Where I should be

I'll carry on with my blogging about Sunday but I wanted to write about the cup of tea on its own. Somehow it's really special to me.

I went to the service and it struck me that singing is my heart. It really is. Because even when I'm at the bottom of a dark, deep pit - as I am and have been for months, I still really love to sing.

It was hard on Sunday. Harder than it's been in years - to sing to God.

But I did it and as I did, tears coursed down my face and my heart broke again and again at how hard all of this is.

And this is so incredibly hard.

And it hurts so much. You have no idea. I could never explain.

But I sang.

And it was a healing process. A little bit of me...felt comforted by it.

Pastor Geoff/Jeff (?) must have been especially anointed that morning because he made a big point of praying "for anyone who needs it - anyone discouraged/feeling overwhelmed - just put your hand in the air and we'll come around you and pray for you"

It was all I could do not to run to the very front of Church, I so desperately wanted to be prayed for.

My hand shot up in the air and by now I was crying so hard I couldn't see and it was hard to breathe.

Instantly, I felt movement all around me.

Hands - so many hands were placed gently on me.

Voices melded together in prayer - some fervent, some gentle, some in tongues that I didn't understand...but it was all really beautiful.

I could feel my broken heart take a breath.

Thank you, God.

I got a few seconds of respite from the hell of depression and it was so wonderful.

The message that morning seemed just for me, too - that God gives us each "fruit" to bear. Pastor Jeff said that God won't point to a banana tree and say "why are you not like the mandarine?". God won't go over to the fig tree, pick a juicy, ripe fig (no idea what they taste like? I've never had a fig? I assume they taste of sultanas for some reason) and say to it; "is this the best you've got?" and be disappointed with it.

When he said that - oh my heart ached with understanding.

I feel like I'm honestly doing the BEST I can and yet so many around me are asking me to "do better" - "be stronger", "Think positive" "Try harder" "Do more" "Be more"

But with God - it's okay if I just am.

And that really touched my heart.

If I produce bent bananas - God doesn't mind.

And I feel like that right now - that everything in my life is bent and odd and not quite right.

I'm not quite right.

But that moment in Church on Sunday morning - it was okay to be bent.

Then after Church, I felt overwhelmed again by fear. Fear and depression go hand in hand and I'm constantly afraid now. What would it be like outside? Would it be raining? What was the traffic going to be like? How loud was it going to be?

Pastor Jeff asked 2 couples to stay after the service to pray for people and I knew I needed it so I stayed behind, tears pouring down my face because it hurt so much to feel this bad on the inside and it cost me so much to ask for help.

I felt a gentle hand on my arm.

I looked up and through my tears, there was a girl.

A beautiful girl.

Tall and thin with brown hair framing her gorgeous face.

"Hey" she smiled and gently squeezed my arm "I prayed for you just before and I have a message for you from God"

Oh.

My heart braced itself. Messages from people I love lately are all about 'tough love', 'growing up', 'toughening up' 'just get over it' 'get over yourself' 'stop being stupid/selfish/dramatic'.

What was God going to say? "Grow up"?

Walls went up. I need to protect myself. I need to shield my face before someone punches me straight in the mouth.

Then she spoke again - in a strong American accent.

"God wants you to know that his love for you is gentle. He doesn't want you to be tougher, stronger or better - he just wants to hold you in his arms and speak gently to you"

Oh Wow.

Hearing that God wanted to be GENTLE broke my heart anew.

I really, really needed to know that.

I couldn't stop crying.

Was I ever going to stop crying?

"God knows you're broken and wants rest, peace and love for you - and above all, gentleness" the girl said again.

She opened her arms to me and I fell into her embrace as if we'd known each other all our lives instead of just a few moments.

She kept praying over me, claiming God's peace in my mind and heart.

And you know what? It was just what I needed.

I was in the right place at the right time and even though I was broken and battered - and still am - I was so glad I went to Church on Sunday.