I'm falling completely apart.
What makes this worse is that it's happening to Alun at the same time.
He was drunk a few nights ago and that's when he opens up. Alun said he was going to steal anti depressants (just random ones) from the hospital and start taking them.
This is all kinds of wrong. (Yes, the stealing is wrong but that's the least of my worries when Alun said that).
MY concerns are that:
1) Alun feels depressed. This is a big deal! I need to help my husband.
2) Alun is depressed enough to consider taking medication. All kinds of alarms going off in my mind and heart.
3) He can't just decide on his own to take random anti depressants - they could do a world of harm to him and if he develops a dependance on his own and doesn't have support...what happens then?
I asked Alun to seek out proper Medical advice and support. He shut me down totally. End of discussion.
So I'm at home wondering if my husband is walking around with random drugs in his system that he doesn't understand with no support from people who do.
I'm struggling so I'm doing everything I can to keep moving.
I have a 3rd psych appointment this Tuesday (God help me). I'm taking NEW meds which seem okay - they don't have awful side effects (no nausea, no violent pooping, no increased anxiety or suicidal thoughts, praise God) and I'm trying to walk for at least 30 minutes every day. As always, I'm struggling to eat the right foods so my TINY step is eating one piece of fruit a day. I have cut out snacking and just have my meals...apart from on weekends where I snack to my heart's delight.
But I'm not okay.
I'm upset. I'm frightened. I'm depressed and I'm mostly upset that I feel I'm at the point where I have do something to hurt myself. Hurt myself badly enough that it will matter. That people will SEE how much I'm hurting. Because noone can see my brain - the darkness there. Noone can see the hurt in my heart.
Depression allows me to keep working. I keep smiling. I still find things funny. I'm functional.
Even so, every day I ask myself "Why am I here?" "What is the point, really?"
Here's my version of events that lead to this:
August 2019
- new job at HSS
October 2019
- my Manager makes a sudden 360 degree turn from being someone who raves about how amazing I am to telling me how incredibly stupid, useless and ugly I am
- my job gets much harder
- A security guard that I felt compassion towards and befriended took things too far and BEGAN STALKING ME after work
- I raise an official complaint about the bullying from my Manager and that doesn't just get rejected outright - it gets OBLITERATED. It tells me VERY CLEARLY that the pain and shame I experienced DON'T MATTER. Therefore, I DON'T MATTER, either.
- I tell Alun my struggles, he doesn't care as he's experiencing his seasonal August to February depression
November to December 2019
- constantly working, moving from job to job to job. This is EXHAUSTING
- Doctor switches me to new anti-depressants which have the side effect of MAKING ME SUICIDAL
- try desperately to keep my head above water, spend these months drowning slowly, painfully and horribly.
- every day, I am more and more broken
- try on Christmas eve to reach out to Alun for comfort. ABSOLUTELY REFUSED. Alun not alone refuses to help me or listen to me, he attacks me, calling me 'dickhead' and telling me I "always" lose my shit. I'm difficult, overly emotional and - I quote - Alun is "not my therapist - get some help"
As you know, my whole world is Alun. His opinion means SO MUCH to me that hearing him say those things (yes he was drunk, no it's not excuse) just broke me.
My husband broke my heart.
24th December 2019 - ATTEMPTED SUICIDE by overdose.
25th December - sat in the empty bath and drank Matso's Ginger Beer, feeling like my life couldn't get any worse. It really couldn't. I didn't go to hospital.
- When I told Alun, he didn't care. He was too deep in his own misery
- I consider for the first time ever DIVORCE. I can't live like this. I really can't.
27th December 2019 to end of February 2020
- back in work, temping in full time roles and pushing myself over and over to keep going.
March 2020
- I get offered a new job. A permanent job - one I've waited for - for over 3 years - the stable, on-going job with benefits and an income I can depend on. It's in a marriage office which seems PERFECT.
- The 2/3 interviews I attend for this new job are so lovely, I'm completely swept off my feet. My new bosses seem perfect. That should have set red flags up - no one is that perfect. No one.
- New job completely wrecks and ravages me. New bosses are totalitarians who want perfection at all times. They want to pay someone HARDLY ANYTHING to work long hours, have no lunches or breaks and be 'on' 24/7
- DURING working like a complete nutcase without stopping which is breaking me apart, killing me from the outside in and pushing me to my very limits, ALUN'S PARENTS COME TO STAY.
- I GET FIRED from that lousy job. That tears me apart in ways I can't even explain
- With this shame and humiliation on my shoulders, I HAVE TO FACE THE THOMAS FAMILY. This is the most difficult thing in the whole world to me.
- COVID 19 hits
- Alun loses his mind and takes his mounting depression and anxiety out on me. He loudly invites his parents to STAY THE WHOLE YEAR with us.
- I speak to Alun urgently about the need ESPECIALLY NOW to have our home to ourselves. His parents' flights are in a few days and it would be good to encourage them to stick to this plan before Covid shuts all the flights down.
- Thankfully (THANK YOU GOD), Alun's parents leave - THEIR decision. Phew.
- When they DO leave (again, thank you God), Alun attacks me - saying that I have sent them to their deaths. That's heavy. That's a lot and I was already in such a bad way.
Late March 2020 - SECOND SUICIDE ATTEMPT.
April - Start NEW job at Centrelink call office. One of the most demanding jobs I've had - but at least in this role, I get a lunch break. Unlike the one in the Marriage Office. Praise God.
But I'm still so broken. I've gone through so many psychs and so many medications. I'm trying again and again to lose weight. I'm doing everything I can to keep Alun afloat...but my way of doing that is by going under the water to hold him up. I'm losing my own life here to keep him breathing - when if he just ASKS, someone will deliver a raft to him. It would so help us BOTH if Alun just asked for help. I can't do this on my own. I'm not strong enough.
May - early June 2020
- constant bollocking from my new Team Leader who is OBSESSED with stats. If HE pushes ME to do more, do better, work harder, be faster, take more calls, do more hours - HIS stats go up and HE benefits greatly from it.
Great.
- Emotions constantly swinging from RAGE to Depression to Anxiety to Fear. People in the office are after their own agendas and I learn over the weeks that people I wanted to be friends with don't want to be friends, they want to know what I know so they can 'move up the ladder' in this industry. This hurts me deeply and I don't know who to trust. I don't know where I fit in or where I belong.
Last week: A guy I looked up to, really cared about and honestly thought was my friend told me he was leaving the office for good. He knew I cared and he knew I would want to get him a gift. I asked him repeatedly - Is this true? Are you just messing with me? and he REPEATEDLY lied to me "yeah yeah I'm really leaving". So I go to the store to get him a gift and card. I find out that same night through someone else that he's "just joking". This guy IS NOT LEAVING and is having a MASSIVE laugh at me.
I don't have the strength for this.
Adam's "joke" wasn't an inconvenience. It WRECKED me.
Broken, I asked my friends about it on Facebook. They are ALL ABSOLUTELY AMAZING and made me feel better.
But me being me, I wanted more. I wanted to know that Adam was a 'one off' and that work really was okay. I asked my friends at work for extra confirmation - THEY THINK ADAM IS A LEGEND, that his joke was "hilarious" and that I'm "extra" for getting upset about it.
I can't 'take this on the chin'. I can't just laugh this off.
In my state, my mind is now convinced EVERYONE at work is against me. I am convinced work is a hostile place of war and tactics and that EVERYONE is two-faced and shallow. I think work is somewhere I'm not going to survive.
I'm scared, I'm exhausted because I don't sleep any more and I'm worried Alun is going to 'drown' in his sorrows if I don't fix things. But I don't know how to fix this!!! I'm so lost.
So now you're all caught up.
I live my life going through the motions. I live my life faking 'being okay'. I live my life in shallow breaths, trying hard to breathe but it's getting harder and harder. I live my life every day in the middle of a huge ocean where even when the sea is FLAT, I'm in danger. I could die at any moment and this constant 'treading water' (pretending to be ok while working full time) is not going to last.
There are several times throughout the day where I am doing a normal thing - doing the dishes, making the bed, picking something up from the floor, taking a sip of tea...and I'll just think "What if I just die? Wouldn't that just be easier?"
Here's my plan:
1) Call Alun's parents to let him know he's struggling. Alun NEEDS support, whether he likes it or not. Since he is refusing to seek it out, I shall seek it on his behalf. Maybe his Mom can make him see a GP.
2) Possibly message a few of his mates. I won't tell them he's struggling, I'll just say he's been a bit quiet and maybe a 'hello' from them this week would really bless his heart
3) Start giving my stuff away. I'll do it carefully and secretly over the next week or so - I can fill up our red bin with all my stuff and then cover the top with actual rubbish so it will stop Alun noticing
4) Write everyone I love a pseudo goodbye - they won't know it's a goodbye, they'll just get a long-ass message filled with compliments and appreciation from me.
Then the loose ends will be tied up and I can go.
What makes this worse is that it's happening to Alun at the same time.
He was drunk a few nights ago and that's when he opens up. Alun said he was going to steal anti depressants (just random ones) from the hospital and start taking them.
This is all kinds of wrong. (Yes, the stealing is wrong but that's the least of my worries when Alun said that).
MY concerns are that:
1) Alun feels depressed. This is a big deal! I need to help my husband.
2) Alun is depressed enough to consider taking medication. All kinds of alarms going off in my mind and heart.
3) He can't just decide on his own to take random anti depressants - they could do a world of harm to him and if he develops a dependance on his own and doesn't have support...what happens then?
I asked Alun to seek out proper Medical advice and support. He shut me down totally. End of discussion.
So I'm at home wondering if my husband is walking around with random drugs in his system that he doesn't understand with no support from people who do.
I'm struggling so I'm doing everything I can to keep moving.
I have a 3rd psych appointment this Tuesday (God help me). I'm taking NEW meds which seem okay - they don't have awful side effects (no nausea, no violent pooping, no increased anxiety or suicidal thoughts, praise God) and I'm trying to walk for at least 30 minutes every day. As always, I'm struggling to eat the right foods so my TINY step is eating one piece of fruit a day. I have cut out snacking and just have my meals...apart from on weekends where I snack to my heart's delight.
But I'm not okay.
I'm upset. I'm frightened. I'm depressed and I'm mostly upset that I feel I'm at the point where I have do something to hurt myself. Hurt myself badly enough that it will matter. That people will SEE how much I'm hurting. Because noone can see my brain - the darkness there. Noone can see the hurt in my heart.
Depression allows me to keep working. I keep smiling. I still find things funny. I'm functional.
Even so, every day I ask myself "Why am I here?" "What is the point, really?"
Here's my version of events that lead to this:
August 2019
- new job at HSS
October 2019
- my Manager makes a sudden 360 degree turn from being someone who raves about how amazing I am to telling me how incredibly stupid, useless and ugly I am
- my job gets much harder
- A security guard that I felt compassion towards and befriended took things too far and BEGAN STALKING ME after work
- I raise an official complaint about the bullying from my Manager and that doesn't just get rejected outright - it gets OBLITERATED. It tells me VERY CLEARLY that the pain and shame I experienced DON'T MATTER. Therefore, I DON'T MATTER, either.
- I tell Alun my struggles, he doesn't care as he's experiencing his seasonal August to February depression
November to December 2019
- constantly working, moving from job to job to job. This is EXHAUSTING
- Doctor switches me to new anti-depressants which have the side effect of MAKING ME SUICIDAL
- try desperately to keep my head above water, spend these months drowning slowly, painfully and horribly.
- every day, I am more and more broken
- try on Christmas eve to reach out to Alun for comfort. ABSOLUTELY REFUSED. Alun not alone refuses to help me or listen to me, he attacks me, calling me 'dickhead' and telling me I "always" lose my shit. I'm difficult, overly emotional and - I quote - Alun is "not my therapist - get some help"
As you know, my whole world is Alun. His opinion means SO MUCH to me that hearing him say those things (yes he was drunk, no it's not excuse) just broke me.
My husband broke my heart.
24th December 2019 - ATTEMPTED SUICIDE by overdose.
25th December - sat in the empty bath and drank Matso's Ginger Beer, feeling like my life couldn't get any worse. It really couldn't. I didn't go to hospital.
- When I told Alun, he didn't care. He was too deep in his own misery
- I consider for the first time ever DIVORCE. I can't live like this. I really can't.
27th December 2019 to end of February 2020
- back in work, temping in full time roles and pushing myself over and over to keep going.
March 2020
- I get offered a new job. A permanent job - one I've waited for - for over 3 years - the stable, on-going job with benefits and an income I can depend on. It's in a marriage office which seems PERFECT.
- The 2/3 interviews I attend for this new job are so lovely, I'm completely swept off my feet. My new bosses seem perfect. That should have set red flags up - no one is that perfect. No one.
- New job completely wrecks and ravages me. New bosses are totalitarians who want perfection at all times. They want to pay someone HARDLY ANYTHING to work long hours, have no lunches or breaks and be 'on' 24/7
- DURING working like a complete nutcase without stopping which is breaking me apart, killing me from the outside in and pushing me to my very limits, ALUN'S PARENTS COME TO STAY.
- I GET FIRED from that lousy job. That tears me apart in ways I can't even explain
- With this shame and humiliation on my shoulders, I HAVE TO FACE THE THOMAS FAMILY. This is the most difficult thing in the whole world to me.
- COVID 19 hits
- Alun loses his mind and takes his mounting depression and anxiety out on me. He loudly invites his parents to STAY THE WHOLE YEAR with us.
- I speak to Alun urgently about the need ESPECIALLY NOW to have our home to ourselves. His parents' flights are in a few days and it would be good to encourage them to stick to this plan before Covid shuts all the flights down.
- Thankfully (THANK YOU GOD), Alun's parents leave - THEIR decision. Phew.
- When they DO leave (again, thank you God), Alun attacks me - saying that I have sent them to their deaths. That's heavy. That's a lot and I was already in such a bad way.
Late March 2020 - SECOND SUICIDE ATTEMPT.
April - Start NEW job at Centrelink call office. One of the most demanding jobs I've had - but at least in this role, I get a lunch break. Unlike the one in the Marriage Office. Praise God.
But I'm still so broken. I've gone through so many psychs and so many medications. I'm trying again and again to lose weight. I'm doing everything I can to keep Alun afloat...but my way of doing that is by going under the water to hold him up. I'm losing my own life here to keep him breathing - when if he just ASKS, someone will deliver a raft to him. It would so help us BOTH if Alun just asked for help. I can't do this on my own. I'm not strong enough.
May - early June 2020
- constant bollocking from my new Team Leader who is OBSESSED with stats. If HE pushes ME to do more, do better, work harder, be faster, take more calls, do more hours - HIS stats go up and HE benefits greatly from it.
Great.
- Emotions constantly swinging from RAGE to Depression to Anxiety to Fear. People in the office are after their own agendas and I learn over the weeks that people I wanted to be friends with don't want to be friends, they want to know what I know so they can 'move up the ladder' in this industry. This hurts me deeply and I don't know who to trust. I don't know where I fit in or where I belong.
Last week: A guy I looked up to, really cared about and honestly thought was my friend told me he was leaving the office for good. He knew I cared and he knew I would want to get him a gift. I asked him repeatedly - Is this true? Are you just messing with me? and he REPEATEDLY lied to me "yeah yeah I'm really leaving". So I go to the store to get him a gift and card. I find out that same night through someone else that he's "just joking". This guy IS NOT LEAVING and is having a MASSIVE laugh at me.
I don't have the strength for this.
Adam's "joke" wasn't an inconvenience. It WRECKED me.
Broken, I asked my friends about it on Facebook. They are ALL ABSOLUTELY AMAZING and made me feel better.
But me being me, I wanted more. I wanted to know that Adam was a 'one off' and that work really was okay. I asked my friends at work for extra confirmation - THEY THINK ADAM IS A LEGEND, that his joke was "hilarious" and that I'm "extra" for getting upset about it.
I can't 'take this on the chin'. I can't just laugh this off.
In my state, my mind is now convinced EVERYONE at work is against me. I am convinced work is a hostile place of war and tactics and that EVERYONE is two-faced and shallow. I think work is somewhere I'm not going to survive.
I'm scared, I'm exhausted because I don't sleep any more and I'm worried Alun is going to 'drown' in his sorrows if I don't fix things. But I don't know how to fix this!!! I'm so lost.
So now you're all caught up.
I live my life going through the motions. I live my life faking 'being okay'. I live my life in shallow breaths, trying hard to breathe but it's getting harder and harder. I live my life every day in the middle of a huge ocean where even when the sea is FLAT, I'm in danger. I could die at any moment and this constant 'treading water' (pretending to be ok while working full time) is not going to last.
There are several times throughout the day where I am doing a normal thing - doing the dishes, making the bed, picking something up from the floor, taking a sip of tea...and I'll just think "What if I just die? Wouldn't that just be easier?"
Here's my plan:
1) Call Alun's parents to let him know he's struggling. Alun NEEDS support, whether he likes it or not. Since he is refusing to seek it out, I shall seek it on his behalf. Maybe his Mom can make him see a GP.
2) Possibly message a few of his mates. I won't tell them he's struggling, I'll just say he's been a bit quiet and maybe a 'hello' from them this week would really bless his heart
3) Start giving my stuff away. I'll do it carefully and secretly over the next week or so - I can fill up our red bin with all my stuff and then cover the top with actual rubbish so it will stop Alun noticing
4) Write everyone I love a pseudo goodbye - they won't know it's a goodbye, they'll just get a long-ass message filled with compliments and appreciation from me.
Then the loose ends will be tied up and I can go.
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