sometimes growing hurts

Sometimes growing is awesome...you feel like you've learnt something and want to rush outside and start changing the world - I felt like that when I was little. I'd pack a lunch in my 'barbie' backpack, jump on my clunky old bmx and go out 'exploring' wanting to change the world and make it a better place...

...and sometimes growing just hurts your heart.

...like it did today when I heard a knock in the door and called out happily "who is it?" (I was expecting Deane - he came over last night and we had a great chat) and heard a very quiet "It's Bec"...

...and just like that, time just stopped. In the space of 2 seconds, these things happened:

* I remembered Bec and I laughing and hugging when we went to Fremantle markets and had a great day
* I remembered the first day I met Bec and thought my brother had fallen in love with the most beautiful girl I had EVER seen
* I remembered being in England and missing Bec more than I missed my brother...and for me...that's a big deal
* I remembered walking home from the gym so often here in Perth 3 years ago and NEVER leaving the gym without hearing my phone ring and laughing as I told Bec all about my workout and got tips on how to eat healthy from her
* I remember having to leave Perth and the heartwarming card Bec wrote me
* I remember the Christmas Jay and Bec came out to England and it was the FIRST Christmas where I had MY family there as well as Jon's and to this day it means the world to me
* I remember knowing I could always count on Bec. She'd always be there for me, always return emails, always answer my calls, always make time for me
* Then...THEN...I remembered that last phonecall and the things she said. The way I had just survived the hardest, darkest, most compelling,  evil night of my life and when I was at the end of my rope and could take no more, she told me how worthless I was and it hurt more than if someone had shot me right in the heart. I remembered the text she sent to my brother (but somehow copied me in on?) and what she said about me-to my own brother-and I cringe. It hurts so much.

So I was faced with a tough choice for when I opened the door.

Do I smile?
Hug?
shake hands?
walk off?
shout?
shake my head and ask with tears in my eyes: "Why?"

I opened the door and Bec stepped in, looked past me and asked "Does your Mom have email?"

I just wanted to cry.

Instead, I went over to the computer and awkwardly shuffled papers about.

Where did it all go so wrong?

I love my sister-in-law like my very own sister.

This is what I should have done...what I wish I did:

I should have said "Hey Bec! Im so happy to see you" and I would have meant it with all my heart. I should have put my stupid pride aside and hugged her tight and asked if we could both start over.

But instead, walls went up and I got cross and mostly ignored Bec while she and Mom chatted about holidays. To her credit, Bec was more of a grown up and called out to include me in the conversation a few times. Nettled by the FACT that she was being more mature than me, I answered in one-word replies and sulked.

Then she was gone and Im here thinking Im a huge idiot and wondering why I cant let the past go.

Bec...if you're out there...I'm sorry for whatever hurt I caused you. I miss you and I hope you'll forgive me and want to start over as much as I do.

Today I'm left wondering...If I made the trek out to Ellenbrook to see Bex and gingerly knocked on the door...what would SHE do?

Peace out, bloggers. Pray for me? xx