I need to be in a wooden box for you to know how deeply I am hurting, don't I?
I need to be lowered into the ground for those I love to think "Shit - she was really suffering". She really WAS unwell.
Oh.
My life right now is like this - I work in metaphors a lot so I hope you'll work along with them too - and meet me where I'm at:
I'm crawling along the sharp edge of a knife on my hands and knees. That's my life. Every inch forward is soooooooo incredibly painful.
IT HURTS LIKE A COMPLETE BASTARD TO MOVE FORWARD.
You have no idea.
The minute consciousness hits me every morning - I'm BOMBARDED by STRONG URGES TO END MY LIFE.
My mind - my heart - my soul - are all incredibly skilled at recalling every FUCK UP I have ever done.
Every. single. one.
They play through my mind and run through my veins from the second I am awake to the second I am asleep. I think this is why deeply depressed people like to sleep so much - it's a much needed BREAK from the pain of being.
I remember my parents wanting to give me away.
Why, Mom and Dad? WHY? What was so wrong with me at 5 years old???
I remember being bullied for having black skin as a little girl "You're dirty" "You're not one of us" "Abo", "Nigger", "Filthy" "You're full of germs" "Yuck"
I remember every slant, slight and bad word said against me. Every single one - as if it only just happened to me.
I grieve all the losses and failures and deep disappointments of my entire life - over and over again in my mind's eye.
AND I CANNOT CHANGE THAT.
OH HOW I WISH I COULD.
You have no idea.
"Worthless"
"Not as good/talented/brilliant/smart/wonderful as Jay"
"Ugly"
"Stupid"
"We don't want Janet on our team - you have her"
"Can you stop talking to me - I don't want anyone to see you with me and lump me in with you"
"Disgusting"
"Loser"
"Idiot"
"stupid"
"too emotional"
"too sensitive"
"too much"
"OTT"
"Self obsessed"
"Not a good person"
...and hundreds more. Playing on repeat on my mind 24/7...slaughtering my heart, shredding my soul, devastating my life and making my grip on the 'here and now' so much harder because it's like holding a red hot poker straight from the fire - IT HURTS.
"Just keep going, Janet" good friends tell me
"Don't give up" they urge me
But it hurts so much, you guys. IT HURTS SO MUCH!!!
Then the other side of this pain? The ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING GRIEF of when you don't understand and you don't believe me.
"Surely it's not that bad"
"Cheer up, kiddo"
"Grow up"
"Get over yourself"
"Drama queen"
"Smell the flowers"
"Jump up and down a few times"
"Exercise more"
"Eat properly"
DO MORE
BE MORE
BE BETTER THAN YOU ARE BECAUSE RIGHT NOW YOU'RE NOT ENOUGH. NOT BY A LONG SHOT.
Be better, be faster, be stronger.
But I'm drowning, you guys.
I'm drowning in a sea of sorrow, pain, guilt, GRIEF, self-hatred, SHAME...a sea raging around me with 80 foot waves.
And I AM LOSING. I have more times with my head under water than I do of skimming the surface.
I THINK I HAVE TO DIE JUST SO YOU KNOW I WAS FUCKING SERIOUS when I said I was drowning.
"You look ok"
"You don't look sick"
"You still laugh/smile/operate"
"You went to work yesterday"
"You still go to the gym"
BUT INSIDE I'M DYING. I'm in SO MUCH PAIN ALL THE TIME.
I need help because left to my own devices, I give in to the pain. To the shame.
I'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
JAY REALLY IS BETTER THAN ME.
AND JAY IS AN ASSHOLE - so what on earth does that say about who I AM as a person?!?
I want to die. I want you to bury me.
But then - I want to be able to talk to you. To really talk to you - because then you'll understand how hard this is for me.
I want you to take me seriously - and I honestly think you'll only do that when I'm buried and you hear about my funeral.
"If only I'd known...I'd..."
You'd what?
Because whatever you "would have" done back then - YOU NEED TO DO RIGHT NOW.
Please.
I need it NOW - not when I'm being lowered into the ground.
Please.
I need to be lowered into the ground for those I love to think "Shit - she was really suffering". She really WAS unwell.
Oh.
My life right now is like this - I work in metaphors a lot so I hope you'll work along with them too - and meet me where I'm at:
I'm crawling along the sharp edge of a knife on my hands and knees. That's my life. Every inch forward is soooooooo incredibly painful.
IT HURTS LIKE A COMPLETE BASTARD TO MOVE FORWARD.
You have no idea.
The minute consciousness hits me every morning - I'm BOMBARDED by STRONG URGES TO END MY LIFE.
My mind - my heart - my soul - are all incredibly skilled at recalling every FUCK UP I have ever done.
Every. single. one.
They play through my mind and run through my veins from the second I am awake to the second I am asleep. I think this is why deeply depressed people like to sleep so much - it's a much needed BREAK from the pain of being.
I remember my parents wanting to give me away.
Why, Mom and Dad? WHY? What was so wrong with me at 5 years old???
I remember being bullied for having black skin as a little girl "You're dirty" "You're not one of us" "Abo", "Nigger", "Filthy" "You're full of germs" "Yuck"
I remember every slant, slight and bad word said against me. Every single one - as if it only just happened to me.
I grieve all the losses and failures and deep disappointments of my entire life - over and over again in my mind's eye.
AND I CANNOT CHANGE THAT.
OH HOW I WISH I COULD.
You have no idea.
"Worthless"
"Not as good/talented/brilliant/smart/wonderful as Jay"
"Ugly"
"Stupid"
"We don't want Janet on our team - you have her"
"Can you stop talking to me - I don't want anyone to see you with me and lump me in with you"
"Disgusting"
"Loser"
"Idiot"
"stupid"
"too emotional"
"too sensitive"
"too much"
"OTT"
"Self obsessed"
"Not a good person"
...and hundreds more. Playing on repeat on my mind 24/7...slaughtering my heart, shredding my soul, devastating my life and making my grip on the 'here and now' so much harder because it's like holding a red hot poker straight from the fire - IT HURTS.
"Just keep going, Janet" good friends tell me
"Don't give up" they urge me
But it hurts so much, you guys. IT HURTS SO MUCH!!!
Then the other side of this pain? The ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING GRIEF of when you don't understand and you don't believe me.
"Surely it's not that bad"
"Cheer up, kiddo"
"Grow up"
"Get over yourself"
"Drama queen"
"Smell the flowers"
"Jump up and down a few times"
"Exercise more"
"Eat properly"
DO MORE
BE MORE
BE BETTER THAN YOU ARE BECAUSE RIGHT NOW YOU'RE NOT ENOUGH. NOT BY A LONG SHOT.
Be better, be faster, be stronger.
But I'm drowning, you guys.
I'm drowning in a sea of sorrow, pain, guilt, GRIEF, self-hatred, SHAME...a sea raging around me with 80 foot waves.
And I AM LOSING. I have more times with my head under water than I do of skimming the surface.
I THINK I HAVE TO DIE JUST SO YOU KNOW I WAS FUCKING SERIOUS when I said I was drowning.
"You look ok"
"You don't look sick"
"You still laugh/smile/operate"
"You went to work yesterday"
"You still go to the gym"
BUT INSIDE I'M DYING. I'm in SO MUCH PAIN ALL THE TIME.
I need help because left to my own devices, I give in to the pain. To the shame.
I'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
JAY REALLY IS BETTER THAN ME.
AND JAY IS AN ASSHOLE - so what on earth does that say about who I AM as a person?!?
I want to die. I want you to bury me.
But then - I want to be able to talk to you. To really talk to you - because then you'll understand how hard this is for me.
I want you to take me seriously - and I honestly think you'll only do that when I'm buried and you hear about my funeral.
"If only I'd known...I'd..."
You'd what?
Because whatever you "would have" done back then - YOU NEED TO DO RIGHT NOW.
Please.
I need it NOW - not when I'm being lowered into the ground.
Please.
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