Today, as usual - I was running late for my 11:00am psych appointment.
I was looking forward to seeing "George" - we've been through a lot together and I regard him really, really highly.
The first 2 buses that were meant to arrive at 10:20am and then 10:34am didn't arrive. Argh. So at 10:40am - 2 buses pulled up behind each other. I hate when this happens because then I'm going to be late - and I hate to be late.
I rushed through the city - glad I chose flat ballet-type shoes instead of my usual wedges/heels and got to the Clinic by 11:05am.
Not bad, JD. Not bad.
George opened the main door and beamed his friendly bunched-up-cheeks smile at me.
I went through, expecting to be lead to George's office - but was immediately introduced to a young man in the narrow hallway; smiling away at me.
"Did my secretary call you and tell you that I need you to meet with our resident psychiatrist, Dr B?" George asked.
No she did not.
"Oh...um...are you okay to meet with him? It's really important and I'd consider it a huge favour to me if you could see him before we start our therapy session" George looked uncomfortable.
Okay - for you, George. For all you do for me, I'll go see him.
"Come with me" Dr B said, winking.
I liked him immediately.
We went to his private office and I liked him even more because it was a mess. It had a friendly atmosphere and I immediately felt at ease. As I always do, though - no matter what - I perched on the edge of my chair. Ready to flee - just in case.
"So Janet" Dr B began "George asked me to see you as he's really, really worried about you. I hear you've worked together for 2 years and this is the first time he's been really concerned about your welfare"
Oh.
"I'd like to assess your mental and emotional state and I'd like to ask some questions, is that ok?"
Ok.
He asked some 'simple' questions first
"How old are you?"
I paused. Oh God...how old was I?
In my mind, I'm 32 years old. It's my favourite age as it was my favourite year of my life and I've been unable to accept that I'm now actually 40 years old.
There was a long pause.
Dr B chuckled. It was a lovely, warm, throaty sound.
"And I thought this was a simple question" he said, winking again.
I couldn't help but laugh, too.
"God help me, my mind's gone blank" I admitted "I uhh...I think I'm 40. Yes. Yes. I'm 40. Sorry"
"Don't apologise" He said, scribbling away on his notebook.
He asked other questions - did I have health problems, allergies, how many times had I been hospitalised, how long had I had depression/anxiety, what did I think set me off so very badly this time, what medications had I tried, what was I on currently etc.
We chatted easily and before I knew it, he was asking about why I wanted to kill myself.
"I feel worthless. I'm in pain all the time, scared all the time, sad all the time...I'm in a deep, dark pit in my mind and I'm beyond rescue. I'm trying, Doctor B - I'm trying everything I can and nothing is working. I just want this pain to stop"
He nodded. "I understand what you mean...but have you thought about what happens if you were ever to succeed in killing yourself?"
The world would be a better place.
"I would stop hurting - and stop making the people who love me worry and hurt" I said out loud.
"That's the thing" Dr B said. "I've had 1000's of patients, Janet. I've had 100's that did kill themselves and I've had to counsel those they leave behind and 9 out of 10 times - the person left behind faces so much pain they kill themselves, too...did you know that?"
I didn't. This was so shocking to me, tears ran down my face.
Dr B smiled kindly and pushed a box of tissues towards me.
"Hey" He smiled "I didn't mean to hurt you. I know you're going through hell right now - but I want you to know that if you die - it might stop the pain for you - but it's the beginning of a lifetime of pain for those who love you"
I swallowed. It hurt so much to think of Alun killing himself - because of me.
"What happens is - when you die - you leave a pie, if you like"
A pie?
"A pie of sadness, grief and depression. Everyone you love takes a piece of that pie - your family, your friends - and Alun gets the biggest part - probably 3 quarters of the pie...and they hurt so much over your loss that they start to get depressed, themselves. Someone as sensitive and caring as your husband will never recover from the loss of his wife and it won't be long until he's planning his own suicide...do you understand that?"
I'd never heard of such a thing.
"I counsel so many spouses and siblings and parents who have had someone they love kill themselves and it is a domino effect that pushes someone else to do the same. I hate making you cry - you're a good person and I know you love your husband and your friends, Janet - but I need you to know that if you kill yourself, you leave behind so much destruction and pain...ok?"
OMG.
That's not okay.
That leaves me at a loss because I can't escape this pain. I'm stuck here because I don't want to hurt those who love me.
We talked more. I cried the rest of the session - imagining Alun with a noose around his neck. OMG I can't ever allow that. I have to fight to make sure that never happens.
But how do I fight when I have nothing within me to fight with???
After that tough session, the psychiatrist said I was indeed in a very bad way.
"This is beyond therapy or 'something you can do' to feel better, Janet" he said.
WORDS THAT BLESSED ME SO MUCH because all this time, I've been thinking I'm not trying enough.
"This is actually medical now - your brain is struggling with the wrong chemicals and your anxiety is firing off so much adrenaline and fear that your thinking is askew and you need some serious medical assistance. You need it right away"
So it's not that I'm failing - it's actually a serious medical illness.
You have no idea how much that helps me.
"I'd like you to get some blood tests done tomorrow, and we'll do some brain scans and I'll liaise with your GP and with "George" to make sure we get you on the best medications to correct your brain functions"
Oh.
Okay.
Something - hopeful - rose within me. It is the tiniest, smallest spark - but it ignited.
"Do you think you'll kill yourself today?" he asked.
"No" I answered. I didn't add that I wouldn't mind at all if a train or bus were to run me over - but no, I wouldn't put myself in their path on purpose.
"Here are some numbers you can call 24/7 if you feel like you might kill yourself" Dr B said, scribbling away on scraps of paper. He laughed to himself "I am such a mess. Haha. I have bits of paper all over the place. I get told off for writing on the walls in the hospital but damn it, I like to scribble"
He chuckled and I couldn't help but smile - even though I was still crying.
This guy was pretty cool.
"I'd like you to get your bloods done asap - and then can you promise me you'll stay alive until tomorrow and I'll see you again and we'll work out a plan together for the next few weeks?"
A promise?
This was a big thing.
A thing I don't take lightly.
I stared at the floor.
"Janet?" Dr B prompted
"I don't promise things just like that" I said
"I actually appreciate that. At least you're taking time to think and not just agreeing for the sake of it" he replied.
"I can promise day by day" I finally said. "I'll be here tomorrow"
"Well alright" Dr B flashed a gorgeous smile. Straight, even teeth and a smile that reached his eyes and lit up his whole face. It was a lovely sight. He held up his smallest finger "pinky promise?" and he wiggled it - and his eyebrows - invitingly.
I couldn't help but laugh and wiggled my pinky back at him.
"Ok then. It's a promise. I'll hand you over to 'George' now for your next appointment and I'll book you into my diary for 12 noon tomorrow. See you then"
And he winked again.
Winking is so sexy.
Focus, JD.
So there you go. Me feeling like NOTHING will help me wasn't just me going mad - it's because literally nothing will. My brain is broken and no amount of exercise or 'thinking good thoughts' or 'doing things' will change it - I have to look at what's going on physically inside my mind and my body.
I feel...relieved. It's not something I'm failing at - it's something medical I need a lot of help with.
right?
Well I'll find out more tomorrow.
I was looking forward to seeing "George" - we've been through a lot together and I regard him really, really highly.
The first 2 buses that were meant to arrive at 10:20am and then 10:34am didn't arrive. Argh. So at 10:40am - 2 buses pulled up behind each other. I hate when this happens because then I'm going to be late - and I hate to be late.
I rushed through the city - glad I chose flat ballet-type shoes instead of my usual wedges/heels and got to the Clinic by 11:05am.
Not bad, JD. Not bad.
George opened the main door and beamed his friendly bunched-up-cheeks smile at me.
I went through, expecting to be lead to George's office - but was immediately introduced to a young man in the narrow hallway; smiling away at me.
"Did my secretary call you and tell you that I need you to meet with our resident psychiatrist, Dr B?" George asked.
No she did not.
"Oh...um...are you okay to meet with him? It's really important and I'd consider it a huge favour to me if you could see him before we start our therapy session" George looked uncomfortable.
Okay - for you, George. For all you do for me, I'll go see him.
"Come with me" Dr B said, winking.
I liked him immediately.
We went to his private office and I liked him even more because it was a mess. It had a friendly atmosphere and I immediately felt at ease. As I always do, though - no matter what - I perched on the edge of my chair. Ready to flee - just in case.
"So Janet" Dr B began "George asked me to see you as he's really, really worried about you. I hear you've worked together for 2 years and this is the first time he's been really concerned about your welfare"
Oh.
"I'd like to assess your mental and emotional state and I'd like to ask some questions, is that ok?"
Ok.
He asked some 'simple' questions first
"How old are you?"
I paused. Oh God...how old was I?
In my mind, I'm 32 years old. It's my favourite age as it was my favourite year of my life and I've been unable to accept that I'm now actually 40 years old.
There was a long pause.
Dr B chuckled. It was a lovely, warm, throaty sound.
"And I thought this was a simple question" he said, winking again.
I couldn't help but laugh, too.
"God help me, my mind's gone blank" I admitted "I uhh...I think I'm 40. Yes. Yes. I'm 40. Sorry"
"Don't apologise" He said, scribbling away on his notebook.
He asked other questions - did I have health problems, allergies, how many times had I been hospitalised, how long had I had depression/anxiety, what did I think set me off so very badly this time, what medications had I tried, what was I on currently etc.
We chatted easily and before I knew it, he was asking about why I wanted to kill myself.
"I feel worthless. I'm in pain all the time, scared all the time, sad all the time...I'm in a deep, dark pit in my mind and I'm beyond rescue. I'm trying, Doctor B - I'm trying everything I can and nothing is working. I just want this pain to stop"
He nodded. "I understand what you mean...but have you thought about what happens if you were ever to succeed in killing yourself?"
The world would be a better place.
"I would stop hurting - and stop making the people who love me worry and hurt" I said out loud.
"That's the thing" Dr B said. "I've had 1000's of patients, Janet. I've had 100's that did kill themselves and I've had to counsel those they leave behind and 9 out of 10 times - the person left behind faces so much pain they kill themselves, too...did you know that?"
I didn't. This was so shocking to me, tears ran down my face.
Dr B smiled kindly and pushed a box of tissues towards me.
"Hey" He smiled "I didn't mean to hurt you. I know you're going through hell right now - but I want you to know that if you die - it might stop the pain for you - but it's the beginning of a lifetime of pain for those who love you"
I swallowed. It hurt so much to think of Alun killing himself - because of me.
"What happens is - when you die - you leave a pie, if you like"
A pie?
"A pie of sadness, grief and depression. Everyone you love takes a piece of that pie - your family, your friends - and Alun gets the biggest part - probably 3 quarters of the pie...and they hurt so much over your loss that they start to get depressed, themselves. Someone as sensitive and caring as your husband will never recover from the loss of his wife and it won't be long until he's planning his own suicide...do you understand that?"
I'd never heard of such a thing.
"I counsel so many spouses and siblings and parents who have had someone they love kill themselves and it is a domino effect that pushes someone else to do the same. I hate making you cry - you're a good person and I know you love your husband and your friends, Janet - but I need you to know that if you kill yourself, you leave behind so much destruction and pain...ok?"
OMG.
That's not okay.
That leaves me at a loss because I can't escape this pain. I'm stuck here because I don't want to hurt those who love me.
We talked more. I cried the rest of the session - imagining Alun with a noose around his neck. OMG I can't ever allow that. I have to fight to make sure that never happens.
But how do I fight when I have nothing within me to fight with???
After that tough session, the psychiatrist said I was indeed in a very bad way.
"This is beyond therapy or 'something you can do' to feel better, Janet" he said.
WORDS THAT BLESSED ME SO MUCH because all this time, I've been thinking I'm not trying enough.
"This is actually medical now - your brain is struggling with the wrong chemicals and your anxiety is firing off so much adrenaline and fear that your thinking is askew and you need some serious medical assistance. You need it right away"
So it's not that I'm failing - it's actually a serious medical illness.
You have no idea how much that helps me.
"I'd like you to get some blood tests done tomorrow, and we'll do some brain scans and I'll liaise with your GP and with "George" to make sure we get you on the best medications to correct your brain functions"
Oh.
Okay.
Something - hopeful - rose within me. It is the tiniest, smallest spark - but it ignited.
"Do you think you'll kill yourself today?" he asked.
"No" I answered. I didn't add that I wouldn't mind at all if a train or bus were to run me over - but no, I wouldn't put myself in their path on purpose.
"Here are some numbers you can call 24/7 if you feel like you might kill yourself" Dr B said, scribbling away on scraps of paper. He laughed to himself "I am such a mess. Haha. I have bits of paper all over the place. I get told off for writing on the walls in the hospital but damn it, I like to scribble"
He chuckled and I couldn't help but smile - even though I was still crying.
This guy was pretty cool.
"I'd like you to get your bloods done asap - and then can you promise me you'll stay alive until tomorrow and I'll see you again and we'll work out a plan together for the next few weeks?"
A promise?
This was a big thing.
A thing I don't take lightly.
I stared at the floor.
"Janet?" Dr B prompted
"I don't promise things just like that" I said
"I actually appreciate that. At least you're taking time to think and not just agreeing for the sake of it" he replied.
"I can promise day by day" I finally said. "I'll be here tomorrow"
"Well alright" Dr B flashed a gorgeous smile. Straight, even teeth and a smile that reached his eyes and lit up his whole face. It was a lovely sight. He held up his smallest finger "pinky promise?" and he wiggled it - and his eyebrows - invitingly.
I couldn't help but laugh and wiggled my pinky back at him.
"Ok then. It's a promise. I'll hand you over to 'George' now for your next appointment and I'll book you into my diary for 12 noon tomorrow. See you then"
And he winked again.
Winking is so sexy.
Focus, JD.
So there you go. Me feeling like NOTHING will help me wasn't just me going mad - it's because literally nothing will. My brain is broken and no amount of exercise or 'thinking good thoughts' or 'doing things' will change it - I have to look at what's going on physically inside my mind and my body.
I feel...relieved. It's not something I'm failing at - it's something medical I need a lot of help with.
right?
Well I'll find out more tomorrow.
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