So.
Since Tuesday, I've been home. When Alun and I left Dr D's on Tuesday morning, she signed me a Medical Certificate for the next 2 weeks.
I'm stressing about every second I'm not at work. Because they're not going to 'wait' for me to get better. They're not going to hold my job until I get back. They're going to dispose of me and get someone else in that can 'hack the pressure' and be there full time without taking days off.
So again, I don't sleep well. I slept in little snatches and woke up panicked and sore from tensing my muscles when I'm sleeping.
Am I sleeping, though? Or just laying there with my eyes closed and waiting for my heart to stop?
I stood outside in the traffic at 1am this morning.
I stood in the middle of the road in my pjs and socks - no jumper - in the rain - and waited for a car to hit me.
Just hit me. Just kill me. I can't go on.
Every car slowed right down as it got close.
I expected the driver to hurl abuse "wtf do you think you're doing?!? You could've caused an accident!!!" and so on...but no - out of the 15 cars I passed...they all slowed right down, gave me a wide birth and slowly went by - silently. No words. No abuse...It was almost...respectful. Almost...gentle. Carefully going by so as specifically not to hurt me.
Or I am losing my damn mind.
I was so cold - stood outside and soaked to the bone in the middle of Perth winter - 8 degrees.
A small voice in my head "You have to keep trying"
fuck that. This is too hard.
Again "You have to keep trying"
I stood for another 10 minutes out of spite to the voice in my head urging me to go back inside and go to bed.
"You have to keep trying"
For 10 minutes - not ONE car came. I live on the MAIN ROAD into the CITY. There is never even ONE minute without a car - not even at 2am...the traffic never stops, it's like a hungry beast. But at 1am this morning - everything became still.
So still that the voice in my head got louder:
You have to keep trying
Trying WHAT, though?!? I'm trying everything I can!
Angry, frustrated tears flowed down my face.
YOU HAVE TO KEEP TRYING.
So, for you - Alun. I walked back to the driveway. For you, Claudie - I walked further - to the front porch. For you, Marc - who I promised to be there for when you woke up - I pushed my keys into the front door and turned them.
For you all who I love so much, I went back inside. I put on dry pjs. I cried the whole time. I put on dry socks. I sat on the ground in the dark in the front room and I cried and cried and cried.
This. Is. So. Hard.
My heart was banging around painfully in my chest.
Alun staggered out.
"Hey" he sat next to me on the ground.
That one action meant so much to me - he was meeting me where I was at.
"I love you" he said, croaky from being half-asleep. His hair stuck up at an angle. I love when it does that.
"You don't" I said, holding onto the hurt of when he'd turned his back on me.
"I do" He insisted
"You turned your back on me" I whispered
"I know...and I'm sorry" Alun said - I saw a tear slip down his face "This is hard for me too, you know"
My heart broke. I forget how hard this must be on him.
But I was stubborn and angry so I lashed out to hurt him "Just leave me alone" I said.
Alun nodded to himself, got up and went to our bedroom, slamming the door behind him.
He slammed it so hard, I felt the floorboards shake with it.
Instant RAGE.
How dare you?!?
Right. I'll show you!!!
I will go BACK out into the traffic and HURL myself at a car. I won't wait for them to slow down and go around me.
My emotions are so high and ride so strongly within me - especially with my upcoming lady pains (where are you, lady pains?!? Why aren't you here? I'm already so scared of what I'll do - why don't you just turn up so I can get over you?!? So we all can?!?) that logic and reason have no space in my mind. It's overflowing with dark thoughts.
You have to keep trying.
FUCK YOU!!!
You have to keep trying.
NO.
Alun loves you and you can't hold this against him.
PFFT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
He loves you. Don't hold this against him.
I sat on the hard, cold floor for what seemed like hours.
I am a bitter, vengeful, horrible person sometimes. I'm ashamed of that.
Alun loves you.
This time, I sighed. I nodded. I listened to the voice of God.
Alun loves you.
Oh it hurt to hear it when I felt so angry and so lost.
Go to bed, put your arms around your hurting husband.
Wait. What?!? Why do I have to do the work?!?
Comfort your husband.
NO. I'm the one hurting here.
Comfort your husband.
My stubborn pride wouldn't allow it. Alun can come to me.
He tried.
OMG. STOP CORRECTING ME, GOD!!! DON'T YOU KNOW I'M HURTING HERE?!?
Alun's hurting too.
I DON'T CARE.
You do, though. Go to bed. Comfort your husband.
I bit my lip and selfish, angry tears coursed down my face.
It cost me my pride - a huge, bitter pill to swallow to get up.
It cost me everything I had left - which isn't much right now - to walk to our bedroom door, turn the handle and let myself in.
It cost me everything I had.
Alun was completely under the blankets - pulled up over his face. He only does that when he's really upset.
My heart broke for him. It melted over my husband. I can't begin to imagine how hard this has all been for him.
Only tufts of his dark hair stuck out from the blankets.
My Alun. I love you so much.
I bit my lip. the 3 steps from the door to the bed felt like a mile to me. To my bitterness, my hate, my pride - all the parts of me that are indeed ugly.
Once I got to the bed, I slowly lifted the blankets.
Alun moved over to make room for me.
Oh Alun.
He stretched out his arm - the one he always puts out so I can cuddle in close.
I have been nothing but horrible to you tonight and your first reaction is to hold me close.
I don't deserve you, Alun. I know it. I think we all know it.
I snuggled in close and felt warm and safe for the first time all night.
I actually slept a few hours.
I feel a lot better for it.
Since Tuesday, I've been home. When Alun and I left Dr D's on Tuesday morning, she signed me a Medical Certificate for the next 2 weeks.
I'm stressing about every second I'm not at work. Because they're not going to 'wait' for me to get better. They're not going to hold my job until I get back. They're going to dispose of me and get someone else in that can 'hack the pressure' and be there full time without taking days off.
So again, I don't sleep well. I slept in little snatches and woke up panicked and sore from tensing my muscles when I'm sleeping.
Am I sleeping, though? Or just laying there with my eyes closed and waiting for my heart to stop?
I stood outside in the traffic at 1am this morning.
I stood in the middle of the road in my pjs and socks - no jumper - in the rain - and waited for a car to hit me.
Just hit me. Just kill me. I can't go on.
Every car slowed right down as it got close.
I expected the driver to hurl abuse "wtf do you think you're doing?!? You could've caused an accident!!!" and so on...but no - out of the 15 cars I passed...they all slowed right down, gave me a wide birth and slowly went by - silently. No words. No abuse...It was almost...respectful. Almost...gentle. Carefully going by so as specifically not to hurt me.
Or I am losing my damn mind.
I was so cold - stood outside and soaked to the bone in the middle of Perth winter - 8 degrees.
A small voice in my head "You have to keep trying"
fuck that. This is too hard.
Again "You have to keep trying"
I stood for another 10 minutes out of spite to the voice in my head urging me to go back inside and go to bed.
"You have to keep trying"
For 10 minutes - not ONE car came. I live on the MAIN ROAD into the CITY. There is never even ONE minute without a car - not even at 2am...the traffic never stops, it's like a hungry beast. But at 1am this morning - everything became still.
So still that the voice in my head got louder:
You have to keep trying
Trying WHAT, though?!? I'm trying everything I can!
Angry, frustrated tears flowed down my face.
YOU HAVE TO KEEP TRYING.
So, for you - Alun. I walked back to the driveway. For you, Claudie - I walked further - to the front porch. For you, Marc - who I promised to be there for when you woke up - I pushed my keys into the front door and turned them.
For you all who I love so much, I went back inside. I put on dry pjs. I cried the whole time. I put on dry socks. I sat on the ground in the dark in the front room and I cried and cried and cried.
This. Is. So. Hard.
My heart was banging around painfully in my chest.
Alun staggered out.
"Hey" he sat next to me on the ground.
That one action meant so much to me - he was meeting me where I was at.
"I love you" he said, croaky from being half-asleep. His hair stuck up at an angle. I love when it does that.
"You don't" I said, holding onto the hurt of when he'd turned his back on me.
"I do" He insisted
"You turned your back on me" I whispered
"I know...and I'm sorry" Alun said - I saw a tear slip down his face "This is hard for me too, you know"
My heart broke. I forget how hard this must be on him.
But I was stubborn and angry so I lashed out to hurt him "Just leave me alone" I said.
Alun nodded to himself, got up and went to our bedroom, slamming the door behind him.
He slammed it so hard, I felt the floorboards shake with it.
Instant RAGE.
How dare you?!?
Right. I'll show you!!!
I will go BACK out into the traffic and HURL myself at a car. I won't wait for them to slow down and go around me.
My emotions are so high and ride so strongly within me - especially with my upcoming lady pains (where are you, lady pains?!? Why aren't you here? I'm already so scared of what I'll do - why don't you just turn up so I can get over you?!? So we all can?!?) that logic and reason have no space in my mind. It's overflowing with dark thoughts.
You have to keep trying.
FUCK YOU!!!
You have to keep trying.
NO.
Alun loves you and you can't hold this against him.
PFFT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
He loves you. Don't hold this against him.
I sat on the hard, cold floor for what seemed like hours.
I am a bitter, vengeful, horrible person sometimes. I'm ashamed of that.
Alun loves you.
This time, I sighed. I nodded. I listened to the voice of God.
Alun loves you.
Oh it hurt to hear it when I felt so angry and so lost.
Go to bed, put your arms around your hurting husband.
Wait. What?!? Why do I have to do the work?!?
Comfort your husband.
NO. I'm the one hurting here.
Comfort your husband.
My stubborn pride wouldn't allow it. Alun can come to me.
He tried.
OMG. STOP CORRECTING ME, GOD!!! DON'T YOU KNOW I'M HURTING HERE?!?
Alun's hurting too.
I DON'T CARE.
You do, though. Go to bed. Comfort your husband.
I bit my lip and selfish, angry tears coursed down my face.
It cost me my pride - a huge, bitter pill to swallow to get up.
It cost me everything I had left - which isn't much right now - to walk to our bedroom door, turn the handle and let myself in.
It cost me everything I had.
Alun was completely under the blankets - pulled up over his face. He only does that when he's really upset.
My heart broke for him. It melted over my husband. I can't begin to imagine how hard this has all been for him.
Only tufts of his dark hair stuck out from the blankets.
My Alun. I love you so much.
I bit my lip. the 3 steps from the door to the bed felt like a mile to me. To my bitterness, my hate, my pride - all the parts of me that are indeed ugly.
Once I got to the bed, I slowly lifted the blankets.
Alun moved over to make room for me.
Oh Alun.
He stretched out his arm - the one he always puts out so I can cuddle in close.
I have been nothing but horrible to you tonight and your first reaction is to hold me close.
I don't deserve you, Alun. I know it. I think we all know it.
I snuggled in close and felt warm and safe for the first time all night.
I actually slept a few hours.
I feel a lot better for it.
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