That's all I had to get my sh*t together.
Literally yesterday.
On Monday, I fell completely apart. I was so tired and so burnt out from these long hours and busy weekends that I lost my mind.
I texted Alun "I'm going to kill myself because it means I can have a nice long sleep and NO ONE will judge me for it"
Alun texted back instantly "I'm at work so I can't call you. Please don't hurt yourself. I love you"
I texted again - shaking so badly because I was so fed up with the world "I don't care if you get angry, I just want to die. I've had enough"
Work demands were flying at me at a million miles an hour on reception so I carried on with them - and in what seemed like mere minutes, Alun was stepping out of the lift and into the reception area where I work.
At the time, I was bent over, head on my desk just crying.
"Oh Gorg"
I looked up and was so happy to see his gorgeous face.
I had so much going on at work that I couldn't just run away with Alun, as much as I wanted to. We instead went for a walk around the block. A lady at my work who is really lovely sat at reception for me "Take as much time as you need".
But I don't have as much time as I need.
Because I need about a month of rest, I think. At least. Bare minimum.
Alun walked me back to work "I will pick you up at 4:30pm" he said, hugging me tight.
"But don't you have to go back to work, too?" I asked.
"I showed my boss your text messages and she sent me home immediately and told me to take as much time off as I need"
Oh no.
Now his boss knows I'm a nutter, too.
Great.
So I worked until the end of the day, juggling sometimes 5 duties at once and wondering when it would all stop - convinced with every fibre of my being that it wouldn't stop. The only way to get some rest is to get hit by a bus so that I can lay down and noone will judge me.
Because people understand broken bones.
If a bus hit me, everyone would understand. Everyone would be kind. Everyone would say "you poor thing, take as much time as you need".
But if I said I'm drowning in depression and didn't even realise until my lungs were already filled with water and I was too far from the surface to make it - everyone would just laugh.
"Toughen up"
"Cheer up"
"You'll be okay"
"Stop stressing"
"Get some exercise"
"People have it a lot worse than you - you have a roof over your head, food in your tummy and a great job, you're living a really blessed life"
But I can't breathe! I can't go on. I can't live like this - running and running and running and not stopping.
What's worse is - everyone else gets to stop.
So I feel like the world is against me. Like there are different rules for everyone else.
Alun for instance - hasn't worked more than 2 or 3 days in the entire week since Christmas.
The girls on my 'team' at work have all had between 2-6 weeks off over Christmas/new years. I have said "Have a great trip!" to each and everyone one of them and looked enviously at their holiday photos on their return.
Oh how I would love a rest of my own.
I have been the only person I know in my circle of friends and family (even my parents have had 2 holidays since Christmas!) that hasn't had a break.
And it's gotten to me.
So much so, I'm obsessed with dying.
Because you get to LAY DOWN in a little wooden box, don't you? Even when they incinerate you, you get to LAY THE FUCK DOWN.
I am so frantic and so lost in my own head...and SO FREAKING TIRED, you guys.
I just want a rest.
So yesterday, Alun urged me to call in sick "Take a day off, Gorg - you need it"
I need more than a day, Gorg - but at this rate, I'll take what I can get.
So I slept for most of the day yesterday. I got up, had some toast - and went back to bed.
I pulled the doona cover over my head and cried and cried.
I cried myself to sleep, woke, ate and went back to bed again, this time only getting up as I heard Alun's car pull into the driveway.
And what kills me is this next part:
Alun hugged me tight as he came into the house "All better?"
WHAT!?!
I TOLD YOU I WANT TO DIE AND ONE DAY IS ALL IT TAKES FOR THAT TO GO AWAY, IS IT?
I looked up at Alun's worn face and heavy eyes. I could tell my husband had had a really, really hard day.
His eyes had so much hope in them that I just couldn't let him down.
"Sure" I answered, flashing a bright smile.
Janet. You are a fraud.
"Brilliant" Alun's tired face lit up "I'm so glad. Phew. I've had a really rough day today - Cronk was being an idiot again. He said..."
and Alun's voice trailed off down the hallway as my heart broke.
Because I'm not better.
Not even close.
In fact, I've started hoarding sleeping tablets in a little box. When I have enough of them, I'm quitting this stupid life.
Literally yesterday.
On Monday, I fell completely apart. I was so tired and so burnt out from these long hours and busy weekends that I lost my mind.
I texted Alun "I'm going to kill myself because it means I can have a nice long sleep and NO ONE will judge me for it"
Alun texted back instantly "I'm at work so I can't call you. Please don't hurt yourself. I love you"
I texted again - shaking so badly because I was so fed up with the world "I don't care if you get angry, I just want to die. I've had enough"
Work demands were flying at me at a million miles an hour on reception so I carried on with them - and in what seemed like mere minutes, Alun was stepping out of the lift and into the reception area where I work.
At the time, I was bent over, head on my desk just crying.
"Oh Gorg"
I looked up and was so happy to see his gorgeous face.
I had so much going on at work that I couldn't just run away with Alun, as much as I wanted to. We instead went for a walk around the block. A lady at my work who is really lovely sat at reception for me "Take as much time as you need".
But I don't have as much time as I need.
Because I need about a month of rest, I think. At least. Bare minimum.
Alun walked me back to work "I will pick you up at 4:30pm" he said, hugging me tight.
"But don't you have to go back to work, too?" I asked.
"I showed my boss your text messages and she sent me home immediately and told me to take as much time off as I need"
Oh no.
Now his boss knows I'm a nutter, too.
Great.
So I worked until the end of the day, juggling sometimes 5 duties at once and wondering when it would all stop - convinced with every fibre of my being that it wouldn't stop. The only way to get some rest is to get hit by a bus so that I can lay down and noone will judge me.
Because people understand broken bones.
If a bus hit me, everyone would understand. Everyone would be kind. Everyone would say "you poor thing, take as much time as you need".
But if I said I'm drowning in depression and didn't even realise until my lungs were already filled with water and I was too far from the surface to make it - everyone would just laugh.
"Toughen up"
"Cheer up"
"You'll be okay"
"Stop stressing"
"Get some exercise"
"People have it a lot worse than you - you have a roof over your head, food in your tummy and a great job, you're living a really blessed life"
But I can't breathe! I can't go on. I can't live like this - running and running and running and not stopping.
What's worse is - everyone else gets to stop.
So I feel like the world is against me. Like there are different rules for everyone else.
Alun for instance - hasn't worked more than 2 or 3 days in the entire week since Christmas.
The girls on my 'team' at work have all had between 2-6 weeks off over Christmas/new years. I have said "Have a great trip!" to each and everyone one of them and looked enviously at their holiday photos on their return.
Oh how I would love a rest of my own.
I have been the only person I know in my circle of friends and family (even my parents have had 2 holidays since Christmas!) that hasn't had a break.
And it's gotten to me.
So much so, I'm obsessed with dying.
Because you get to LAY DOWN in a little wooden box, don't you? Even when they incinerate you, you get to LAY THE FUCK DOWN.
I am so frantic and so lost in my own head...and SO FREAKING TIRED, you guys.
I just want a rest.
So yesterday, Alun urged me to call in sick "Take a day off, Gorg - you need it"
I need more than a day, Gorg - but at this rate, I'll take what I can get.
So I slept for most of the day yesterday. I got up, had some toast - and went back to bed.
I pulled the doona cover over my head and cried and cried.
I cried myself to sleep, woke, ate and went back to bed again, this time only getting up as I heard Alun's car pull into the driveway.
And what kills me is this next part:
Alun hugged me tight as he came into the house "All better?"
WHAT!?!
I TOLD YOU I WANT TO DIE AND ONE DAY IS ALL IT TAKES FOR THAT TO GO AWAY, IS IT?
I looked up at Alun's worn face and heavy eyes. I could tell my husband had had a really, really hard day.
His eyes had so much hope in them that I just couldn't let him down.
"Sure" I answered, flashing a bright smile.
Janet. You are a fraud.
"Brilliant" Alun's tired face lit up "I'm so glad. Phew. I've had a really rough day today - Cronk was being an idiot again. He said..."
and Alun's voice trailed off down the hallway as my heart broke.
Because I'm not better.
Not even close.
In fact, I've started hoarding sleeping tablets in a little box. When I have enough of them, I'm quitting this stupid life.
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