Wow. A lot of blogging from me today.
I guess a part of me knows this will end soon. I won't be here much longer so I'm trying to get out as much as I can before it all stops.
The other side of my blogging is that I need you.
When you text me, message me or maybe even call me to tell me "Hang ON, Janet" "Don't give up" "You mean something to me, please don't leave us yet"
It means the absolute WORLD to me.
When a friend reaches out and messages me: "No need to reply at all, just want you to know I'm thinking of you" or "Hey, just want to remind you I love you" or "You can do this, I believe in you"
They save my life.
And I go through 24 hours a day of wanting to die...so those texts, they are like little sparks of hope in my life that keep me going for another hour.
My friend Christabel doesn't understand it "Why do you need other people to tell you you're awesome"?
I don't know, Christabel. I know there is a lot I could do to change that if I was well mentally, but in the state I'm in...these are lifelines I'm clinging to and this works, so I'm going to run with it as long as I can.
When a friend messages me or says to me "You mean so much to me"
Depression goes down a slight notch. And I can get dressed.
My phone will ping "No need to message back, I know you're struggling Janet - just want you to know I'm here if you need"
then I pick up the mug from the floor and put it in the sink.
Just that.
I am exhausted from it and I probably go to bed and 'recover' from that one small action for hours...but it means that a mug isn't on the floor anymore, right?
It's a step forward.
My best friend Christabel messaged me "You're the strongest person I know" so on that day, I rang ALL the psych hospitals in Perth and followed up on the Doctor referrals I've fought so bloody hard for to see where I'd been moved to on their waiting lists. It's SCARY to make phone calls when you're depressed. It's scary to talk. To 'chase up' on previous calls. It's TERRIFYING to fight for yourself and to FIGHT FOR A ROOM IN A PSYCH WARD but I do it because someone I love believes I can.
My best friend Becci messages me nothing but kindness and love every time "I love you, Janet" "You can do this" "I believe in you" "You are my best friend" so when she messages, I call and make psych appointments. Or I get up and I FORCE MYSELF to get dressed - even if it takes 3 hours - to ATTEND the appointments I've made - no matter how freaking scared I am to leave the house.
When my friends message me "You're amazing" "I believe in you" "You can do this" "We love you" it gives me the strength to dig deep and to keep going.
And believe me, THIS IS SO HARD to do.
So that's the other side of my blogging and excessive Facebooking - when I reach out (AND IT IS SCARY AS FUCK to lay myself bare like that on a public forum) BUT YOU REACH BACK, then amazing things happen.
So keep reaching out to me, please.
Please don't give up on me and I won't give up on me, either.
I guess a part of me knows this will end soon. I won't be here much longer so I'm trying to get out as much as I can before it all stops.
The other side of my blogging is that I need you.
When you text me, message me or maybe even call me to tell me "Hang ON, Janet" "Don't give up" "You mean something to me, please don't leave us yet"
It means the absolute WORLD to me.
When a friend reaches out and messages me: "No need to reply at all, just want you to know I'm thinking of you" or "Hey, just want to remind you I love you" or "You can do this, I believe in you"
They save my life.
And I go through 24 hours a day of wanting to die...so those texts, they are like little sparks of hope in my life that keep me going for another hour.
My friend Christabel doesn't understand it "Why do you need other people to tell you you're awesome"?
I don't know, Christabel. I know there is a lot I could do to change that if I was well mentally, but in the state I'm in...these are lifelines I'm clinging to and this works, so I'm going to run with it as long as I can.
When a friend messages me or says to me "You mean so much to me"
Depression goes down a slight notch. And I can get dressed.
My phone will ping "No need to message back, I know you're struggling Janet - just want you to know I'm here if you need"
then I pick up the mug from the floor and put it in the sink.
Just that.
I am exhausted from it and I probably go to bed and 'recover' from that one small action for hours...but it means that a mug isn't on the floor anymore, right?
It's a step forward.
My best friend Christabel messaged me "You're the strongest person I know" so on that day, I rang ALL the psych hospitals in Perth and followed up on the Doctor referrals I've fought so bloody hard for to see where I'd been moved to on their waiting lists. It's SCARY to make phone calls when you're depressed. It's scary to talk. To 'chase up' on previous calls. It's TERRIFYING to fight for yourself and to FIGHT FOR A ROOM IN A PSYCH WARD but I do it because someone I love believes I can.
My best friend Becci messages me nothing but kindness and love every time "I love you, Janet" "You can do this" "I believe in you" "You are my best friend" so when she messages, I call and make psych appointments. Or I get up and I FORCE MYSELF to get dressed - even if it takes 3 hours - to ATTEND the appointments I've made - no matter how freaking scared I am to leave the house.
When my friends message me "You're amazing" "I believe in you" "You can do this" "We love you" it gives me the strength to dig deep and to keep going.
And believe me, THIS IS SO HARD to do.
So that's the other side of my blogging and excessive Facebooking - when I reach out (AND IT IS SCARY AS FUCK to lay myself bare like that on a public forum) BUT YOU REACH BACK, then amazing things happen.
So keep reaching out to me, please.
Please don't give up on me and I won't give up on me, either.
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