I want to write about this because it's been bothering me for a long time now...
If you haven't ever had depression or anxiety and you want to help someone dear to you who is suffering from it - then this post is written specifically for you.
Depression and Anxiety have different levels - and in my experience (it might be completely different for someone else), these are the best ways to deal with them; the best ways to support and get alongside the person who you love who's going through 'a valley' of sadness and/or depression.
Level 1 - Slightly unhappy.
At this level, a person has had a few sleepless nights, maybe a tough time at work/in their personal life of late and is starting to feel a little unhappy.
THIS is the level where these types of responses are appropriate:
"Think positive thoughts, you'll get through this"
"Maybe exercise more in the next few days and get those endorphins going"
"Don't let the others/the situation get you down - it'll be okay"
"Life is GREAT - don't let others take your joy away"
At this level, it's ok to send inspirational quotes and "you can do it" pictures/posts. All good.
Level 2 - Depressed and Anxious and have been for more than a few weeks
At this level, a person experiencing depression and anxiety over a long time (and believe me, when you have it - 1 day feels like a year so more than a few weeks of this and you start to think you're losing your mind)
This is the level where you need to be gentle above all else - because the person you love has been suffering over a long time. If the person you love who's going through depression/anxiety likes being around people - this is the time to book in afternoon tea, a car drive, a trip to the beach...whatever.
This is the time to encourage them to "take long walks", "do things that make you happy", "be around positive people"
Level 3 - Severely depressed
At this level, the person suffering is in a very bad way indeed. If they can get from horizontal to vertical before lunchtime - IT IS A WIN. That is ALL they can manage and even that might require a few hour's sleep.
THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TELL THEM TO BE POSITIVE because their world is a very dark place and 'being happy' is as foreign a concept as going to the moon. They can't relate - so don't force them to.
For the love of God, DON'T tell them to 'just be happy' and don't ask them to 'go for a walk' because like I said - being in their home and just getting from the bed to a different room in the house - is enough.
Anxiety makes the world an incredibly frightening place and depression makes it an incredibly soul-less, empty, grey place. Combined - this makes it near impossible to get dressed - let alone LEAVE THE HOUSE.
So exercise is out.
Going out - is too difficult
"Being positive" is DAMN NEAR IMPOSSIBLE - so is "changing your mindset", "thinking happy thoughts", "being mindful", "remembering how blessed you are" or being thankful for anything at any time.
This is the time to allow the person you love as much space as they need. Don't send any inspirational/motivational posts because reading them is like reading Egyptian hieroglyphs - it makes no sense and has NO EFFECT on the person suffering. It just makes them feel terribly sad that they can't connect to the 'happy puppy running in the sunlight' picture you just sent them. All they see is BLACK. That's it. Nothing else.
This is the time to just LOVE that person. Just that. Tell them as many times as you can "I love you". Remind them that you're there for them. Remind them WHY you love them "you are kind", "you have a good heart", "you're thoughtful" and remind them of times in the past when they've meant something to you. This is critical.
"When I was going through that thing with work and you got beside me and supported me, it meant a lot - thank you for doing that...I love you"
Send them messages like that ^^ as much as you can. Invite them out but don't be surprised if they decline.
MEET THEM WHERE THEY'RE AT - and if all they can do is sit on the floor and stare while tears roll down their face...then for the love of God - just sit beside them. Don't talk. Just be there.
Level 4 - Suicidal
This is where I am right now - where I have been for at least 5 weeks.
I'm so scared that I'm going to kill myself that everything is completely bloody terrifying for me. My heart is constantly racing - so is my head. I'm constantly seeing everything around me as potentially dangerous. My world is now reduced to being prisoner in my own head. I can't see anything around me - I'm too deep inside my dark mind.
I'm in a dark, deep pit of anxiety and depression AND I'M ALONE in this - and no - I can't "see the light at the end of the tunnel" so when you ask me to "keep moving forward/keep trying/don't give up" and I JUST CAN'T, then you add guilt and shame to my deep depression and IT DOES NOT HELP. IT MAKES THINGS WORSE.
In this stage, respond as you would in Level 3 - just love them. LOVE that person by telling them the things you love about them, by telling them they mean so much to you - THAT THEY MATTER. Don't try to argue with them when they say "I can't go on" - ("Yes you can!") - just accept their situation and just love them. My friend Roz sent me such a beautiful text the other day. I texted "Roz, I feel like I can't go on" or something like that and she sent back "I'm so sorry you're going through this...do you want me to come and see you? I'm in the area"
And it was absolutely spot on.
Roz didn't try to correct me or tell me what to do "You can do this, Janet - keep going" or "Don't be silly, you CAN go on - just calm down"
She said she was sorry and offered to be there if I needed her. Roz offered to come to me - in my home - where I'm comfortable - and just be with me.
I loved that she wanted to meet me where I was at and didn't expect me to come out/away from my comfort zone.
PERFECT.
My friend Christabel has also sent some really wonderful, spot-on, "just what I needed" texts lately - where she doesn't try to tell me to 'be positive' or gloss over my sadness by saying "it'll be okay" - she's let me be as sad and scared as I want to, and just reminds me that I'm loved and that I can call her any time if I need a friend.
I'm hoping I can 'level up' but for now, I'm just scared.
I'm scared of living and I'm scared of dying and if I can get up and get dressed tomorrow - that will be a success.
God alone knows how I'll get my ass into work.
If you haven't ever had depression or anxiety and you want to help someone dear to you who is suffering from it - then this post is written specifically for you.
Depression and Anxiety have different levels - and in my experience (it might be completely different for someone else), these are the best ways to deal with them; the best ways to support and get alongside the person who you love who's going through 'a valley' of sadness and/or depression.
Level 1 - Slightly unhappy.
At this level, a person has had a few sleepless nights, maybe a tough time at work/in their personal life of late and is starting to feel a little unhappy.
THIS is the level where these types of responses are appropriate:
"Think positive thoughts, you'll get through this"
"Maybe exercise more in the next few days and get those endorphins going"
"Don't let the others/the situation get you down - it'll be okay"
"Life is GREAT - don't let others take your joy away"
At this level, it's ok to send inspirational quotes and "you can do it" pictures/posts. All good.
Level 2 - Depressed and Anxious and have been for more than a few weeks
At this level, a person experiencing depression and anxiety over a long time (and believe me, when you have it - 1 day feels like a year so more than a few weeks of this and you start to think you're losing your mind)
This is the level where you need to be gentle above all else - because the person you love has been suffering over a long time. If the person you love who's going through depression/anxiety likes being around people - this is the time to book in afternoon tea, a car drive, a trip to the beach...whatever.
This is the time to encourage them to "take long walks", "do things that make you happy", "be around positive people"
Level 3 - Severely depressed
At this level, the person suffering is in a very bad way indeed. If they can get from horizontal to vertical before lunchtime - IT IS A WIN. That is ALL they can manage and even that might require a few hour's sleep.
THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TELL THEM TO BE POSITIVE because their world is a very dark place and 'being happy' is as foreign a concept as going to the moon. They can't relate - so don't force them to.
For the love of God, DON'T tell them to 'just be happy' and don't ask them to 'go for a walk' because like I said - being in their home and just getting from the bed to a different room in the house - is enough.
Anxiety makes the world an incredibly frightening place and depression makes it an incredibly soul-less, empty, grey place. Combined - this makes it near impossible to get dressed - let alone LEAVE THE HOUSE.
So exercise is out.
Going out - is too difficult
"Being positive" is DAMN NEAR IMPOSSIBLE - so is "changing your mindset", "thinking happy thoughts", "being mindful", "remembering how blessed you are" or being thankful for anything at any time.
This is the time to allow the person you love as much space as they need. Don't send any inspirational/motivational posts because reading them is like reading Egyptian hieroglyphs - it makes no sense and has NO EFFECT on the person suffering. It just makes them feel terribly sad that they can't connect to the 'happy puppy running in the sunlight' picture you just sent them. All they see is BLACK. That's it. Nothing else.
This is the time to just LOVE that person. Just that. Tell them as many times as you can "I love you". Remind them that you're there for them. Remind them WHY you love them "you are kind", "you have a good heart", "you're thoughtful" and remind them of times in the past when they've meant something to you. This is critical.
"When I was going through that thing with work and you got beside me and supported me, it meant a lot - thank you for doing that...I love you"
Send them messages like that ^^ as much as you can. Invite them out but don't be surprised if they decline.
MEET THEM WHERE THEY'RE AT - and if all they can do is sit on the floor and stare while tears roll down their face...then for the love of God - just sit beside them. Don't talk. Just be there.
Level 4 - Suicidal
This is where I am right now - where I have been for at least 5 weeks.
I'm so scared that I'm going to kill myself that everything is completely bloody terrifying for me. My heart is constantly racing - so is my head. I'm constantly seeing everything around me as potentially dangerous. My world is now reduced to being prisoner in my own head. I can't see anything around me - I'm too deep inside my dark mind.
I'm in a dark, deep pit of anxiety and depression AND I'M ALONE in this - and no - I can't "see the light at the end of the tunnel" so when you ask me to "keep moving forward/keep trying/don't give up" and I JUST CAN'T, then you add guilt and shame to my deep depression and IT DOES NOT HELP. IT MAKES THINGS WORSE.
In this stage, respond as you would in Level 3 - just love them. LOVE that person by telling them the things you love about them, by telling them they mean so much to you - THAT THEY MATTER. Don't try to argue with them when they say "I can't go on" - ("Yes you can!") - just accept their situation and just love them. My friend Roz sent me such a beautiful text the other day. I texted "Roz, I feel like I can't go on" or something like that and she sent back "I'm so sorry you're going through this...do you want me to come and see you? I'm in the area"
And it was absolutely spot on.
Roz didn't try to correct me or tell me what to do "You can do this, Janet - keep going" or "Don't be silly, you CAN go on - just calm down"
She said she was sorry and offered to be there if I needed her. Roz offered to come to me - in my home - where I'm comfortable - and just be with me.
I loved that she wanted to meet me where I was at and didn't expect me to come out/away from my comfort zone.
PERFECT.
My friend Christabel has also sent some really wonderful, spot-on, "just what I needed" texts lately - where she doesn't try to tell me to 'be positive' or gloss over my sadness by saying "it'll be okay" - she's let me be as sad and scared as I want to, and just reminds me that I'm loved and that I can call her any time if I need a friend.
I'm hoping I can 'level up' but for now, I'm just scared.
I'm scared of living and I'm scared of dying and if I can get up and get dressed tomorrow - that will be a success.
God alone knows how I'll get my ass into work.
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