I'm of the mind that everyone has them. Triggers are things that set you RIGHT OFF and hurt you deeply when if someone else heard them/experienced them, they wouldn't think twice about it.
As I've grown and learnt more about myself - especially through my long talks with "George" the psychologist, I've come to recognise a few of my own triggers.
Mine are:
- Abandonment
- Family/sense of family/the 'idea' of family
- Friendship
I recognise that yesterday, quite a few of these 'triggers' got set off in me at work and I ended up bursting into tears with my Manager and getting gently sent home "to rest my head".
I got into work and was pretty happy. I think in general, I'm a pretty happy person. I love my job, I have great people to work with and although I was tired (omg I'm always tired! Why???) I was feeling pretty good.
I was tidying the kitchen and humming away to myself when my friend Toni came in. She lowered her voice and said "Hey Janet - I want to tell you something. I know it will upset you but if it was me - I'd want to know"
Instantly - anxiety up 10 notches.
Oh no. What was going on?
It turns out, the girl from HR that I'd sat with on the bus the other day had come in early to work and had been telling "everyone" in the office (it's an open plan office - no walls - so sound travels very well and all someone has to do is slightly raise their voice and the whole office can hear every word perfectly) that I was "practically sat in her lap the entire journey", that I was fat, taking up too much room and that I had "no respect for personal space". Toni said all the HR girls had laughed.
"Silly Janet. What an idiot"
Now.
I guess to anyone else, that would have just been a minor annoyance. I think a few of the people I'm friends with - would have even laughed. It was just SO STUPID. So silly. So...nothing.
But to me, it did this:
It made me feel ashamed. I felt as if Eco was laughing at me - and encouraging others to join in. When I saw her on the bus, she was sitting by herself and looked a bit lonely. My heart responded by wanting to be friends. I sat with her and chatted to her about her day, what she was up to later, etc etc. Nothing heavy - just polite, friendly conversation.
To find out that the next day she made fun of that - did not sit well with me. Not one bit. I was really hurt by it. Really offended. Because I felt like I was being a caring person and a good friend - and she was dismissive of it, uncaring and then going a step further and telling other people about it in a negative way.
This was NOT OKAY.
Not okay at ALL.
So that wound me up.
Because my 'friendship' trigger was set off. This girl was throwing back in my face my friendly gesture and that hurt me deeply. And p*ssed me right off, if I'm going to be honest.
So I did what I always do in such situations and I got really, really upset by it. I sat at my desk...shaking...just thinking "what the actual heck???" and wondering when the hurt was going to subside.
Something I do in such situation is immediately seek validation. I wanted to reach out to someone close to me and have them remind me that actually, I'm NOT a douchebag. I'm not 'stupid' and my friendship IS worth something.
Unfortunately I was in a highly emotional state and wasn't thinking clearly because instead of messaging my best friend "Christabel" (I messaged her later and she did what I really wanted and took my side, comforted and supported me and agreed that Eco was a b*tch - absolutely perfect, by the way), I opened the instant messenger program on our work computers (I know. There is something really wrong with me) and I messaged my office friend, Emma.
Emma and I have been friends for about 3 months. She's sassy and fiesty and we get along well because we're both dirty minded and make each other laugh. She's had a hard time lately with dating and struggling as a single mother so I took it upon myself to encourage her, support her and always make time to listen to her. Whenever Emma was going through a hard time, she'd instant message me "meet me in the kitchen?" and I'd message back "sure - 2 minutes?" and we'd meet. Emma would tell me all her problems, I would back her up.
I believe wholeheartedly that this is what friends do. This is the crux of friendship in my eyes - being there for each other through the good and the bad. I expect a lot of my friends because I expect a lot of myself as a friend. I don't know if that's right or wrong.
So I instant messaged Emma: "Hey, Toni told me Eco was bad-mouthing me this morning". I told Emma I was really unhappy about it and I asked if she could talk to me in the kitchen about it "dead quickly"
Emma's response was so unexpected it shook me.
She fired back about 5 messages one after the other - so fast I barely had time to open one message before another popped up on instant messenger. It was like a wave of responses.
Ping! "Don't say I was involved in this"
Ping! "I arrived at 8:15am, I have been working"
Ping! "Nothing to do with me"
Ping! "I'm my own agent from now on - not getting involved in politics bullsh*t"
Ping! "Don't mention my name"
Wait.
What?!?
What was this? What was Emma going on about?
I frowned and carefully re-read all the messages.
I typed a response "But...you weren't involved - were you?" and bit my lip, wondering why Emma had such a strong - and I suspect very guilty - response to my initial message. Was she involved? Had she been one of the girls who had laughed at Eco's retelling of the bus incident? Had Emma joined in? Had she said "what an idiot" with the other girls? Is that why she was acting so weird?
Oh Emma...tell me you weren't part of this.
Please.
Remind me that we're friends and tell me that our friendship means as much to you as it does to me. Please.
"Nothing to do with me" she pinged back "I am not involved"
I stared at my screen in disbelief. Heart absolutely breaking at these messages.
Ping!
"I am on my own team from now on, Janet. Not getting involved in office politics"
What?
Two things happened in my head and my heart when Ima messaged like that.
First, I felt completely abandoned. "Nothing to do with me" "I am not involved" came across to me as "You're on your own, Janet - I don't want to be associated with you"
And that hurt me deeply. It cut me right to the core.
I was confused most of all about why Emma would so quickly and so harshly want to separate herself from my sadness and struggle. Why was she responding like this? Even as I type this blog, I'm so confused. Why? Why, Emma? What on earth are you going on about?
Secondly, I felt betrayed. Really deeply betrayed.
You responded like that because you were involved, Emma - weren't you?
I went from the deep sorrow of feeling abandoned to the heated RAGE of feeling completely jipped. All those times I met you in the kitchen, listened as you poured your heart out - all the times I offered advice and comfort...and you do this to me the first time I ask for your support?
Oh no. NO YOU DID NOT.
I wanted to give Emma a chance to fix this. To talk to me. To talk sense to me when I was spiralling into sadness, hurt and anger. I took some deep breaths, and I messaged Ima. One last time: "Hey, I'm really confused about this. I don't understand what's going on - can we talk in the kitchen?"
and she messaged "Leave work at work, babe. I'm too busy for this sh*t"
What?!?
I felt completely deflated. So hurt. So angry. So very, very confused.
Tears were welling in my eyes and I shook my head, wondering what on earth had happened. I struggled to comprehend it.
Leave work at work?
But...you always tell me your problems here at work? I always listen - right here in the WORK kitchen? We go to lunch HERE AT WORK together! What is this?
My emotions were riding high and honestly, I felt sick to the stomach about it.
I went home.
I went to bed.
I cried for ages.
I feel really crappy today.
As I've grown and learnt more about myself - especially through my long talks with "George" the psychologist, I've come to recognise a few of my own triggers.
Mine are:
- Abandonment
- Family/sense of family/the 'idea' of family
- Friendship
I recognise that yesterday, quite a few of these 'triggers' got set off in me at work and I ended up bursting into tears with my Manager and getting gently sent home "to rest my head".
I got into work and was pretty happy. I think in general, I'm a pretty happy person. I love my job, I have great people to work with and although I was tired (omg I'm always tired! Why???) I was feeling pretty good.
I was tidying the kitchen and humming away to myself when my friend Toni came in. She lowered her voice and said "Hey Janet - I want to tell you something. I know it will upset you but if it was me - I'd want to know"
Instantly - anxiety up 10 notches.
Oh no. What was going on?
It turns out, the girl from HR that I'd sat with on the bus the other day had come in early to work and had been telling "everyone" in the office (it's an open plan office - no walls - so sound travels very well and all someone has to do is slightly raise their voice and the whole office can hear every word perfectly) that I was "practically sat in her lap the entire journey", that I was fat, taking up too much room and that I had "no respect for personal space". Toni said all the HR girls had laughed.
"Silly Janet. What an idiot"
Now.
I guess to anyone else, that would have just been a minor annoyance. I think a few of the people I'm friends with - would have even laughed. It was just SO STUPID. So silly. So...nothing.
But to me, it did this:
It made me feel ashamed. I felt as if Eco was laughing at me - and encouraging others to join in. When I saw her on the bus, she was sitting by herself and looked a bit lonely. My heart responded by wanting to be friends. I sat with her and chatted to her about her day, what she was up to later, etc etc. Nothing heavy - just polite, friendly conversation.
To find out that the next day she made fun of that - did not sit well with me. Not one bit. I was really hurt by it. Really offended. Because I felt like I was being a caring person and a good friend - and she was dismissive of it, uncaring and then going a step further and telling other people about it in a negative way.
This was NOT OKAY.
Not okay at ALL.
So that wound me up.
Because my 'friendship' trigger was set off. This girl was throwing back in my face my friendly gesture and that hurt me deeply. And p*ssed me right off, if I'm going to be honest.
So I did what I always do in such situations and I got really, really upset by it. I sat at my desk...shaking...just thinking "what the actual heck???" and wondering when the hurt was going to subside.
Something I do in such situation is immediately seek validation. I wanted to reach out to someone close to me and have them remind me that actually, I'm NOT a douchebag. I'm not 'stupid' and my friendship IS worth something.
Unfortunately I was in a highly emotional state and wasn't thinking clearly because instead of messaging my best friend "Christabel" (I messaged her later and she did what I really wanted and took my side, comforted and supported me and agreed that Eco was a b*tch - absolutely perfect, by the way), I opened the instant messenger program on our work computers (I know. There is something really wrong with me) and I messaged my office friend, Emma.
Emma and I have been friends for about 3 months. She's sassy and fiesty and we get along well because we're both dirty minded and make each other laugh. She's had a hard time lately with dating and struggling as a single mother so I took it upon myself to encourage her, support her and always make time to listen to her. Whenever Emma was going through a hard time, she'd instant message me "meet me in the kitchen?" and I'd message back "sure - 2 minutes?" and we'd meet. Emma would tell me all her problems, I would back her up.
I believe wholeheartedly that this is what friends do. This is the crux of friendship in my eyes - being there for each other through the good and the bad. I expect a lot of my friends because I expect a lot of myself as a friend. I don't know if that's right or wrong.
So I instant messaged Emma: "Hey, Toni told me Eco was bad-mouthing me this morning". I told Emma I was really unhappy about it and I asked if she could talk to me in the kitchen about it "dead quickly"
Emma's response was so unexpected it shook me.
She fired back about 5 messages one after the other - so fast I barely had time to open one message before another popped up on instant messenger. It was like a wave of responses.
Ping! "Don't say I was involved in this"
Ping! "I arrived at 8:15am, I have been working"
Ping! "Nothing to do with me"
Ping! "I'm my own agent from now on - not getting involved in politics bullsh*t"
Ping! "Don't mention my name"
Wait.
What?!?
What was this? What was Emma going on about?
I frowned and carefully re-read all the messages.
I typed a response "But...you weren't involved - were you?" and bit my lip, wondering why Emma had such a strong - and I suspect very guilty - response to my initial message. Was she involved? Had she been one of the girls who had laughed at Eco's retelling of the bus incident? Had Emma joined in? Had she said "what an idiot" with the other girls? Is that why she was acting so weird?
Oh Emma...tell me you weren't part of this.
Please.
Remind me that we're friends and tell me that our friendship means as much to you as it does to me. Please.
"Nothing to do with me" she pinged back "I am not involved"
I stared at my screen in disbelief. Heart absolutely breaking at these messages.
Ping!
"I am on my own team from now on, Janet. Not getting involved in office politics"
What?
Two things happened in my head and my heart when Ima messaged like that.
First, I felt completely abandoned. "Nothing to do with me" "I am not involved" came across to me as "You're on your own, Janet - I don't want to be associated with you"
And that hurt me deeply. It cut me right to the core.
I was confused most of all about why Emma would so quickly and so harshly want to separate herself from my sadness and struggle. Why was she responding like this? Even as I type this blog, I'm so confused. Why? Why, Emma? What on earth are you going on about?
Secondly, I felt betrayed. Really deeply betrayed.
You responded like that because you were involved, Emma - weren't you?
I went from the deep sorrow of feeling abandoned to the heated RAGE of feeling completely jipped. All those times I met you in the kitchen, listened as you poured your heart out - all the times I offered advice and comfort...and you do this to me the first time I ask for your support?
Oh no. NO YOU DID NOT.
I wanted to give Emma a chance to fix this. To talk to me. To talk sense to me when I was spiralling into sadness, hurt and anger. I took some deep breaths, and I messaged Ima. One last time: "Hey, I'm really confused about this. I don't understand what's going on - can we talk in the kitchen?"
and she messaged "Leave work at work, babe. I'm too busy for this sh*t"
What?!?
I felt completely deflated. So hurt. So angry. So very, very confused.
Tears were welling in my eyes and I shook my head, wondering what on earth had happened. I struggled to comprehend it.
Leave work at work?
But...you always tell me your problems here at work? I always listen - right here in the WORK kitchen? We go to lunch HERE AT WORK together! What is this?
My emotions were riding high and honestly, I felt sick to the stomach about it.
I went home.
I went to bed.
I cried for ages.
I feel really crappy today.
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