Hospital

I was so wound up, so anxious, scared, out-of-control and terrified that last night I actually did consider putting myself in hospital.

My mind keeps imagining situations where I die.

Jumping from a tall building or a high cliff over stormy oceans, making myself fall down flights upon flights of stairs, stabbing myself in a main artery so I bleed out in seconds, overdosing, gassing myself in Alun's beautiful Audi (okay I could never do that to him), getting hit by a train, bus or truck, putting large rocks in my pockets and jumping off a bridge so I drown...again and again, these scenarios were going around and around in my head.

So much so that I thought I would go mad.

So at 10:00pm last night, I googled the Emergency Ward at Royal Perth Hospital.

I could go to Emergency, tell someone I was suicidal - and get effectively 'locked up' to keep myself safe.

Having medical professionals look after me would also ease the burden on Alun.

I looked over at him, fast asleep and snoring away. He had been awake for over 24 hours, not able to rest because he was so worried about me and was finally taken over by sleep. His eyelashes are so long and thick. His chin is so cute. He has lips that stretch like a rich red ribbon across his face - even in his sleep, curled into a gentle smile.

I love this man so much it aches to look at him.

I don't want to be away from him.

I don't want to be 'locked up' in hospital.