So I decided to end my own life.
I'd need to:
tidy the house
pack my pills and a large bottle of water
go to the beach so Alun doesn't come home to a dead body
Deactivate my Facebook as I won't be using it any more, will I?
I didn't fancy tidying the house.
For some insane reason - the important thing here - was to deactivate my Facebook.
What was I thinking? Was I thinking at all? What is wrong with me???
Even so, I opened my laptop and started to message people I love most that I was deactivating my Facebook and that they could reach me on my mobile or through email.
Please, please call me - please tell me I matter to you - this was my silent prayer as I sent out the most casual "I'm fine - just taking a break from Facebook" messages.
OH the lies I am trapped in.
Why do I lie?!?
Why can't I just ask for help!?!?
WHY!?!
My 4th friend - and I was selecting people at random who had messaged me on the Facebook messenger app - was my friend "Toby" (name changed to protect him).
Toby lives in Melbourne and we've never actually met. We met online through the very dating site I met Alun on. We talked on Skype a few times (Before I met Alun) to 'feel each other out' I guess. We decided we'd both stick to being friends - the distance wasn't going to work for us as a romantic couple. So over the last 6 years, we've become good friends to each other. We don't talk often, just a "hello there" now and again - so when I messaged Toby, I honestly thought nothing more of it.
But he did.
Somehow, he knew something was amiss. Instead of messaging or emailing - he RANG IMMEDIATELY.
"Dude - what's going on? You love Facebook. Something is very wrong"
Wow.
How did he know?
I burst into tears. I was both relieved and frightened. relieved to have someone who cared - who wanted to call me and find out if I was okay - and scared because now it was real. I was going to kill myself and now I had to tell someone about it. I couldn't hide my grief when he could clearly hear it on the phone.
"I can't go on" I sobbed
Toby's breathing was instantly fast and ragged "Wait. what? OMG Janet. OMG...please, please don't. Please stay with me, here, mate - please don't"
Tears ran down my face and my heart broke anew at how much I'd wanted this to be Gracie's words.
Then broke again at how much Toby cared when we barely spoke.
"I can't do this, Toby" I wailed - feeling as if my life was leaving me through the painful ache in my lungs, my bones, my heart, my soul - my being.
Then Toby - someone I've never met in person - saved my life.
He talked to me. Gently. Urgently. Lovingly. Kindly. Powerfully.
I can't even remember what he said, but I know it grounded me somehow. His words, the cadence of his voice and his ragged, panicked breathing that let me know he really, REALLY cared - kept me still in the frightening fight for my life.
In the raging storm of depression, guilt, self hatred and grief - I clung to the sound of Toby's voice like a life raft.
"Hey listen" Toby said after a few hours of talking together had passed; "I'm going to put in earphones so we can keep talking while I uhh...clean my house, is that ok? The line will go a bit bumpy while I plug them in, but I'm still here. Don't YOU go anywhere ok? It'll just take a second"
I couldn't believe it - but a giggle escaped from me.
"You're cleaning your home?" I asked.
Again - a giggle. OMG what was I doing?!?
Stop giggling, JD. you're depressed, you idiot.
Toby's chuckle was like warm honey on my soul "yeah - gotta get this house tidy...it's a wreck"
We both laughed.
"I'll save your life AND make my bed!" Toby's smile reached through the miles between us and embraced me in a warm hug.
I didn't know what to do with this swing of emotions. Kill myself - but wait to do it until Toby's sheets were folded???
What on earth?
The absurdity of the situation made ME smile.
What was going on?
Depression hit hard and flew at me so fast, I almost had to sit down for fear of falling over.
KEEP YOUR MIND SET ON KILLING YOURSELF. It reminded me.
It doesn't matter about Toby's messy house Anxiety screamed Get out of this painful life - take all the tablets you've saved. Do it. DO IT NOW.
Right.
I cleared my throat.
No more giggling, JD.
"Toby - you're busy...I'll hang up"
Toby instantly panicked. "What? No!!! No way. I planned to stay on the phone with you until Alun gets home to you"
Then, Toby said something I will NEVER forget. For as long as I live. He said:
"Even if Alun has just started his shift - I WILL stay on the phone with you for EIGHT HOURS just to keep you alive until he can take over"
Oh my word.
Wow.
My heart - my heart sang.
"You would do that...for me?" I asked. Fresh tears came. Tears of gratitude and wonder at the kindness of this guy I've never met.
I could almost hear his good-natured shrug "Of course! That's what friends do, Janet"
That's what friends do.
I'd need to:
tidy the house
pack my pills and a large bottle of water
go to the beach so Alun doesn't come home to a dead body
Deactivate my Facebook as I won't be using it any more, will I?
I didn't fancy tidying the house.
For some insane reason - the important thing here - was to deactivate my Facebook.
What was I thinking? Was I thinking at all? What is wrong with me???
Even so, I opened my laptop and started to message people I love most that I was deactivating my Facebook and that they could reach me on my mobile or through email.
Please, please call me - please tell me I matter to you - this was my silent prayer as I sent out the most casual "I'm fine - just taking a break from Facebook" messages.
OH the lies I am trapped in.
Why do I lie?!?
Why can't I just ask for help!?!?
WHY!?!
My 4th friend - and I was selecting people at random who had messaged me on the Facebook messenger app - was my friend "Toby" (name changed to protect him).
Toby lives in Melbourne and we've never actually met. We met online through the very dating site I met Alun on. We talked on Skype a few times (Before I met Alun) to 'feel each other out' I guess. We decided we'd both stick to being friends - the distance wasn't going to work for us as a romantic couple. So over the last 6 years, we've become good friends to each other. We don't talk often, just a "hello there" now and again - so when I messaged Toby, I honestly thought nothing more of it.
But he did.
Somehow, he knew something was amiss. Instead of messaging or emailing - he RANG IMMEDIATELY.
"Dude - what's going on? You love Facebook. Something is very wrong"
Wow.
How did he know?
I burst into tears. I was both relieved and frightened. relieved to have someone who cared - who wanted to call me and find out if I was okay - and scared because now it was real. I was going to kill myself and now I had to tell someone about it. I couldn't hide my grief when he could clearly hear it on the phone.
"I can't go on" I sobbed
Toby's breathing was instantly fast and ragged "Wait. what? OMG Janet. OMG...please, please don't. Please stay with me, here, mate - please don't"
Tears ran down my face and my heart broke anew at how much I'd wanted this to be Gracie's words.
Then broke again at how much Toby cared when we barely spoke.
"I can't do this, Toby" I wailed - feeling as if my life was leaving me through the painful ache in my lungs, my bones, my heart, my soul - my being.
Then Toby - someone I've never met in person - saved my life.
He talked to me. Gently. Urgently. Lovingly. Kindly. Powerfully.
I can't even remember what he said, but I know it grounded me somehow. His words, the cadence of his voice and his ragged, panicked breathing that let me know he really, REALLY cared - kept me still in the frightening fight for my life.
In the raging storm of depression, guilt, self hatred and grief - I clung to the sound of Toby's voice like a life raft.
"Hey listen" Toby said after a few hours of talking together had passed; "I'm going to put in earphones so we can keep talking while I uhh...clean my house, is that ok? The line will go a bit bumpy while I plug them in, but I'm still here. Don't YOU go anywhere ok? It'll just take a second"
I couldn't believe it - but a giggle escaped from me.
"You're cleaning your home?" I asked.
Again - a giggle. OMG what was I doing?!?
Stop giggling, JD. you're depressed, you idiot.
Toby's chuckle was like warm honey on my soul "yeah - gotta get this house tidy...it's a wreck"
We both laughed.
"I'll save your life AND make my bed!" Toby's smile reached through the miles between us and embraced me in a warm hug.
I didn't know what to do with this swing of emotions. Kill myself - but wait to do it until Toby's sheets were folded???
What on earth?
The absurdity of the situation made ME smile.
What was going on?
Depression hit hard and flew at me so fast, I almost had to sit down for fear of falling over.
KEEP YOUR MIND SET ON KILLING YOURSELF. It reminded me.
It doesn't matter about Toby's messy house Anxiety screamed Get out of this painful life - take all the tablets you've saved. Do it. DO IT NOW.
Right.
I cleared my throat.
No more giggling, JD.
"Toby - you're busy...I'll hang up"
Toby instantly panicked. "What? No!!! No way. I planned to stay on the phone with you until Alun gets home to you"
Then, Toby said something I will NEVER forget. For as long as I live. He said:
"Even if Alun has just started his shift - I WILL stay on the phone with you for EIGHT HOURS just to keep you alive until he can take over"
Oh my word.
Wow.
My heart - my heart sang.
"You would do that...for me?" I asked. Fresh tears came. Tears of gratitude and wonder at the kindness of this guy I've never met.
I could almost hear his good-natured shrug "Of course! That's what friends do, Janet"
That's what friends do.
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