God makes beauty from ashes

Hey, It was one of the hardest things I've done in a while - but I went back to work. Praise God, Alun and all of you who love me and encourage me - got me through the first few hours and from then, I just took things as my friend Christabel and I have labelled "minute to minute" - literally ONE MINUTE I will try to get through life...then the next one. That's my life right now - painful 60-second slots. But (praise God?), I'm still here. I'm still trying. One of the things that pushed me over the edge last Sunday - the day of "The incident"...was that I felt I couldn't trust my psych "George" any more. To work so closely with someone for so long (over 2 years now)...means that the 2 of you build up a relationship. It may be a working one - or in our case - a "therapeutical" relationship - but even so, you can't help but naturally build a bond. When George was in a really bad mood and took it out on me that Tuesd...

I want to write about this because it's been bothering me for a long time now... If you haven't ever had depression or anxiety and you want to help someone dear to you who is suffering from it - then this post is written specifically for you. Depression and Anxiety have different levels - and in my experience (it might be completely different for someone else), these are the best ways to deal with them; the best ways to support and get alongside the person who you love who's going through 'a valley' of sadness and/or depression. Level 1 - Slightly unhappy. At this level, a person has had a few sleepless nights, maybe a tough time at work/in their personal life of late and is starting to feel a little unhappy. THIS is the level where these types of responses are appropriate: "Think positive thoughts, you'll get through this" "Maybe exercise more in the next few days and get those endorphins going" "Don't let the others/t...

It's 7:35pm here and I'm so incredibly anxious. Because I know tomorrow is coming. Tomorrow, (God willing) the sun will come up and as it does, I need to be outside by the bus stop, making my way into work. The logical FACTS are these: - No one is going to kill me - No one at work is going to try to physically hurt me - I won't come away bruised and scarred from work - I will be on reception which is slightly easier than the Ministerial post I do every other week - so that should be fine. - Joy is away...so the office environment should be a little easier to deal with. Especially because it means Stacee and Nicola are filling other roles, will be very busy and won't have time to be around me. But this is what's going on in my head and heart right now - I'm afraid. I'm scared to leave the comfort of mine and Alun's little home. I'm scared of the noises of the busy street outside. I'm scared the sky will literally fall in on me ...

Yesterday, Alun came into the bathroom waving a pink envelope happily. "I assume this is for you" he said, smiling - handing it to me. Along with the pink envelope were 2 roses - one yellow and one cream. The roses were small with delicate petals. They were beautiful and smelled heavenly. The roses didn't have long stems - it was mainly just the buds - as if someone had carefully plucked them from their front garden. There is something very special about home-grown roses. They smell so much better than store-bought roses and the petals are softer and silkier. I love them :) Something else I love - is stationery. And man, I don't know what it is about letters in particular...but they mean the world to me. I love letters. So much! I love writing them and OMG I love receiving them. But with my depression and anxiety at an all time high - I was instantly wary. "This might be from Kira - she might be having a go at me" Alun frowned "Oh yeah - ...

I didn't want to leave the house today. I was so anxious, scared so deeply unhappy. I wanted to curl up in bed and just cry and cry and cry. ...but God had other plans. "I just want to see you and hug you" my friend Dianti had texted "You don't have to stay for more than a second. You don't have to talk. You don't have to say or do anything - I just want to hold you" Well that was more than okay with me. (especially the "you don't have to stay" part) So I forced myself to get up . It hurt and it was painful, but I forced myself to do it. I forced myself to brush my teeth. I forced myself to eat breakfast. Every bite hurt my entire body. It was so hard, you guys. I slept in leggings and an old, crusty t-shirt last night. I went to the gym in those clothes ^^ no one else knows but yeah, I worked out today in my pjs. I have done for a few days now. I got home and Alun was asleep on the couch. He had an hour before he h...

I learnt about this in Uni - " Image Management ". It's happening more and more because of Social Media but I think has been around since life began - people shaping and carefully scripting the way others see them. I do this A LOT . 24/7 in fact. I have done since I was a little girl. I manage how others see me. I do all my crying and hurting in private. I have learnt since I was 5 years old how to cry and have my heart break without making a sound . I couldn't cry then because I had a new little brother and my parents told me not to be noisy because he needed to sleep. Suddenly everything - EVERYTHING - was about Jason. I was forgotten about completely. I couldn't cry because suddenly my tears meant nothing to my parents. I meant nothing to my parents. And it hurt so badly. My heart...was broken so badly by this new knowledge. I was so small and so confused - what did this new baby mean? Why was I being pushed aside - pushed away ? I heard my pare...

The last time I was deeply, severely depressed was in 2009. It was November 2009 when I had the quad-bike accident that nearly killed me - and the anxiety and depression that came with it was so incredibly overwhelming that I tried to hang myself from my Mom's balcony that December. I was in and out of hospital for a good 3-4 months with depression afterwards. I thought I'd never recover. I remember those days. I remember I couldn't feel my face. I couldn't move from bed for months. I couldn't talk, all I could do was stare. Or cry. Or just be nothing at all. So this time isn't that bad and I thank God for that because if it were - I would have taken those tablets on Sunday greedily - eager to meet my end because I can never go through something that dark again. I know I won't survive it. What stayed with me through that time in 2009/10 though - was how much I was loved. I remember telling my friend Alby that getting up every morning was possibly t...

I'm blogging and all my hurt, my grief, my fear...my everything - is being poured out tonight. Unfortunately for you, it's A LOT of reading. Sorry about that. There are so many people that I think love me. Fortunately for them - they've never had depression or mental illness. I honestly wouldn't wish this upon anyone. Unfortunately for me - it means that they don't understand why I'm suicidal. For instance - this is the advice I've been given in the last 3 days from well-intentioned people in my life: "You should eat healthy and go to the gym more - just push yourself to do more, then you'll feel better and you'll stop complaining about nothing" - my Dad "If you go outside and jump up and down 3 times - it will change the flavour (flavour???) of your thinking and you won't be depressed anymore. Tony Robbins said it on youtube today. You need to do it and then you won't want to kill yourself anymore" - My Mom ...

So I decided to end my own life. I'd need to: tidy the house pack my pills and a large bottle of water go to the beach so Alun doesn't come home to a dead body Deactivate my Facebook as I won't be using it any more, will I? I didn't fancy tidying the house. For some insane reason - the important thing here - was to deactivate my Facebook. What was I thinking? Was I thinking at all? What is wrong with me??? Even so, I opened my laptop and started to message people I love most that I was deactivating my Facebook and that they could reach me on my mobile or through email. Please, please call me - please tell me I matter to you - this was my silent prayer as I sent out the most casual "I'm fine - just taking a break from Facebook" messages. OH the lies I am trapped in. Why do I lie?!? Why can't I just ask for help!?!? WHY!?! My 4th friend - and I was selecting people at random who had messaged me on the Facebook messenger app - wa...

It's weird how your world - your entire world changes when you make up your mind - to leave it. That was me on Sunday. I'd just had enough. I think the combination of stress from work, not sleeping, not feeling well (I honestly feel I've had a flu for about 2 weeks now - omg SO over it), feeling upset over things with Christabel (all okay now, by the way) and things with my Psych (still not okay - I'll 'table' that for now), worrying, stressing, feeling unhappy and fragile...it all just got too much for me. I just wanted to die. I saw suicide as a glowing, bright green "exit" sign to all the pain, grief, guilt, sadness, anger, confusion and loss I was feeling. All the things I've suffered for the last 40 years of my life - especially the last 5 weeks which have been so incredibly hard somehow. So I tried to exit my very own life. It's so funny because once I made my mind up to die, I felt so. much. better. At last - a decision. ...

I don't get to blog as much as I'd like because most of my hours are taken up with work. I've found in these last 5-6 weeks that I don't get to do anything I'd like to do because I'm too tired from work! Work, work and more work. When I'm not at work, I'm worrying about it "Did I send the right files to the right agents?" "Did I date stamp the signed Ministerial letter I sent out?""Did I pass on the right details to the right person at the right time?" and on and on. I don't rest - not even outside of work. I find my job at work in Ministerials very challenging. I'm dealing with correspondence from people to the Government, from Minister to Minister, from Government Department to any and all - and everything in between. I'm learning the hard way - that every single letter - every dotted 'i' and crossed 't' has to be perfect before it reaches Parliament. Not only that, it has to pass thro...

One of the toughest things I've been through in my life - is that year of absolute HELL with Anne. The things she put me through and did to me...makes me shudder even now - and I'm almost 17-20 years past it. That's how much and how deeply she hurt me. I remember back in that year, though - the worst feeling was the not knowing. Anne held all the cards, played me like a complete fool - and because I was vulnerable and in hospital with depression for much of that year - struggling to think straight on the powerful medication the hospital had me on - a lot of what she was doing could have been stopped so much sooner if only I had known about it. Her lies, her gossip, her carefully planned and timed comments - the way she got me to sign so many papers which ended up in tens of thousands of debt...all of it could have been stopped if I had any knowledge into the situation. Knowledge is power. It really is. Now I'm 40 years old and not the naive 19 year old Anne go...