Praise God, I've had a week off. A week off work and a week of doing mostly what I've needed to do for a few months now - and just rest.
It's Friday today and I'm blogging to you from outside in the garden, smiling as I see the tomatoes are turning red and our dwarf orange tree is straining with the weight of brand new, full-sized oranges that hang heavy from the glossy green branches.
My wish is that a week of WORK would pass this quickly. This week of rest feels like it went by in a matter of a few hours. Seriously.
Alun's parents are out - they've taken themselves to Scarborough Beach and have been away all day. Al's Mom texted "We are stopping at a few pubs on the way home - do you want anything from Coles?"
Of course you are :) Haha. This is where Alun gets it from, I guess.
"No thanks, Mam (that's Welsh for "Mom"), I'm okay - have fun xx" I text back, smiling.
I almost went to the beach myself today. It's something I rarely do and something I absolute love to do. Maybe I'll take myself tomorrow after my Doctor's appointment? I actually like the idea of that. I'll pack a beach bag with a towel, sun cream and a good book for tomorrow. Maybe there's even a bus from the Galleria straight to Scarborough beach? It would be really nice to sit by the waves for the afternoon.
What weighs heavily on my mind is that I need to "be okay' by Monday.
I'm a lot better than I was because I'm not in that dark, desperate place where I'm weighing up whether to overdose or throw myself off a high building and hope I land on my head...but guys, I'm still not okay. If 1 was suicidal and 10 was back to 'normal', then I'd put myself at a high 4. I have so far to go and I only have 2 more days to 'get there' in. This stresses me out!
Alun is weary. He's working long hours at the hospital and then having to 'deal' with his parents the second he arrives home. He's worn out and fed up and I worry about him. I don't know how he will deal with me not being okay on top of everything he's already dealing with.
So I feel I have to be okay by Monday. Too much is riding on this not to be.
So how do I do it? How do I transform from shaking, scared, anxious, worried and physically exhausted - to happy, confident and a lot stronger - both physically and emotionally?
I'm still really tired. It's been a great week rest-wise from Monday to Wednesday. Yesterday was Alun's Mom's birthday so I ended up somehow spending the whole day with them. I took them on a walking tour of the city then up to the "Reveley" Bar which has an incredible 180degree view of the best parts of the city skyline, river and Kings Park. It is a pretty awesome view and praise God, the Thomas's seemed to appreciate it. Mr Thomas bought the first round, I offered the second and Mr Thomas's eyes lit up (Alun's do the same thing) but Mrs Thomas refused to let me pay so she got the second round. From the outside looking in, it was a fairly easy day. We travelled into the city with Alun has he was on his way to work the afternoon-into-evening shift, we walked around and stop din at a few shops his parents liked, we had a few drinks and then we headed home.
But I was in bed by 7pm and would have stayed there the rest of the night if a worried Alun hadn't called at 9pm and asked why I hadn't texted him back in the last few hours.
Just doing simple things is wearing me out.
My entire body aches from yesterday's "strolling in the city" and my mind and heart feel like they've been battered. I feel so tired.
Today, I spent the day on my own. Alun went to work at midday and his parents were probably already wading knee-deep in Scarborough's crystal clear waters. I read a book (surprisingly really good - I wasn't expecting it to be), slept, had a quick visit into town, came home, had a nap and am now blogging away to you but feeling as if I've come home from a day's hiking in the mountains.
I have 2 days to get my sh*t together.
It's Friday today and I'm blogging to you from outside in the garden, smiling as I see the tomatoes are turning red and our dwarf orange tree is straining with the weight of brand new, full-sized oranges that hang heavy from the glossy green branches.
My wish is that a week of WORK would pass this quickly. This week of rest feels like it went by in a matter of a few hours. Seriously.
Alun's parents are out - they've taken themselves to Scarborough Beach and have been away all day. Al's Mom texted "We are stopping at a few pubs on the way home - do you want anything from Coles?"
Of course you are :) Haha. This is where Alun gets it from, I guess.
"No thanks, Mam (that's Welsh for "Mom"), I'm okay - have fun xx" I text back, smiling.
I almost went to the beach myself today. It's something I rarely do and something I absolute love to do. Maybe I'll take myself tomorrow after my Doctor's appointment? I actually like the idea of that. I'll pack a beach bag with a towel, sun cream and a good book for tomorrow. Maybe there's even a bus from the Galleria straight to Scarborough beach? It would be really nice to sit by the waves for the afternoon.
What weighs heavily on my mind is that I need to "be okay' by Monday.
I'm a lot better than I was because I'm not in that dark, desperate place where I'm weighing up whether to overdose or throw myself off a high building and hope I land on my head...but guys, I'm still not okay. If 1 was suicidal and 10 was back to 'normal', then I'd put myself at a high 4. I have so far to go and I only have 2 more days to 'get there' in. This stresses me out!
Alun is weary. He's working long hours at the hospital and then having to 'deal' with his parents the second he arrives home. He's worn out and fed up and I worry about him. I don't know how he will deal with me not being okay on top of everything he's already dealing with.
So I feel I have to be okay by Monday. Too much is riding on this not to be.
So how do I do it? How do I transform from shaking, scared, anxious, worried and physically exhausted - to happy, confident and a lot stronger - both physically and emotionally?
I'm still really tired. It's been a great week rest-wise from Monday to Wednesday. Yesterday was Alun's Mom's birthday so I ended up somehow spending the whole day with them. I took them on a walking tour of the city then up to the "Reveley" Bar which has an incredible 180degree view of the best parts of the city skyline, river and Kings Park. It is a pretty awesome view and praise God, the Thomas's seemed to appreciate it. Mr Thomas bought the first round, I offered the second and Mr Thomas's eyes lit up (Alun's do the same thing) but Mrs Thomas refused to let me pay so she got the second round. From the outside looking in, it was a fairly easy day. We travelled into the city with Alun has he was on his way to work the afternoon-into-evening shift, we walked around and stop din at a few shops his parents liked, we had a few drinks and then we headed home.
But I was in bed by 7pm and would have stayed there the rest of the night if a worried Alun hadn't called at 9pm and asked why I hadn't texted him back in the last few hours.
Just doing simple things is wearing me out.
My entire body aches from yesterday's "strolling in the city" and my mind and heart feel like they've been battered. I feel so tired.
Today, I spent the day on my own. Alun went to work at midday and his parents were probably already wading knee-deep in Scarborough's crystal clear waters. I read a book (surprisingly really good - I wasn't expecting it to be), slept, had a quick visit into town, came home, had a nap and am now blogging away to you but feeling as if I've come home from a day's hiking in the mountains.
I have 2 days to get my sh*t together.
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