God makes beauty from ashes

All things considering, it started off as a really normal day. It was a quiet day at work, just a few days after Christmas and so many staff were away on holidays. I was having a great morning, catching up with my new friends at work and pottering about on reception, not having any stress and enjoying the peace and quiet of the office. Lunchtime rolled around and I realised I'd not brought the fresh roll Alun had made me for lunch. Argh. I remembered a few weeks ago that Alun had made me mac n cheese (one of my favourite things ever) and I'd brought it to work but then gone out to lunch and left it in the fridge behind reception. SCORE! Yeah I know what you're thinking: "OMG don't eat 3-week-old food, Janet. Ew!" But I was hungry. And hunger trumps logic easily. Any day of the week. So I heated up the mac and cheese, mouth watering as I watched it go around and around in the microwave, congratulating myself on how clever I am to have found lu...

Hey, I've heard the expression "if you don't use it, you lose it" and I think that's true in many cases. In this case in particular with my writing. If I don't blog for ages, it becomes difficult. So from now on - I'm going to write a blog every single day. Yeah. You heard me. Lucky you, eh? I think even if NOONE reads this, I can at least look back on a daily chronicle of my life for this year/next year which will be a pretty cool and very unique experience. Some days, I'll "write war and peace" as Marc teases me about...and Sue says my blogs are too long, too...and they're both right...but I'm not going to change :) haha. You'll get some amazing blogs, some rubbish ones, some really emotive, long and drawn out ones and maybe on other days, you'll just get a sentence. Or a photo. I need to figure out how to upload pics onto this. It would definitely make it more interesting. So. Today's Blog - MARTHA. Th...

Hey you, It's been a while, eh? As I get older, time seems to go so much faster and this year is no exception. I remember last year's Christmas like it was only a few days ago...and yet this year's Christmas was only a few days ago. Where does time go? How can I slow it down? Christmas this year was really lovely. Alun had to work in the afternoon but we got the morning together so it was great to spend time with him. Alun hates Christmas so every year is a struggle but I think every year that goes by, he hates it a little less. This year, we were both awake at 5:00am because I hadn't turned off my alarms for work so my phone woke us both up. "Presents?" Al asked. I could hear the excitement in his voice, even though he tries to hide it. I was so tired, though and it was so early. I wrapped my arms around Al in bed. "No. Too early" I whispered. "Go to sleep. Shh" Alun nodded. And giggled. And moved about in bed so muc...

Today is Jay's 36th birthday. So weird because if you'd told me 2 years ago that Jay and I would part ways (his choice) and never talk to each other again (yep, his choice too), I would have giggled. It would have seemed so silly and totally insane to me. And yet. Here I am. Mom texted me yesterday: "Can you please tell your brother happy birthday tomorrow? Even if he doesn't say anything back, at least you tried" So much hurt as I read Mom's text. So much pain. So much guilt and shame and worry and stress. Also a lot of resentment. He didn't text me on my birthday, Mom. Does anyone in this family care about that ? No. I bet my parents wouldn't dare even gently suggesting that Jay text me. But with me? They ask all the time. "Please apologise to your brother, he's very upset" I'm upset too . This is a two-sided coin, Mom and Dad - don't you get that? "You've really hurt your brother - you...

*points to herself with both thumbs* Meeeeeee! Yep. So strange, because when I came out of the 11:00am interview on Monday, I had such a peace in my heart about it. It went well, we laughed together a lot, I liked my new boss *Jess and thought she was lovely. The rest of the 'team' I belong to (HR/Admin/Facilities) are really nice, too. I was daunted being interviewed by a panel of FOUR people, but I did my best and left feeling I couldn't have done it any better. 3 hours later, I was offered the 4 week placement :) The Oil and Gas Company I'm working for are looking for a PERMANENT Receptionist so hopefully this 4 weeks will turn in years and years :) And, if it's only 4 weeks, it's a great experience and will look lovely on my CV as I think I'll get a pretty good reference out of this. I didn't want to cancel 'last minute' on my 3pm interview, so I went and smashed that one later that same afternoon AND GOT OFFERED THAT JOB, TOO :...

I met my dear friend Peta for lunch the other day. "I'm unemployed!" I wailed. "Don't say it like that" Peta squeezed my arm gently "you're between jobs , Janet - not unemployed" And so I am. ...in the 'between' of jobs. The waiting and the endless applying. The smiling and answering the same interview questions again and again "What would you bring to this role? Why should we hire you?" and each time, taking a deep breath before I answer in a calm and confident tone about my years of office experience and my passion to produce a high standard of work in all that I do. And each time, sighing and trying not to take it personally when I get the "unfortunately on this occasion" emails...and they come along in their hundreds. Believe me. I should be happy, really. How long have I been complaining of being "too busy" and longing for a rest? A really long time, right? Now it seems I have all the time ...

We used to play this game when we were little kids - "hot potato". We would use a rock or little bean bag - whatever - and pass it around to each other in a circle, pretending it was a hot potato so we'd have to pass it as quickly as possible. Today... I am the hot potato. And the company I've been temping for has dropped me as quickly as possible. My 'last day' is to be this Friday and I'm to train/handover to "Anna" when she arrives at the end of this week. First, I cried. I was in so much shock and I took it all to heart. How can I not take it personally? It personally affects me . Then I was really angry. I have worked my butt off for you guys for almost a year and this is how you treat me?!? This is outrageous! Me being me - I wanted comfort and confirmation. It was interesting to me the people that wanted to be there for me and the people that wanted to drop me or pass me to someone else as quickly as they could - like a hot ...

Hey you, I wanted to fill you in on where I'm at right now. I'm hoping that as I write and explain it to you, I'll gain a better understanding of it myself. Here goes: I am deeply unhappy - because I'm knackered . I'm so physically, emotionally and mentally EXHAUSTED that I'm fed up, burnt out - and I just want to quit. Not just my job - I want to quit EVERYTHING. Guys, I'm just so tired. Tired in my very bones - that kind of tired. I've been going on and on about my weight so just over a week ago, I decided I'd do something about it. I signed up for the "28 day challenge" at the same gym Alun goes to. They run a daily 'bootcamp' and Alun swears by it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into! OMG. What's surprising is - I actually really like it . I liked 'bootcamp' right away. It's held in a Warehouse/open plan gym that's huge. There are around 30-60 people who go and it's held EVERY DAY ...

that's what it feels like to be me, at the moment - that I don't know anymore who 'me' is. I think not going to the gym or yoga anymore and putting back all the weight I lost before has knocked my confidence and has made me sort of climb back into my shell/cave and not want to come out. Now at work I'm letting people walk all over me and I'm resenting it but allowing it to happen because I feel like I deserve it. I deserve this . I feel so lost, you guys; like a ship that has no anchor or rudder and is just drifting about at sea, hoping for the best. Where am I headed? Why? Where is it I should be going? Why? Every day, I say to myself " It's going to be okay, JD. You're going to be ok " and every week, I say to myself " next week will be better " but you know what? It never is. Every week I feel more and more exhausted. Having a trapped nerve isn't helping much with things. It was such an intense pain for so long - pai...

I talk to myself. A LOT. Mostly I try to encourage myself. I think it's important to be your own advocate because in those deep, dark times where you are all alone - then you have to be your own cheerleader. You have to. What I was thinking about today was how easy it is for me to give advice to others but then not take it myself. ...because when it comes to me - I am very hard on myself and even the most simple things tend to get very, very complicated. The other day, Alun and I were watching one of his new favourite shows "peep show" - an English comedy series about 2 guys being idiots, really. It is an interesting take on a comedy because it does constant voiceovers of what the guys are thinking and not just what they're saying out loud. Yesterday's episode was that one of the guys - Mark, was paying all the rent and all the bills and buying all the food, even though Jeremy lived there, too. Naturally, Mark was fed up that Jeremy wasn't helping, so...

"I'm just giving you tough love because I care" Well. Care enough then, to shut your mouth. And keep it closed. Thanks. As you can see, I'm not a fan of 'tough love'. I think when you love someone - it shouldn't hurt. It shouldn't feel like someone is taking a jackhammer to your soul and battering it about while shouting "this will be good for you in the end" Will it? Because I think that's garbage. I understand the concept of it. I do. It's when someone wants to stop being gentle with you and they want to tell you off and be rude, blunt and hurtful - and get away with it. The Bible says there is a time for everything. In the case of 'tough love', I can see that people would think there was a time for being stern with someone - a time to 'help' when it comes to a person 'snapping out' of something. I can see in extreme cases where everything else has been tried and has failed that a person might wa...

My friend Jack said to me the other day that he's amused with me calling myself a Christian because I'm one of the cheekiest people he knows. "You're not very religious, Janet" I know. So I thought I'd address that in today's blog. Lucky you, eh? I am in Christian in the sense that I love God whole heartedly. I love Jesus (so much!) and I love the Holy Spirit. I believe God is the reason for all things. I believe Jesus is God's love seen in human form so that God can know what it's truly like to be a person and I believe the Holy Spirit is God's heart. God's gentleness and lovingkindness. I have had trouble in a lot of my Christian growth picturing the Holy Spirit. Is it a ghost? A lot of steam? Is it a person? A thing? Then I read the book "the Shack" (fictional but oh my gosh, so beautiful) and the author describes the Holy Spirit as "Sarayu" - a wind . I really like that. In the book, the Holy Spirit is repese...

Mojo. I don't know how to describe it, but I think we all have  sense of what it means. To me, it's like your inner spark...the beautiful shiney part of your soul that is the best part of why you are who you are. Mojo. Sometimes, we can lose it. Life throws some huge-ass waves at us and it knocks our confidence. It takes away that sense of "I can do anything" and it makes us worry we're just not enough. That's who I'm writing today's blog for. For you. The beautiful girl who lost her mojo. Firstly, I want to say that this isn't the end . This isn't how you will always be or how you will always feel. Because things will get better. One of my favourite Bible verses is "This too shall pass" because I have experienced - as you will have - some pretty rotten things in life...but we survive them, don't we? We get through them somehow. I believe 100% that God carries us through them.We might come out battered, bruised an...

Now that I've written that, I can remember other things I've loved spending HUGE amounts on: * The first time I got my hair chemically straightened :) * When I bought Jon a "year's pass" to the movies - he loved that gift more than anything else I've ever given him * Any time I give Mom 'board money' because she's always so grateful and seeing her smile is a blessing anyway *sigh* back to the point... ...today I'm writing to you from a Travelodge Hotel Room. I know...not the most amazing Hotel - but you wouldnt believe how nice my room is. It's a "deluxe suite" and is big, comfortable, pretty and best of all *big smile* it's airconditioned!!! OH YEAH!!! In this horrid, dry and yet super humid Perth heat...being able to sleep to the hum of a working and LOVELY air conditioner is definitely worth the money I've paid. Here's what lead to this: My anxiety began with coming home to find the car...