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Everything...to nothing

I haven't written in the last few days.

I've opened my blog up and just stared at the blank page and blinking cursor...thinking

What now?

But nothing came. No words.

And for a writer - that is not a good thing.

Mom came with me to see my favourite Doctor, Doctor D. I think having a DOCTOR telling Mom that jumping up and down would NOT help made a big difference. I knew something significant was happening - but all I could do was stare at the wall ahead.

So Doctor D took all the extra time Mom needed and answered all her questions with the kindness and care I've come to know and love about her.

And she didn't charge me a cent.

She hasn't charged me in 7 years.

I have the best Doctor ever.

My phone beeps and pings all the time with messages from people I love.

Alun is doing his ultimate best to look after me, be there for me and be around me.

Mom is trying hard to understand and to support me through something she really doesn't understand (depression) - which she has never done before.

But I don't feel a thing.

I don't feel blessed.

I felt everything before - only a mere 7 days ago. It was so incredibly painful. It hurt to breathe, to live, to move on.

The Doctors and Psychiatrists changed my medications a week ago.

Just 7 days.

Now I feel nothing. Nothing at all.

I was so afraid before.

Now I'm just numb.

I don't think this is any better.

"How are you?" friends ask me - sometimes hourly, checking in to make sure I'm still here.

The answer? I don't know...because I've gone from feeling everything - to feeling nothing at all.

NOTHING.

I absolutely hate this.

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