I didn't want to leave the house today. I was so anxious, scared so deeply unhappy. I wanted to curl up in bed and just cry and cry and cry.
...but God had other plans.
"I just want to see you and hug you" my friend Dianti had texted "You don't have to stay for more than a second. You don't have to talk. You don't have to say or do anything - I just want to hold you"
Well that was more than okay with me.
(especially the "you don't have to stay" part)
So I forced myself to get up. It hurt and it was painful, but I forced myself to do it.
I forced myself to brush my teeth.
I forced myself to eat breakfast. Every bite hurt my entire body. It was so hard, you guys.
I slept in leggings and an old, crusty t-shirt last night.
I went to the gym in those clothes ^^ no one else knows but yeah, I worked out today in my pjs. I have done for a few days now.
I got home and Alun was asleep on the couch. He had an hour before he had to leave for work and said I could go with him into the city (winning), so Alun lifted the blanket and I snuggled in close to him...and fell asleep within seconds.
After all these weeks and months of 'snatches' of sleep - 20 minutes here and there...I finally slept. It was so nice and warm and safe in my husband's arms. We both had a great hour's sleep and when Alun's alarm beeped us both into consciousness again - I felt more ready for the day and my headache from the last week had gone away.
Thank you, Father God. Thank you.
I got up, showered, got dressed - and was pleased to find that the size 12 "body hugger" jeans I bought from Cotton on - FIT. They fit me so nicely!!! My legs have a lovely shape to them and are so much more toned now because of Personal Training at the gym.
Even in my depressed state - somewhere deep within, I can recognise this as a blessing.
I look good in my jeans. My smaller jeans.
Praise God.
The weather outside was dark, grey and sooo cold. OMG. It mirrored how I felt on the inside - stormy and unhappy.
I sooo didn't want to go into the city but I kept thinking of Dianti's beautiful face and how much I wanted a hug from my dear friend - so I kept putting one foot in front of the other until I was in her lobby and texting the words "I'm here".
Dianti texted back instantly "I'm on my way"
She arrived within minutes and spread her arms out to hug me when she was still a good 30 feet away "My Janet - my angel"
We embraced and her hug was so filled with love it broke my heart and I cried and cried. We stayed that way for ages and I love that Dianti wasn't embarrassed. She didn't let go, she let me cling to her for dear life for as long as I wanted.
We found a table near the back of the downstairs cafe and I talked and talked. Dainti nodded and listened. She "mmm"ed and patted my hand. She cried with me when I broke down.
Then something miraculous happened.
Dianti shared her story with me.
Just a little of her past.
IT. IS. INCREDIBLE.
I wish I could tell you about it but I don't want to break my friends' confidence so I can't tell you in detail some of the things Dianti has been through - but I can tell you she's been through the fire and she's come out a CHAMPION.
Dianti is small, thin, and ABSOLUTELY STUNNING. She dresses well, always beams a beautiful smile with perfect teeth and honey-coloured skin. She looks like Thandi Newton (a personal hero of mine because she's just sooo beautiful) and you would never think she's been through what she's been through because she looks so delicate.
But the story Dianti shared with me - the small part of her past that she told me about - was AMAZING.
The best thing was that I saw so much of my own past in Dianti's story. I thought I was the only person in the world who loved my family when they so wanted to be rid of me. I thought I was the only one who didn't get along with their little brother...but now I know I'm not alone...and something small - some tiny spark deep in the soul of me - has been lit. Has been healed. Has been repaired - just that little bit.
In the frame of mind I'm in - I'm going to grip onto that with both hands.
If someone as delicate, sweet, open, honest and loving as Dianti can be treated in similar ways to me by similar people (family)...and come out the wonderful person she is - then there is a chance I'm not stuck being the f**ked up person I think I am. There's a chance what I've been through and how it's shaped and changed me - can be used for the good. Maybe I can turn out as stunningly beautiful on the inside AND outside as Dianti? If I could have half the grace and dignity she does - then I'm on a winner.
In Dianti, I've found a kindred spirit and I thank God for that...because it means I'm not the only one this happened to.
Maybe I'm not as alone as I thought?
Maybe I'm not the only one with a past filled with being unwanted?
What I learned from the 2 hours (!!!) with my friend today is that there's hope.
In the midst of pain, rejection and hurt - there's also life and strength and VICTORY...Because I heard of it ALL when Dianti shared some of her story with me.
And oh my gosh - what a powerful life story it was.
I will cling to what I learned this afternoon from my darling friend with all my might...because that means that maybe there might be hope for me, too.
...but God had other plans.
"I just want to see you and hug you" my friend Dianti had texted "You don't have to stay for more than a second. You don't have to talk. You don't have to say or do anything - I just want to hold you"
Well that was more than okay with me.
(especially the "you don't have to stay" part)
So I forced myself to get up. It hurt and it was painful, but I forced myself to do it.
I forced myself to brush my teeth.
I forced myself to eat breakfast. Every bite hurt my entire body. It was so hard, you guys.
I slept in leggings and an old, crusty t-shirt last night.
I went to the gym in those clothes ^^ no one else knows but yeah, I worked out today in my pjs. I have done for a few days now.
I got home and Alun was asleep on the couch. He had an hour before he had to leave for work and said I could go with him into the city (winning), so Alun lifted the blanket and I snuggled in close to him...and fell asleep within seconds.
After all these weeks and months of 'snatches' of sleep - 20 minutes here and there...I finally slept. It was so nice and warm and safe in my husband's arms. We both had a great hour's sleep and when Alun's alarm beeped us both into consciousness again - I felt more ready for the day and my headache from the last week had gone away.
Thank you, Father God. Thank you.
I got up, showered, got dressed - and was pleased to find that the size 12 "body hugger" jeans I bought from Cotton on - FIT. They fit me so nicely!!! My legs have a lovely shape to them and are so much more toned now because of Personal Training at the gym.
Even in my depressed state - somewhere deep within, I can recognise this as a blessing.
I look good in my jeans. My smaller jeans.
Praise God.
The weather outside was dark, grey and sooo cold. OMG. It mirrored how I felt on the inside - stormy and unhappy.
I sooo didn't want to go into the city but I kept thinking of Dianti's beautiful face and how much I wanted a hug from my dear friend - so I kept putting one foot in front of the other until I was in her lobby and texting the words "I'm here".
Dianti texted back instantly "I'm on my way"
She arrived within minutes and spread her arms out to hug me when she was still a good 30 feet away "My Janet - my angel"
We embraced and her hug was so filled with love it broke my heart and I cried and cried. We stayed that way for ages and I love that Dianti wasn't embarrassed. She didn't let go, she let me cling to her for dear life for as long as I wanted.
We found a table near the back of the downstairs cafe and I talked and talked. Dainti nodded and listened. She "mmm"ed and patted my hand. She cried with me when I broke down.
Then something miraculous happened.
Dianti shared her story with me.
Just a little of her past.
IT. IS. INCREDIBLE.
I wish I could tell you about it but I don't want to break my friends' confidence so I can't tell you in detail some of the things Dianti has been through - but I can tell you she's been through the fire and she's come out a CHAMPION.
Dianti is small, thin, and ABSOLUTELY STUNNING. She dresses well, always beams a beautiful smile with perfect teeth and honey-coloured skin. She looks like Thandi Newton (a personal hero of mine because she's just sooo beautiful) and you would never think she's been through what she's been through because she looks so delicate.
But the story Dianti shared with me - the small part of her past that she told me about - was AMAZING.
The best thing was that I saw so much of my own past in Dianti's story. I thought I was the only person in the world who loved my family when they so wanted to be rid of me. I thought I was the only one who didn't get along with their little brother...but now I know I'm not alone...and something small - some tiny spark deep in the soul of me - has been lit. Has been healed. Has been repaired - just that little bit.
In the frame of mind I'm in - I'm going to grip onto that with both hands.
If someone as delicate, sweet, open, honest and loving as Dianti can be treated in similar ways to me by similar people (family)...and come out the wonderful person she is - then there is a chance I'm not stuck being the f**ked up person I think I am. There's a chance what I've been through and how it's shaped and changed me - can be used for the good. Maybe I can turn out as stunningly beautiful on the inside AND outside as Dianti? If I could have half the grace and dignity she does - then I'm on a winner.
In Dianti, I've found a kindred spirit and I thank God for that...because it means I'm not the only one this happened to.
Maybe I'm not as alone as I thought?
Maybe I'm not the only one with a past filled with being unwanted?
What I learned from the 2 hours (!!!) with my friend today is that there's hope.
In the midst of pain, rejection and hurt - there's also life and strength and VICTORY...Because I heard of it ALL when Dianti shared some of her story with me.
And oh my gosh - what a powerful life story it was.
I will cling to what I learned this afternoon from my darling friend with all my might...because that means that maybe there might be hope for me, too.
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