I bought a set of new PJs today. Dark blue pants with a sort of "Indian" (and I don't mean that in a racist way - I really love the look of it and that's why I bought them) pattern of loops and flowers all threaded together by pink, purple and navy blue. They were on special for only $14.
Winning.
I got home after being DRENCHED outside - the rain is coming down in such thick sheets of fat raindrops that it's hard to see even a few inches in front. I fell over crossing the road and pretty much face-planted in the Galleria car park.
It could've been so much, worse though...I only fell onto my knees and dropped my groceries...but nothing broke loose of my shopping bags and a few grazes on my knees is a lot better than having smashed my face in or something.
So anyway, I got home, unpacked the shopping, showered and put my pjs on. Size small, everyone. SIZE "SMALL". Yes.
Okay, they're a slight bit too tight but because of the sale - it was either small or XXL...and I could have fit 2 of me into one leg of those...so small it is. One day these will fit right :) that's the goal, anyway.
So there I was - smelling like vanilla and black currant (my new 'lush' bath gel called "comforter" - omg it smells SOOOO good!), putting my feet up, opening a new packet of 'sweet and salty' popcorn and about to press play on a movie I recorded off Foxtel...when my phone rang.
I saw "Mom" lit up on the phone screen.
Oh Lord.
This could go either way.
And in an instant - my anxiety went up from almost zero - to about 30.
With shaking fingers, I slid the arrows across the phone, cleared my throat and answered.
"Hi Mom"
"Hello Janny!" Mom's warm voice was so happy "How are you? Are you all better now? Back to 100%?"
Now this is what I want to do with what I'm about to blog - I want to break it down for you so you know where I'm at.
I AM DEEPLY, SEVERLY DEPRESSED.
THIS DOES NOT GET 'FIXED' IN A MATTER OF A FEW DAYS. Or weeks. Sometimes depression this bad can continue for years - or end abruptly when the person suffering has just had enough and taps out.
I'm so angry and so frustrated while I'm typing this out to you that I'm crying and I feel 100 times worse than I did before I answered my Mom's call.
I had two very clear choices at this point in the phone call.
LOSE MY SHIT (my honest reaction - because FOR FUCK'S SAKE MOM - HOW AM I MEANT TO BE BETTER WHEN I TRIED TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE ONLY TWO WEEKS AGO!?!)
or...just go along with it. For her.
So I took a very, very deep breath.
"Yup - all okay here" I squeaked out. My throat constricts when I lie and it's like my body betrays me because it knows I like to be honest at all times.
"I knew it!" Mom beamed down the phone "I was watching Oprah (God help me) the other day and she said the cure for all depression and anxiety is to just captain your own ship - be the commander of your thoughts"
Really, Mom?!? REALLY?!?
THIS IS THE SHIT YOU'RE GOING TO LAY ON ME RIGHT NOW?!?
I clenched and unclenched my fists and focused my entire being on my breathing.
Just breathe, JD. Just breathe.
"So really, if you ever feel depressed again" Mom continued - stabbing me again and again in my heart with every word she spoke "All you need to do is change your thoughts"
"Is that so?" I gurgled out. My throat was having none of this bullshit and I was falling apart at the seams as I struggled to hold the phone to my ear and not lose my entire mind.
"Yep!" Mom laughed, triumphant "I was depressed yesterday after a long day of work so I remembered what Oprah said..."
Did you? Well that was lucky for you, wasn't it?
"And I went outside and looked at my flowers - and because I changed my mindset - I was instantly happy again"
Oh great. That's wonderful, Mom.
BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T DEPRESSED TO BEGIN WITH. YOU WERE JUST TIRED AFTER A LONG DAY.
FOR FUCKS SAKE.
As someone who suffers with depression, it makes me INCREDIBLY ANGRY when people who have never had it - fling the word about casually in place of "just tired" "weary" "a little unhappy". A bad day - a once-off unpleasant thing that has happened to you IS NOT DEPRESSION. Granted, it is unpleasant and can indeed make you feel unhappy - but THE MOMENT PASSES.
Not so with depression. IT DOES NOT GO AWAY.
This is why I want to kill myself - because having this intense pain and these intense emotions ALL THE TIME is not a good way to try to live life.
SO DON'T SAY YOU'RE DEPRESSED IF YOU ARE JUST FLEETINGLY UNHAPPY because it makes a complete mockery of all the pain I'm in.
I've talked to a few friends in the last week and they've all said the same things:
"What is it that set you off? Maybe all you need to do is change your attitude to whatever hurt you?"
"If you change your job, you'll be fixed and back to being as happy as Larry"
"If you think positively and try some meditation - you'll see such a dramatic change in your life"
I need you to know this - and let me be VERY clear on this:
I CANNOT CHANGE MY THOUGHTS. I CANNOT CHANGE MY EMOTIONS. THIS IS ENTIRELY OUT OF MY CONTROL BECAUSE IF I COULD CHOOSE BETTER FOR MYSELF - SURELY I WOULD DO IT.
This deep, dark, ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING DEPRESSION I am in is a very real, PHYSICAL, BIOLOGICAL ILLNESS - combined with VERY EMOTIONAL, VERY UNSTABLE events - that mean that NOTHING I do or say or think makes ANY FUCKING DIFFERENCE to how I'm feeling.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!?
I'm not unhappy. I'm not 'tired'. I'm not 'being dramatic'. I'm not 'wallowing'. I'm not seeking attention.
I'm actually really, REALLY unwell.
I can change my depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts as easily as a blind person can just "choose" to see.
Do you get that?!?
HOW FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE THAT IS?!?
Imagine saying to a Cancer patient "just go and look at flowers - you'll be healed in no time"
JUST GO AND FUCKING JUMP UP AND DOWN A FEW TIMES and the cancer will just FUCKING LEAVE your fucking cells!!!
(Lord Jesus, God, Holy Spirit - fellow Christians, I'm sorry for all this swearing but I honestly don't know how else to say how truly desperate I am feeling right now. Please bear with me)
Imagine saying to someone who has lost their home in a Tornado "just BELIEVE in your house and it will come back"
DO FUCKING WHAT?!?
Because that's how it feels to be depressed and suicidal and have people TELL YOU THAT YOU CAN JUST CHANGE IT.
Why don't I suggest to a person who has just lost their leg to a work accident that they just "eat a load of bananas" to fix it - because that's how helpful suggestions are to "think positively" when a person is depressed.
I AM SO FUCKING LOST RIGHT NOW. I AM SO DESPERATE. SO FRIGHTENED. SO PANICKED AND IN SO MUCH FUCKING PAIN EVERY SECOND OF EVERY FUCKING DAY.
AND YOU THINK I CHOSE THIS FOR MYSELF, DO YOU?!?
Do you, Mom?
Do you, friends who recommend "more exercise" or "better sleeping patterns", "take time to breathe more" "count your blessings"
I CAN'T SEE!!! I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE!!! I AM DROWNING in a sea that I DON'T UNDERSTAND while you are all in a boat shouting 'encouragement' at me.
I FUCKING HATE THIS.
AND I HATE THAT YOU THINK I CAN just "Choose" NOT TO EXPERIENCE THIS.
Winning.
I got home after being DRENCHED outside - the rain is coming down in such thick sheets of fat raindrops that it's hard to see even a few inches in front. I fell over crossing the road and pretty much face-planted in the Galleria car park.
It could've been so much, worse though...I only fell onto my knees and dropped my groceries...but nothing broke loose of my shopping bags and a few grazes on my knees is a lot better than having smashed my face in or something.
So anyway, I got home, unpacked the shopping, showered and put my pjs on. Size small, everyone. SIZE "SMALL". Yes.
Okay, they're a slight bit too tight but because of the sale - it was either small or XXL...and I could have fit 2 of me into one leg of those...so small it is. One day these will fit right :) that's the goal, anyway.
So there I was - smelling like vanilla and black currant (my new 'lush' bath gel called "comforter" - omg it smells SOOOO good!), putting my feet up, opening a new packet of 'sweet and salty' popcorn and about to press play on a movie I recorded off Foxtel...when my phone rang.
I saw "Mom" lit up on the phone screen.
Oh Lord.
This could go either way.
And in an instant - my anxiety went up from almost zero - to about 30.
With shaking fingers, I slid the arrows across the phone, cleared my throat and answered.
"Hi Mom"
"Hello Janny!" Mom's warm voice was so happy "How are you? Are you all better now? Back to 100%?"
Now this is what I want to do with what I'm about to blog - I want to break it down for you so you know where I'm at.
I AM DEEPLY, SEVERLY DEPRESSED.
THIS DOES NOT GET 'FIXED' IN A MATTER OF A FEW DAYS. Or weeks. Sometimes depression this bad can continue for years - or end abruptly when the person suffering has just had enough and taps out.
I'm so angry and so frustrated while I'm typing this out to you that I'm crying and I feel 100 times worse than I did before I answered my Mom's call.
I had two very clear choices at this point in the phone call.
LOSE MY SHIT (my honest reaction - because FOR FUCK'S SAKE MOM - HOW AM I MEANT TO BE BETTER WHEN I TRIED TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE ONLY TWO WEEKS AGO!?!)
or...just go along with it. For her.
So I took a very, very deep breath.
"Yup - all okay here" I squeaked out. My throat constricts when I lie and it's like my body betrays me because it knows I like to be honest at all times.
"I knew it!" Mom beamed down the phone "I was watching Oprah (God help me) the other day and she said the cure for all depression and anxiety is to just captain your own ship - be the commander of your thoughts"
Really, Mom?!? REALLY?!?
THIS IS THE SHIT YOU'RE GOING TO LAY ON ME RIGHT NOW?!?
I clenched and unclenched my fists and focused my entire being on my breathing.
Just breathe, JD. Just breathe.
"So really, if you ever feel depressed again" Mom continued - stabbing me again and again in my heart with every word she spoke "All you need to do is change your thoughts"
"Is that so?" I gurgled out. My throat was having none of this bullshit and I was falling apart at the seams as I struggled to hold the phone to my ear and not lose my entire mind.
"Yep!" Mom laughed, triumphant "I was depressed yesterday after a long day of work so I remembered what Oprah said..."
Did you? Well that was lucky for you, wasn't it?
"And I went outside and looked at my flowers - and because I changed my mindset - I was instantly happy again"
Oh great. That's wonderful, Mom.
BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T DEPRESSED TO BEGIN WITH. YOU WERE JUST TIRED AFTER A LONG DAY.
FOR FUCKS SAKE.
As someone who suffers with depression, it makes me INCREDIBLY ANGRY when people who have never had it - fling the word about casually in place of "just tired" "weary" "a little unhappy". A bad day - a once-off unpleasant thing that has happened to you IS NOT DEPRESSION. Granted, it is unpleasant and can indeed make you feel unhappy - but THE MOMENT PASSES.
Not so with depression. IT DOES NOT GO AWAY.
This is why I want to kill myself - because having this intense pain and these intense emotions ALL THE TIME is not a good way to try to live life.
SO DON'T SAY YOU'RE DEPRESSED IF YOU ARE JUST FLEETINGLY UNHAPPY because it makes a complete mockery of all the pain I'm in.
I've talked to a few friends in the last week and they've all said the same things:
"What is it that set you off? Maybe all you need to do is change your attitude to whatever hurt you?"
"If you change your job, you'll be fixed and back to being as happy as Larry"
"If you think positively and try some meditation - you'll see such a dramatic change in your life"
I need you to know this - and let me be VERY clear on this:
I CANNOT CHANGE MY THOUGHTS. I CANNOT CHANGE MY EMOTIONS. THIS IS ENTIRELY OUT OF MY CONTROL BECAUSE IF I COULD CHOOSE BETTER FOR MYSELF - SURELY I WOULD DO IT.
This deep, dark, ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING DEPRESSION I am in is a very real, PHYSICAL, BIOLOGICAL ILLNESS - combined with VERY EMOTIONAL, VERY UNSTABLE events - that mean that NOTHING I do or say or think makes ANY FUCKING DIFFERENCE to how I'm feeling.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!?
I'm not unhappy. I'm not 'tired'. I'm not 'being dramatic'. I'm not 'wallowing'. I'm not seeking attention.
I'm actually really, REALLY unwell.
I can change my depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts as easily as a blind person can just "choose" to see.
Do you get that?!?
HOW FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE THAT IS?!?
Imagine saying to a Cancer patient "just go and look at flowers - you'll be healed in no time"
JUST GO AND FUCKING JUMP UP AND DOWN A FEW TIMES and the cancer will just FUCKING LEAVE your fucking cells!!!
(Lord Jesus, God, Holy Spirit - fellow Christians, I'm sorry for all this swearing but I honestly don't know how else to say how truly desperate I am feeling right now. Please bear with me)
Imagine saying to someone who has lost their home in a Tornado "just BELIEVE in your house and it will come back"
DO FUCKING WHAT?!?
Because that's how it feels to be depressed and suicidal and have people TELL YOU THAT YOU CAN JUST CHANGE IT.
Why don't I suggest to a person who has just lost their leg to a work accident that they just "eat a load of bananas" to fix it - because that's how helpful suggestions are to "think positively" when a person is depressed.
I AM SO FUCKING LOST RIGHT NOW. I AM SO DESPERATE. SO FRIGHTENED. SO PANICKED AND IN SO MUCH FUCKING PAIN EVERY SECOND OF EVERY FUCKING DAY.
AND YOU THINK I CHOSE THIS FOR MYSELF, DO YOU?!?
Do you, Mom?
Do you, friends who recommend "more exercise" or "better sleeping patterns", "take time to breathe more" "count your blessings"
I CAN'T SEE!!! I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE!!! I AM DROWNING in a sea that I DON'T UNDERSTAND while you are all in a boat shouting 'encouragement' at me.
I FUCKING HATE THIS.
AND I HATE THAT YOU THINK I CAN just "Choose" NOT TO EXPERIENCE THIS.
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