I'm not suicidal anymore.
Thought it best to start with that.
I guess I've officially levelled up because I'm not weighing up whether I should be alive or not, anymore.
I am so thankful that I am not in that hell anymore. It was literally killing me.
Instead, I'm tired and I'm unwell. The Doctor today listened to me tell him all my symptoms and frowned a lot.
"You're a non smoker?"
Never smoked in my life.
"Any history of Asthma?"
Nope.
"Let's listen to your chest"
And I breathe in deeply. And out.
"Again"
And again and again. A lot more than I'm used to.
He listens and frowns again.
"I'd like to send you for a chest x-ray, Janet" The Doctor finally says. This guy is new. Dr Downey doesn't work at this clinic anymore, God bless her. I miss her kind face, her wrinkles and her grey curls. I miss the way she always held my hands in hers. Her hands felt like dry leaves. Soft, old and very sweet.
"You have bronchitis" he continues "I'd like to make sure it doesn't get any worse and turn into pneumonia so let's get some bloods done and a chest x-ray. Come back in to see me tomorrow and I can tell you about your results. No work for you for a while, ok?"
Oh.
Okay.
Well. That explains why I've felt like I'm drowning lately - because it has literally been hard to breathe. My chest aches and my lungs feel as if they are bruised. Broken.
It's been really hard to do anything, really. Really hard to walk without having to stop every few meters to get my breath back.
This explains a lot and I'm glad because then it means I am genuinely sick and that is something everyone seems to deal with really well. People understand physical pain. Physical pain is something that shows up on a scan and Doctors can point to it and we can all nod (even though I have no clue what the heck I'm looking at) and accept it.
We can't scan depression, anxiety or suicidal tendencies.
So I was home ill from work today and no-one questioned it. No one judged me for it. Friends who missed me at work and texted "Hey, where are you?" sent messages of support and care when I told them I was unwell "Oh no - that sucks. Get better soon xx"
Why can't it be this way with mental health? Or lack of?
So today, I thought I'd tell you what has helped me to 'level up' again. Marc and I came up with the term, I think.
This is what got me out of the giant, scary dark hole I was in this time:
Your messages.
My 'love language' is words so when you write to me, you're speaking directly to my heart. I love hearing from you. It means the absolute world to me to have you check in on me, ask me how I am and write back to me even when I tell you I'm suffering. It means everything to me to see words from you. Words like:
"I believe in you"
"I'm sorry you're going through this"
"I care about you"
"I'm so worried about you"
"I'm here for you. Anytime"
My favourites, the things that really lifted me - were hearing from Marc that his life wouldn't be the same without me. I have value in this guy's life! Wow!!! It meant so much to me to hear from Becci all the things she loved about me. Alun's text "I'm thinking of you every second - you are not alone and together we will get through this" got me through the next hour at work. Texts from friends "How are you coping? You ok?" "I'm praying for you, you've GOT this", "Don't give up", "Love you heaps"...you guys are my whole world and hearing from you in words is what saved me. It works every time.
Thank you for writing your blog so that I could walk with you in your world, LB.
Thank you for reaching out to me even though you are going through a hard enough time of your own, Claudie and Becci.
Thank you to everyone who messaged, called, texted and gathered around to lift me up and hold me close.
My advice to anyone who wants to help someone they love through depression:
Give them time and space.
A person going through depression/suicidal thoughts is in a very dark, very scary place. They can't 'hang out' with you. They are too broken and they are going through so much that is so scary and overwhelming that 'having fun' is just too big for them to take on. It's too much. So give them time and space to heal.
Stay in contact.
Even though a lot of people with depression will want time alone to rest, they grapple the most with the feeling that they are alone. They are convinced they are not 'worth anything' and they will not be missed if they kill themselves. So be their lifeline by reaching out to them in the ways that reach them best. For me, it's through words - so texts, messages, letters, cards - omg I love them. Send them messages often. Check in on them often. Let them know how much you love them and be persistent when you do so.
Speak to them in their love language.
Yeah I know, it sounds stupid and corny. I thought it was a stupid marketing gimmick when I first heard of them, too. "Pfft, love languages - laaaaame" and yet I think it's true. I think we all have them. I think my best friends Becci and Christabel like touch and time. If you hug them/hold their hands and spend time with them, it will build them up and really reach them. I think my friend Marc likes words (like me) and time. If he is ever down, I will write to him and find a way to 'FaceTime' with him so that I'm spending time with him. I think my friend Kim's love language is "acts of service". I think when she feels down and overwhelmed, doing something for her is a way to reach her - the way that blesses her most. So in the past, I've sent Kim "a movie night" in the post - a box with popcorn, sweets and dvds so that for that one evening, she doesn't have to think of what to do with her family. I would like to be able to drive because in the times where friends are struggling - the ones who are blessed by 'acts of service' - I would love to drive to their home and tidy the house for them, or make them dinner (okay I am a terrible cook, but I'd order Chinese, Indian or Pizza in for the night instead), do the laundry, water the garden or hang the washing out. I think my friend Troy from Melbourne's love language is 'gifts' because the first thing he did when he arrived at mine and Alun's for the weekend was present us with a box of chocolates. He wanted to buy gifts for his nieces 'back home' and brought a jade bracelet for the girl he was seeing at the time. So if Troy is ever going through a sad/dark time, I will probably send him a gift. I think that's what would bless him.
Don't try to fix them.
It's natural to want to help. It's natural to want to 'fix' the broken person you love because you want to help end their suffering. Trust me, suggesting how to 'fix' someone depressed/anxious/suicidal is one of the worst things you can do. It just adds pressure.
"Go for a walk" "Why don't you exercise?" "Set some goals" "Write a gratefulness journal" "Take some yoga/pilates classes" "Eat more vegetables"
...because the person suffering is weighing up whether they want to live or die...so going for a walk is not going to help them. It's going to overwhelm them and make them feel guilty or lazy or like they're letting you down - and that is just a heavier burden to bear than they can handle at that moment in time.
So just listen.
You can be honest and say "Hey I don't really know what to say/do here...I just know I love you and I want to help". That's totally okay. Just don't try to fix them because it gives the person suffering more expectation to 'do something' when all they can probably do at the moment is just get up. Sometimes we can't even do that and a day - or a week - in bed to sleep is all we can do.
Basically, just love them. Love them in the ways that they understand.
Thank you to all of you who loved me through words because I'm still here today because of it.
Thought it best to start with that.
I guess I've officially levelled up because I'm not weighing up whether I should be alive or not, anymore.
I am so thankful that I am not in that hell anymore. It was literally killing me.
Instead, I'm tired and I'm unwell. The Doctor today listened to me tell him all my symptoms and frowned a lot.
"You're a non smoker?"
Never smoked in my life.
"Any history of Asthma?"
Nope.
"Let's listen to your chest"
And I breathe in deeply. And out.
"Again"
And again and again. A lot more than I'm used to.
He listens and frowns again.
"I'd like to send you for a chest x-ray, Janet" The Doctor finally says. This guy is new. Dr Downey doesn't work at this clinic anymore, God bless her. I miss her kind face, her wrinkles and her grey curls. I miss the way she always held my hands in hers. Her hands felt like dry leaves. Soft, old and very sweet.
"You have bronchitis" he continues "I'd like to make sure it doesn't get any worse and turn into pneumonia so let's get some bloods done and a chest x-ray. Come back in to see me tomorrow and I can tell you about your results. No work for you for a while, ok?"
Oh.
Okay.
Well. That explains why I've felt like I'm drowning lately - because it has literally been hard to breathe. My chest aches and my lungs feel as if they are bruised. Broken.
It's been really hard to do anything, really. Really hard to walk without having to stop every few meters to get my breath back.
This explains a lot and I'm glad because then it means I am genuinely sick and that is something everyone seems to deal with really well. People understand physical pain. Physical pain is something that shows up on a scan and Doctors can point to it and we can all nod (even though I have no clue what the heck I'm looking at) and accept it.
We can't scan depression, anxiety or suicidal tendencies.
So I was home ill from work today and no-one questioned it. No one judged me for it. Friends who missed me at work and texted "Hey, where are you?" sent messages of support and care when I told them I was unwell "Oh no - that sucks. Get better soon xx"
Why can't it be this way with mental health? Or lack of?
So today, I thought I'd tell you what has helped me to 'level up' again. Marc and I came up with the term, I think.
This is what got me out of the giant, scary dark hole I was in this time:
Your messages.
My 'love language' is words so when you write to me, you're speaking directly to my heart. I love hearing from you. It means the absolute world to me to have you check in on me, ask me how I am and write back to me even when I tell you I'm suffering. It means everything to me to see words from you. Words like:
"I believe in you"
"I'm sorry you're going through this"
"I care about you"
"I'm so worried about you"
"I'm here for you. Anytime"
My favourites, the things that really lifted me - were hearing from Marc that his life wouldn't be the same without me. I have value in this guy's life! Wow!!! It meant so much to me to hear from Becci all the things she loved about me. Alun's text "I'm thinking of you every second - you are not alone and together we will get through this" got me through the next hour at work. Texts from friends "How are you coping? You ok?" "I'm praying for you, you've GOT this", "Don't give up", "Love you heaps"...you guys are my whole world and hearing from you in words is what saved me. It works every time.
Thank you for writing your blog so that I could walk with you in your world, LB.
Thank you for reaching out to me even though you are going through a hard enough time of your own, Claudie and Becci.
Thank you to everyone who messaged, called, texted and gathered around to lift me up and hold me close.
My advice to anyone who wants to help someone they love through depression:
Give them time and space.
A person going through depression/suicidal thoughts is in a very dark, very scary place. They can't 'hang out' with you. They are too broken and they are going through so much that is so scary and overwhelming that 'having fun' is just too big for them to take on. It's too much. So give them time and space to heal.
Stay in contact.
Even though a lot of people with depression will want time alone to rest, they grapple the most with the feeling that they are alone. They are convinced they are not 'worth anything' and they will not be missed if they kill themselves. So be their lifeline by reaching out to them in the ways that reach them best. For me, it's through words - so texts, messages, letters, cards - omg I love them. Send them messages often. Check in on them often. Let them know how much you love them and be persistent when you do so.
Speak to them in their love language.
Yeah I know, it sounds stupid and corny. I thought it was a stupid marketing gimmick when I first heard of them, too. "Pfft, love languages - laaaaame" and yet I think it's true. I think we all have them. I think my best friends Becci and Christabel like touch and time. If you hug them/hold their hands and spend time with them, it will build them up and really reach them. I think my friend Marc likes words (like me) and time. If he is ever down, I will write to him and find a way to 'FaceTime' with him so that I'm spending time with him. I think my friend Kim's love language is "acts of service". I think when she feels down and overwhelmed, doing something for her is a way to reach her - the way that blesses her most. So in the past, I've sent Kim "a movie night" in the post - a box with popcorn, sweets and dvds so that for that one evening, she doesn't have to think of what to do with her family. I would like to be able to drive because in the times where friends are struggling - the ones who are blessed by 'acts of service' - I would love to drive to their home and tidy the house for them, or make them dinner (okay I am a terrible cook, but I'd order Chinese, Indian or Pizza in for the night instead), do the laundry, water the garden or hang the washing out. I think my friend Troy from Melbourne's love language is 'gifts' because the first thing he did when he arrived at mine and Alun's for the weekend was present us with a box of chocolates. He wanted to buy gifts for his nieces 'back home' and brought a jade bracelet for the girl he was seeing at the time. So if Troy is ever going through a sad/dark time, I will probably send him a gift. I think that's what would bless him.
Don't try to fix them.
It's natural to want to help. It's natural to want to 'fix' the broken person you love because you want to help end their suffering. Trust me, suggesting how to 'fix' someone depressed/anxious/suicidal is one of the worst things you can do. It just adds pressure.
"Go for a walk" "Why don't you exercise?" "Set some goals" "Write a gratefulness journal" "Take some yoga/pilates classes" "Eat more vegetables"
...because the person suffering is weighing up whether they want to live or die...so going for a walk is not going to help them. It's going to overwhelm them and make them feel guilty or lazy or like they're letting you down - and that is just a heavier burden to bear than they can handle at that moment in time.
So just listen.
You can be honest and say "Hey I don't really know what to say/do here...I just know I love you and I want to help". That's totally okay. Just don't try to fix them because it gives the person suffering more expectation to 'do something' when all they can probably do at the moment is just get up. Sometimes we can't even do that and a day - or a week - in bed to sleep is all we can do.
Basically, just love them. Love them in the ways that they understand.
Thank you to all of you who loved me through words because I'm still here today because of it.
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