I read that on Facebook once and it really resonated with me.
I am a lion. I don't need to care what the stupid sheep around me think of me.
I've had this struggle my whole life with dobbing people in, you know. I don't know where it stems from but it is very powerful and the main drive behind it is that whoever is in trouble - whoever did do the crime/thing/whatever they shouldn't have done - if anyone asks me about it, I instantly feel the need to protect them. To lie for them if need be.
Because I need the person to like me.
No matter how horrible they are.
I don't know why.
I've done it my whole life - covering for my brother. Taking the blame when it was his fault.
I've done it the most for bullies in my life and it makes me so angry and sad because I don't understand why I do it.
"Who hit you, Janet?" teachers have asked in the past.
I knew exactly who it was and yet I couldn't move my mouth.
Nothing in my body would work until I agreed mentally to blame myself.
"No one. I fell over"
WHY?!?
It could be someone who raped me and I wouldn't tell anyone. I wouldn't tell the police. I would blame myself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and I would protect the very person who took from me when I was vulnerable and alone.
WHY?!?
And so it is with these girls at work.
For some insane reason, I really struggled with:
Confronting them about the issue
Unfriending them all on Facebook
My main thought was "it will upset them and they won't like me anymore"
...and I need them to like me.
Even typing it out to you makes me shake my head because I can SEE with my own 2 eyes how insane that is.
THEY ALREADY DON'T LIKE YOU, JD. THAT'S WHY YOU ARE UPSET IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Also:
WHY DO YOU NEED THEM TO LIKE YOU? You have SO MANY good, true, loyal, sweet, wonderful friends in your life. YOU DON'T NEED THESE HORRID BITCHES, JD. You really don't.
I was up most of the night going over all of this in my head.
I'm so tired today.
What I came up with - and the reason I could finally nod off for a few hours of sleep before my alarms for work went off - was this:
I'm going to leave this job. Quietly. No "HR fuss", nothing like that.
But! I'm going to leave on my terms, nonetheless. I'm going to look for and find another job (Praying, praying, praying) and not say a word about it to anyone I work with.
I'm going to (God willing) interview for a job, get offered a start date and I'm going to leave this job.
Whoosh.
Like a ghost.
I was on the train this morning, wondering how to keep my eyes from closing (trains are always the perfect temperature and so soothing - or is that just me?) and I logged into Facebook. The FIRST thing to come up with a stupid meme thing about "office gossip with your fave co-workers" and there - right there - the FIRST comment under it was Ashleigh - tagging Kat, Amy and Talitha (the big four) in that post.
Oh Haha girls, very funny.
In hindsight, I should have "liked" Ash's comment. It would have been SO COOL to even change the 'like' to a laughing icon.
Can you imagine?
Instead, I clicked onto each of their names and unfriended them.
I was worried, the whole journey into the office - "What will they think of me?"
But JD, they already don't care about you.
I'm reminded of the Monty Python quote from "Life of Brian" - "Worse? how can it get any worse?"
And that's what I have to remind myself of when I unfriended each of them.
These girls - these are horrible girls. I don't need them in my life and I will be glad one day that this all happened because it will teach me to be stronger, wiser and more careful.
It is OKAY to distance myself from bullies.
One day, I'll be strong enough even to dob them in when asked "Who did this?".
One day.
For now, I am in the painful phase of being here. The girls that used to 'hang out' around reception are nowhere to be seen and I don't get the friendly waves or smiles anymore.
This is going to be a tough time until I get a new job because I have to keep coming into reception.
I have to keep smiling.
I have to pretend I'm fine because if they don't know they've hurt me, I get to win a tiny victory.
Unfortunately for me - these are the very girls I have to work closely with as between the 5 of us, we make up the "Admin Support" in this building.
This is so hard.
Pray for me, please xx
I am a lion. I don't need to care what the stupid sheep around me think of me.
I've had this struggle my whole life with dobbing people in, you know. I don't know where it stems from but it is very powerful and the main drive behind it is that whoever is in trouble - whoever did do the crime/thing/whatever they shouldn't have done - if anyone asks me about it, I instantly feel the need to protect them. To lie for them if need be.
Because I need the person to like me.
No matter how horrible they are.
I don't know why.
I've done it my whole life - covering for my brother. Taking the blame when it was his fault.
I've done it the most for bullies in my life and it makes me so angry and sad because I don't understand why I do it.
"Who hit you, Janet?" teachers have asked in the past.
I knew exactly who it was and yet I couldn't move my mouth.
Nothing in my body would work until I agreed mentally to blame myself.
"No one. I fell over"
WHY?!?
It could be someone who raped me and I wouldn't tell anyone. I wouldn't tell the police. I would blame myself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and I would protect the very person who took from me when I was vulnerable and alone.
WHY?!?
And so it is with these girls at work.
For some insane reason, I really struggled with:
Confronting them about the issue
Unfriending them all on Facebook
My main thought was "it will upset them and they won't like me anymore"
...and I need them to like me.
Even typing it out to you makes me shake my head because I can SEE with my own 2 eyes how insane that is.
THEY ALREADY DON'T LIKE YOU, JD. THAT'S WHY YOU ARE UPSET IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Also:
WHY DO YOU NEED THEM TO LIKE YOU? You have SO MANY good, true, loyal, sweet, wonderful friends in your life. YOU DON'T NEED THESE HORRID BITCHES, JD. You really don't.
I was up most of the night going over all of this in my head.
I'm so tired today.
What I came up with - and the reason I could finally nod off for a few hours of sleep before my alarms for work went off - was this:
I'm going to leave this job. Quietly. No "HR fuss", nothing like that.
But! I'm going to leave on my terms, nonetheless. I'm going to look for and find another job (Praying, praying, praying) and not say a word about it to anyone I work with.
I'm going to (God willing) interview for a job, get offered a start date and I'm going to leave this job.
Whoosh.
Like a ghost.
I was on the train this morning, wondering how to keep my eyes from closing (trains are always the perfect temperature and so soothing - or is that just me?) and I logged into Facebook. The FIRST thing to come up with a stupid meme thing about "office gossip with your fave co-workers" and there - right there - the FIRST comment under it was Ashleigh - tagging Kat, Amy and Talitha (the big four) in that post.
Oh Haha girls, very funny.
In hindsight, I should have "liked" Ash's comment. It would have been SO COOL to even change the 'like' to a laughing icon.
Can you imagine?
Instead, I clicked onto each of their names and unfriended them.
I was worried, the whole journey into the office - "What will they think of me?"
But JD, they already don't care about you.
I'm reminded of the Monty Python quote from "Life of Brian" - "Worse? how can it get any worse?"
And that's what I have to remind myself of when I unfriended each of them.
These girls - these are horrible girls. I don't need them in my life and I will be glad one day that this all happened because it will teach me to be stronger, wiser and more careful.
It is OKAY to distance myself from bullies.
One day, I'll be strong enough even to dob them in when asked "Who did this?".
One day.
For now, I am in the painful phase of being here. The girls that used to 'hang out' around reception are nowhere to be seen and I don't get the friendly waves or smiles anymore.
This is going to be a tough time until I get a new job because I have to keep coming into reception.
I have to keep smiling.
I have to pretend I'm fine because if they don't know they've hurt me, I get to win a tiny victory.
Unfortunately for me - these are the very girls I have to work closely with as between the 5 of us, we make up the "Admin Support" in this building.
This is so hard.
Pray for me, please xx
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