I'm feeling a lot better.
I feel strange saying that. Guilty in a way. Really guilty - as if I'm cheating on life somehow.
I'm not happy, though. I'm not 100% 'cured'. I'd love to say I was, but I'm not.
Not yet.
But I've "levelled up".
I've gone from completely suicidal, frightened and desperate - to managing.
I'm not in a deep, dark pit anymore - but I'm not fully out.
I'm high enough in the pit to feel the sun's warm rays on my face, though...and that makes a huge difference.
Alun's parents are here. So is his sister, his niece and his nephew.
Anxiety up 100 notches.
Praise God, meeting with his parents again was fine. We hugged and Mrs Thomas commented right away on how much weight I'd lost "you look wonderful, Janet" - from her, that's a big deal. It's a good start - a start I know God is part of.
Anxiety down 30 notches.
Alun's sister, however - is an entirely different thing. It's like starting again at square one with Mrs Thomas the first time we met all those years ago - but this version is younger and more subtle with her great dislike of me.
I hugged Alun's parents, squealed with excitement over how cute his niece and nephew were - and wasn't sure what to do with his sister, Sarah. Do I hug her, too? Or shake hands? I went in for a handshake (it felt too soon for a hug) and she sort of leaned in/bowed towards me. We bumped bodies awkwardly. Like a horrible jolt.
I think I accidentally grazed her breast.
Great.
Sarah's mouth was turned downwards and her face held the expression of someone who's just smelt a fart.
I tried to make light of it with a giggle and a joke. Sarah was not having a bar of it and regarded me the way a rich person with no manners regards a cleaner.
It was strange to witness; but Sarah treats Alun the way my brother treats me.
It made me feel more love for Alun and more appreciation for how kind, thoughtful and caring he is.
As Sarah sipped on her 'espresso', nibbled at her fancy lunch and talked about her "A class Mercedes" and 'various properties' in her 'portfolio' (who has a portfolio of different houses, for goodness sakes?), it struck me how well she'd get along with my brother. Sarah was dismissive of the wait staff, and went out of her way to purposefully NOT acknowledge or thank them. I hated watching it. She talked mostly...about herself, her accomplishments and how amazing she was.
So I feel closer to Alun than ever.
And a little less alone. I guess I'm not the only one with an asshole for a sibling.
Haha.
I'll write more again soon. Just too tired to write more.
Thank you for being there for me xx
I feel strange saying that. Guilty in a way. Really guilty - as if I'm cheating on life somehow.
I'm not happy, though. I'm not 100% 'cured'. I'd love to say I was, but I'm not.
Not yet.
But I've "levelled up".
I've gone from completely suicidal, frightened and desperate - to managing.
I'm not in a deep, dark pit anymore - but I'm not fully out.
I'm high enough in the pit to feel the sun's warm rays on my face, though...and that makes a huge difference.
Alun's parents are here. So is his sister, his niece and his nephew.
Anxiety up 100 notches.
Praise God, meeting with his parents again was fine. We hugged and Mrs Thomas commented right away on how much weight I'd lost "you look wonderful, Janet" - from her, that's a big deal. It's a good start - a start I know God is part of.
Anxiety down 30 notches.
Alun's sister, however - is an entirely different thing. It's like starting again at square one with Mrs Thomas the first time we met all those years ago - but this version is younger and more subtle with her great dislike of me.
I hugged Alun's parents, squealed with excitement over how cute his niece and nephew were - and wasn't sure what to do with his sister, Sarah. Do I hug her, too? Or shake hands? I went in for a handshake (it felt too soon for a hug) and she sort of leaned in/bowed towards me. We bumped bodies awkwardly. Like a horrible jolt.
I think I accidentally grazed her breast.
Great.
Sarah's mouth was turned downwards and her face held the expression of someone who's just smelt a fart.
I tried to make light of it with a giggle and a joke. Sarah was not having a bar of it and regarded me the way a rich person with no manners regards a cleaner.
It was strange to witness; but Sarah treats Alun the way my brother treats me.
It made me feel more love for Alun and more appreciation for how kind, thoughtful and caring he is.
As Sarah sipped on her 'espresso', nibbled at her fancy lunch and talked about her "A class Mercedes" and 'various properties' in her 'portfolio' (who has a portfolio of different houses, for goodness sakes?), it struck me how well she'd get along with my brother. Sarah was dismissive of the wait staff, and went out of her way to purposefully NOT acknowledge or thank them. I hated watching it. She talked mostly...about herself, her accomplishments and how amazing she was.
So I feel closer to Alun than ever.
And a little less alone. I guess I'm not the only one with an asshole for a sibling.
Haha.
I'll write more again soon. Just too tired to write more.
Thank you for being there for me xx
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