It's weird how your world - your entire world changes when you make up your mind - to leave it.
That was me on Sunday.
I'd just had enough.
I think the combination of stress from work, not sleeping, not feeling well (I honestly feel I've had a flu for about 2 weeks now - omg SO over it), feeling upset over things with Christabel (all okay now, by the way) and things with my Psych (still not okay - I'll 'table' that for now), worrying, stressing, feeling unhappy and fragile...it all just got too much for me.
I just wanted to die.
I saw suicide as a glowing, bright green "exit" sign to all the pain, grief, guilt, sadness, anger, confusion and loss I was feeling. All the things I've suffered for the last 40 years of my life - especially the last 5 weeks which have been so incredibly hard somehow.
So I tried to exit my very own life.
It's so funny because once I made my mind up to die, I felt so. much. better.
At last - a decision.
At last - a break from the relentless pain of being myself. It's exhausting.
Strangely enough, I thought I'd finish planting the bulbs Alun and I brought a week ago before I overdosed on the pills I had been secretly stashing up on the last few weeks. It's amazing what you can accumulate if you visit different Chemists in different parts of the city.
So I walked to Bunnings - a gardening and DIY store - which is about 10 minute's walk away.
I didn't care that it was a bright, clear, crisp, GORGEOUS winter's day.
I just. didn't. care.
I didn't brush my hair and I think I walked there in what I'd slept in the night before - leggings and a torn jumper, socks with holes in them and old sneakers I kicked onto my feet as I stepped outside.
I was living minute to minute - and in that minute, I just wanted to get a few bigger pots to put our seedlings in.
Just that. Then take enough tablets so I could end the terrible, terrible pain I was in.
So strange that getting pots from Bunnings and then dying seemed perfectly acceptable to me.
Peaceful and lovely, somehow.
That's how warped my mind is right now.
I went to Bunnings. I picked 3 pots - plastic ones that look like they're made of clay. Only $7 each.
Wow. That's a good bargain.
I don't even know why I was trying to buy cheap pots - may as well have gotten actual clay ones.
My mind was fuzzy - so at the time, it seemed completely normal to spend wisely before I killed myself.
OMG.
I took the pots to the counter and slid them across to the salesgirl. She was a young girl. Very pretty. Very tall and very thin. Her hair was light brown and she had it in a low bun with strands escaping and framing her pretty face and neck.
"That'll be $21" she said. She smiled.
Oh how her smile hurt me. It ached to see her so innocent. So happy.
Do you know that this is the last purchase I will ever make?
I pleaded with my eyes as I smiled back "Sure - I'll use paypass if that's ok?"
She nodded and held the paypass machine out to me.
Help me. Please help me.
I tapped my card onto the machine and winced as it beeped.
For that meant it was over.
It was done.
The salesgirl stacked the pots on top of each other "to make it easier for you to carry" she said with a kind smile.
I just wanted to weep.
Her simple act of kindness was hurting me because I was so lost and this was all so final.
I walked home through a blur of tears that cascaded without end down my cheeks.
Call someone - tell them how you're feeling
Is that God speaking to me?
I pulled my phone out.
Alun was the first name on my contacts list. Oh my heart. I don't want to hurt him but it is DEFINITELY better for him if I die. He can get a better wife. His Mother doesn't like me anyway.
So I clicked onwards down my contacts list.
"I don't want to bother him - he just lost his job"
"I can't call her - she has 4 children to support and won't need this extra burden"
"I can't call her - she's busy at work"
"I can't call them - I don't want to worry them"
...and so on...until I'd reached the end of my contacts list and felt 100% convinced that I couldn't call anyone.
My phone 'pinged' with an incoming text.
Gracie.
"Oi"
I sighed. Okay. Well this might be a sign. This might be someone I can reach out to.
"hey"
I texted back
"What you doing, hoebag?"
I hate when she calls me that. Gracie has gotten into a very bad habit of calling me "hoe" or "bitch" or "slag" and I hate it. I think what we call each other is so important in this world, don't you? Even as a 'joke' - it makes marks on a person's heart the words we use.
Today, I hated it more than I ever thought possible.
Even so, I wanted to persist.
"I'm really struggling" I typed out.
I stared at my words for ages.
I added "I feel so suicidal, Gracie. I really need you. Can you come around and just sit with me?"
I stared at those words, too. It cost me so much to type them. It was a huge cost to myself to put myself out there like that. It was a huge cost to open my heart and leave it raw and bleeding in the hands of someone I have believed was my closest friend.
Shaking, I pressed 'send'.
Almost a second later, 'ping!'
A response.
I bit my lip. Hope rose in my chest. Was she coming over? Was Gracie's text going to say "Sit tight - I'm on my way"? Was it going to say "I love you - don't you dare - I'll come now"?
I opened the envelope icon.
To see the words "Yep. Cool Story"
YEP.
COOL.
STORY.
I can't tell you...like, I don't even have the words to explain how MUCH that hurt.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, GRACIE?!? (sorry Jesus)
Grief mixed with disbelief, mixed with RAGE at her reply threatened to kill me on their own. No tablets needed.
I stood on the spot with my phone in my hand for what felt like hours.
Angry - so angry and so hurt that I was physically shaking, I texted back:
"What?"
Instantly - ping!
"You are so selfish, Janet. I'm PREGNANT and I needed my best friend in the last 4 months but you've not come out even once to see me"
YOU LIVE IN DONGORRA, GRACIE!!! IT'S 5 HOUR'S DRIVE AWAY FROM PERTH. I DON'T DRIVE!!! I WORK 60 HOURS A WEEK. How was I supposed to go and see you???
My mind flashed memories of the last SIX times Gracie and I arranged to do something together - lunch, a movie, a picnic in the park, a shopping trip. I suddenly remembered SHE HAD CANCELLED every single time. Gracie hadn't even texted an explanation - each time, she'd just texted two words "not coming" and left me at it. Didn't answer my calls when I wanted to know why not. Just ignored me.
AND NOW THIS?!?
Oh no. No no no no NO.
"I don't drive, Gracie" I texted "Also - YOU cancelled on ME the last SIX times we planned to do something together so it's not that I've not been there for you - you've not been there at all!"
I was so angry my shaking was getting worse. My muscles were screaming in the pain of it.
Ping!
"You keeping score, are you? What a shit person"
Oh no.
NO YOU DIDN'T.
"I'm dying here, Gracie. Like, literally going to end my life and this is what you text me?"
Ping!
"You're over dramatic, Janet. You're such a drama queen. I'm sorry I cancelled those times, ok? I'm pregnant, I have a lot on my mind"
I couldn't take any more.
I wanted to kill myself just to PROVE I was suffering. My anxiety and depression were at an all time high.
No more.
No more of this.
I brought up the settings on my phone until "Block" was next to Gracie's name.
I hit "confirm".
"are you sure?" the phone asked.
DAMN RIGHT I'M SURE.
Angry and feeling so alone, so desperate - I posted on Facebook "When you text a friend you're suicidal and they text back "Cool story" - wtf?"
and instantly, Gracie was on there - "Delete this, bitch"
I hadn't unfriended her on Facebook so she still had access to me.
Damn it.
"I've not mentioned your name and no one knows it's about you so NO, I won't be doing any such thing" I messaged back on Facebook's messenger app.
"Look, I'm sorry I said that. You don't have to run to Facebook with every fucking thing, Janet" came Gracie's reply.
"Can you please come over and we can sort this out?" I pleaded
"Nope. Busy shopping. You'll be fine"
Okay. Enough. Enough of this.
Gracie is never there for me and is the most needy, selfish person I've ever met. I don't know why I kept trying to be friends with her. It was suddenly so clear. I've been the one doing all the giving in this "friendship" and now that I needed her to SAVE MY LIFE - she wanted to shop?!?
I unfriended her on Facebook.
My plans to garden and secret hope that it would calm me and I would change my mind about killing myself all went completely out the window with this experience with Gracie.
I would do it now to prove how much I was hurting.
I'll show you. I'll show all of you.
That was me on Sunday.
I'd just had enough.
I think the combination of stress from work, not sleeping, not feeling well (I honestly feel I've had a flu for about 2 weeks now - omg SO over it), feeling upset over things with Christabel (all okay now, by the way) and things with my Psych (still not okay - I'll 'table' that for now), worrying, stressing, feeling unhappy and fragile...it all just got too much for me.
I just wanted to die.
I saw suicide as a glowing, bright green "exit" sign to all the pain, grief, guilt, sadness, anger, confusion and loss I was feeling. All the things I've suffered for the last 40 years of my life - especially the last 5 weeks which have been so incredibly hard somehow.
So I tried to exit my very own life.
It's so funny because once I made my mind up to die, I felt so. much. better.
At last - a decision.
At last - a break from the relentless pain of being myself. It's exhausting.
Strangely enough, I thought I'd finish planting the bulbs Alun and I brought a week ago before I overdosed on the pills I had been secretly stashing up on the last few weeks. It's amazing what you can accumulate if you visit different Chemists in different parts of the city.
So I walked to Bunnings - a gardening and DIY store - which is about 10 minute's walk away.
I didn't care that it was a bright, clear, crisp, GORGEOUS winter's day.
I just. didn't. care.
I didn't brush my hair and I think I walked there in what I'd slept in the night before - leggings and a torn jumper, socks with holes in them and old sneakers I kicked onto my feet as I stepped outside.
I was living minute to minute - and in that minute, I just wanted to get a few bigger pots to put our seedlings in.
Just that. Then take enough tablets so I could end the terrible, terrible pain I was in.
So strange that getting pots from Bunnings and then dying seemed perfectly acceptable to me.
Peaceful and lovely, somehow.
That's how warped my mind is right now.
I went to Bunnings. I picked 3 pots - plastic ones that look like they're made of clay. Only $7 each.
Wow. That's a good bargain.
I don't even know why I was trying to buy cheap pots - may as well have gotten actual clay ones.
My mind was fuzzy - so at the time, it seemed completely normal to spend wisely before I killed myself.
OMG.
I took the pots to the counter and slid them across to the salesgirl. She was a young girl. Very pretty. Very tall and very thin. Her hair was light brown and she had it in a low bun with strands escaping and framing her pretty face and neck.
"That'll be $21" she said. She smiled.
Oh how her smile hurt me. It ached to see her so innocent. So happy.
Do you know that this is the last purchase I will ever make?
I pleaded with my eyes as I smiled back "Sure - I'll use paypass if that's ok?"
She nodded and held the paypass machine out to me.
Help me. Please help me.
I tapped my card onto the machine and winced as it beeped.
For that meant it was over.
It was done.
The salesgirl stacked the pots on top of each other "to make it easier for you to carry" she said with a kind smile.
I just wanted to weep.
Her simple act of kindness was hurting me because I was so lost and this was all so final.
I walked home through a blur of tears that cascaded without end down my cheeks.
Call someone - tell them how you're feeling
Is that God speaking to me?
I pulled my phone out.
Alun was the first name on my contacts list. Oh my heart. I don't want to hurt him but it is DEFINITELY better for him if I die. He can get a better wife. His Mother doesn't like me anyway.
So I clicked onwards down my contacts list.
"I don't want to bother him - he just lost his job"
"I can't call her - she has 4 children to support and won't need this extra burden"
"I can't call her - she's busy at work"
"I can't call them - I don't want to worry them"
...and so on...until I'd reached the end of my contacts list and felt 100% convinced that I couldn't call anyone.
My phone 'pinged' with an incoming text.
Gracie.
"Oi"
I sighed. Okay. Well this might be a sign. This might be someone I can reach out to.
"hey"
I texted back
"What you doing, hoebag?"
I hate when she calls me that. Gracie has gotten into a very bad habit of calling me "hoe" or "bitch" or "slag" and I hate it. I think what we call each other is so important in this world, don't you? Even as a 'joke' - it makes marks on a person's heart the words we use.
Today, I hated it more than I ever thought possible.
Even so, I wanted to persist.
"I'm really struggling" I typed out.
I stared at my words for ages.
I added "I feel so suicidal, Gracie. I really need you. Can you come around and just sit with me?"
I stared at those words, too. It cost me so much to type them. It was a huge cost to myself to put myself out there like that. It was a huge cost to open my heart and leave it raw and bleeding in the hands of someone I have believed was my closest friend.
Shaking, I pressed 'send'.
Almost a second later, 'ping!'
A response.
I bit my lip. Hope rose in my chest. Was she coming over? Was Gracie's text going to say "Sit tight - I'm on my way"? Was it going to say "I love you - don't you dare - I'll come now"?
I opened the envelope icon.
To see the words "Yep. Cool Story"
YEP.
COOL.
STORY.
I can't tell you...like, I don't even have the words to explain how MUCH that hurt.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, GRACIE?!? (sorry Jesus)
Grief mixed with disbelief, mixed with RAGE at her reply threatened to kill me on their own. No tablets needed.
I stood on the spot with my phone in my hand for what felt like hours.
Angry - so angry and so hurt that I was physically shaking, I texted back:
"What?"
Instantly - ping!
"You are so selfish, Janet. I'm PREGNANT and I needed my best friend in the last 4 months but you've not come out even once to see me"
YOU LIVE IN DONGORRA, GRACIE!!! IT'S 5 HOUR'S DRIVE AWAY FROM PERTH. I DON'T DRIVE!!! I WORK 60 HOURS A WEEK. How was I supposed to go and see you???
My mind flashed memories of the last SIX times Gracie and I arranged to do something together - lunch, a movie, a picnic in the park, a shopping trip. I suddenly remembered SHE HAD CANCELLED every single time. Gracie hadn't even texted an explanation - each time, she'd just texted two words "not coming" and left me at it. Didn't answer my calls when I wanted to know why not. Just ignored me.
AND NOW THIS?!?
Oh no. No no no no NO.
"I don't drive, Gracie" I texted "Also - YOU cancelled on ME the last SIX times we planned to do something together so it's not that I've not been there for you - you've not been there at all!"
I was so angry my shaking was getting worse. My muscles were screaming in the pain of it.
Ping!
"You keeping score, are you? What a shit person"
Oh no.
NO YOU DIDN'T.
"I'm dying here, Gracie. Like, literally going to end my life and this is what you text me?"
Ping!
"You're over dramatic, Janet. You're such a drama queen. I'm sorry I cancelled those times, ok? I'm pregnant, I have a lot on my mind"
I couldn't take any more.
I wanted to kill myself just to PROVE I was suffering. My anxiety and depression were at an all time high.
No more.
No more of this.
I brought up the settings on my phone until "Block" was next to Gracie's name.
I hit "confirm".
"are you sure?" the phone asked.
DAMN RIGHT I'M SURE.
Angry and feeling so alone, so desperate - I posted on Facebook "When you text a friend you're suicidal and they text back "Cool story" - wtf?"
and instantly, Gracie was on there - "Delete this, bitch"
I hadn't unfriended her on Facebook so she still had access to me.
Damn it.
"I've not mentioned your name and no one knows it's about you so NO, I won't be doing any such thing" I messaged back on Facebook's messenger app.
"Look, I'm sorry I said that. You don't have to run to Facebook with every fucking thing, Janet" came Gracie's reply.
"Can you please come over and we can sort this out?" I pleaded
"Nope. Busy shopping. You'll be fine"
Okay. Enough. Enough of this.
Gracie is never there for me and is the most needy, selfish person I've ever met. I don't know why I kept trying to be friends with her. It was suddenly so clear. I've been the one doing all the giving in this "friendship" and now that I needed her to SAVE MY LIFE - she wanted to shop?!?
I unfriended her on Facebook.
My plans to garden and secret hope that it would calm me and I would change my mind about killing myself all went completely out the window with this experience with Gracie.
I would do it now to prove how much I was hurting.
I'll show you. I'll show all of you.
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