The last time I was deeply, severely depressed was in 2009. It was November 2009 when I had the quad-bike accident that nearly killed me - and the anxiety and depression that came with it was so incredibly overwhelming that I tried to hang myself from my Mom's balcony that December. I was in and out of hospital for a good 3-4 months with depression afterwards. I thought I'd never recover.
I remember those days.
I remember I couldn't feel my face. I couldn't move from bed for months. I couldn't talk, all I could do was stare. Or cry. Or just be nothing at all.
So this time isn't that bad and I thank God for that because if it were - I would have taken those tablets on Sunday greedily - eager to meet my end because I can never go through something that dark again. I know I won't survive it.
What stayed with me through that time in 2009/10 though - was how much I was loved.
I remember telling my friend Alby that getting up every morning was possibly the worst time of each day for me. As soon as consciousness hit me and my eyes opened, the tears would come. The weight of grief would come. And I wouldn't be able to move. I would lay on my back in bed and I would wait and hope for my heart to just stop.
So Alby texted me every single morning for almost a year.
"Good morning Janet - how are you, beautiful?"
And you know what? Those texts helped me through the dark side of the morning. Every morning.
I had Caris, Sonya, Jess and Gracie (AAARGHHHHH!!!) around me constantly - each taking turns to just sit with me. Caris would come over and colour in with me, Sonya would take me on long drives (I love being in the car), Jess would sing with me and Gracie would bring over my favourite Disney DVDS and just sit with me. I didn't need to talk or be anything - I could just sit...and they would just sit with me. I had so many other good friends around me - Justin, Aubrey, friends from high school who got in touch and stayed in touch...I constantly had people around me to love me and remind me that I was worth something.
I never expected it to happen again - especially with the last 7 years (since 2010) of losing friends. I don't see Tracey, Samantha and Penny anymore (close friends from high school) because they all had babies at the same time. They were all pregnant together and I felt so left out - I couldn't connect to the experience. Tracey and Samantha became especially protective over their Facebook accounts and asked me to change my settings to something weird so that no one on my feed could see their pictures of their babies and I didn't understand...so they unfriended me. I fell out with Caris, Jess, Sonya and as you know - Gracie...so I felt as if I'd lost my best friends. I fell out with Kelly and in the last year, I fell out with my dear friends Terry and Kira.
Depression convinced me that because of who I'd lost - I didn't have anyone left. It's so powerful the way depression changes everything. Reason and logic are shoved aside and replaced by fear, guilt and paranoia. Somehow I haven't been able to think clearly about the friends I do have in my life (I love you all, I just can't think straight right now), I've been obsessed instead - with grieving the loss of friends I don't.
So when this new 'great sadness' hit me on Sunday - I felt as if I was going to go through it alone. I felt as if I would deactivate my Facebook and that no one would care. I felt as if life was a party I was attending and I'd slip quietly out the side door and that no one would notice I'd gone.
But what has happened since Sunday has been so very different from anything I ever expected...
...because there has been a constant outpouring of love.
Love from old friends, new friends, people I didn't expect and people I had somehow forgotten about. People I've only just met and people I had in my life as a little girl. Every day since Sunday afternoon, my phone 'pings' with loving text messages, emails and voicemails from people I love - who love me, too.
This is completely astounding to me.
I messaged my beloved friend "G" about my struggle and he rang me - from Ireland (!!!) - to tell me to hang in there and not hurt myself. It was so good to hear his warm, friendly, familiar, loving voice again.
Justin - who I've not seen or heard from in 4 years - rang me. He said again and again "Love you, Janet - so much, mate" and oh my heart...it meant the world to me.
My beautiful friend from the UK, Heather - has been an absolute angel in my life, she's stayed close and has been supportive, encouraging and gentle in all the best ways. I'm so thankful for her in my life.
My new 'squad' - Dianti, Sarita, Amy and Sevasti - are all calling, texting and messaging throughout the day to check in on me and remind me I am loved.
My dear friend Christabel also checks in on me constantly. She could have decided to cut me off, decided I was 'too much trouble' - "too much drama" as Gracie has said - but instead, Christabel has been loving, patient and gentle - which for her must be hard as I know she likes to call a spade a spade. Christabel has a heart of gold and cares deeply for people around her - but her nature is not to tread gently - and yet she is doing so with me and it means so very much. I love her and I'm so blessed by how hard she's trying.
People I worked with at DSD are messaging constantly to check in on me and have made lunch plans with me (I'm too scared to go...but they've understood and just supported and encouraged me even so) and people I've worked with in the past - my darling friends Mary Ellen, Sue and Christine - have all been in contact to make sure I'm okay.
My favourite youth from the UK are in constant contact and it has been a healing balm on my heart to hear from Marc, Becci, Sammy, Phil, Jess, Jade...and Joey T (!!!) again. They're all young adults now and not babies anymore and to have them gather around me to love on me - it's been incredible.
Kim and AB - a few of my favourite people ever - have teamed up to make sure I'm okay. They send me silly pictures and jokes and they work together to remind me of good things in life.
A little girl I used to BABYSIT in the Northern Territory - when I wasn't much older than her - (and this was more than 30 years ago) - got in touch the other day and texts me every day to ask me to think of something good in my life. She texts funny faces and silly emoticons and pictures of rainbows. That is so surprising to me that someone I haven't seen in what feels like a lifetime would text me daily to support and encourage me.
My cousin Anuwar has also been AN ABSOLUTE LEGEND. I'm aware he's also very close to my brother (oh Lord...let's not go there...I'll be crying again if we do and have only just stopped) so I thought he'd take a few steps back from me but instead he's been closer than ever. Anuwar lives 2-3 hour's drive away and the moment he heard I was struggling - he wanted to drive to me and see me. He calls and messages all throughout the day and his gentleness and kindness are just incredible. Anuwar sends the most loving, creative, sweet emails and is the kindest person I've ever experienced. That's saying something - because I'm being reminded in the last few days that I have A LOT of pretty awesome people around me.
A guy I met at Justin's wedding - James - has also been incredibly loving, supportive and encouraging. He went out of his way to get my number from Justin. I've not had someone fight to be in my life that way before. James works away (FIFO) and has so much going on in his life - but he messages constantly to remind me of God's goodness and grace and is just so lovely. My emotions are all over the place and I had a bit of a crazy crush on James when I met him all those years ago (OMG he's the manliest guy I've ever met - and so on fire for God - it's a very attractive combo) so I definitely need to make sure I keep a safe distance from him. Nothing he's doing is wrong at all - James is a pure, honest, man with integrity and is nothing but kind and supportive - it's ME who is in a weird place and having dangerous thoughts. I need to make sure I stay away from him until my emotions and mental state are in a better place.
I love Alun with all my heart. I am NOT going to let him down.
While I was at the gym the other day (and I went in my pjs. I didn't have the energy or motivation to get changed from bed, I just literally forced myself out of the house and into the gym and didn't care what I was wearing), my phone rang every hour - and it was a different friend each time. One of the calls was from a friend Carrie - who I used to work with at Diabetes WA - and haven't seen in years! She rang and told me how much she appreciated my kindness and help when she was ill and wanted to encourage me to keep going forward even though I was hurting.
WOW.
I get so many calls of love. So many letters, texts, messages, emails - offers to visit...they are so numerous it just boggles my mind...but in the best ways.
Each and every day, I get at least 20 text messages, phone calls, emails and letters in the post from people - loads and loads of people I love - who say the same things to me again and again:
"You're not alone"
"I see you, Janet - I see you" (oh Amy - such powerful words - they've made my heart soar)
"I will always be with you"
"I'm not going anywhere - and neither are you"
"I love you so much"
"You mean the world to me"
"I would be devastated if you were to kill yourself"
"I adore you"
"You are one of my favourite people"
...and on and on.
The encouragement and kindness around me - is something so great and so wonderful that I can't explain it. It's so beautiful and so precious and so...grounding, warm, sweet, and comforting...that it just blows my mind. I didn't know I was so loved. I had no idea it was by so many people, either. This is absolutely amazing.
Father God - this is the most beautiful and wonderful thing and I am so blessed to have friends in my life who love me, who walk with me through the valleys, who hold all my broken pieces together and who love me when I feel nothing but ugly and worthless.
I matter to my husband.
I matter to my friends.
This. Is. Incredible.
I just wish I could take it in :(
I wish I could wrap it around me like a winter coat and I wish I could apply it onto my heart and mind to help heal them.
I wish I could explain to those who love me how much it means to hear from them and to not only hear from them - but to be reminded of how loved I am by them.
But that's another facet of depression that is absolutely horrible...I can't feel anything but hatred for myself. Shame that I am me and that these beautiful people around me think I am someone good and kind when I am hateful, bitter, twisted and severely f**ked up. I can't feel anything but sadness, fear, anxiety and grief.
Today, I cried almost all day. I don't know why. I couldn't make it to the gym and Alun just held me and spoke gently and lovingly to me...but every minute felt like a year and every small action felt like it took all my energy to complete.
I don't know why I'm receiving so much love from so many people.
I'm a fraud and I don't deserve this.
I know I'm a fraud. I know I'm actually really, really worthless. It's only a matter of time before everyone who's being kind to me will know it, too.
And yet it keeps coming. Love. Love in its many wonderous forms. Love that comes in waves that wash over me and feel like warm sunlight on my cheeks and across the top of my nose. Love that feels like bear hugs, giggles, bubbles, chocolates, flowers, sunlight, rainbows, clouds, waterfalls...the beach on a summer's eve...love. So much of it and so constantly through these last very dark days.
I'm so grateful, Lord God. Thank you xx
I remember those days.
I remember I couldn't feel my face. I couldn't move from bed for months. I couldn't talk, all I could do was stare. Or cry. Or just be nothing at all.
So this time isn't that bad and I thank God for that because if it were - I would have taken those tablets on Sunday greedily - eager to meet my end because I can never go through something that dark again. I know I won't survive it.
What stayed with me through that time in 2009/10 though - was how much I was loved.
I remember telling my friend Alby that getting up every morning was possibly the worst time of each day for me. As soon as consciousness hit me and my eyes opened, the tears would come. The weight of grief would come. And I wouldn't be able to move. I would lay on my back in bed and I would wait and hope for my heart to just stop.
So Alby texted me every single morning for almost a year.
"Good morning Janet - how are you, beautiful?"
And you know what? Those texts helped me through the dark side of the morning. Every morning.
I had Caris, Sonya, Jess and Gracie (AAARGHHHHH!!!) around me constantly - each taking turns to just sit with me. Caris would come over and colour in with me, Sonya would take me on long drives (I love being in the car), Jess would sing with me and Gracie would bring over my favourite Disney DVDS and just sit with me. I didn't need to talk or be anything - I could just sit...and they would just sit with me. I had so many other good friends around me - Justin, Aubrey, friends from high school who got in touch and stayed in touch...I constantly had people around me to love me and remind me that I was worth something.
I never expected it to happen again - especially with the last 7 years (since 2010) of losing friends. I don't see Tracey, Samantha and Penny anymore (close friends from high school) because they all had babies at the same time. They were all pregnant together and I felt so left out - I couldn't connect to the experience. Tracey and Samantha became especially protective over their Facebook accounts and asked me to change my settings to something weird so that no one on my feed could see their pictures of their babies and I didn't understand...so they unfriended me. I fell out with Caris, Jess, Sonya and as you know - Gracie...so I felt as if I'd lost my best friends. I fell out with Kelly and in the last year, I fell out with my dear friends Terry and Kira.
Depression convinced me that because of who I'd lost - I didn't have anyone left. It's so powerful the way depression changes everything. Reason and logic are shoved aside and replaced by fear, guilt and paranoia. Somehow I haven't been able to think clearly about the friends I do have in my life (I love you all, I just can't think straight right now), I've been obsessed instead - with grieving the loss of friends I don't.
So when this new 'great sadness' hit me on Sunday - I felt as if I was going to go through it alone. I felt as if I would deactivate my Facebook and that no one would care. I felt as if life was a party I was attending and I'd slip quietly out the side door and that no one would notice I'd gone.
But what has happened since Sunday has been so very different from anything I ever expected...
...because there has been a constant outpouring of love.
Love from old friends, new friends, people I didn't expect and people I had somehow forgotten about. People I've only just met and people I had in my life as a little girl. Every day since Sunday afternoon, my phone 'pings' with loving text messages, emails and voicemails from people I love - who love me, too.
This is completely astounding to me.
I messaged my beloved friend "G" about my struggle and he rang me - from Ireland (!!!) - to tell me to hang in there and not hurt myself. It was so good to hear his warm, friendly, familiar, loving voice again.
Justin - who I've not seen or heard from in 4 years - rang me. He said again and again "Love you, Janet - so much, mate" and oh my heart...it meant the world to me.
My beautiful friend from the UK, Heather - has been an absolute angel in my life, she's stayed close and has been supportive, encouraging and gentle in all the best ways. I'm so thankful for her in my life.
My new 'squad' - Dianti, Sarita, Amy and Sevasti - are all calling, texting and messaging throughout the day to check in on me and remind me I am loved.
My dear friend Christabel also checks in on me constantly. She could have decided to cut me off, decided I was 'too much trouble' - "too much drama" as Gracie has said - but instead, Christabel has been loving, patient and gentle - which for her must be hard as I know she likes to call a spade a spade. Christabel has a heart of gold and cares deeply for people around her - but her nature is not to tread gently - and yet she is doing so with me and it means so very much. I love her and I'm so blessed by how hard she's trying.
People I worked with at DSD are messaging constantly to check in on me and have made lunch plans with me (I'm too scared to go...but they've understood and just supported and encouraged me even so) and people I've worked with in the past - my darling friends Mary Ellen, Sue and Christine - have all been in contact to make sure I'm okay.
My favourite youth from the UK are in constant contact and it has been a healing balm on my heart to hear from Marc, Becci, Sammy, Phil, Jess, Jade...and Joey T (!!!) again. They're all young adults now and not babies anymore and to have them gather around me to love on me - it's been incredible.
Kim and AB - a few of my favourite people ever - have teamed up to make sure I'm okay. They send me silly pictures and jokes and they work together to remind me of good things in life.
A little girl I used to BABYSIT in the Northern Territory - when I wasn't much older than her - (and this was more than 30 years ago) - got in touch the other day and texts me every day to ask me to think of something good in my life. She texts funny faces and silly emoticons and pictures of rainbows. That is so surprising to me that someone I haven't seen in what feels like a lifetime would text me daily to support and encourage me.
My cousin Anuwar has also been AN ABSOLUTE LEGEND. I'm aware he's also very close to my brother (oh Lord...let's not go there...I'll be crying again if we do and have only just stopped) so I thought he'd take a few steps back from me but instead he's been closer than ever. Anuwar lives 2-3 hour's drive away and the moment he heard I was struggling - he wanted to drive to me and see me. He calls and messages all throughout the day and his gentleness and kindness are just incredible. Anuwar sends the most loving, creative, sweet emails and is the kindest person I've ever experienced. That's saying something - because I'm being reminded in the last few days that I have A LOT of pretty awesome people around me.
A guy I met at Justin's wedding - James - has also been incredibly loving, supportive and encouraging. He went out of his way to get my number from Justin. I've not had someone fight to be in my life that way before. James works away (FIFO) and has so much going on in his life - but he messages constantly to remind me of God's goodness and grace and is just so lovely. My emotions are all over the place and I had a bit of a crazy crush on James when I met him all those years ago (OMG he's the manliest guy I've ever met - and so on fire for God - it's a very attractive combo) so I definitely need to make sure I keep a safe distance from him. Nothing he's doing is wrong at all - James is a pure, honest, man with integrity and is nothing but kind and supportive - it's ME who is in a weird place and having dangerous thoughts. I need to make sure I stay away from him until my emotions and mental state are in a better place.
I love Alun with all my heart. I am NOT going to let him down.
While I was at the gym the other day (and I went in my pjs. I didn't have the energy or motivation to get changed from bed, I just literally forced myself out of the house and into the gym and didn't care what I was wearing), my phone rang every hour - and it was a different friend each time. One of the calls was from a friend Carrie - who I used to work with at Diabetes WA - and haven't seen in years! She rang and told me how much she appreciated my kindness and help when she was ill and wanted to encourage me to keep going forward even though I was hurting.
WOW.
I get so many calls of love. So many letters, texts, messages, emails - offers to visit...they are so numerous it just boggles my mind...but in the best ways.
Each and every day, I get at least 20 text messages, phone calls, emails and letters in the post from people - loads and loads of people I love - who say the same things to me again and again:
"You're not alone"
"I see you, Janet - I see you" (oh Amy - such powerful words - they've made my heart soar)
"I will always be with you"
"I'm not going anywhere - and neither are you"
"I love you so much"
"You mean the world to me"
"I would be devastated if you were to kill yourself"
"I adore you"
"You are one of my favourite people"
...and on and on.
The encouragement and kindness around me - is something so great and so wonderful that I can't explain it. It's so beautiful and so precious and so...grounding, warm, sweet, and comforting...that it just blows my mind. I didn't know I was so loved. I had no idea it was by so many people, either. This is absolutely amazing.
Father God - this is the most beautiful and wonderful thing and I am so blessed to have friends in my life who love me, who walk with me through the valleys, who hold all my broken pieces together and who love me when I feel nothing but ugly and worthless.
I matter to my husband.
I matter to my friends.
This. Is. Incredible.
I just wish I could take it in :(
I wish I could wrap it around me like a winter coat and I wish I could apply it onto my heart and mind to help heal them.
I wish I could explain to those who love me how much it means to hear from them and to not only hear from them - but to be reminded of how loved I am by them.
But that's another facet of depression that is absolutely horrible...I can't feel anything but hatred for myself. Shame that I am me and that these beautiful people around me think I am someone good and kind when I am hateful, bitter, twisted and severely f**ked up. I can't feel anything but sadness, fear, anxiety and grief.
Today, I cried almost all day. I don't know why. I couldn't make it to the gym and Alun just held me and spoke gently and lovingly to me...but every minute felt like a year and every small action felt like it took all my energy to complete.
I don't know why I'm receiving so much love from so many people.
I'm a fraud and I don't deserve this.
I know I'm a fraud. I know I'm actually really, really worthless. It's only a matter of time before everyone who's being kind to me will know it, too.
And yet it keeps coming. Love. Love in its many wonderous forms. Love that comes in waves that wash over me and feel like warm sunlight on my cheeks and across the top of my nose. Love that feels like bear hugs, giggles, bubbles, chocolates, flowers, sunlight, rainbows, clouds, waterfalls...the beach on a summer's eve...love. So much of it and so constantly through these last very dark days.
I'm so grateful, Lord God. Thank you xx
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