Alun and I spent the last 2 days at home together...moving like zombies and not really speaking...but holding hands the entire time as if we are both trying desperately to stay linked even though we seem suspended in limbo.
I'm a talker, you know that. I want to talk about it with Alun because I know there are some HUGE inaccuracies in the way we both see things. My fear is that Alun's put me in a 'too hard' box. I worry he's labelled me "mental" and doesn't trust me with anything and hasn't for the past year. I worry he doesn't think my opinion is worth anything and I worry he sees me as some "poor nutcase" who can't be talked to and just needs to be fed, mostly ignored and placated.
I'm not that person.
I'm severely depressed, I admit that. I am mental, I own that.
But I'm not entirely useless.
I'm not some crazy, worthless girl that Alun can't trust or talk to.
If that's the way he sees me, then what is the point of having me in his life? As sort of a comfort blanket little kids have on their first day of school? Something irrelevant really, but they're so used to it, it gives them comfort when they face hard things on their own?
Because I'm 100% convinced Alun thinks he's on his own. I think he thinks of me as a burden more than anything else. He somehow feels indebted to me - so he can't leave me - and some part of him finds a weird comfort in having me around - so he doesn't want to let go of me...but he doesn't want to let me IN to his life at all, he wants me at arm's length. To just sit in a corner and smile whenever he looks at me.
I can't live like that.
In my eyes, Alun is someone hurting, bruised, battered and exhausted. In my eyes, Alun is destroying himself and destroying his life through alcoholism. He doesn't want to talk to ANYONE about the trauma he's been through, the hurts of his life and just wants to ignore it all, hope it all goes away and just DRINK until he can't feel anything anymore.
This is a dangerous combo.
We are just going to destroy each other.
I sat up in bed yesterday and just cried and cried. Alun and I had been in bed just laying there. Awake. Alun had been playing on his phone. When he noticed me crying, Alun put his phone down, reached across and held my hand.
His gesture broke my heart.
Alun is so kind to me but is also the one slowly destroying me. The two at the same time are something I just can't come to grips with.
"We need to fix this" I sobbed.
He nodded and squeezed my hand.
"We need to talk about this. We need to figure out -"
"Shh" Alun interrupted me, shaking his head sadly "We will be okay - we don't need to rehash things. We will be fine"
WE WON'T THOUGH, ALUN.
Why are you shushing me? Why won't you talk about this?
I feel so desperate because I feel like our marriage is a glass vase that's been pushed off a shelf - by both Alun and I. We are each to blame in the breakage. We each play an important part.
But I want to replay the events. I want to go over them and find out what lead to each of us shifting that vase closer and closer to the edge. What lead to that last push a few nights ago where it fell to the ground and shattered?
I want to carefully pick up the broken pieces and I want to meld them back together again - but with gold - the way it says in that Chinese proverb...that they fix broken pots with gold so that the pots are not only mended once again, they are even stronger and even more beautiful.
I want to do that.
Alun wants to just tread carefully around the pieces. He really wants to just pretend they aren't there, that nothing happened. I truly believe he thinks the pieces will just go away if we ignore them for long enough.
But what kind of a marriage would that be?
I see those pieces on the ground and it breaks my heart in ways I can't verbalise, the hurt is so deep. My worry is that one of us will tread on a stray piece of glass and get hurt.
I don't want either of us to get hurt any more.
I got a message from my friend Kristy saying "...some things hurt too much to talk about. Do some nice, kind things for Alun to let him know you love him, be there for him. He needs you"
And it broke my heart to read because Kristy is right. Alun needs help. He needs me especially now to be kind to him. To not push this. To just be there for him.
Does that mean we just leave the broken pieces of our marriage on the floor? Is that what I'm supposed to do?
What if someone gets hurt??? AGAIN???
Alun just wants to walk past them as if they're not there.
But they're there!!!
They make me cry to look at. The ache in my heart from this marriage breakage is so profound I'm surprised it hasn't broken my ribs.
I understand some things are painful to talk about. I understand that Alun doesn't want to discuss some things, I get that. Alun doesn't want to "re-hash" how we broke completely apart.
But we can't just ignore it.
These broken pieces won't go away, Alun. They will collect dust and they will forever be there.
We can either get divorced - in which case the pieces get swept away and binned, taken to the tip and forgotten forever...
...or we can talk about this. We can work together to fix our marriage because we can find out what broke it and how to not go there again in our lives. We can pick the pieces up gently. carefully...and we can put them back together again.
Life dictates that we have to BOTH do this, though.
As much I want to give Alun the space he needs, to be the 'awesome wife' I have always aspired to be and always try my hardest to be...I can't pick up these pieces on my own. I can't fix it on my own. That's not how marriage works.
I'm crying as I blog this to you.
I feel so torn up and so discouraged. So hurt and so lost.
How long do I wait on this?
How long until one of us steps on a broken piece of this marriage and gets hurt?
How long?
Lord God, I have never felt so incredibly heartbroken and lost in my entire life. I don't even know what to pray. Abba Father - something I value more than my own life is broken and the person I love who is the only person to be able to help me fix this doesn't even want to look at it.
What do I do???
Please God...tell me what to do.
I'm a talker, you know that. I want to talk about it with Alun because I know there are some HUGE inaccuracies in the way we both see things. My fear is that Alun's put me in a 'too hard' box. I worry he's labelled me "mental" and doesn't trust me with anything and hasn't for the past year. I worry he doesn't think my opinion is worth anything and I worry he sees me as some "poor nutcase" who can't be talked to and just needs to be fed, mostly ignored and placated.
I'm not that person.
I'm severely depressed, I admit that. I am mental, I own that.
But I'm not entirely useless.
I'm not some crazy, worthless girl that Alun can't trust or talk to.
If that's the way he sees me, then what is the point of having me in his life? As sort of a comfort blanket little kids have on their first day of school? Something irrelevant really, but they're so used to it, it gives them comfort when they face hard things on their own?
Because I'm 100% convinced Alun thinks he's on his own. I think he thinks of me as a burden more than anything else. He somehow feels indebted to me - so he can't leave me - and some part of him finds a weird comfort in having me around - so he doesn't want to let go of me...but he doesn't want to let me IN to his life at all, he wants me at arm's length. To just sit in a corner and smile whenever he looks at me.
I can't live like that.
In my eyes, Alun is someone hurting, bruised, battered and exhausted. In my eyes, Alun is destroying himself and destroying his life through alcoholism. He doesn't want to talk to ANYONE about the trauma he's been through, the hurts of his life and just wants to ignore it all, hope it all goes away and just DRINK until he can't feel anything anymore.
This is a dangerous combo.
We are just going to destroy each other.
I sat up in bed yesterday and just cried and cried. Alun and I had been in bed just laying there. Awake. Alun had been playing on his phone. When he noticed me crying, Alun put his phone down, reached across and held my hand.
His gesture broke my heart.
Alun is so kind to me but is also the one slowly destroying me. The two at the same time are something I just can't come to grips with.
"We need to fix this" I sobbed.
He nodded and squeezed my hand.
"We need to talk about this. We need to figure out -"
"Shh" Alun interrupted me, shaking his head sadly "We will be okay - we don't need to rehash things. We will be fine"
WE WON'T THOUGH, ALUN.
Why are you shushing me? Why won't you talk about this?
I feel so desperate because I feel like our marriage is a glass vase that's been pushed off a shelf - by both Alun and I. We are each to blame in the breakage. We each play an important part.
But I want to replay the events. I want to go over them and find out what lead to each of us shifting that vase closer and closer to the edge. What lead to that last push a few nights ago where it fell to the ground and shattered?
I want to carefully pick up the broken pieces and I want to meld them back together again - but with gold - the way it says in that Chinese proverb...that they fix broken pots with gold so that the pots are not only mended once again, they are even stronger and even more beautiful.
I want to do that.
Alun wants to just tread carefully around the pieces. He really wants to just pretend they aren't there, that nothing happened. I truly believe he thinks the pieces will just go away if we ignore them for long enough.
But what kind of a marriage would that be?
I see those pieces on the ground and it breaks my heart in ways I can't verbalise, the hurt is so deep. My worry is that one of us will tread on a stray piece of glass and get hurt.
I don't want either of us to get hurt any more.
I got a message from my friend Kristy saying "...some things hurt too much to talk about. Do some nice, kind things for Alun to let him know you love him, be there for him. He needs you"
And it broke my heart to read because Kristy is right. Alun needs help. He needs me especially now to be kind to him. To not push this. To just be there for him.
Does that mean we just leave the broken pieces of our marriage on the floor? Is that what I'm supposed to do?
What if someone gets hurt??? AGAIN???
Alun just wants to walk past them as if they're not there.
But they're there!!!
They make me cry to look at. The ache in my heart from this marriage breakage is so profound I'm surprised it hasn't broken my ribs.
I understand some things are painful to talk about. I understand that Alun doesn't want to discuss some things, I get that. Alun doesn't want to "re-hash" how we broke completely apart.
But we can't just ignore it.
These broken pieces won't go away, Alun. They will collect dust and they will forever be there.
We can either get divorced - in which case the pieces get swept away and binned, taken to the tip and forgotten forever...
...or we can talk about this. We can work together to fix our marriage because we can find out what broke it and how to not go there again in our lives. We can pick the pieces up gently. carefully...and we can put them back together again.
Life dictates that we have to BOTH do this, though.
As much I want to give Alun the space he needs, to be the 'awesome wife' I have always aspired to be and always try my hardest to be...I can't pick up these pieces on my own. I can't fix it on my own. That's not how marriage works.
I'm crying as I blog this to you.
I feel so torn up and so discouraged. So hurt and so lost.
How long do I wait on this?
How long until one of us steps on a broken piece of this marriage and gets hurt?
How long?
Lord God, I have never felt so incredibly heartbroken and lost in my entire life. I don't even know what to pray. Abba Father - something I value more than my own life is broken and the person I love who is the only person to be able to help me fix this doesn't even want to look at it.
What do I do???
Please God...tell me what to do.
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