I don't get to blog as much as I'd like because most of my hours are taken up with work. I've found in these last 5-6 weeks that I don't get to do anything I'd like to do because I'm too tired from work!
Work, work and more work. When I'm not at work, I'm worrying about it "Did I send the right files to the right agents?" "Did I date stamp the signed Ministerial letter I sent out?""Did I pass on the right details to the right person at the right time?"
and on and on.
I don't rest - not even outside of work.
I find my job at work in Ministerials very challenging. I'm dealing with correspondence from people to the Government, from Minister to Minister, from Government Department to any and all - and everything in between. I'm learning the hard way - that every single letter - every dotted 'i' and crossed 't' has to be perfect before it reaches Parliament. Not only that, it has to pass through about 60 different channels before it reaches it's end goal - and those channels can change swiftly - from minute to minute. It's really, really demanding, fast-paced and completely mental - all the time. There isn't a minute of rest. At work, I'm exhausted, confused (omg sooo confused!!!), at a loss, working against the clock to meet increasing deadlines...and really, really stressed.
Then, in my 'outside of work' life...there's also A LOT going on.
I feel like God is trying to tell me something because I seem to come up against the same 'wall' in my life a lot in the last 2 months.
God wants me to grow up.
I'm hearing the words "toughen up", "Grow up, Janet", "This is part of being a mature adult", "Time to be an adult" "Time to grow up" again and again in my life.
And I'll tell you this - I DON'T LIKE IT. Not one bit.
I don't like it because it feels like being stabbed. It's a juddering, sharp, painful thrusting and banging in my life that hurts terribly. It's confronting, shocking, hard on the ears and on my heart and it's too much.
It's just too much.
I'm learning a lot about myself in these last few months - it's as if my growth and 'maturity' has been accelerated and it's been a scary time. I find myself mentally 'hanging on' to life because I'm scared if I let go - I'll fall off the face of the earth. That's how fast things are changing in my life. Lately I feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails, gritting my teeth against the pain and hoping it will stop.
I just want it to stop.
I just want a minute to exhale.
Please, God.
I don't want to learn this hard and fast lesson in my life. I don't want it. I don't think I can survive how BRUTAL it is.
In the last few weeks, I feel like my foundation has shifted and the people I held in highest esteem and thought the very most of/highly of - have hurt me the most.
Firstly, my friend Christabel. I think of her like a sister. We go way back and have been through a lot together. I think the world of her and I change my entire life to fit her into it. For instance, I rarely see and spend time with Alun. It might seem that way to you guys - that Alun and I are always together but the reality of working long hours and being married to a dedicated Nurse with constantly changing shifts means that we don't see each other at all - for weeks on end. We might have lunch together or dinner - or go for a walk or see a movie - but the entire time, we're both exhausted...and in between those times, we're NOT together at all.
But for Christabel, I make an exception. I give up a lot of precious time with Alun to call her and our calls are never short. I even called and texted her the entire time I was away in Koh Samui with Alun on our anniversary holiday. I think Christabel and I have regularly been on the phone for more than 2 hours at a time. In that time, Alun has waited lovingly and patiently. Or I'll try to fit in time between work, the gym and Alun to spend time with Christabel. I sacrifice everything I am to make sure I'm at the other end of the line for this girl because she means that much to me. It was easier when I only worked part time and now that I work full time, it's so much harder - but still I try and it isn't often that more than a week goes by where I haven't made time to talk to my friend.
But lately; it's been a painful thing. It hurts to hear from Christabel because she's a lot like a hammer in my life. I feel as if I'm presenting something very personal, very painful to her when I talk to her. I'm opening my fragile, glass-like heart to her and she's coming hard at me with a huge hammer.
BANG BANG BANG.
And smashing my heart and my emotions to bits.
When Christabel - or ANY friend - goes through something that is painful for them, I'm 100% on their side. I instantly understand and appreciate how they feel and I gently get beside them and emotionally hold them through it. I do this because I love them and I do this because I know it's what I prefer and what I've seen in my life works best. When someone is hurting - I truly believe it's best to just love them. To comfort them, offer gentle encouragement, remind them of why you love them, remind them that they are stronger, smarter and more gorgeous than they think and sing the song back to their heart that they may have forgotten in the struggle.
In many times in the past few years, Christabel has done the same for me. That's why I love her and value her so highly in my life.
But that has changed dramatically in the past few months. When I told Christabel about some of the really hard things I've gone through lately - she's been really, really harsh with me. She's told me off for not being strong enough, not being brave enough, not standing up for myself and when I try to remind her that I am not the same as her - where she is blunt and fierce - I am sensitive and gentle - it's not been good enough for her. Instead, she is frustrated with me, angry with my sensitivity and disrespectful of my depression and anxiety-driven thoughts and worries.
She said something the last time we spoke that jolted me and hurt me so deeply even now it brings tears to my eyes and a deep ache to my heart. She said "If I was in your position, Joyce would not be bullying me because I wouldn't allow it. It just wouldn't happen to me"
It made me feel so small. So inadequate. So stupid, so measly and so...cowardly.
"It just wouldn't happen to me"
As if I was somehow ASKING for it in my own life. As if I was ALLOWING it. As if it was in my power to completely control the situation and 'win' - as if it was the easiest thing in the world.
Her words echo painfully in the chambers of my heart. I can't seem to "un-hear" it.
Especially as she faced the very same troubles a year ago and I comforted and consoled with her. Now that she's in a happy, supportive work environment - suddenly she's badass and wouldn't ALLOW the bullying I allegedly ALLOW in my own life?!?
Christabel has also said "so you'll be that type of friend" - disdainfully casting me away as someone she can only occasionally speak to because I haven't been able to call as often or for as long (2 hours?!? Come on, now) lately. To know what I've gone through to be there for her and hear her accuse me of being "that" faraway, unreliable, selfish friend who is only there for someone when it suits them - oh it tore my heart to bits.
I have never been 'that' friend. Especially not to her.
Then, to have the exact same treatment from my beloved psych, "George"...well that just blew my mind. And again, tore my heart to pieces.
I hadn't seen 'George' in a week - and we'd made the appointment sooner than our usual 2/4 months apart as I was in a very bad way.
When I see George - I treasure every minute of our therapy session.
I put everyone - EVERYONE - in my life before myself every second of every day when I live my life...so for that one hour every now and then when I'M the most important person in the room - it means the WORLD to me.
But the last session we had seriously makes me want to cancel the next appointment we set up as I was leaving for the next 2 weeks from now and to just never go back.
Again, I took my brokenness to someone who has in the past held it with wise hands. Held it gently. Helped me unpack my 'weirdness' and looked at it with kindness. He's steered me through some pretty tough things in my past...because hey, I'm a pretty f**ked up girl...and it's meant so much to me.
But this last session?
George was sarcastic, impatient, angry and frustrated. He literally held his face in his hands and pleaded with me "Janet - when are you just going to grow up?!? FFS Janet - you need to grow up"
Wait. What?!?
You've always been my advocate, George. You know me inside out - better than anyone on this earth does. I've unpacked the heaviest, darkest things in my life with you and it's been so hard...and you're going to hang this sh*t on me??? You're going to shout at me and tell me off?
It's so stupid but I feel as if he's...abandoned me.
I feel as if he's seen me on fire and instead of helping me find water as he normally does - he's shrugged and said "Just Burn, Janet. You did this to yourself. Why don't you go find your own water and put your own fire out - stop relying on me because I don't want to help you anymore. I'm over it"
The person I am can't see this objectively. I can't see 'the bigger picture' right now. I feel so hurt and my panicked mind is screaming "EVERYONE is leaving you. NO ONE thinks well of you and Team Janet is very quickly diminishing, JD. You're on your own"
I love time on my own...but BEING LEFT ALL ALONE is an entirely different thing. It's out of my control, something I didn't ask for, didn't want...and am suffering for.
In my mind, I don't see this as maybe an 'off' time for 2 people I love...I see this as 2 people I thought I knew - who I thought knew me, too - purposely hurting me because they want me to grow up.
So if this is what growing up is - IT SUCKS.
I hate it and want to be child-like, happy, innocent, naive and sweet all my life.
"Tough love" doesn't work on me, you guys. What "tough love" does to me is HURT terribly. "tough love" takes the rope I have around my neck and makes it tighter.
"Grow up"
"When are you going to be an adult?"
"Joyce wouldn't have done this to me"
"You need to be stronger/braver/tougher"
These just push me towards the glowing exit sign of suicide in my dark, dark life.
I am SO tough on myself that what I want - what I NEED from those in my life who I love - is the gentleness I don't EVER afford myself. I beat myself up all the time - so when I'm with you - I want and need for you to take the whip from my hand and to just hold it - my hand. Hold my bleeding, bruised hand in yours AND MAYBE DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
Or if you do, try:
"I'm sad to see you sad and want you to know - I still like you"
"I won't leave you"
"I'm here for you"
"You're doing your best and for that, I'm proud of you"
"Don't give up because you're worth fighting for"
"I believe you"/"I believe IN you"
"I can see you're hurting - let me just hold you"
"Hey. Shh...it's all going to be ok"
I feel unwelcome and unwanted at work...and now I feel it in my friendships and PSYCH therapy too.
What is my life right now?
Work, work and more work. When I'm not at work, I'm worrying about it "Did I send the right files to the right agents?" "Did I date stamp the signed Ministerial letter I sent out?""Did I pass on the right details to the right person at the right time?"
and on and on.
I don't rest - not even outside of work.
I find my job at work in Ministerials very challenging. I'm dealing with correspondence from people to the Government, from Minister to Minister, from Government Department to any and all - and everything in between. I'm learning the hard way - that every single letter - every dotted 'i' and crossed 't' has to be perfect before it reaches Parliament. Not only that, it has to pass through about 60 different channels before it reaches it's end goal - and those channels can change swiftly - from minute to minute. It's really, really demanding, fast-paced and completely mental - all the time. There isn't a minute of rest. At work, I'm exhausted, confused (omg sooo confused!!!), at a loss, working against the clock to meet increasing deadlines...and really, really stressed.
Then, in my 'outside of work' life...there's also A LOT going on.
I feel like God is trying to tell me something because I seem to come up against the same 'wall' in my life a lot in the last 2 months.
God wants me to grow up.
I'm hearing the words "toughen up", "Grow up, Janet", "This is part of being a mature adult", "Time to be an adult" "Time to grow up" again and again in my life.
And I'll tell you this - I DON'T LIKE IT. Not one bit.
I don't like it because it feels like being stabbed. It's a juddering, sharp, painful thrusting and banging in my life that hurts terribly. It's confronting, shocking, hard on the ears and on my heart and it's too much.
It's just too much.
I'm learning a lot about myself in these last few months - it's as if my growth and 'maturity' has been accelerated and it's been a scary time. I find myself mentally 'hanging on' to life because I'm scared if I let go - I'll fall off the face of the earth. That's how fast things are changing in my life. Lately I feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails, gritting my teeth against the pain and hoping it will stop.
I just want it to stop.
I just want a minute to exhale.
Please, God.
I don't want to learn this hard and fast lesson in my life. I don't want it. I don't think I can survive how BRUTAL it is.
In the last few weeks, I feel like my foundation has shifted and the people I held in highest esteem and thought the very most of/highly of - have hurt me the most.
Firstly, my friend Christabel. I think of her like a sister. We go way back and have been through a lot together. I think the world of her and I change my entire life to fit her into it. For instance, I rarely see and spend time with Alun. It might seem that way to you guys - that Alun and I are always together but the reality of working long hours and being married to a dedicated Nurse with constantly changing shifts means that we don't see each other at all - for weeks on end. We might have lunch together or dinner - or go for a walk or see a movie - but the entire time, we're both exhausted...and in between those times, we're NOT together at all.
But for Christabel, I make an exception. I give up a lot of precious time with Alun to call her and our calls are never short. I even called and texted her the entire time I was away in Koh Samui with Alun on our anniversary holiday. I think Christabel and I have regularly been on the phone for more than 2 hours at a time. In that time, Alun has waited lovingly and patiently. Or I'll try to fit in time between work, the gym and Alun to spend time with Christabel. I sacrifice everything I am to make sure I'm at the other end of the line for this girl because she means that much to me. It was easier when I only worked part time and now that I work full time, it's so much harder - but still I try and it isn't often that more than a week goes by where I haven't made time to talk to my friend.
But lately; it's been a painful thing. It hurts to hear from Christabel because she's a lot like a hammer in my life. I feel as if I'm presenting something very personal, very painful to her when I talk to her. I'm opening my fragile, glass-like heart to her and she's coming hard at me with a huge hammer.
BANG BANG BANG.
And smashing my heart and my emotions to bits.
When Christabel - or ANY friend - goes through something that is painful for them, I'm 100% on their side. I instantly understand and appreciate how they feel and I gently get beside them and emotionally hold them through it. I do this because I love them and I do this because I know it's what I prefer and what I've seen in my life works best. When someone is hurting - I truly believe it's best to just love them. To comfort them, offer gentle encouragement, remind them of why you love them, remind them that they are stronger, smarter and more gorgeous than they think and sing the song back to their heart that they may have forgotten in the struggle.
In many times in the past few years, Christabel has done the same for me. That's why I love her and value her so highly in my life.
But that has changed dramatically in the past few months. When I told Christabel about some of the really hard things I've gone through lately - she's been really, really harsh with me. She's told me off for not being strong enough, not being brave enough, not standing up for myself and when I try to remind her that I am not the same as her - where she is blunt and fierce - I am sensitive and gentle - it's not been good enough for her. Instead, she is frustrated with me, angry with my sensitivity and disrespectful of my depression and anxiety-driven thoughts and worries.
She said something the last time we spoke that jolted me and hurt me so deeply even now it brings tears to my eyes and a deep ache to my heart. She said "If I was in your position, Joyce would not be bullying me because I wouldn't allow it. It just wouldn't happen to me"
It made me feel so small. So inadequate. So stupid, so measly and so...cowardly.
"It just wouldn't happen to me"
As if I was somehow ASKING for it in my own life. As if I was ALLOWING it. As if it was in my power to completely control the situation and 'win' - as if it was the easiest thing in the world.
Her words echo painfully in the chambers of my heart. I can't seem to "un-hear" it.
Especially as she faced the very same troubles a year ago and I comforted and consoled with her. Now that she's in a happy, supportive work environment - suddenly she's badass and wouldn't ALLOW the bullying I allegedly ALLOW in my own life?!?
Christabel has also said "so you'll be that type of friend" - disdainfully casting me away as someone she can only occasionally speak to because I haven't been able to call as often or for as long (2 hours?!? Come on, now) lately. To know what I've gone through to be there for her and hear her accuse me of being "that" faraway, unreliable, selfish friend who is only there for someone when it suits them - oh it tore my heart to bits.
I have never been 'that' friend. Especially not to her.
Then, to have the exact same treatment from my beloved psych, "George"...well that just blew my mind. And again, tore my heart to pieces.
I hadn't seen 'George' in a week - and we'd made the appointment sooner than our usual 2/4 months apart as I was in a very bad way.
When I see George - I treasure every minute of our therapy session.
I put everyone - EVERYONE - in my life before myself every second of every day when I live my life...so for that one hour every now and then when I'M the most important person in the room - it means the WORLD to me.
But the last session we had seriously makes me want to cancel the next appointment we set up as I was leaving for the next 2 weeks from now and to just never go back.
Again, I took my brokenness to someone who has in the past held it with wise hands. Held it gently. Helped me unpack my 'weirdness' and looked at it with kindness. He's steered me through some pretty tough things in my past...because hey, I'm a pretty f**ked up girl...and it's meant so much to me.
But this last session?
George was sarcastic, impatient, angry and frustrated. He literally held his face in his hands and pleaded with me "Janet - when are you just going to grow up?!? FFS Janet - you need to grow up"
Wait. What?!?
You've always been my advocate, George. You know me inside out - better than anyone on this earth does. I've unpacked the heaviest, darkest things in my life with you and it's been so hard...and you're going to hang this sh*t on me??? You're going to shout at me and tell me off?
It's so stupid but I feel as if he's...abandoned me.
I feel as if he's seen me on fire and instead of helping me find water as he normally does - he's shrugged and said "Just Burn, Janet. You did this to yourself. Why don't you go find your own water and put your own fire out - stop relying on me because I don't want to help you anymore. I'm over it"
The person I am can't see this objectively. I can't see 'the bigger picture' right now. I feel so hurt and my panicked mind is screaming "EVERYONE is leaving you. NO ONE thinks well of you and Team Janet is very quickly diminishing, JD. You're on your own"
I love time on my own...but BEING LEFT ALL ALONE is an entirely different thing. It's out of my control, something I didn't ask for, didn't want...and am suffering for.
In my mind, I don't see this as maybe an 'off' time for 2 people I love...I see this as 2 people I thought I knew - who I thought knew me, too - purposely hurting me because they want me to grow up.
So if this is what growing up is - IT SUCKS.
I hate it and want to be child-like, happy, innocent, naive and sweet all my life.
"Tough love" doesn't work on me, you guys. What "tough love" does to me is HURT terribly. "tough love" takes the rope I have around my neck and makes it tighter.
"Grow up"
"When are you going to be an adult?"
"Joyce wouldn't have done this to me"
"You need to be stronger/braver/tougher"
These just push me towards the glowing exit sign of suicide in my dark, dark life.
I am SO tough on myself that what I want - what I NEED from those in my life who I love - is the gentleness I don't EVER afford myself. I beat myself up all the time - so when I'm with you - I want and need for you to take the whip from my hand and to just hold it - my hand. Hold my bleeding, bruised hand in yours AND MAYBE DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
Or if you do, try:
"I'm sad to see you sad and want you to know - I still like you"
"I won't leave you"
"I'm here for you"
"You're doing your best and for that, I'm proud of you"
"Don't give up because you're worth fighting for"
"I believe you"/"I believe IN you"
"I can see you're hurting - let me just hold you"
"Hey. Shh...it's all going to be ok"
I feel unwelcome and unwanted at work...and now I feel it in my friendships and PSYCH therapy too.
What is my life right now?
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