Skip to main content

Barely there

I'm hanging onto life with my very fingertips.

I feel like my life is the edge of a cliff and the sea is 100 meters below me...and I'm hanging on with my very fingertips, trying not to let go. I'm looking down at the waves crashing below and it's tempting to just let go.

My arms are so tired, guys.

It's easier to just give up.

I tried to fight it for a long, long time...since last August so almost a year ago...and I can't anymore.

I can't.

This depression is going to end me, you guys.

Here's what I'm doing to try to fight it:

I get up out of bed every day. This is extremely hard.

I set myself ONE task every day. Today it was to do the weeding. I only did 20-35 minutes of it but at least I did something.

Today I showered. For someone with depression, that's a pretty big deal. It took everything I had.

I take my anti-depressants every day.

I was going on a walk every day - 30 minutes - but I'm struggling now to leave the house. I'm struggling just to get up, I'll work on leaving the house tomorrow.

I try to feed myself a good meal once a day. I struggle to eat it. That's probably the ONE good thing in this dark hell that I'm experiencing right now, I've FINALLY lost my appetite.

I'm seeking out help. I have a psych appointment with a NEW psych (4th attempt. God help me) tomorrow in Northbridge at 1:30pm.

I've tried getting into a Private Hospital Psych ward. They're all full or I don't meet the criteria because they have their own psychs who have 'rooms' in the hospitals for their own patients and those psychs aren't taking on new patients and won't be for another 6-9 months...maybe more because Covid19 has dramatically changed how the Medical system works for everyone nowadays. Especially for people trying to help and support for Mental Health.

On Tuesday (I paid for this and arranged this weeks ago) I'm getting my hair re-straightened as it's too hard to care for myself. If I can relieve myself of ONE job (trying to deal with my afro on the daily) then it's worth it.

Most of all, I'm keeping myself alive. You have NO IDEA how hard this is for me.

It's just so much easier to let go.

But I'm here.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

just not sure

If anyone were to ask if I was okay...I wouldn't know how to answer that. I mean, in theory, I'm fine. Absolutley fine. I go to the gym almost every day. I eat a lot healthier than I have in a long time. I still eat cookies and have the ocassional icecream but I'm doing a hellovalot better than I used to. I'm pretty proud of that. I try hard to be mindful - to be more 'in the moment' in my life. I notice I'm always 'rushing ahead' to the next thing - like if I'm in work, I'm rushing ahead in my mind to going home...then I get home and I'm rushing ahead to going to bed - ticking off in my mind all the things I need to do...all the things that need my attention between the time I sit on the sofa to watch TV and the time I'm pulling the blanket up over me and gratefully snuggling into bed. Even then, I'm rushing ahead to the next morning in my mind, planning what to wear for work, what to pack for lunch, what workout to do a...
Post a Comment
Read more

Not a fan of tough love

"I'm just giving you tough love because I care" Well. Care enough then, to shut your mouth. And keep it closed. Thanks. As you can see, I'm not a fan of 'tough love'. I think when you love someone - it shouldn't hurt. It shouldn't feel like someone is taking a jackhammer to your soul and battering it about while shouting "this will be good for you in the end" Will it? Because I think that's garbage. I understand the concept of it. I do. It's when someone wants to stop being gentle with you and they want to tell you off and be rude, blunt and hurtful - and get away with it. The Bible says there is a time for everything. In the case of 'tough love', I can see that people would think there was a time for being stern with someone - a time to 'help' when it comes to a person 'snapping out' of something. I can see in extreme cases where everything else has been tried and has failed that a person might wa...
Post a Comment
Read more

10...and then 5 :)

Yeah I can tell Im getting better because even though things are tough right now and Im sad and a bit fed up and weary...I still have hope :) I cant help it, it's who I am. I got an email from "Sandy" today. I really care about her and I look up to her and will probably read her email again when im less tired from a long day and it will make more sense...but for now, what I think she was trying to say to me was to take a bit more ownership of my life and to stop asking God to fix it all...or something like that...and I want you to know, Sandy - Im taking ownership of it and doing it ALL myself...but I believe in God and I believe that he hears me and so Im taking EVERYTHING to Him and just asking for some direction on this. I'll email you personally about about that another day. Thanks for always being there for me. I keep trying and failing and falling, then getting excited about something new and getting back up. Im on a very strange path just now and although...
5 comments
Read more