Yesterday was the worst day of my life.
I have never wanted to die more in my entire 43 years.
I rang "Lifeline" for help and someone kind there talked me off the ledge and into bed for a much needed sleep.
I feel like my head is caving in and my heart is completely shattered. Everything I believed in or thought I knew...has crumbled to dust in my very hands and I don't know how to cope.
I spent a lot of the day yesterday on auto pilot.
The gravity of another divorce (for fucks' sake, Janet!!!) weighed on me like a tonne of bricks on my head. Alun and I called each other probably about 20 times yesterday, each phone call filled with hatred, accusation, threats and awful, hurtful words we can probably never take back.
All I wanted was Alun home so we could talk. In my mind on the train home this morning (I spent the night before last night at Jacker's house), I pictured walking into the front door. Alun would be there - MY Alun - not the drunk, sad, horrible version I've seen in the last year - My faithful, friendly, caring Alun - would be there and he'd wrap his arms around me. We'd both cry. We'd both apologise, we'd both have a rest and we'd make a plan together on how to fix our marriage.
What actually happened? I got home and Alun wasn't in. This was 9:30am.
Immediately I was FURIOUS. I'm so fragile and so broken that my emotions are constantly running high so I can't see events with a clear head.
"WHERE ARE YOU?!" I demanded the second Alun picked up the call.
"Going on a walk, like you did last night" He laughed. It was not a nice laugh.
"I thought you'd be home so we could fix this!" tears of disappointment and hurt were pouring down my face.
"You left me last night" Alun said "So now I get to leave you. I will come home when I fucking want to. You can't make me"
He hung up.
I had so much rage, hurt, shame, defeat, depression and anxiety running through me that all I could think was that I wouldn't have to kill myself, the feeling of this experience - the hurt that ran deeper than any ocean - would do it for me.
I stood at the kitchen bench shaking.
An hour later, Alun called "Where are you?" he demanded
I'd been sitting on the kitchen floor crying and praying. Hearing his voice and hearing the accusation in it instead of care and concern immediately brought up my RAGE again.
"At home where you should fucking be!!!" I screamed my response.
Alun hung up.
20 minutes later and I'd paced the house. I was a sweating, shaking wreck and I'd gathered all the pills in the entire medicine cupboard into a jar.
My whole world was coming to a dark, destroying, awful, painful end and I couldn't handle even one more second of it.
Some small part of me - some tiny part of me that's still left recognised I was in a very bad way indeed and rang Lifeline - a suicide hotline here in Australia. I told them I was going to kill myself. The kind lady on the phone had me put the jar of tablets in a cupboard and walk away from them. She asked me to 'tap gently on my heart' (what the fuck?) and to take deep breaths. We did this for about 10 minutes. It surprisingly calmed me down. We talked for about an hour. I promised to call again or to ring an ambulance if I felt suicidal again.
I rang Alun.
Calmly, I asked "Please. Please just come home so we can talk about what's going on...please"
I could barely hear him above the noise of the pub "I'll just have a few pints with the lads and see you this evening"
"WHY ARE YOU AT THE PUB?!? YOU SHOULD BE HOME!!!" I screamed and hung up.
Again, I was furious. I was hurting so badly and so deeply I could feel the ache in the marrow of my bones.
I was so angry and so filled with rage, I held our sharpest kitchen knife in my trembling fist.
Do I cut down...or across my veins?
My phone rang and I jumped, dropping the knife.
"You left me last night so I'm going to stay out all day and do whatever I want" Alun was starting to slur his words. I could tell he'd had more than 'a few' pints by this stage.
"I had to leave! If I stayed, we would have just shouted all night. We both needed a time out! Do you understand that?"
"I don't understand anything you say anymore" Alun responded "You're mental and you just make things up in your head. You hear whatever you want to hear. You always do this, Janet"
"I ALWAYS DO WHAT?!? WHAT, ALUN??? All I wanted was you home safe!!!" I was screaming again.
He hung up.
Shaking, I tried to take deep breaths. My heart was hammering so loudly and so hard against my chest my ribs rang with pain.
In my mind, heart and soul, I could only see a bleak future of me moving out. Me moving into a horrible dark, matchbox-sized flat in a horrible, dark suburb and sitting there alone and wondering where my life went.
A life without Alun.
But part of me hated him and wanted to move as far away from him as possible. Alun goes out a lot with his friends. He stays out all night with them and has done for years. I worry about his safety but I have never once tried to stop him or get in the way of his 'fun'.
All I've ever wanted is to keep Alun safe.
Why was I suffering for that?!?
I rang him.
"You need to come home"
"I'm the boss of me" he reminded me "I do what I like"
"You've had enough pints, Alun" I said. Calmly. Not screaming anymore now "Please come home so I know you're safe"
"You didn't come home last night" He accused
This again.
I slept at Jack's. In the 10 years we've been married, I've probably spent the night away from Alun 6 times. 6 times in TEN YEARS!!! That's pretty good odds, I think. Especially with what we've been through.
I took a deep breath and tapped furiously on my heart, trying to do what the Lifeline lady had taught me.
"I'm sorry" I choked out the words, hating him intensely for making me say it.
"Gorg" Alun hiccuped.
"I'm sorry I put you though that. I'm sorry I left last night. I was doing what I thought was best and giving the both of us some space"
"You left with only your pyjamas and your phone"
Yes I did. It's the middle of winter so I wandered around the city for an hour freezing, Alun.
"It wasn't fun for me, Alun. I can promise you that" I responded
"I called the police, I was so worried about you!" He screamed.
"SO NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FUCKING FEELS!!!" I screamed back "You put me through this on a weekly basis, Alun!!! You only went through that fear and worry for ONE NIGHT - how do you think it would feel after TEN YEARS?!?"
Alun sighed heavily "Ten years? What are you talking about? I haven't done anything to you in ten years. You are making things up. You always blame me, you always do this. You make things up and you don't see things as they really are, Janet"
Are you seriously trying to gaslight me right now? I'm making things up?!?
Shaking, I tried to tell Alun my heart was breaking and that I just wanted him home safe. Just that.
Instead, I said "You have been hospitalised 7 times over the last 10 years. That is a FACT, Alun. I'm not making things up and I'm still dealing with the trauma of seeing you covered in blood on a stretcher in the emergency ward!!! Each time was because you were drunk and were trying to get home. You get into fights and you hurt yourself and all I wanted last night was for you to come home safe!"
"I did get home safe, though" Alun argued
"But you walked!!! In the dark!!!" In my mind, I could see Alun swaying and struggling to find his feet on the pavement. In my mind, a very drunk Alun could easily step into the road and BAM. Gone. In the blink of an eye.
The pain of that was too much to bear.
NOT AGAIN. I've been through this with him too many times.
"We don't understand each other" I cried, tears pouring down my face "It's time for us to get a Divorce. You can walk home whenever the fuck you like and I won't be here worrying that you're going to die! I can't do this with you anymore!!!"
Alun hung up.
I texted him "I'm a psycho and you're an alcoholic. We need a divorce. I'll start looking for flats today and I'll move out as soon as Centrelink pays me and I can get bond assistance from the Government"
No response.
The edge was there - the edge of my life where I let myself fall into it (easy) and descend into COMPLETE FUCKING MADNESS or I walk away from it and try AGAIN to just get better.
I let myself fall.
I texted Alun "I hate you"
He didn't respond.
"We're getting divorced, Alun!!! Isn't this breaking your heart as much as it's breaking mine?!? Why aren't you fighting to save us?"
Alun rang "I am fighting to save us"
"How are you fighting to do that when you're not even here?!?" I pointed at the space next to me even though Alun was on the phone and couldn't see it "I've spent the whole day alone, Alun!!! I'm hurting and I'm scared and I need you home"
"I spent last night alone. This is your turn"
"oh for fuck's sake"
"I need some time away from you today. You will stop being so dramatic and you'll calm down and we'll be ok"
WHY IS IT ME THAT HAS TO CHANGE?!?
"You're always like this" he went on "You don't listen, you don't understand what I'm going through - you just go mental. You make stuff up and you upset yourself over nothing"
I don't understand what you're going through because you don't EVER tell me, Alun!!! I can't read your mind and I've asked so many times for you to let me in but you refuse!!! How am I supposed to work with that?
And you calling me mental is just shattering my heart. That's a low blow - even from you.
"Stop putting me in a box and labelling me a nutcase" I was furious "Stop calling me mental! You're breaking my heart, Alun. You're absolutely breaking my heart here"
Alun sighed "Gorg, we'll be fine. I'm going to have a couple of pints and stay with a friend tonight. You'll rest and you'll be okay"
He hung up.
How was I going to "Be ok" from this?
This was the worst day of my life.
I have never felt more hurt, shattered, terrified, or COMPLETELY FUCKING ALONE as I did that day.
I cried all day. On auto pilot, I cleared out the spare room and moved all my things in. On impulse, I cleaned out the main bedroom, swept the floors and made the bed. I put all of Alun's things out nicely and I made it as welcoming and as nice as possible for him.
Now you have a room and I have a room, Alun. Maybe this will help us both.
I rang Lifeline AGAIN that day, holding the jar of pills in my hand and staring at the knives I'd lined up on the bench. I'd also found a canvas belt of Alun's and had that on the bench. I could easily strangle myself with that, I thought.
This is the darkness I was in. I was so scared and so out of control.
I told all of this to the new Lifeline counsellor.
He talked to me for about an hour and at the end of the call, I was away from all the pills, the belt and knives and I was in bed, falling asleep as the tears dried on my cheeks.
I slept for about an hour. I had awful dreams of falling.
I woke with a fear in my belly.
Alun.
Was he ok?
I rang him.
"Yeah I'm okay" Alun was definitely really drunk now.
Hearing him so drunk broke my heart over and over.
"Come home" I tried again.
"No Gorg. Not today" Alun sighed
"You have work tomorrow" I reminded him "You need to please come home, drink water and get some rest"
"I cancelled work" Alun took a gulp of whatever he was drinking "Day off tomorrow for me. Wahey!"
Hearing him celebrate at the darkest moment of my life set me off again.
"You've had 2 days off and have spent them both at the fucking pub! You've not spent any time with me and I'M the one who needs to calm down? I'M the one who needs to change?!"
"You didn't spend any time with me last night" Alun said
"Again with this!?? REALLY?!?"
"You abandoned me. You're not nice to me and you're not fair. You're putting the blame on me and you're trying to forbid me from going to the pub. But I'm the boss of me!" Alun was in terrible shape.
Unfortunately, so was I.
I was at breaking point.
"You are the boss of you, but you're also one half of a relationship!!!"
"Not any more, you said you wanted a divorce"
"Because you're not here!!! Alun!!!" I was crying, desperately trying to breathe but my lungs were burning with the effort "You should be here!!! You should be with me! Why have you been gone all fucking day?!? It's almost evening now!!!"
Alun laughed. It was an empty, horrible sound.
"You're going to divorce me because I didn't spend the last few days with you?" He asked. He asked as if the last 10 years hadn't happened at all. He asked as if I haven't been in the emergency department, nodding as Doctors tell me all of Alun's injuries and trying to figure out a way to get us both through the next few days/weeks/months of Alun's recovery. He asked as if I haven't been the ONLY one working for months on end while he was out of work and going on a bender every day for that entire time.
"I'm going to leave you because you're breaking my fucking heart, Alun" I was crying hard and the sentence came out in desperate gasps "All I wanted was for you to come home! That's all I still want now! Please. Please just come home"
"Okay" he finally relented.
I was sobbing and trying to breathe, leaning against the kitchen counter and eyeing the knives up.
This is the hardest thing I've ever been through in my entire life.
"Ok? Really?" I asked, not allowing myself to hope because hope can be a dangerous thing.
"Yeah, I'll have a couple more and be home in an hour"
A COUPLE FUCKING MORE!?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?
How much is enough, Alun?!?
I sighed. "Fine"
I hung up.
An hour later and I rang him "Are you on your way home?"
"I will walk home" he said
THIS AGAIN!?!
I gave up. I just gave up. I couldn't do this any more. This was all too much. Too hard. It hurt too much.
"Do whatever you fucking want. Roll, skip, dance, job....fucking crawl home if you want...I don't care anymore"
And at that moment, I didn't.
I didn't care about anything anymore.
I just wanted to die because then the worst day of my life would be finally be over.
3 hours passed. Alun didn't come home. I raged and despaired so deeply and so darkly it was profound. I have NEVER hurt that much in my entire life.
Alun rang.
With the last ounce of strength I had, I answered his call.
"Gorg. You are hurting. I'm hurting badly too. We are both in a bad way. You had your fun (HAD MY FUN!?!) last night at Jack's so to put you in your place, I'm going to stay at my friend's house too. Then we'll be even (???). I'll be home in the morning. We'll cwtch (Welsh for 'hug'), we'll be okay"
I was so empty by that stage I didn't have anything else to give. I didn't say anything.
"Hello?" Alun asked.
Wearily, I pressed the red 'end call' button on my phone.
The Doctor last week prescribed me Valium for my anxiety. They only do that for rare, special cases of patients on the brink of something very dangerous. I went to where I kept them. They were gone.
"Did you take my tablets?" I asked on the phone
Alun sighed "I did. It will keep you safe"
I didn't know what to do with that. I was furious and blessed. Angry and hopeful. I hated him and loved him and wanted to destroy myself and kill myself and live and hope and die and end the suffering.
I had lost my complete mind on the worst day of my life.
"I need them" I could scarcely get the words out, I was suffering so badly.
"You can't have them" Alun's voice was steady. He was determined to keep them from me.
He was trying to help me, I know. But in that moment, I saw it as him trying to punish me. I so badly needed a tablet to calm me and take my pain away.
This was the worst day of my life and my only option to help take the pain away had been stolen from me.
Fucking typical.
I hunted around until I found a sleeping tablet. I took it and went to bed.
I can't face another day like that.
Alun didn't come home that night.
At 3am I heard him come home. He wandered around. He went into the main bedroom. He came into my bedroom and leaned over and kissed me.
His lips on my cheek broke my heart over and over again.
His gesture was so familiar and so fucking painful to endure because I know we will never recover and we will never be what we once were.
"Gorg"
Tears ran down my face.
I looked at Alun. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. He looked haggard and awful.
I moved over and he tucked himself into bed next to me. He was asleep instantly and snoring softly.
I crept out carefully to blog this.
I don't know where to go from here.
I have never wanted to die more in my entire 43 years.
I rang "Lifeline" for help and someone kind there talked me off the ledge and into bed for a much needed sleep.
I feel like my head is caving in and my heart is completely shattered. Everything I believed in or thought I knew...has crumbled to dust in my very hands and I don't know how to cope.
I spent a lot of the day yesterday on auto pilot.
The gravity of another divorce (for fucks' sake, Janet!!!) weighed on me like a tonne of bricks on my head. Alun and I called each other probably about 20 times yesterday, each phone call filled with hatred, accusation, threats and awful, hurtful words we can probably never take back.
All I wanted was Alun home so we could talk. In my mind on the train home this morning (I spent the night before last night at Jacker's house), I pictured walking into the front door. Alun would be there - MY Alun - not the drunk, sad, horrible version I've seen in the last year - My faithful, friendly, caring Alun - would be there and he'd wrap his arms around me. We'd both cry. We'd both apologise, we'd both have a rest and we'd make a plan together on how to fix our marriage.
What actually happened? I got home and Alun wasn't in. This was 9:30am.
Immediately I was FURIOUS. I'm so fragile and so broken that my emotions are constantly running high so I can't see events with a clear head.
"WHERE ARE YOU?!" I demanded the second Alun picked up the call.
"Going on a walk, like you did last night" He laughed. It was not a nice laugh.
"I thought you'd be home so we could fix this!" tears of disappointment and hurt were pouring down my face.
"You left me last night" Alun said "So now I get to leave you. I will come home when I fucking want to. You can't make me"
He hung up.
I had so much rage, hurt, shame, defeat, depression and anxiety running through me that all I could think was that I wouldn't have to kill myself, the feeling of this experience - the hurt that ran deeper than any ocean - would do it for me.
I stood at the kitchen bench shaking.
An hour later, Alun called "Where are you?" he demanded
I'd been sitting on the kitchen floor crying and praying. Hearing his voice and hearing the accusation in it instead of care and concern immediately brought up my RAGE again.
"At home where you should fucking be!!!" I screamed my response.
Alun hung up.
20 minutes later and I'd paced the house. I was a sweating, shaking wreck and I'd gathered all the pills in the entire medicine cupboard into a jar.
My whole world was coming to a dark, destroying, awful, painful end and I couldn't handle even one more second of it.
Some small part of me - some tiny part of me that's still left recognised I was in a very bad way indeed and rang Lifeline - a suicide hotline here in Australia. I told them I was going to kill myself. The kind lady on the phone had me put the jar of tablets in a cupboard and walk away from them. She asked me to 'tap gently on my heart' (what the fuck?) and to take deep breaths. We did this for about 10 minutes. It surprisingly calmed me down. We talked for about an hour. I promised to call again or to ring an ambulance if I felt suicidal again.
I rang Alun.
Calmly, I asked "Please. Please just come home so we can talk about what's going on...please"
I could barely hear him above the noise of the pub "I'll just have a few pints with the lads and see you this evening"
"WHY ARE YOU AT THE PUB?!? YOU SHOULD BE HOME!!!" I screamed and hung up.
Again, I was furious. I was hurting so badly and so deeply I could feel the ache in the marrow of my bones.
I was so angry and so filled with rage, I held our sharpest kitchen knife in my trembling fist.
Do I cut down...or across my veins?
My phone rang and I jumped, dropping the knife.
"You left me last night so I'm going to stay out all day and do whatever I want" Alun was starting to slur his words. I could tell he'd had more than 'a few' pints by this stage.
"I had to leave! If I stayed, we would have just shouted all night. We both needed a time out! Do you understand that?"
"I don't understand anything you say anymore" Alun responded "You're mental and you just make things up in your head. You hear whatever you want to hear. You always do this, Janet"
"I ALWAYS DO WHAT?!? WHAT, ALUN??? All I wanted was you home safe!!!" I was screaming again.
He hung up.
Shaking, I tried to take deep breaths. My heart was hammering so loudly and so hard against my chest my ribs rang with pain.
In my mind, heart and soul, I could only see a bleak future of me moving out. Me moving into a horrible dark, matchbox-sized flat in a horrible, dark suburb and sitting there alone and wondering where my life went.
A life without Alun.
But part of me hated him and wanted to move as far away from him as possible. Alun goes out a lot with his friends. He stays out all night with them and has done for years. I worry about his safety but I have never once tried to stop him or get in the way of his 'fun'.
All I've ever wanted is to keep Alun safe.
Why was I suffering for that?!?
I rang him.
"You need to come home"
"I'm the boss of me" he reminded me "I do what I like"
"You've had enough pints, Alun" I said. Calmly. Not screaming anymore now "Please come home so I know you're safe"
"You didn't come home last night" He accused
This again.
I slept at Jack's. In the 10 years we've been married, I've probably spent the night away from Alun 6 times. 6 times in TEN YEARS!!! That's pretty good odds, I think. Especially with what we've been through.
I took a deep breath and tapped furiously on my heart, trying to do what the Lifeline lady had taught me.
"I'm sorry" I choked out the words, hating him intensely for making me say it.
"Gorg" Alun hiccuped.
"I'm sorry I put you though that. I'm sorry I left last night. I was doing what I thought was best and giving the both of us some space"
"You left with only your pyjamas and your phone"
Yes I did. It's the middle of winter so I wandered around the city for an hour freezing, Alun.
"It wasn't fun for me, Alun. I can promise you that" I responded
"I called the police, I was so worried about you!" He screamed.
"SO NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FUCKING FEELS!!!" I screamed back "You put me through this on a weekly basis, Alun!!! You only went through that fear and worry for ONE NIGHT - how do you think it would feel after TEN YEARS?!?"
Alun sighed heavily "Ten years? What are you talking about? I haven't done anything to you in ten years. You are making things up. You always blame me, you always do this. You make things up and you don't see things as they really are, Janet"
Are you seriously trying to gaslight me right now? I'm making things up?!?
Shaking, I tried to tell Alun my heart was breaking and that I just wanted him home safe. Just that.
Instead, I said "You have been hospitalised 7 times over the last 10 years. That is a FACT, Alun. I'm not making things up and I'm still dealing with the trauma of seeing you covered in blood on a stretcher in the emergency ward!!! Each time was because you were drunk and were trying to get home. You get into fights and you hurt yourself and all I wanted last night was for you to come home safe!"
"I did get home safe, though" Alun argued
"But you walked!!! In the dark!!!" In my mind, I could see Alun swaying and struggling to find his feet on the pavement. In my mind, a very drunk Alun could easily step into the road and BAM. Gone. In the blink of an eye.
The pain of that was too much to bear.
NOT AGAIN. I've been through this with him too many times.
"We don't understand each other" I cried, tears pouring down my face "It's time for us to get a Divorce. You can walk home whenever the fuck you like and I won't be here worrying that you're going to die! I can't do this with you anymore!!!"
Alun hung up.
I texted him "I'm a psycho and you're an alcoholic. We need a divorce. I'll start looking for flats today and I'll move out as soon as Centrelink pays me and I can get bond assistance from the Government"
No response.
The edge was there - the edge of my life where I let myself fall into it (easy) and descend into COMPLETE FUCKING MADNESS or I walk away from it and try AGAIN to just get better.
I let myself fall.
I texted Alun "I hate you"
He didn't respond.
"We're getting divorced, Alun!!! Isn't this breaking your heart as much as it's breaking mine?!? Why aren't you fighting to save us?"
Alun rang "I am fighting to save us"
"How are you fighting to do that when you're not even here?!?" I pointed at the space next to me even though Alun was on the phone and couldn't see it "I've spent the whole day alone, Alun!!! I'm hurting and I'm scared and I need you home"
"I spent last night alone. This is your turn"
"oh for fuck's sake"
"I need some time away from you today. You will stop being so dramatic and you'll calm down and we'll be ok"
WHY IS IT ME THAT HAS TO CHANGE?!?
"You're always like this" he went on "You don't listen, you don't understand what I'm going through - you just go mental. You make stuff up and you upset yourself over nothing"
I don't understand what you're going through because you don't EVER tell me, Alun!!! I can't read your mind and I've asked so many times for you to let me in but you refuse!!! How am I supposed to work with that?
And you calling me mental is just shattering my heart. That's a low blow - even from you.
"Stop putting me in a box and labelling me a nutcase" I was furious "Stop calling me mental! You're breaking my heart, Alun. You're absolutely breaking my heart here"
Alun sighed "Gorg, we'll be fine. I'm going to have a couple of pints and stay with a friend tonight. You'll rest and you'll be okay"
He hung up.
How was I going to "Be ok" from this?
This was the worst day of my life.
I have never felt more hurt, shattered, terrified, or COMPLETELY FUCKING ALONE as I did that day.
I cried all day. On auto pilot, I cleared out the spare room and moved all my things in. On impulse, I cleaned out the main bedroom, swept the floors and made the bed. I put all of Alun's things out nicely and I made it as welcoming and as nice as possible for him.
Now you have a room and I have a room, Alun. Maybe this will help us both.
I rang Lifeline AGAIN that day, holding the jar of pills in my hand and staring at the knives I'd lined up on the bench. I'd also found a canvas belt of Alun's and had that on the bench. I could easily strangle myself with that, I thought.
This is the darkness I was in. I was so scared and so out of control.
I told all of this to the new Lifeline counsellor.
He talked to me for about an hour and at the end of the call, I was away from all the pills, the belt and knives and I was in bed, falling asleep as the tears dried on my cheeks.
I slept for about an hour. I had awful dreams of falling.
I woke with a fear in my belly.
Alun.
Was he ok?
I rang him.
"Yeah I'm okay" Alun was definitely really drunk now.
Hearing him so drunk broke my heart over and over.
"Come home" I tried again.
"No Gorg. Not today" Alun sighed
"You have work tomorrow" I reminded him "You need to please come home, drink water and get some rest"
"I cancelled work" Alun took a gulp of whatever he was drinking "Day off tomorrow for me. Wahey!"
Hearing him celebrate at the darkest moment of my life set me off again.
"You've had 2 days off and have spent them both at the fucking pub! You've not spent any time with me and I'M the one who needs to calm down? I'M the one who needs to change?!"
"You didn't spend any time with me last night" Alun said
"Again with this!?? REALLY?!?"
"You abandoned me. You're not nice to me and you're not fair. You're putting the blame on me and you're trying to forbid me from going to the pub. But I'm the boss of me!" Alun was in terrible shape.
Unfortunately, so was I.
I was at breaking point.
"You are the boss of you, but you're also one half of a relationship!!!"
"Not any more, you said you wanted a divorce"
"Because you're not here!!! Alun!!!" I was crying, desperately trying to breathe but my lungs were burning with the effort "You should be here!!! You should be with me! Why have you been gone all fucking day?!? It's almost evening now!!!"
Alun laughed. It was an empty, horrible sound.
"You're going to divorce me because I didn't spend the last few days with you?" He asked. He asked as if the last 10 years hadn't happened at all. He asked as if I haven't been in the emergency department, nodding as Doctors tell me all of Alun's injuries and trying to figure out a way to get us both through the next few days/weeks/months of Alun's recovery. He asked as if I haven't been the ONLY one working for months on end while he was out of work and going on a bender every day for that entire time.
"I'm going to leave you because you're breaking my fucking heart, Alun" I was crying hard and the sentence came out in desperate gasps "All I wanted was for you to come home! That's all I still want now! Please. Please just come home"
"Okay" he finally relented.
I was sobbing and trying to breathe, leaning against the kitchen counter and eyeing the knives up.
This is the hardest thing I've ever been through in my entire life.
"Ok? Really?" I asked, not allowing myself to hope because hope can be a dangerous thing.
"Yeah, I'll have a couple more and be home in an hour"
A COUPLE FUCKING MORE!?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?
How much is enough, Alun?!?
I sighed. "Fine"
I hung up.
An hour later and I rang him "Are you on your way home?"
"I will walk home" he said
THIS AGAIN!?!
I gave up. I just gave up. I couldn't do this any more. This was all too much. Too hard. It hurt too much.
"Do whatever you fucking want. Roll, skip, dance, job....fucking crawl home if you want...I don't care anymore"
And at that moment, I didn't.
I didn't care about anything anymore.
I just wanted to die because then the worst day of my life would be finally be over.
3 hours passed. Alun didn't come home. I raged and despaired so deeply and so darkly it was profound. I have NEVER hurt that much in my entire life.
Alun rang.
With the last ounce of strength I had, I answered his call.
"Gorg. You are hurting. I'm hurting badly too. We are both in a bad way. You had your fun (HAD MY FUN!?!) last night at Jack's so to put you in your place, I'm going to stay at my friend's house too. Then we'll be even (???). I'll be home in the morning. We'll cwtch (Welsh for 'hug'), we'll be okay"
I was so empty by that stage I didn't have anything else to give. I didn't say anything.
"Hello?" Alun asked.
Wearily, I pressed the red 'end call' button on my phone.
The Doctor last week prescribed me Valium for my anxiety. They only do that for rare, special cases of patients on the brink of something very dangerous. I went to where I kept them. They were gone.
"Did you take my tablets?" I asked on the phone
Alun sighed "I did. It will keep you safe"
I didn't know what to do with that. I was furious and blessed. Angry and hopeful. I hated him and loved him and wanted to destroy myself and kill myself and live and hope and die and end the suffering.
I had lost my complete mind on the worst day of my life.
"I need them" I could scarcely get the words out, I was suffering so badly.
"You can't have them" Alun's voice was steady. He was determined to keep them from me.
He was trying to help me, I know. But in that moment, I saw it as him trying to punish me. I so badly needed a tablet to calm me and take my pain away.
This was the worst day of my life and my only option to help take the pain away had been stolen from me.
Fucking typical.
I hunted around until I found a sleeping tablet. I took it and went to bed.
I can't face another day like that.
Alun didn't come home that night.
At 3am I heard him come home. He wandered around. He went into the main bedroom. He came into my bedroom and leaned over and kissed me.
His lips on my cheek broke my heart over and over again.
His gesture was so familiar and so fucking painful to endure because I know we will never recover and we will never be what we once were.
"Gorg"
Tears ran down my face.
I looked at Alun. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. He looked haggard and awful.
I moved over and he tucked himself into bed next to me. He was asleep instantly and snoring softly.
I crept out carefully to blog this.
I don't know where to go from here.
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