There I was, outside an old, greasy fish-and-chip shop. One that looked like it had opened 100 years ago - and somehow stayed open. Old posters on the wall, faded and torn with time, still advertising 'coke' with girls in pin-striped full body 'bathers' from like, the 50's or something. Bless.
Google had directed me here because I'd asked for directions to my hair-extensions salon.
I'm not good at directions.
Turns out, neither is Google!!!
The last time I went to get my hair extensions moved up/refreshed/whatever - I ended up at the beach. It was a GLORIOUS day for it, but not where I was supposed to be.
This time, I ended up at a fish and chips store.
Google mate, you are a lying bastard.
I was meant to be sat in the salon chair with that awful black cape around me by 11:30am. It was 12:15pm (!!!) now and I was feeling incredibly anxious.
Right. Time for an Uber.
I pressed in my location, where I wanted to go and saw a little cartoon car pop up on the map "10 minutes away" it said on my phone screen.
Ok.
Deep breaths.
I texted my hairdresser "Sorry Jasmine - I'm lost again! I'm on my way though and should be there in 10-15 minutes"
Instant 'ping' on my phone "Haha you dag. Okay see you soon - I'll fit in someone before you while I'm waiting"
Ok.
As I'm putting my phone back into my handbag and grimacing at how oily the air around me is, I spot him.
An old man. At a guess - well into his 80's. He has raggedy old clothes on, black torn pants, white hair and a white beard. He is leaning heavily on a cane.
He's across the road from me - which is a main road so he's FOUR LANES OF TRAFFIC AWAY from me.
That DOES NOT stop him waving his cane at me.
"Hey. Girl!"
yes. He means me.
I know this, because I checked by looking around and finding how entirely DESERTED the place I was in was. Just me on this random old street corner.
Just. Me.
Oh shoot.
No one else around.
I can hear fish frying in the store behind me and look back carefully to make sure the owner is in. He sees me looking and happily waves a spatula at me.
Ok.
By the time I turn back around - the old man is almost in my face.
"Hello" he shouts
How did he cross 4 lanes of traffic so fast???
I take a step back. He's too close.
"Hi" I offer, taking out my phone. I don't know - I feel safer with it in my hand. I flip the cover open and check on the cartoon car heading towards me "6 minutes" it says.
Ok.
"He sent me back you know" the old man leans in so he's closer. I'm against the wall now and can't get any further back. I regard his one fully closed eye and one wide, blue, beady eye - glaring at me.
"Excuse me?" I ask, not really wanting to know but being polite for so much of my life that I can't seem to break the habit.
"He said it wasn't my time. I died and went to heaven but I wasn't allowed to stay. He sent me back" the old man repeats, and pokes his cane at me.
"He?" I ask
"Yes" He answers - and beams a toothy grin at me "God"
Oh Lord.
"Uhh...okay" I say. I think when talking to nutters, it's best to just agree.
"Don't you want to know why?" he asks, excited already about his answer.
No thanks.
"Sure" I say out loud
"Because it wasn't my time! I have things to do here!" he says
I nod. I don't know what else to say to that, really.
He pokes me gently with his cane again.
"AND SO DO YOU" he says. His good eye twinkles.
Wait. What?
"You want to end your life, but it's not your time, either" he says.
Am I hearing this right?
"Eh?" I feign confusion.
I can't believe he's spot on. He smells of cigarettes and beer. Surely Angels don't smoke and drink???
"You want to leave here but it's not yet your time. You have so much good to do. You have to stay" He repeats, beaming away at me.
I bite my lip.
"Is that so?" I ask, buying myself time for the Uber to come rescue me, but curious now.
"I had a good chat to Saul back in the day" he continues "that was his name before God changed it to Paul"
Ok. Definite weirdo.
"And he didn't want to stick around either - but look at all the good he did!"
I glance at my phone and can see the cartoon Uber car is almost at the flashing blue dot on the map that represents me.
"Well. I've said what I wanted to" the old man winks "Off to get some cigarettes" he chuckles to himself.
I can't help it, I say "You shouldn't smoke, mate. It's bad for you"
He laughs and laughs "I'm old. I'll do whatever the hell I want"
And with that, he turns around and walks away - just as the Uber pulls up.
Hmm.
Google had directed me here because I'd asked for directions to my hair-extensions salon.
I'm not good at directions.
Turns out, neither is Google!!!
The last time I went to get my hair extensions moved up/refreshed/whatever - I ended up at the beach. It was a GLORIOUS day for it, but not where I was supposed to be.
This time, I ended up at a fish and chips store.
Google mate, you are a lying bastard.
I was meant to be sat in the salon chair with that awful black cape around me by 11:30am. It was 12:15pm (!!!) now and I was feeling incredibly anxious.
Right. Time for an Uber.
I pressed in my location, where I wanted to go and saw a little cartoon car pop up on the map "10 minutes away" it said on my phone screen.
Ok.
Deep breaths.
I texted my hairdresser "Sorry Jasmine - I'm lost again! I'm on my way though and should be there in 10-15 minutes"
Instant 'ping' on my phone "Haha you dag. Okay see you soon - I'll fit in someone before you while I'm waiting"
Ok.
As I'm putting my phone back into my handbag and grimacing at how oily the air around me is, I spot him.
An old man. At a guess - well into his 80's. He has raggedy old clothes on, black torn pants, white hair and a white beard. He is leaning heavily on a cane.
He's across the road from me - which is a main road so he's FOUR LANES OF TRAFFIC AWAY from me.
That DOES NOT stop him waving his cane at me.
"Hey. Girl!"
yes. He means me.
I know this, because I checked by looking around and finding how entirely DESERTED the place I was in was. Just me on this random old street corner.
Just. Me.
Oh shoot.
No one else around.
I can hear fish frying in the store behind me and look back carefully to make sure the owner is in. He sees me looking and happily waves a spatula at me.
Ok.
By the time I turn back around - the old man is almost in my face.
"Hello" he shouts
How did he cross 4 lanes of traffic so fast???
I take a step back. He's too close.
"Hi" I offer, taking out my phone. I don't know - I feel safer with it in my hand. I flip the cover open and check on the cartoon car heading towards me "6 minutes" it says.
Ok.
"He sent me back you know" the old man leans in so he's closer. I'm against the wall now and can't get any further back. I regard his one fully closed eye and one wide, blue, beady eye - glaring at me.
"Excuse me?" I ask, not really wanting to know but being polite for so much of my life that I can't seem to break the habit.
"He said it wasn't my time. I died and went to heaven but I wasn't allowed to stay. He sent me back" the old man repeats, and pokes his cane at me.
"He?" I ask
"Yes" He answers - and beams a toothy grin at me "God"
Oh Lord.
"Uhh...okay" I say. I think when talking to nutters, it's best to just agree.
"Don't you want to know why?" he asks, excited already about his answer.
No thanks.
"Sure" I say out loud
"Because it wasn't my time! I have things to do here!" he says
I nod. I don't know what else to say to that, really.
He pokes me gently with his cane again.
"AND SO DO YOU" he says. His good eye twinkles.
Wait. What?
"You want to end your life, but it's not your time, either" he says.
Am I hearing this right?
"Eh?" I feign confusion.
I can't believe he's spot on. He smells of cigarettes and beer. Surely Angels don't smoke and drink???
"You want to leave here but it's not yet your time. You have so much good to do. You have to stay" He repeats, beaming away at me.
I bite my lip.
"Is that so?" I ask, buying myself time for the Uber to come rescue me, but curious now.
"I had a good chat to Saul back in the day" he continues "that was his name before God changed it to Paul"
Ok. Definite weirdo.
"And he didn't want to stick around either - but look at all the good he did!"
I glance at my phone and can see the cartoon Uber car is almost at the flashing blue dot on the map that represents me.
"Well. I've said what I wanted to" the old man winks "Off to get some cigarettes" he chuckles to himself.
I can't help it, I say "You shouldn't smoke, mate. It's bad for you"
He laughs and laughs "I'm old. I'll do whatever the hell I want"
And with that, he turns around and walks away - just as the Uber pulls up.
Hmm.
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