If you talk to me and tell me something personal - something private - it doesn't leave me. On very rare ocassions, I might tell Alun - but only to get his viewpoint on something and because I know Alun won't tell anyone else.
1) Because he respects people's privacy and doesn't gossip. Not ever
2) Because he probably wasn't listening anyway and was just nodding along so I felt better :) Husbands have selective hearing, I'm pretty sure.
I know what it's like to have your secrets exposed - it is awful. So, I don't pass them on. They don't even have to be secrets - they can just be random things you and I have talked about - over lunch, on the bus ride home, over texts or facebook messages - anything. I naturally want to protect you and care for you so anything you say to me stays with me.
I will never repeat it and it will NEVER go onto my facebook or any other public forum.
That being said - with my OWN life and MY OWN SECRETS - I am EXTREMELY open about them.
I'm a blabbermouth and I can't seem to help myself.
I remember in 2009 after the quad biking accident - Doctors were telling me I'd severely bruised parts of my brain and that when they healed, I would be a different person.
"You've injured the part of your brain that deals with logic, reasoning and emotional responses so you're likely to be a lot more talkative, to make a lot up and be incredibly imaginative and when you get excited, angry, sad or scared, you will find it takes a lot longer than other people to calm down and/or recover from those emotions"
I remember at the time my response was "Pfft"
I remember thinking to myself "I don't feel any different. I'm absolutely fine. Haha I've already beaten this and will recover and be the same person I was - you'll see"
But only a month later, I was in my new Manager's office getting disciplined for talking too much, too loudly and too openly about my personal life and problems.
So the Doctor's were right.
They were unfortunately right about everything because when I get emotional (scared, sad, angry, happy, anxious - whatever), then that emotion takes me on an out-of-control journey until IT is done. Not until I am ready or should have recovered. So if I'm anxious - I'm anxious for days. Not hours. Same with being angry. Or scared. I can't "come down" from the shaking or the fear. It is probably one of the most awful things I've ever experienced and unfortunately for me, it is now part of my life.
The urge to tell everyone everything I think and feel - it's a bit mental. I am working hard and have been over all these years to bring it down to as little as possible, but even with those great efforts, I am still quite the chatty one.
I've found Facebook helps me A LOT because it's cathartic. I can get what I want out there into 'cyber space' and it's off my heart and mind. Posting has helped me because my friends have responded and lifted me up which has been great. My friends keep an eye out for me "omg that's too much information" or "that's very personal info, JD - maybe take that off social media" and I learn so much because honestly, I don't know any better.
But to this day - this very hour in fact - I still make a lot of mistakes.
As you know from reading along with me (thank you to those of you that do, you guys are my whole world), I get into trouble over this blog. I get into trouble over my facebook statuses. My mouth gets me into deep, dark pits and I look up at the glint of light far above me and think "Well then...how did I end up here?" and 90% of the time, it's because of something I've said.
I don't know how to stop this. I don't know how to keep myself to myself.
And here at my new job - I know this will do me in.
Facebook is a little to blame for this because when "work friends" ask to add me on facebook, I don't want to be rude/seem uncaring so I add them - but I put them on a special "Aquaintances" list where they are not allowed to see my random, crazy posts - they can only see what other people put on my facebook or in the times where I'm posting about something entirely innocent (my meal that I'm dead pleased with or a photo of roses Alun brought me), I will change the settings to "public" so that everyone I love can see what I'm up to.
Look at me go!
EXCEPT.
This "just aquaintances' feature on facebook seems to choose when it wants to work and when it doesn't.
Which has now gotten me into trouble.
Because a girl in my office - let's call her "Amanda" - is someone I instantly do not trust. She trained me on this reception role and is climbing the corporate ladder really, really quickly. She is efficient, selfish and really, really crafty. Really "switched on", really smart. I honestly don't think it will be long until she's a Manager. She's changed from Receptionist, to Administator, to PA to the EA to the CEO of this entire Million-dollar industry - and she's done it in a matter of 5 months.
That to me, is a scary thing.
This to me - means this girl must be as cold and as ruthless as a shark.
And she 'friend requested' me not long after I joined this company.
I dont think she wants to be friends, I think she wants to know about me so she can tuck secrets of mine away for leverage later. So, I added "Amanda" straight to my 'aquaintences' list. I am careful not to talk to her about too much about my personal life and although we get a long 'just fine', I am careful also to hold her at arm's length.
But just lately, she's been slipping in under the radar. Amanda SLEPT OVER at mine and Alun's a few weeks ago. It all seemed to happen in the blink of an eye. Amanda came to the reception desk visably upset "I've had a fight with my boyfriend and I need some space from him tonight. I'm looking up hotel rooms in the city but they're all so expensive. All my best friends are away so I have no where to go - what do I do, Janet?"
Like an idiot, I say "You can stay at mine and Alun's if you like?"
I blurted it out and the second it was said, I was holding my breath.
She won't accept, surely - she doesn't know you. I wouldn't want to spend a night in a stranger's home.
But not Amanda. Nope. Her face lit up and her 'teary facade' was instantly gone.
"Great!" she beamed at me "I'll be over around 6pm"
Oh sh*t.
Okay.
Alun was furious and I had about 5 heart attacks on the train ride home - incredibly anxious about putting both myself and Alun in the position of being hosts to someone neither of us knew. This girl works in my office and could tear my world down with the snap of her petite fingers.
Why am I letting her stay in mine and Alun's little oasis? WHYYYYY???
But stay, she did.
Taking careful stock of everything we owned, asking 'casually' about how we met, how much we both earn (?), what we get up to 'for fun' and seemingly noting everything in that pretty head of hers"for later". Alun liked her right away so that put me at odds with myself because I felt like I had let a snake or fox into our homely little chicken pen.
If Alun likes her, surely she can't be that bad?
We stayed up 'talking' for most of the night. When I look back on it now, it was Alun and I doing most of the talking. Amanda was asking a lot of questions but her beautiful face and green/grey eyes had us both under a spell, I think. I'm terrible for blurting personal information but Alun is usually very reserved. Amy's giggle and gentle touch of his shoulder every now and then seemed to work wonders on him and Alun was spilling his guts (that's Australian for 'blabbing') for hours.
I look back on it now as a huge mistake.
Amanda has been very "pally" since then with me and I am continuing to tell her more about my life.
At the same time that I'm talking and telling her all my secrets - in my head, I'm so angry with myself, shouting "OMG SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!" at myself.
But in person - I'm scrambling about desperate for Amanda to approve of me.
WHY???
Over the weekend, I've had a very rough time emotionally. I'm stressed out, tired and feeling pretty burnt out with work. I leave the house before the sun comes up, work an 8.5 hour day - which doesnt sound like much - but is seriously KILLING ME - and catch 2 trains home just as the sun goes down in the evening. I feel like I don't exist apart from behind the reception counter anymore. It is an awful, hollow feeling that I just can't seem to shake.
So Monday morning came around and I'll be honest with you, I was a mess.
Amanda trotted out in her high heels.
I've been on reception long enough that I know who's going to come around the corner before I see them - just by the sound of their walk.
Amanda's walk is filled with confidence. And something else. Something I can't quite put my finger on but it makes my stomach hurt.
Anyway, she came out and frowned, concerned.
"Are you ok?"
Her concern touched my heart, sparked my non-filter, stupid mouth and I confessed "I'm feeling a little shaky today"
Amanda nodded "Well I saw on your facebook that you wanted to go part time. That won't fly with our boss (we have the same boss), Lyn will just get rid of you. If you can't handle the hours or the work expected of you - you need to find a new job"
BAM.
Just like that.
My facebook was about my feeling extremely burnt out and thinking of asking my boss for less hours but that status was set to PRIVATE.
I started backpedalling...madly "No no, I was just tired over the weekend, I'm fine to -"
"You need to watch what you say on Facebook" Amanda interrupted
I know.
"I was just - "
"Because if Lyn saw that" Amanda continued "you'd be fired - like that" and she clicked her fingers and stared at me.
I felt instantly ashamed.
oh no.
And worried - how did Amanda know about my facebook?
"Just watch your back" Amanda said - and it sounded more like a threat than a friend trying to be helpful.
And that's why I need to be careful.
I need to stop assuming everyone at work is my friend.
I need to stop confiding in Amanda because I know deep down that she will stab me in the back to get what she wants.
I need to stop giving "too much information" to anyone and everyone because one of these days, it will bite me in the butt.
HARD.
1) Because he respects people's privacy and doesn't gossip. Not ever
2) Because he probably wasn't listening anyway and was just nodding along so I felt better :) Husbands have selective hearing, I'm pretty sure.
I know what it's like to have your secrets exposed - it is awful. So, I don't pass them on. They don't even have to be secrets - they can just be random things you and I have talked about - over lunch, on the bus ride home, over texts or facebook messages - anything. I naturally want to protect you and care for you so anything you say to me stays with me.
I will never repeat it and it will NEVER go onto my facebook or any other public forum.
That being said - with my OWN life and MY OWN SECRETS - I am EXTREMELY open about them.
I'm a blabbermouth and I can't seem to help myself.
I remember in 2009 after the quad biking accident - Doctors were telling me I'd severely bruised parts of my brain and that when they healed, I would be a different person.
"You've injured the part of your brain that deals with logic, reasoning and emotional responses so you're likely to be a lot more talkative, to make a lot up and be incredibly imaginative and when you get excited, angry, sad or scared, you will find it takes a lot longer than other people to calm down and/or recover from those emotions"
I remember at the time my response was "Pfft"
I remember thinking to myself "I don't feel any different. I'm absolutely fine. Haha I've already beaten this and will recover and be the same person I was - you'll see"
But only a month later, I was in my new Manager's office getting disciplined for talking too much, too loudly and too openly about my personal life and problems.
So the Doctor's were right.
They were unfortunately right about everything because when I get emotional (scared, sad, angry, happy, anxious - whatever), then that emotion takes me on an out-of-control journey until IT is done. Not until I am ready or should have recovered. So if I'm anxious - I'm anxious for days. Not hours. Same with being angry. Or scared. I can't "come down" from the shaking or the fear. It is probably one of the most awful things I've ever experienced and unfortunately for me, it is now part of my life.
The urge to tell everyone everything I think and feel - it's a bit mental. I am working hard and have been over all these years to bring it down to as little as possible, but even with those great efforts, I am still quite the chatty one.
I've found Facebook helps me A LOT because it's cathartic. I can get what I want out there into 'cyber space' and it's off my heart and mind. Posting has helped me because my friends have responded and lifted me up which has been great. My friends keep an eye out for me "omg that's too much information" or "that's very personal info, JD - maybe take that off social media" and I learn so much because honestly, I don't know any better.
But to this day - this very hour in fact - I still make a lot of mistakes.
As you know from reading along with me (thank you to those of you that do, you guys are my whole world), I get into trouble over this blog. I get into trouble over my facebook statuses. My mouth gets me into deep, dark pits and I look up at the glint of light far above me and think "Well then...how did I end up here?" and 90% of the time, it's because of something I've said.
I don't know how to stop this. I don't know how to keep myself to myself.
And here at my new job - I know this will do me in.
Facebook is a little to blame for this because when "work friends" ask to add me on facebook, I don't want to be rude/seem uncaring so I add them - but I put them on a special "Aquaintances" list where they are not allowed to see my random, crazy posts - they can only see what other people put on my facebook or in the times where I'm posting about something entirely innocent (my meal that I'm dead pleased with or a photo of roses Alun brought me), I will change the settings to "public" so that everyone I love can see what I'm up to.
Look at me go!
EXCEPT.
This "just aquaintances' feature on facebook seems to choose when it wants to work and when it doesn't.
Which has now gotten me into trouble.
Because a girl in my office - let's call her "Amanda" - is someone I instantly do not trust. She trained me on this reception role and is climbing the corporate ladder really, really quickly. She is efficient, selfish and really, really crafty. Really "switched on", really smart. I honestly don't think it will be long until she's a Manager. She's changed from Receptionist, to Administator, to PA to the EA to the CEO of this entire Million-dollar industry - and she's done it in a matter of 5 months.
That to me, is a scary thing.
This to me - means this girl must be as cold and as ruthless as a shark.
And she 'friend requested' me not long after I joined this company.
I dont think she wants to be friends, I think she wants to know about me so she can tuck secrets of mine away for leverage later. So, I added "Amanda" straight to my 'aquaintences' list. I am careful not to talk to her about too much about my personal life and although we get a long 'just fine', I am careful also to hold her at arm's length.
But just lately, she's been slipping in under the radar. Amanda SLEPT OVER at mine and Alun's a few weeks ago. It all seemed to happen in the blink of an eye. Amanda came to the reception desk visably upset "I've had a fight with my boyfriend and I need some space from him tonight. I'm looking up hotel rooms in the city but they're all so expensive. All my best friends are away so I have no where to go - what do I do, Janet?"
Like an idiot, I say "You can stay at mine and Alun's if you like?"
I blurted it out and the second it was said, I was holding my breath.
She won't accept, surely - she doesn't know you. I wouldn't want to spend a night in a stranger's home.
But not Amanda. Nope. Her face lit up and her 'teary facade' was instantly gone.
"Great!" she beamed at me "I'll be over around 6pm"
Oh sh*t.
Okay.
Alun was furious and I had about 5 heart attacks on the train ride home - incredibly anxious about putting both myself and Alun in the position of being hosts to someone neither of us knew. This girl works in my office and could tear my world down with the snap of her petite fingers.
Why am I letting her stay in mine and Alun's little oasis? WHYYYYY???
But stay, she did.
Taking careful stock of everything we owned, asking 'casually' about how we met, how much we both earn (?), what we get up to 'for fun' and seemingly noting everything in that pretty head of hers"for later". Alun liked her right away so that put me at odds with myself because I felt like I had let a snake or fox into our homely little chicken pen.
If Alun likes her, surely she can't be that bad?
We stayed up 'talking' for most of the night. When I look back on it now, it was Alun and I doing most of the talking. Amanda was asking a lot of questions but her beautiful face and green/grey eyes had us both under a spell, I think. I'm terrible for blurting personal information but Alun is usually very reserved. Amy's giggle and gentle touch of his shoulder every now and then seemed to work wonders on him and Alun was spilling his guts (that's Australian for 'blabbing') for hours.
I look back on it now as a huge mistake.
Amanda has been very "pally" since then with me and I am continuing to tell her more about my life.
At the same time that I'm talking and telling her all my secrets - in my head, I'm so angry with myself, shouting "OMG SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!" at myself.
But in person - I'm scrambling about desperate for Amanda to approve of me.
WHY???
Over the weekend, I've had a very rough time emotionally. I'm stressed out, tired and feeling pretty burnt out with work. I leave the house before the sun comes up, work an 8.5 hour day - which doesnt sound like much - but is seriously KILLING ME - and catch 2 trains home just as the sun goes down in the evening. I feel like I don't exist apart from behind the reception counter anymore. It is an awful, hollow feeling that I just can't seem to shake.
So Monday morning came around and I'll be honest with you, I was a mess.
Amanda trotted out in her high heels.
I've been on reception long enough that I know who's going to come around the corner before I see them - just by the sound of their walk.
Amanda's walk is filled with confidence. And something else. Something I can't quite put my finger on but it makes my stomach hurt.
Anyway, she came out and frowned, concerned.
"Are you ok?"
Her concern touched my heart, sparked my non-filter, stupid mouth and I confessed "I'm feeling a little shaky today"
Amanda nodded "Well I saw on your facebook that you wanted to go part time. That won't fly with our boss (we have the same boss), Lyn will just get rid of you. If you can't handle the hours or the work expected of you - you need to find a new job"
BAM.
Just like that.
My facebook was about my feeling extremely burnt out and thinking of asking my boss for less hours but that status was set to PRIVATE.
I started backpedalling...madly "No no, I was just tired over the weekend, I'm fine to -"
"You need to watch what you say on Facebook" Amanda interrupted
I know.
"I was just - "
"Because if Lyn saw that" Amanda continued "you'd be fired - like that" and she clicked her fingers and stared at me.
I felt instantly ashamed.
oh no.
And worried - how did Amanda know about my facebook?
"Just watch your back" Amanda said - and it sounded more like a threat than a friend trying to be helpful.
And that's why I need to be careful.
I need to stop assuming everyone at work is my friend.
I need to stop confiding in Amanda because I know deep down that she will stab me in the back to get what she wants.
I need to stop giving "too much information" to anyone and everyone because one of these days, it will bite me in the butt.
HARD.
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