In the movies, relationships are all sunshine and lollipops. They are easy and funny and accompanied by romantic music that ebbs and swells at all the right places. Sex is amazing and usually ends up with the pair cuddling and looking into each other's eyes all night/all morning.
Reality is - that relationships are hard work.
My first reality was my marriage with Jon. It started off with all the bells and whistles that a Hollywood Blockbuster would be proud of. There were poems, long emails detailing every little thing we loved about each other. Roses. OMG there were so many roses. Phonecalls that lasted long into the night...so long, I'd wake in the night mumbling "okay...love you" in case I was still on the phone. Jon admitted to the same.
But the first hit of reality...and Jon and I fell apart. We abandoned each other. We didn't make time to be together, stick together and listen to each other. So when I got distracted by a man from my past...Jon and I didn't have the relationship strength to make it through. We tried. Actually, Jon tried. I had given up by then and was chasing broken dreams with the wrong guy.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say today is that when cracks appear in a relationship, they are for a reason and they will either break you (Jon and I) or make you (Alun and I).
Jon and I were together for 8 years. We 'dated' for a year, were engaged for a year and were married for 6 years. These look like all the right building blocks for a 'forever' but they were built on dreams and roses and not enough testing of strength, will and reserve.
Alun and I have been together for 9 years. We 'dated' for about 6-8 months, we were engaged for about 4 and a half years (neither of us could agree to a wedding date, haha) and we've been married for 4-and-a-bit years - we'll (God willing) celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary this May. (Hopefully in Langkawi because I like the look of it). What sets us apart is that we still have that fire. We have that lasting spark. Only this morning, Alun set out my lunch for me, linking each item of food to 'healthy facts' he'd googled to encourage me to eat them. To balance out the banana and apple he sent me to work with, Alun also sent me an 'uber eats' bag of cookies and donuts an hour after I got to reception.
Now that is love, guys.
It's ongoing. It sees us through the bad times and through the good. It gives us both strength to see each other through the storms as well as the love to really belly laugh with each other in the sunshine and rainbows of our marriage. I post a lot on Facebook about Alun and I so it looks like we have the 'perfect' relationship; but don't get me wrong - we fight. We argue. We both dig our heels in. Alun is super stubborn and I am prideful and stupid so when we both refuse to apologise, things get pretty heated.
But we do apologise in the end. Because we love each other and we never stay mad at each other for long.
What I want to write about today are the warning signs to look out for in a relationship, ok?
Be aware of these things:
Grand/overly expensive gestures of love at the very beginning of a relationship. Yes, these are nice but they are also red flags of someone wanting to 'woo' you when they're chasing you - but once you're 'theirs' it will all stop.
When your other half doesn't want to:
- do the things you like "no no, you go on - we can catch up another time"
- meet your family "babe, it's too soon - let's not go nuts"
- meet your friends "Pfft. Plenty of time for that. Let's just enjoy being 'us' right now"
- talk to you about your soul - about who you are as a person - what scares you, what excites you, what you dream of, what you worry about. Someone in love with you should want to know what drives you and should want to get alongside that and encourage you to be the best version of yourself.
When your other half:
- talks mostly about themselves
- isolates you a lot - like I'm talking every time you're together. If they don't want to do things in groups with your mates/their mates/family involvement - that's a bit of a worry
- puts down/belittles the people you love - or very carefully steers you away from talking about those you love.
- shows signs of possessiveness. This one is tricky because the most dangerous guys/girls will know how to word it/show it like it's a caring characteristic. They'll call you "all mine" a lot, they'll casually ask "oh, whos' that?" if your phone goes off. When they get bolder, they'll start to physically take your phone off you. Oh, they'll make it playful at first - taking it off you and putting it away from sight while they hug/kiss you. Soon that will turn to demanding "give me your phone" "you're always on that thing - put it down for once in a while"
- show 'control issues'. Again, this is tricky because the person you're with knows not to reveal their scary self all at once, so they'll do it slowly. carefully. So gently you won't even know it's happening..but before you know it, you'll only be going to the places they like, on the days they are free and doing the things they like with no consideration for what is important to you. They will start telling you what you like instead of asking you. They'll start very carefully putting you down so that you rely on them to feel better "Hmm...you've put a little weight on. Looks good on you" (no it doesnt, it's a way to set you off-balance and question yourself) "Are you still in that job? You know we don't like you being there all the time"
- isn't there for you. They don't show up at events important to you and they always have a good excuse for it
Be with someone who brings out your best. Be with someone who loves you enough to call you on your bullsh*t but who will also stand with you through a dark night and talk with you until you feel better. Be with someone who is willing to go through that uncomfortable moment of meeting friends and family for the first time. Be with someone who will swim with you because you love to swim - even though they think it's stupid. Be with someone who will gently check in on you "hey, you doing ok?" rather than check ON you "What are you doing right now?". Be with someone you can lean on, someone you can count on, someone you can trust and someone you can weather out the tough times with.
It's wonderful to be happy and in love. I know because I love love!!! It's the BEST!
But ultimately, be with someone you can be a total douche with, too. Be with someone you can cry with and be with someone who's going to come into your life with the intention to stay. No matter what.
See you tomorrow xx
Reality is - that relationships are hard work.
My first reality was my marriage with Jon. It started off with all the bells and whistles that a Hollywood Blockbuster would be proud of. There were poems, long emails detailing every little thing we loved about each other. Roses. OMG there were so many roses. Phonecalls that lasted long into the night...so long, I'd wake in the night mumbling "okay...love you" in case I was still on the phone. Jon admitted to the same.
But the first hit of reality...and Jon and I fell apart. We abandoned each other. We didn't make time to be together, stick together and listen to each other. So when I got distracted by a man from my past...Jon and I didn't have the relationship strength to make it through. We tried. Actually, Jon tried. I had given up by then and was chasing broken dreams with the wrong guy.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say today is that when cracks appear in a relationship, they are for a reason and they will either break you (Jon and I) or make you (Alun and I).
Jon and I were together for 8 years. We 'dated' for a year, were engaged for a year and were married for 6 years. These look like all the right building blocks for a 'forever' but they were built on dreams and roses and not enough testing of strength, will and reserve.
Alun and I have been together for 9 years. We 'dated' for about 6-8 months, we were engaged for about 4 and a half years (neither of us could agree to a wedding date, haha) and we've been married for 4-and-a-bit years - we'll (God willing) celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary this May. (Hopefully in Langkawi because I like the look of it). What sets us apart is that we still have that fire. We have that lasting spark. Only this morning, Alun set out my lunch for me, linking each item of food to 'healthy facts' he'd googled to encourage me to eat them. To balance out the banana and apple he sent me to work with, Alun also sent me an 'uber eats' bag of cookies and donuts an hour after I got to reception.
Now that is love, guys.
It's ongoing. It sees us through the bad times and through the good. It gives us both strength to see each other through the storms as well as the love to really belly laugh with each other in the sunshine and rainbows of our marriage. I post a lot on Facebook about Alun and I so it looks like we have the 'perfect' relationship; but don't get me wrong - we fight. We argue. We both dig our heels in. Alun is super stubborn and I am prideful and stupid so when we both refuse to apologise, things get pretty heated.
But we do apologise in the end. Because we love each other and we never stay mad at each other for long.
What I want to write about today are the warning signs to look out for in a relationship, ok?
Be aware of these things:
Grand/overly expensive gestures of love at the very beginning of a relationship. Yes, these are nice but they are also red flags of someone wanting to 'woo' you when they're chasing you - but once you're 'theirs' it will all stop.
When your other half doesn't want to:
- do the things you like "no no, you go on - we can catch up another time"
- meet your family "babe, it's too soon - let's not go nuts"
- meet your friends "Pfft. Plenty of time for that. Let's just enjoy being 'us' right now"
- talk to you about your soul - about who you are as a person - what scares you, what excites you, what you dream of, what you worry about. Someone in love with you should want to know what drives you and should want to get alongside that and encourage you to be the best version of yourself.
When your other half:
- talks mostly about themselves
- isolates you a lot - like I'm talking every time you're together. If they don't want to do things in groups with your mates/their mates/family involvement - that's a bit of a worry
- puts down/belittles the people you love - or very carefully steers you away from talking about those you love.
- shows signs of possessiveness. This one is tricky because the most dangerous guys/girls will know how to word it/show it like it's a caring characteristic. They'll call you "all mine" a lot, they'll casually ask "oh, whos' that?" if your phone goes off. When they get bolder, they'll start to physically take your phone off you. Oh, they'll make it playful at first - taking it off you and putting it away from sight while they hug/kiss you. Soon that will turn to demanding "give me your phone" "you're always on that thing - put it down for once in a while"
- show 'control issues'. Again, this is tricky because the person you're with knows not to reveal their scary self all at once, so they'll do it slowly. carefully. So gently you won't even know it's happening..but before you know it, you'll only be going to the places they like, on the days they are free and doing the things they like with no consideration for what is important to you. They will start telling you what you like instead of asking you. They'll start very carefully putting you down so that you rely on them to feel better "Hmm...you've put a little weight on. Looks good on you" (no it doesnt, it's a way to set you off-balance and question yourself) "Are you still in that job? You know we don't like you being there all the time"
- isn't there for you. They don't show up at events important to you and they always have a good excuse for it
Be with someone who brings out your best. Be with someone who loves you enough to call you on your bullsh*t but who will also stand with you through a dark night and talk with you until you feel better. Be with someone who is willing to go through that uncomfortable moment of meeting friends and family for the first time. Be with someone who will swim with you because you love to swim - even though they think it's stupid. Be with someone who will gently check in on you "hey, you doing ok?" rather than check ON you "What are you doing right now?". Be with someone you can lean on, someone you can count on, someone you can trust and someone you can weather out the tough times with.
It's wonderful to be happy and in love. I know because I love love!!! It's the BEST!
But ultimately, be with someone you can be a total douche with, too. Be with someone you can cry with and be with someone who's going to come into your life with the intention to stay. No matter what.
See you tomorrow xx
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