I'm blogging and all my hurt, my grief, my fear...my everything - is being poured out tonight. Unfortunately for you, it's A LOT of reading. Sorry about that.
There are so many people that I think love me. Fortunately for them - they've never had depression or mental illness. I honestly wouldn't wish this upon anyone. Unfortunately for me - it means that they don't understand why I'm suicidal.
For instance - this is the advice I've been given in the last 3 days from well-intentioned people in my life:
"You should eat healthy and go to the gym more - just push yourself to do more, then you'll feel better and you'll stop complaining about nothing" - my Dad
"If you go outside and jump up and down 3 times - it will change the flavour (flavour???) of your thinking and you won't be depressed anymore. Tony Robbins said it on youtube today. You need to do it and then you won't want to kill yourself anymore" - My Mom
"You should shout I AM A GOOD PERSON at yourself in the Mirror at least 3 times a day. You'll be cured in no time" - my friend Dianti
"You need a swift kick up the ass - just suck it up" - I won't mention them. It hurts too much.
"Just grow up, Janet" - George, my beloved psych. OMG it hurt to hear those words from him.
"Think of 3 things you're thankful for and write them down - then you'll be all better" - friends Amy and Carrie - they both don't know each other but both rang to say the exact same thing within an hour of each other.
A range of usual responses from people who have NO IDEA what it is like to suffer as people with depression do:
"Just change your thinking - be more positive"
"There are people starving in 3rd world countries - you should think yourself lucky to be where you are now - you have NOTHING to complain or be sad about"
"You have so many people who love you - that should be enough. You don't need to be sad"
And every time I hear something like ^^ the above...I want to die even more.
Because those responses say to me "You are not sick. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are complaining about a non-existent illness for NO REASON and you are being stupid and selfish"
So I want to kill myself to PROVE that I am indeed suffering.
I AM in pain. I AM suffering.
and here's something else - I DON'T CARE ABOUT STARVING AFRICANS.
Sorry, but that's how it is for me right now.
This is what life for me feels like:
It's physically painful. My lungs burn. My body hurts terribly. Getting up out of bed feels like I've run a marathon - except that in this DEEP, DARK, HOLE - the 'finish line' for the Marathon keeps getting moved 20 feet away - then 20 feet away - then 20 more feet away...and all the while...my feet are aching from the effort. I don't have the endurance for this never-ending race.
It's mentally painful. My mind is racing all the time. 24/7 thoughts pinging around and popping, crashing, colliding painfully around in my skull. THEY ARE ALL VERY DARK, VERY FOREBODING, VERY TERRIBLE thoughts. ALL THE TIME.
It's emotionally painful. I cry and cry and cry ALL THE TIME. I'm so dehydrated from crying that I have to have a bottle of water - so I can keep crying!!!
What is my life that this is what I'm reduced to???
I don't sleep. I worry all the time - about EVERYTHING. I stress all the time. I'm scared ALL the time. I'm unhappy - deeply, profoundly unhappy ALL THE TIME.
Can you remember how it felt when you experienced either in a very, very sad, very anxious, very frightening, very devastating moment in your life - the one that squeezes your heart and your lungs and squeezes the tears from your eyes - the moment where someone you love has died and you know you'll NEVER see them again - the moment where you caught the one you loved cheating on you - the moment you lost a job when your entire family was dependant upon you and you don't know where your next meal is coming from - the moment someone was raping you - their hairy, sweaty stomach on top of yours and their heaving and grunting as they pushed inside your most private and precious places - the moment when your beloved pet breathed its last breath because the cancer was too much and the vet had to put it down...
the moments that shake your world and tear you apart form the inside out?
Take those moments, put them ALL TOGETHER - then MULTIPLY the resulting feelings BY A MILLION and ENDURE THAT FOR DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS and YEARS on end...
...and that is my life RIGHT NOW.
For a normal person - those feelings of fear, anxiety, sadness, grief, loss, confusion, disillusionment...all of the bad feelings and hard emotions - they pass.
With depression - THEY DO NOT EVER GO AWAY.
EVER.
THIS IS WHAT HAVING DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND SUICIDAL TENDENCIES IS LIKE.
THIS IS MY LIFE EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY.
So when my own PARENTS think JUMPING UP AND DOWN will 'fix' what I'm going through...OMG I just want to shoot myself point blank in the FACE because I'm so frustrated, angry, upset and desperate and SO DISILLUSIONED that THIS is their best advice as I hang onto my life with my very fingernails.
JUST JUMP UP AND DOWN.
It boggles the mind.
It boggles MY mind. And my mind is a pretty accepting place right now of ANYTHING f**ked up.
But JUMPING UP AND DOWN to END SUICIDAL THOUGHTS takes F**KED UP to entirely new levels.
I'm greiving so hard and so badly and so CONTINUALLY that telling me I "look okay" "you don't look sick" "You were laughing just last week" DOES NOT HELP ME at all.
I'm not the person I was a week ago.
I don't even think I am the person I was an hour ago.
I am a desperate, frightened thing - and I am NOT who you thought I was.
I'm not even who I thought I was.
I'm so scared and so desperate right now that taking a breath takes up my entire being. Breathing IN and OUT right now - that's enough for me. That's ALL I can do.
So don't tell me about starving Africans.
Or the homeless.
Or how blessed I am.
Or how much Alun loves me.
Or how much YOU do.
Because I can't breathe, you guys. I can't breathe.
There are so many people that I think love me. Fortunately for them - they've never had depression or mental illness. I honestly wouldn't wish this upon anyone. Unfortunately for me - it means that they don't understand why I'm suicidal.
For instance - this is the advice I've been given in the last 3 days from well-intentioned people in my life:
"You should eat healthy and go to the gym more - just push yourself to do more, then you'll feel better and you'll stop complaining about nothing" - my Dad
"If you go outside and jump up and down 3 times - it will change the flavour (flavour???) of your thinking and you won't be depressed anymore. Tony Robbins said it on youtube today. You need to do it and then you won't want to kill yourself anymore" - My Mom
"You should shout I AM A GOOD PERSON at yourself in the Mirror at least 3 times a day. You'll be cured in no time" - my friend Dianti
"You need a swift kick up the ass - just suck it up" - I won't mention them. It hurts too much.
"Just grow up, Janet" - George, my beloved psych. OMG it hurt to hear those words from him.
"Think of 3 things you're thankful for and write them down - then you'll be all better" - friends Amy and Carrie - they both don't know each other but both rang to say the exact same thing within an hour of each other.
A range of usual responses from people who have NO IDEA what it is like to suffer as people with depression do:
"Just change your thinking - be more positive"
"There are people starving in 3rd world countries - you should think yourself lucky to be where you are now - you have NOTHING to complain or be sad about"
"You have so many people who love you - that should be enough. You don't need to be sad"
And every time I hear something like ^^ the above...I want to die even more.
Because those responses say to me "You are not sick. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are complaining about a non-existent illness for NO REASON and you are being stupid and selfish"
So I want to kill myself to PROVE that I am indeed suffering.
I AM in pain. I AM suffering.
and here's something else - I DON'T CARE ABOUT STARVING AFRICANS.
Sorry, but that's how it is for me right now.
This is what life for me feels like:
It's physically painful. My lungs burn. My body hurts terribly. Getting up out of bed feels like I've run a marathon - except that in this DEEP, DARK, HOLE - the 'finish line' for the Marathon keeps getting moved 20 feet away - then 20 feet away - then 20 more feet away...and all the while...my feet are aching from the effort. I don't have the endurance for this never-ending race.
It's mentally painful. My mind is racing all the time. 24/7 thoughts pinging around and popping, crashing, colliding painfully around in my skull. THEY ARE ALL VERY DARK, VERY FOREBODING, VERY TERRIBLE thoughts. ALL THE TIME.
It's emotionally painful. I cry and cry and cry ALL THE TIME. I'm so dehydrated from crying that I have to have a bottle of water - so I can keep crying!!!
What is my life that this is what I'm reduced to???
I don't sleep. I worry all the time - about EVERYTHING. I stress all the time. I'm scared ALL the time. I'm unhappy - deeply, profoundly unhappy ALL THE TIME.
Can you remember how it felt when you experienced either in a very, very sad, very anxious, very frightening, very devastating moment in your life - the one that squeezes your heart and your lungs and squeezes the tears from your eyes - the moment where someone you love has died and you know you'll NEVER see them again - the moment where you caught the one you loved cheating on you - the moment you lost a job when your entire family was dependant upon you and you don't know where your next meal is coming from - the moment someone was raping you - their hairy, sweaty stomach on top of yours and their heaving and grunting as they pushed inside your most private and precious places - the moment when your beloved pet breathed its last breath because the cancer was too much and the vet had to put it down...
the moments that shake your world and tear you apart form the inside out?
Take those moments, put them ALL TOGETHER - then MULTIPLY the resulting feelings BY A MILLION and ENDURE THAT FOR DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS and YEARS on end...
...and that is my life RIGHT NOW.
For a normal person - those feelings of fear, anxiety, sadness, grief, loss, confusion, disillusionment...all of the bad feelings and hard emotions - they pass.
With depression - THEY DO NOT EVER GO AWAY.
EVER.
THIS IS WHAT HAVING DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND SUICIDAL TENDENCIES IS LIKE.
THIS IS MY LIFE EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY.
So when my own PARENTS think JUMPING UP AND DOWN will 'fix' what I'm going through...OMG I just want to shoot myself point blank in the FACE because I'm so frustrated, angry, upset and desperate and SO DISILLUSIONED that THIS is their best advice as I hang onto my life with my very fingernails.
JUST JUMP UP AND DOWN.
It boggles the mind.
It boggles MY mind. And my mind is a pretty accepting place right now of ANYTHING f**ked up.
But JUMPING UP AND DOWN to END SUICIDAL THOUGHTS takes F**KED UP to entirely new levels.
I'm greiving so hard and so badly and so CONTINUALLY that telling me I "look okay" "you don't look sick" "You were laughing just last week" DOES NOT HELP ME at all.
I'm not the person I was a week ago.
I don't even think I am the person I was an hour ago.
I am a desperate, frightened thing - and I am NOT who you thought I was.
I'm not even who I thought I was.
I'm so scared and so desperate right now that taking a breath takes up my entire being. Breathing IN and OUT right now - that's enough for me. That's ALL I can do.
So don't tell me about starving Africans.
Or the homeless.
Or how blessed I am.
Or how much Alun loves me.
Or how much YOU do.
Because I can't breathe, you guys. I can't breathe.
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