Okay.
I ranted and raved and DAMN it felt a little better to get things off my chest.
I'm still shaking because I'm so upset from my call with my Mom. I tried ringing a friend to get some help but he was much the same as my Mom "What she means is - it is important to go out and smell the roses, ok?"
So he doesn't get it either.
When I bring my broken heart to you and you disregard it with a casual "smell the roses" saying...it makes me break all the more.
It makes me retreat. Back RIGHT away and just want to kill myself.
I want to die JUST SO YOU KNOW I WAS FUCKING SERIOUS when I said I was unwell.
And that's the worst part of depression. No one takes you seriously until they're putting you into the ground.
WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY?!?
I've ranted, raved, shouted, screamed and cried so much. I'm still crying now as I write over the intense heartbreak of calling a friend who bless him - just didn't understand.
Oh my friend...how I wish you did.
K - if you have a friend who is depressed and suicidal and they call you - for the love of God - DON'T TRY TO ARGUE WITH THEM. DON'T BE RATIONAL, REASONABLE AND SENSIBLE. Don't point out the positives. Don't sing songs to their brokenness. Please don't.
Just be.
Just listen.
Just love.
THAT IS ALL.
Please, just do those 3 things.
If a friend calls and they say "I want to die" or "I can't go on" or "I'm really freaking desperate here"
DON'T TRY TO FIX THEM.
Because believe me - YOU CAN'T.
Just love them.
"But how?" you might ask.
All I can use is examples of friends who have responded in the perfect ways to my desperation:
My friend Roz who said "I'm so sorry you're going through this, Janet"
BECAUSE SHE DIDNT BELITTLE MY SUFFERING. SHE ACKNOWLEDGED IT WAS THERE.
Everything in the statement "I'm sorry you're going through this" is JUST RIGHT because:
It says "I see you're in pain, and I'm sorry about that"
It says "The terrible, heavy, dark, frightening depression you're in right now is NOT a figment of your imagination - it's real to you and because it's real to you - it's real to me, too - and I'm sorry my friend that you're hurting as you are"
AND THAT IS FABULOUS.
It says "I see you. I see your broken heart and I'm sorry, my dear friend"
AND THAT IS SPOT ON.
Whatever they're complaining about - DON'T "poo poo" it. Don't say "oh it's not that bad, is it?"
DON'T MENTION STARVING AFRICANS, CANCER PATIENTS, THE HOMELESS or any other life-wrenching disasters that are happening in the world and DON'T COMPARE pain with pain because all that does is make the person suffering feel REALLY GUILTY. REALLY STUPID. REALLY WORTHLESS.
DON'T PARROT INSPIRATIONAL bullshit to them. BECAUSE THAT JUST PISSES THEM OFF!!!
"It takes rain and sunshine to make a rainbow"
WHAT?!? So I'm here...literally weighing up my LIFE and whether or not I can go on living for EVEN ONE MORE SECOND and you're telling me - about rainbows?!?
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
"Take time to smell the flowers"
I CAN'T RAISE MY HEAD FROM MY HORIZONTAL POSITION IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. I can't breathe. I can't move. I am in so much incredible pain right now - and you want me to smell the flowers?
Are you serious?!?
You may as well suggest I fix the paving on the freeway with my bare hands - because there's as much chance of that 'fixing me' as there is smelling flowers.
Say:
"I'm so sorry"
"I care so much about you"
"I love you so much"
"Please don't hurt yourself my dear friend - because I wouldn't know what to do in a world without you in it"
"I'm so proud of you for not giving up"
"This is as painful as a bastard for you but look at you - still fighting. I love that about you"
"Yes, I can see how that would hurt you - that must really be painful"
"Yeah that WOULD suck. OMG. That's terrible. I'm so sorry"
"I see you, I hear you...I might not understand it...but I acknowledge it's so painful for you"
"I don't understand my friend...but I am here and I love you and I'm not going anywhere"
"I hear you"
Today for instance, I got a message from my beloved friend and adopted little brother, Marc - he called me "sis" in his message and just simply told me he loved me.
His message said a THOUSAND loving things to me.
His use of the word 'sis' meant the absolute WORLD to me. It means he sees me as family. It means in HIS eyes, I am worth being labeled a family member. WOW.
I have worth in this guy's eyes. THAT IS AWESOME!!!
He didn't say "go and jump up and down/smell flowers/think positive thoughts" he simply said "I love you...I hope you have a good day"
Which to me, says:
"I really care about you"
"You matter to me"
"I won't tell you how to live your life or how to go about your day - I'll just be happy if you have one - no matter what shape or form that comes in"
And that, my friends - is how you talk to someone you love who is suicidal.
Because then that person can lower the knife. They can tilt their hand so all the tablets fall away. They can put the thick Bunnings rope in the garden shed and NEVER look at it again. They can step away from the cliff's edge - because they have been reminded they matter.
The words "I'm sorry you're going through this" "I love you" "Please stay with me" "I hear you" "I see you" say to the person suffering that their life matters - to you - so it must be important.
And they can go on to fight another day.
I ranted and raved and DAMN it felt a little better to get things off my chest.
I'm still shaking because I'm so upset from my call with my Mom. I tried ringing a friend to get some help but he was much the same as my Mom "What she means is - it is important to go out and smell the roses, ok?"
So he doesn't get it either.
When I bring my broken heart to you and you disregard it with a casual "smell the roses" saying...it makes me break all the more.
It makes me retreat. Back RIGHT away and just want to kill myself.
I want to die JUST SO YOU KNOW I WAS FUCKING SERIOUS when I said I was unwell.
And that's the worst part of depression. No one takes you seriously until they're putting you into the ground.
WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY?!?
I've ranted, raved, shouted, screamed and cried so much. I'm still crying now as I write over the intense heartbreak of calling a friend who bless him - just didn't understand.
Oh my friend...how I wish you did.
K - if you have a friend who is depressed and suicidal and they call you - for the love of God - DON'T TRY TO ARGUE WITH THEM. DON'T BE RATIONAL, REASONABLE AND SENSIBLE. Don't point out the positives. Don't sing songs to their brokenness. Please don't.
Just be.
Just listen.
Just love.
THAT IS ALL.
Please, just do those 3 things.
If a friend calls and they say "I want to die" or "I can't go on" or "I'm really freaking desperate here"
DON'T TRY TO FIX THEM.
Because believe me - YOU CAN'T.
Just love them.
"But how?" you might ask.
All I can use is examples of friends who have responded in the perfect ways to my desperation:
My friend Roz who said "I'm so sorry you're going through this, Janet"
BECAUSE SHE DIDNT BELITTLE MY SUFFERING. SHE ACKNOWLEDGED IT WAS THERE.
Everything in the statement "I'm sorry you're going through this" is JUST RIGHT because:
It says "I see you're in pain, and I'm sorry about that"
It says "The terrible, heavy, dark, frightening depression you're in right now is NOT a figment of your imagination - it's real to you and because it's real to you - it's real to me, too - and I'm sorry my friend that you're hurting as you are"
AND THAT IS FABULOUS.
It says "I see you. I see your broken heart and I'm sorry, my dear friend"
AND THAT IS SPOT ON.
Whatever they're complaining about - DON'T "poo poo" it. Don't say "oh it's not that bad, is it?"
DON'T MENTION STARVING AFRICANS, CANCER PATIENTS, THE HOMELESS or any other life-wrenching disasters that are happening in the world and DON'T COMPARE pain with pain because all that does is make the person suffering feel REALLY GUILTY. REALLY STUPID. REALLY WORTHLESS.
DON'T PARROT INSPIRATIONAL bullshit to them. BECAUSE THAT JUST PISSES THEM OFF!!!
"It takes rain and sunshine to make a rainbow"
WHAT?!? So I'm here...literally weighing up my LIFE and whether or not I can go on living for EVEN ONE MORE SECOND and you're telling me - about rainbows?!?
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
"Take time to smell the flowers"
I CAN'T RAISE MY HEAD FROM MY HORIZONTAL POSITION IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. I can't breathe. I can't move. I am in so much incredible pain right now - and you want me to smell the flowers?
Are you serious?!?
You may as well suggest I fix the paving on the freeway with my bare hands - because there's as much chance of that 'fixing me' as there is smelling flowers.
Say:
"I'm so sorry"
"I care so much about you"
"I love you so much"
"Please don't hurt yourself my dear friend - because I wouldn't know what to do in a world without you in it"
"I'm so proud of you for not giving up"
"This is as painful as a bastard for you but look at you - still fighting. I love that about you"
"Yes, I can see how that would hurt you - that must really be painful"
"Yeah that WOULD suck. OMG. That's terrible. I'm so sorry"
"I see you, I hear you...I might not understand it...but I acknowledge it's so painful for you"
"I don't understand my friend...but I am here and I love you and I'm not going anywhere"
"I hear you"
Today for instance, I got a message from my beloved friend and adopted little brother, Marc - he called me "sis" in his message and just simply told me he loved me.
His message said a THOUSAND loving things to me.
His use of the word 'sis' meant the absolute WORLD to me. It means he sees me as family. It means in HIS eyes, I am worth being labeled a family member. WOW.
I have worth in this guy's eyes. THAT IS AWESOME!!!
He didn't say "go and jump up and down/smell flowers/think positive thoughts" he simply said "I love you...I hope you have a good day"
Which to me, says:
"I really care about you"
"You matter to me"
"I won't tell you how to live your life or how to go about your day - I'll just be happy if you have one - no matter what shape or form that comes in"
And that, my friends - is how you talk to someone you love who is suicidal.
Because then that person can lower the knife. They can tilt their hand so all the tablets fall away. They can put the thick Bunnings rope in the garden shed and NEVER look at it again. They can step away from the cliff's edge - because they have been reminded they matter.
The words "I'm sorry you're going through this" "I love you" "Please stay with me" "I hear you" "I see you" say to the person suffering that their life matters - to you - so it must be important.
And they can go on to fight another day.
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