In the worst times, anxiety is crippling. It will stop you dead in the street, squeeze your lungs and make it feel like you are literally dying.
Other times like today, it manifests in sweaty hands, a racing heart and my entire body shakes.
My concern is that I was responding as if someone was pointing a gun at me - when all that acutally happened was that someone wanted to offer me "constructive criticism"
I swear, my anxiety takes me from 0-60 in about a millisecond.
Calm down, JD. Calm down.
And yet that's what sucks about anxiety because I can't. It's physically impossible to just 'calm down' - I can't control this anxiety. I can't make my hands stop sweating or make myself stop shaking. The best I can do is 'hold on' (mentally) until it passes. If that takes 5 minutes, then that's great...but when it takes hours...then it becomes a real problem.
And guess what? Today, it's taking hours.
It was just a small thing that set me off. Just a bossy, pushy HR person who wanted to give me "constructive critiscism" (which I honestly think is just an excuse to be rude to someone) and I said "no thank you".
Which for me, is a bloody big deal.
The convo went like this:
HR Girl: Janet, can I give you some constructive critiscism? (I'm not sure how to spell it. Argh)
Me: *without a moment's hesitation* No thank you.
HR Girl: *visibly surprised* What?
Me: *quietly panicking* Um...no thank you.
HR Girl: But I just -
Me: No, no. *a bit more firmly now* No thank you.
HR Girl: But you could benefit from -
Me: No thank you. Okay then. See you! *frantic waving*
And she paused, opened her mouth like she was going to try again, changed her mind and walked off.
Or flounced off. If that is even a word.
(Oh my word, I miss spell check/auto correct. Why doesn't Blogger automatically do it???).
I should be celebrating this as a win.
I stopped a bossy-boots from potentially hurting me and I did it gently, without being confronting or rude and I won. I really won!
But instead, I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I feel absolutely rubbish from the encounter.
WHY??
The second HR girl left, I started to shake.
My stomach was rolling and I felt as if I'd been kicked really hard in the face.
I was reeling from something that hadn't even happened.
I'm blogging to you almost 5 hours later and I'm still upset from it.
What drives me mental is that there is nothing to be upset about it. Why am I shaking when nothing happened? Why do I feel like I've run from an attacker when all that happened was a brief conversation with someone I'll probably not see again for a few weeks or months?
My mind has been racing these last few hours trying to fill in whatever gap that HR person left.
What was her constructive critiscism? What was she going to say?
Firstly, you need to do something with your face.
Yes. I know. I'm ugly and greasy. I left home today with no makeup on because I didn't think any amount could fix it so I opted to just let my skin breathe today.
Next, what the heck are you wearing?!?
A dress that's too tight for me. It looks awful on me, I know. It fit me perfectly a year ago - it was even a little on the baggy side...but now that I've put so much weight back on, it's so uncomfortable...But I wanted to wear it because I like navy blue. I like the capped sleeves on this dress and I like that it's actual "office attire" and not the usual black jeans and black top I guiltily wear to work, feel bad about wearing to work, worry that I'll get 'caught out' in all day and then trudge home from work in...only to wash and re-wear another day.
Maybe she was going to say "Grow a backbone"? Because moments before she wanted to offer whatever hideous advice she was going to give me - I had crunched up my face and wailed "I don't want to, I hate it". This was in response to her asking me to interrupt a meeting of DIRECTORS in our Company as one of the Directors was required in a different meeting.
The facts:
The Director in question had expressly TOLD ME TO GET HIM for that other meeting:
"Hey Janet, I'm expecting guests in at 11:00am, please come and get me from the meeting I'm currently going into, it's important"
I nodded absentmindedly as I was signing for some packages a courier was delivering at the same time.
Why don't I pay more attention?
I had this guy's permission, so it was perfectly ok to interrupt the meeting.
I shouldn't be so scared! This is okay to do!
Now, I also had Miss HR asking to get this guy out of the meeting so it was even more important that I do what I said I would and go in there and get him.
"Janet - go and let Ian know the meeting is starting"
But in reality, I was struck by sudden fear of facing 8 sets of very important eyes on me. I don't want to knock on the door and get Ian. YOU DO IT.
I'd looked in absolute abject fear at Miss HR "I don't want to. I hate it"
I hate it? Oh JD...
She'd laughed, it seemed so ridiculous to her.
"Don't be silly" she'd encouraged "Just knock on the door and remind Ian that he has another meeting to attend. Just like that"
That easy, huh?
I'm cringing in my mind's eye as I see the scene before me now - HR Lady (let's call her "Anna") stood in front of me, gesturing impatiently at the closed meeting room door to the left of the reception desk. She's tall, thin and absolutely gorgeous - impeccable makeup - probably a very expensive blush on her high cheekbones, perfectly matched lipstick on her full, round lips. Today she sports fitted (probably tailored) black pants and a silk blouse. She has perfectly matching earings and high heels that make her legs look amazing and as if they go on for miles.
I see myself in that situation - small, fat, podgy and greasy. Breathing heavily for no reason because anxiety is weighing on my lungs, scrunching my face up in distaste and panic that I have to approach a room full of businessmen and interupt their meeting.
I can hear my whiny voice "but I don't want to. I hate it"
Oh Janet. I shake my head at you, girl. I'm so disappointed in you.
Fast forward - to me tapping gently on the meeting room door, pushing it open and saying clearly and as sweetly as I can muster "Ian, that meeting you asked me to notify you about is about to begin". Ian nods, straightens his tie as he stands and excuses himself from the current meeting. As he passes me, he smiles "thanks, Janet"
I offer a wobbly smile back "no problems, my pleasure"
My wobbly legs take me back to behind the reception desk.
I sigh inwardly - a sigh of relief because now a big, thick, broad reception desk acts as a protective barrier between myself and "Anna".
I remind myself to breathe.
You did it, JD. It's behind you now. Calm down.
And that's when she says it:
"Janet. Can I offer you some constructive critiscism?"
And in that moment, I'm dying a thousand deaths. I'm scared. I'm shaking. I'm sweating. I'm berating myself for not being as perfect and polished as Anna is and I don't want to hear from her. I don't think she's going to say anything helpful - in fact, I strongly suspect it's going to be the opposite and will actually really hurt me to hear.
She's just a girl - probably younger than me - and probably wanting to help me grow and learn as a person.
But my entire body reacts as if in this very moment she's coming at me with a samari sword, ready to kill me.
My mouth goes dry, my heart is thumping madly against my rib cage and I can barely get the words out:
"No thank you"
And after our brief, probably forgettable (to her, anyway) exchange - Anna leaves.
And I have been shaking and frightened ever since.
Other times like today, it manifests in sweaty hands, a racing heart and my entire body shakes.
My concern is that I was responding as if someone was pointing a gun at me - when all that acutally happened was that someone wanted to offer me "constructive criticism"
I swear, my anxiety takes me from 0-60 in about a millisecond.
Calm down, JD. Calm down.
And yet that's what sucks about anxiety because I can't. It's physically impossible to just 'calm down' - I can't control this anxiety. I can't make my hands stop sweating or make myself stop shaking. The best I can do is 'hold on' (mentally) until it passes. If that takes 5 minutes, then that's great...but when it takes hours...then it becomes a real problem.
And guess what? Today, it's taking hours.
It was just a small thing that set me off. Just a bossy, pushy HR person who wanted to give me "constructive critiscism" (which I honestly think is just an excuse to be rude to someone) and I said "no thank you".
Which for me, is a bloody big deal.
The convo went like this:
HR Girl: Janet, can I give you some constructive critiscism? (I'm not sure how to spell it. Argh)
Me: *without a moment's hesitation* No thank you.
HR Girl: *visibly surprised* What?
Me: *quietly panicking* Um...no thank you.
HR Girl: But I just -
Me: No, no. *a bit more firmly now* No thank you.
HR Girl: But you could benefit from -
Me: No thank you. Okay then. See you! *frantic waving*
And she paused, opened her mouth like she was going to try again, changed her mind and walked off.
Or flounced off. If that is even a word.
(Oh my word, I miss spell check/auto correct. Why doesn't Blogger automatically do it???).
I should be celebrating this as a win.
I stopped a bossy-boots from potentially hurting me and I did it gently, without being confronting or rude and I won. I really won!
But instead, I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I feel absolutely rubbish from the encounter.
WHY??
The second HR girl left, I started to shake.
My stomach was rolling and I felt as if I'd been kicked really hard in the face.
I was reeling from something that hadn't even happened.
I'm blogging to you almost 5 hours later and I'm still upset from it.
What drives me mental is that there is nothing to be upset about it. Why am I shaking when nothing happened? Why do I feel like I've run from an attacker when all that happened was a brief conversation with someone I'll probably not see again for a few weeks or months?
My mind has been racing these last few hours trying to fill in whatever gap that HR person left.
What was her constructive critiscism? What was she going to say?
Firstly, you need to do something with your face.
Yes. I know. I'm ugly and greasy. I left home today with no makeup on because I didn't think any amount could fix it so I opted to just let my skin breathe today.
Next, what the heck are you wearing?!?
A dress that's too tight for me. It looks awful on me, I know. It fit me perfectly a year ago - it was even a little on the baggy side...but now that I've put so much weight back on, it's so uncomfortable...But I wanted to wear it because I like navy blue. I like the capped sleeves on this dress and I like that it's actual "office attire" and not the usual black jeans and black top I guiltily wear to work, feel bad about wearing to work, worry that I'll get 'caught out' in all day and then trudge home from work in...only to wash and re-wear another day.
Maybe she was going to say "Grow a backbone"? Because moments before she wanted to offer whatever hideous advice she was going to give me - I had crunched up my face and wailed "I don't want to, I hate it". This was in response to her asking me to interrupt a meeting of DIRECTORS in our Company as one of the Directors was required in a different meeting.
The facts:
The Director in question had expressly TOLD ME TO GET HIM for that other meeting:
"Hey Janet, I'm expecting guests in at 11:00am, please come and get me from the meeting I'm currently going into, it's important"
I nodded absentmindedly as I was signing for some packages a courier was delivering at the same time.
Why don't I pay more attention?
I had this guy's permission, so it was perfectly ok to interrupt the meeting.
I shouldn't be so scared! This is okay to do!
Now, I also had Miss HR asking to get this guy out of the meeting so it was even more important that I do what I said I would and go in there and get him.
"Janet - go and let Ian know the meeting is starting"
But in reality, I was struck by sudden fear of facing 8 sets of very important eyes on me. I don't want to knock on the door and get Ian. YOU DO IT.
I'd looked in absolute abject fear at Miss HR "I don't want to. I hate it"
I hate it? Oh JD...
She'd laughed, it seemed so ridiculous to her.
"Don't be silly" she'd encouraged "Just knock on the door and remind Ian that he has another meeting to attend. Just like that"
That easy, huh?
I'm cringing in my mind's eye as I see the scene before me now - HR Lady (let's call her "Anna") stood in front of me, gesturing impatiently at the closed meeting room door to the left of the reception desk. She's tall, thin and absolutely gorgeous - impeccable makeup - probably a very expensive blush on her high cheekbones, perfectly matched lipstick on her full, round lips. Today she sports fitted (probably tailored) black pants and a silk blouse. She has perfectly matching earings and high heels that make her legs look amazing and as if they go on for miles.
I see myself in that situation - small, fat, podgy and greasy. Breathing heavily for no reason because anxiety is weighing on my lungs, scrunching my face up in distaste and panic that I have to approach a room full of businessmen and interupt their meeting.
I can hear my whiny voice "but I don't want to. I hate it"
Oh Janet. I shake my head at you, girl. I'm so disappointed in you.
Fast forward - to me tapping gently on the meeting room door, pushing it open and saying clearly and as sweetly as I can muster "Ian, that meeting you asked me to notify you about is about to begin". Ian nods, straightens his tie as he stands and excuses himself from the current meeting. As he passes me, he smiles "thanks, Janet"
I offer a wobbly smile back "no problems, my pleasure"
My wobbly legs take me back to behind the reception desk.
I sigh inwardly - a sigh of relief because now a big, thick, broad reception desk acts as a protective barrier between myself and "Anna".
I remind myself to breathe.
You did it, JD. It's behind you now. Calm down.
And that's when she says it:
"Janet. Can I offer you some constructive critiscism?"
And in that moment, I'm dying a thousand deaths. I'm scared. I'm shaking. I'm sweating. I'm berating myself for not being as perfect and polished as Anna is and I don't want to hear from her. I don't think she's going to say anything helpful - in fact, I strongly suspect it's going to be the opposite and will actually really hurt me to hear.
She's just a girl - probably younger than me - and probably wanting to help me grow and learn as a person.
But my entire body reacts as if in this very moment she's coming at me with a samari sword, ready to kill me.
My mouth goes dry, my heart is thumping madly against my rib cage and I can barely get the words out:
"No thank you"
And after our brief, probably forgettable (to her, anyway) exchange - Anna leaves.
And I have been shaking and frightened ever since.
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