God makes beauty from ashes

Yesterday, Alun and I rented out the movie "SULLY" and settled in together to watch it in the living room. I think there's something very special about a couple that have been together a long time and are in love because the way they move together and interact physically is really beautiful. Alun has 'his' side of the couch, I have 'mine'...but we're always touching somehow. Whether our legs are intertwined, or Alun is sat upright and I lay across him or we both find random, weird ways of both laying down at the same time on the couch and we watch a movie wrapped up in each other. Anyway, yesterday we put 'Sully' into the dvd player. As the film started, I was convinced it was going to be another "America saves the day" movie and that it would be about the actual plane crash-landing in the Hudson river. I thought the movie would focus on the flight, the passengers and of course the Pilot and airline staff and would go over how t...

I'm a pretty blessed girl. I have a psych and a Doctor who have watched over me in the past 5-6 years and they work together to make sure I'm cared for both physically, mentally and emotionally. "George" said my mood was very low and I told him about being really suicidal. He said he worried it seemed to come from "nowhere" and that I always knew my brother was a jerk - so why it was bothering so much now worried him, too. George recommended I see Dr D about getting my blood tested as he said if my iron was low - then my depression would be high - and vice versa. Hmm. So Dr Downey tested my blood and called 2 days later to say my iron and 'red blood cell count' was very low (should I be concerned about the red blood cells? aren't they like...vital...or something?) and asked me to come straight in for an iron infusion. So now hopefully I'll start to feel better. Because right now, I still feel crappy. I saw Mom on Christmas eve-eve...

Hello little dog, I didn't read enough of your story to even know where you are, but I read enough to know I wanted to cuddle you. I read that you were given to a dog shelter by your owners. They abandoned you and gave you away. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for how confused you must have been in the car ride to the shelter, thinking you were all going away somewhere as a family and then not knowing what to do or how to feel when you were taken out of the car and lead to a place you had never seen before...and left there. All alone. I'm so sorry you had to watch your family walk away and not take you with them. That you heard their car doors close and their car engine start and must have thought "But...you've forgotten me!" as you heard them drive away. I'm sorry for the nights you spent in your unfamiliar cage at the shelter, pining for your family and wondering what you did so wrong that they just gave you away. When I read that you saw ...

My psych appointments with beloved "George" are coming quickly to an end. Because a very high up Doctor reviewed me and found me 'sane' (woo!) she also said I didn't need to be attending psych appointments anymore and has given me to the 30th December (not long away) to 'tie up loose ends' with George and then go along my merry way - on my own . Eek! It's made me think back on all the things George and I have worked through in my life over the last 2-3 years (I can't believe it's been that long! Sheesh!) and I feel bad because all I've told George are the bad things in my life. The hard times I've faced, my fears, worries and stresses. I swear, George must think I leave the peace of his psych office and go out into a battlefield, ducking and diving, dodging and rolling, racing until our next appointment where I can sit and just hash it all out with him. I want him - and you - to know my life is a good life. It's cert...

Living with Gareth was difficult enough - but finding out over the next weeks, months and years the havoc and destruction Anne had left - with my signatures all over it and me to solely accept the blame was honestly the worst and most evil time of my life. Anne had used my bankcard to get more cards. Credit cards . She had maxed these out in my name. When she had asked me to sign 'papers' I thought they were just for the house. That, in my opinion - was bad enough. What I didn't know was that Anne had gotten me to sign for: A CAR A house full of furniture All the rent (well, as much of it as she paid with my money before deciding not to and trashing the house, doing a runner and leaving me in it all alone without a cent) All the bills Anne had turned my friends, Church and family against me and had become my brother's best friend. HIS BEST FRIEND. Jay trusted Anne with his heart and to this day, I believe the two of them are as thick as thieves....

I was so alone, dejected, discouraged and heartbroken that I honestly just wanted to die. Where would I even sleep that night? That's it. I had to focus. I had to sort out somewhere to stay. On the eviction notice was the real estate's details. I would go to them and explain what had happened. They would help me and everything would be ok. I found my way to their office in the city. A plush, gorgeous office with calming cool air throughout. I love air conditioners. Praise God. When it was finally my turn to be seen, a very angry woman addressed me. "Janet. About time we met, hmm?" I nodded, nervously and held my hand out "It's so nice to meet you" I offered "I don't think so" she replied. "You've been in arrears for over 4 months, Janet. You should have called and told us you were struggling and we could have worked something out. Instead you do a runner. That left me with debt, it left the landlord in de...

I had to get out of hospital. That was all I could think. I had to see in person the people I loved and maybe being face to face with them would help remind them that I wasn't the monster Anne had made me out to be. My head swam with all the horrific possibilities. Anne had had MONTHS to build whatever stories and images she wanted to of me. I'd been away in hospital, trying to recover from my own demons and was still in a very fragile state. How was I going to handle all of this? I want to tell you that I won. I want to tell you that I fought the good fight and that everything worked out okay. But it didn't. I didn't win. In fact, I lost so badly and so dramatically, I to this day don't know how the sheer force of the grief of it didn't kill me where I stood. It was that bad. It honestly was. This is what actually happened: First of all, I started to lie to my Psychiatrist. I told her that I was "better" and that I wanted to go ho...

I woke the next morning feeling sick with dread. What had gone on? Had I dreamed it all? Did I dream Anne's visit? Did I now own a house??? I didn't have to wait long to find out because within minutes, Anne was bounding into my hospital room. "I have exciting news" her eyes danced with anticipation   "You do?" I asked, making room for her to sit next to me on my bed.   "I've helped someone lose their virginity" she announced, proudly.   I gulped. Oh no. I was really uncomfortable with this conversation. I didn't really like talking about sex. It seemed too...adult.   "What? How?" I asked, trying hard to clear my fuzzy head and confusing thoughts.   "Well you know how I teach your Sunday School classes now?" Anne explained NO. I didn't know that. My little ones are my heart. It hurt to think of them being taught by someone else.   "I didn't know ...

As the years went by, Anne and I grew closer as friends. I think it was a natural progression because I was close friends with all the girls at youth that were close to my age. We were a tight knit group and talked daily - whether we were in Church, at our different schools, whatever. We were best friends and Anne slotted in naturally. Anne made me very uncomfortable, though - as she seemed to really enjoy gossip. I only really knew about the lives of the young girls and guys in Youth, but Anne knew about everyone. She knew which person was seeing who in the Church, who was in charge of this or that and she delighted in whenever people messed up. She loved it. Anne grew in popularity through...bribery. She would buy us all little gifts. She would compliment us on everything - our clothes, perfume, hair styles. She had an amazing cheeky little giggle. We all thought the world of her. I thought it was a natural state of affairs that we would form into lit...

I've told you my story about "Gareth" - one that's altered and changed me and ultimately broken my heart and my will. It was very important to me to pen it - to write it - and to read it and nod, knowing I lived through it. Thank you to those of you who read it. Thank you darling "Atta" for commenting on it. You mean the world to me. Another story in my life - another chapter that altered and changed me, was my life with Anne in it. You ready? Cos this one's a doozy. My story with Anne ran alongside/at the same time as my story with "Gareth"...can you imagine? Two very difficult tragedies in my life at the very same time. I'll try to write just about Anne and I and not include "Gareth" in this story - but I just want you to know that at the very same time, I was dealing with his manipulation and 'grooming', too. Where to start? I guess...at the beginning. I met Anne in the Church parking lot. We...

I worry a lot. You probably already know that because you're either in my life and see me worry all the time about a number of things...or you've read my blog enough to know the workings of my crazy mind and that I do worry. I spend a lot of time worrying about what will kill me. Don't cross the street until it's absolutely safe to do so Don't walk too close to the edge of the pavement Examine food closely - make sure it's okay for eating Chew properly - I don't want to choke Being home "before dark" because I'm convinced that's when most burglars/muggers/rapists will be about ...and on and on it goes. But the things that have almost 'killed' me in my tumultuous past have been the unexpected. And the 'dying' has taken years...it's not been instant...but yes, it's been painful. Like the time I dated a violent abuser. Let's call him "Gareth". What's surprising about dating ...