the Ukraine now? What made you pick that as your place to set up youth groups?
Do you still like ham and cheese sandwiches?
Do you still wash your hands about 50 times a day?
Do you miss me? Do you ever think about me?
Will you ever forgive me?
So many questions.
The man on the train read his book quite intently. I wanted to know what he was reading. I wanted to know where he was going.
Strange, really - because I didn't want to know so we'd be in each other's lives. If it was Jon, I didn't want to beg him to take me back. I didn't want to be married to him again. I didn't even want to extend our time together and suggest going for a coffee once the train reached the city.
I just wanted to know he was okay.
There is a song on the radio by Hailee Seinfeld called "Let me go" and she sings about wanting someone to love the boy she is with the way he'd like so he can let her go "I've been hoping...someone will love you in the ways I couldn't...somebody's taking care of all of the mess I made...someone who will never change...I've been hoping...someone will love you - let me go"
And I can't ever hear that song without thinking of Jonathan. He wanted a wife to love him, support him and work alongside him, building up amazing Churches and Youth groups. Someone as like-minded, driven and passionate about he is about the things loves the most. I couldn't love him the way he wanted because I wanted more for myself than to just be "someone's wife". I wanted to be my OWN person. Have my own goals and visions. My own field of dreams. I tried. I tried so hard to be the wife Jon wanted but in the end, I was too selfish and wanted to seek out my very own adventure.
So no, I don't want to go back to that.
But it made me realise today how much I would love to see Jonathan again - even just for a moment. Just long enough to squeeze his hand or gently pat his face and tell him I'm so very proud of him and I hope he has - or finds - someone to love him the way he wanted.
Is that weird?
I'm researching tickets to the UK online now.
Hmm.
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