God makes beauty from ashes

Sometimes moving on can be so hard. I remember last year when I got "released" from hospital. The fear of leaving that safe trauma ward was awful. I hated thinking "oh God...now I'll be on my own and I still cant walk"...but you know what? we move on. We move on from petty fights with friends, from stupid family things, from broken hearts and crap days and we hope for better things. Im blessed because I'm experiencing those 'better things' right now, actually. Think about it, Im at work (so Im thankful for a job), I have the world's most amazing people as my friends (seriously, all my friends are worth their weight in gold) I have a safe home, lots of food and money... and I have an amazing boyfriend. Alun met up with me yesterday at the Royal on a sunny, warm Perth day. He had something in a huge shopping bag and held it out to me with an excited grin "OMG Janet - open it, you're gonna LOVE it!" and the smile on his face r...

Today is my 2nd wedding anniversary without Jon. This year, Im more able to accept it. Last year, I was running from it. I ran all the way to a nervous breakdown and a horrific quad bike accident. Odd the way 'just another day' can actually be really hard to get through. I texted Jon last night. First of all, just "hey - how you doin'?"...Jon texted back "yeah good. u?" and I texted "on the whole, pretty blessed. Finding tomorrow hard for obvious reasons. should be just another day but cant seem to stop hurting over it. Hope you'll have a good day. Thinking of you" and didnt hear back from him. Just texting though seemed to take such a weight off. I'd been up most of the night tossing and turning and worrying so once I'd texted Jon - it didnt seem to matter if he texted back or not, I just needed HIM to know I was thinking of him. I went straight to sleep after I'd sent that text. I woke this morning to check my phone an...

Maybe the stupid cow at Bec's work should use HERS more often. Yesterday after a very painful root canal (it was awful but had to be done. The Dentist and her assistant were lovely and kept checking I was okay to go on. I nodded whenever they said "Are you alright?" but the big tears streaming down the sides of my face while I was suspended in the dentist chair gave me away a bit) I saw Bec's car was still at her office building and decided to take her belated birthday gifts in to her. Yes, I am a tool and forgot Bec's birthday. Not on purpose. Not with any malice...but Jay's texts messages were hard on my heart, Bec's rejection of my MANY calls the day after to apologise were hard too and going in person to Bec's office, repeating my apologies and hoping desperately that Bec would afford me some grace and forgive me...or at least be civil were gentle words lost on deaf ears. I shouldn't have even bothered. There I was, with my jaw on fire,...

When Pete, Lyn and Troy had a "Janet Intervention" for me when I was at my worst with my depression. They all came over, brought kick-ass snacks and helped me unravel the HUGE UGLY tangle I'd gotten myself into. When Gracie drove from Ellenbrook to throw out a dead mouse for me. Stupid, but I'd just broken up with Jon and seeing a dead mouse on the living room floor made me think "I have no husband now to deal with this...Im on my OWN" and I cried for hours. Gracie came and not only got rid of the horrible mouse, she took me out for dinner and didnt once call me a "wuss". When Jonathan filled the entire house with flowers after I'd worked my first ever week at work. When Pete and Lyn called from Australia (I was in England) and Id just broken up with Jon. They put me on speaker and spoke to me just the way I always dreamed and hoped MY parents would talk to me. They supported me, loved me, made me their FIRST PRIORITY and sent hundreds of...

Yeah I can tell Im getting better because even though things are tough right now and Im sad and a bit fed up and weary...I still have hope :) I cant help it, it's who I am. I got an email from "Sandy" today. I really care about her and I look up to her and will probably read her email again when im less tired from a long day and it will make more sense...but for now, what I think she was trying to say to me was to take a bit more ownership of my life and to stop asking God to fix it all...or something like that...and I want you to know, Sandy - Im taking ownership of it and doing it ALL myself...but I believe in God and I believe that he hears me and so Im taking EVERYTHING to Him and just asking for some direction on this. I'll email you personally about about that another day. Thanks for always being there for me. I keep trying and failing and falling, then getting excited about something new and getting back up. Im on a very strange path just now and although...

That's what I was doing at 3:30pm yesterday afternoon. I got a text that afternoon from Mike after 4 days of hearing NOTHING from him and having about 5 heart attacks because I naturally imagine the worst when someone I care for is out of contact. Mike texted "hey, i can meet you in the city at 4 if that suits"...it felt like getting a work invite...I knew just from this that things weren't going to go well. Mike had dissapeared for days and days. His phone rang but he just didnt want to take my calls. I left a few worried messages and sent a few worried texts and he FINALLY contacted me on Saturday to say "stop worrying Janet. Im fine. I'll call you when im able to talk"...wtf? when he's able to talk? about WHAT? I didnt hear from Mike again until Sunday afternoon when he texted he could meet me in the city at 4. And now you're all caught up. So there I was, 3:30pm brushing my hair and inspecting my face in the mirror and wondering ...

Father God, Its been awhile. I have you on my heart and in my life but I havent talked to you lately because I feel so far from you. Im having so much fun these days...that Im scared if I DO talk to you, you'll tell me to "stop" and right now, I dont want to. Im having a great time, God. I imagine you as a parent at a day's end calling their little ones in from playing...and Im having too much fun playing right now and want to plead "just 5 more minutes, Dad? ok?" I love you, Lord God. You know that, right? I find it hard to pray right now. I close my eyes and try to talk to you, but nothing happens. I get distracted by the wind, the rain, the sunshine, the voices of people walking past outside...anything and everything seems louder right now than your gentle and quiet voice...so I thought I'd blog instead...and hope you are online right now. (Do you even USE a computer, God? I bet you do. I bet it's an apple and I bet your ipod songlist is AMA...

...thats what Gary was. There he was in the back of the cafe, wearing the red 'tripleJ' cap and tanned long sleeve shirt that he texted me to look out for. He was bent over Uni books, cap down and shoulders slumped and I thought to myself "if this guy is as good looking as I think he's gonna be...there is going to be trouble" I took a deep breath and put my hand out while softly asking "Gary? is that you? Hi...Im Janet" He looked up and had the biggest brown eyes I had ever seen. He looked like Disney had drawn him...or some Chinese Anime' person - because they draw eyes MUCH TOO BIG for a person's head...well, they were Gary's eyes. Warm, brown, huge and had flecks of gold in them. Over the next 2 hours (that passed by in seconds because we had so much fun)...I noticed his eyes twinkled whenever he laughed (which was a lot) and he has cute little wrinkles at the corners of his eyes. He also has straight, even teeth and a personality ...

You'd never guess I was talking about my shower, would you? But yeah...I am. I really am. I had a long day at work today, made a fool of myself several times on Mike's poor answering machine (I swear to God if that boy ever calls me again, he's obviously the one meant for me because I wouldnt call me back, I crossed over to "crazy stalker" level today. Wish I could take it back), and had the phonecall of a lifetime with Jon. After I hung up from the phone-call that changed my life - I went to shower. Stripping off not just my clothes, but guilt, shame, worry and fear with my tatty old things and I stepped into the shower, letting the water...and the memories...slide right off me. The THING is...the shower didn't behave very well. It never bloody does. I think the water system favours every other flat in this building so that whenever someone uses their taps or flushes the toilet, Mom's shower goes from a gorgeous warm/hot temperature to FREEZING with...

Yep. Im a year older. I have actually had a really great birthday and got really spoiled and loved and cherished and blessed. Father God you are so good to me. Thank you. I have just now read all my facebook posts for my birthday and I feel awed by the sheer amount of people who love me. Im floored by it, blessed by it and touched beyond belief by it. WOW. I spent the evening with my besties at Sizzler and loved it. It was a 'quiet' birthday, but one full of love. Awesome. So right now I'm looking at myself and wondering what's next. Where do I go from here? A year ago my life was SO DIFFERENT. So much can change in a year. Right now...NOTHING in my life is the same. I am not even CLOSE to being the person I used to be. Not even close. *sighs* tonight...I've got 'boyce avenue' on in the background, I have my fingers ready at these familiar keys and I'm taking time to look back over my life and think "Right...what have I learned in this past ye...

Sooooooo tired right now. Today I had my 'aptitude' test at the hospital - 5 1/2 hours, ehhhh? it was a long day but the Doctor testing me was really patient and I think if I wasnt so worried about my poor brain, I would have enjoyed the tests cos I cant help it, i like a good challenge! The tiny Janet in me had her boxing gloves on and was PUMPED for what was ahead. I got to do writing, drawing, explaining, making puzzles, colouring in, doing things on a computer...a wide range of things. I could see for myself where my strengths and weaknesses were so it was an eye opener. The Doctors said it was a way to test my brain and my thinking and my problem solving abilities (which i learnt today are REALLY BAD and need ALOT of improvement) and once they get the results together, they will call me in and let me know how I 'rate' and what my brain's doing. Im very aware that I was a bit of a nutcase BEFORE the accident so I dont know really how this will compare to the...

Im at another crossroads. Im starting to think life is made up of them, you know. I spoke to a friend recently who thinks life is made up of lines. We are each lines...criss crossing and linking and sometimes running alongside one another. Sometimes we 'cross' each other's paths in lines and sometimes the lines are crazy. Sometimes lines in our lives can jump the page and be off somewhere we didnt even think of or could ever dream of. I know today that I miss Jon. I can be busy and hectic and feeling on top of the world, but nights like tonight when the temperature drops and my feet are cold...I miss him. I miss that Jon would always rub my feet for me or turn on the hairdryer and make the bedcovers warm...or get my hot water bottle...or even just smile at me and say "awww" and everything...EVERYTHING would seem so much better. How did he do that? I dont know and I miss it. I really do. Im dating like a crazy person right now...trying to fill the HUGE hole...

Sometimes growing is awesome...you feel like you've learnt something and want to rush outside and start changing the world - I felt like that when I was little. I'd pack a lunch in my 'barbie' backpack, jump on my clunky old bmx and go out 'exploring' wanting to change the world and make it a better place... ...and sometimes growing just hurts your heart. ...like it did today when I heard a knock in the door and called out happily "who is it?" (I was expecting Deane - he came over last night and we had a great chat) and heard a very quiet "It's Bec"... ...and just like that, time just stopped. In the space of 2 seconds, these things happened: * I remembered Bec and I laughing and hugging when we went to Fremantle markets and had a great day * I remembered the first day I met Bec and thought my brother had fallen in love with the most beautiful girl I had EVER seen * I remembered being in England and missing Bec more than I misse...

Heya! Im blogging and chatting and texting and "online dating" all at once. And the neurologists said I wouldnt be able to multi-task again! Pfft. Too easy . Seriously, the last few days have been akin to a whirlwind. Blake texted so I've been thrust into 'dating' I guess... ...Add Tim and Paul to that...and you're where I am right now. Overwhelmed, killing myself laughing and thinking "what the HECK do I do with this?" Tiny Janet is NOT amused, however and thinks Im being a tool and I'll end up on the news as the latest murder victim if Im not more careful with my heart. I am ignoring her. Im 33 in 2 weeks! I dont want to end up old and alone! In my entire life, (and I looked back and properly counted! I swear!) I've only dated about 7 boys...so I feel like if I dont put myself out there and experience things...I'll miss out. I'll be old and alone (I dont think I will even end up a cat lady...even cats would get sick of...

Hey! It will have to be a short blog today because im KNACKERED. I went to work early this morning and couldnt BELIEVE how overcast and muggy it was today. Yuck. Still, its a welcome change from the searing sunlight so I enjoyed it, really. Work was MAD busy...everytime a phonecall almost finished, 3 other calls came in. I felt like I blinked and it was time to pack up, hand over to the lovely Sue...and leave. So I ran for the bus and was 10 minutes late to my Psych appointment. I had this eerie, horrible feeling that this was going to be my last one...that PC had finally had enough of me over these months and that he'd say "sorry...you're on your own...weirdo!" and I told him as much. P said "What made you think that?" and I wanted to say "Because everytime I come in here, its not long before your head is in your hands and you look like a balloon I've just popped" but I shrugged instead. We talked on and off about the crazy workings of m...

It's so weird how a song can transport you. How some lyrics can reflect your life and your heart down to the letter. They're the songs you want to play again and again on your ipod. I really admire great songwriters. Carole King, Newton Faulkner, Beyonce, Rob Thomas, John Mayer...the list is endless. While im blogging this to you, I have 'you tube' open and im listening to all my favourite "Nickleback" songs. Why is it I want to wave my lighter in the air and sing with all my heart? "You're never gonna be alone" is my favourite song right now. Whenever it plays, I think of Becci and I miss her so much. I miss all my UK youthies so much. I just wish I could tell them what was going on and why things have turned out like they had. When I left England, I didnt even say proper "Goodbye's" to the people I love so much. Given that chance, I dont even know how I'd BEGIN to say Goodbye. I think thats something Im really struggling w...

Today Im writing from a place of humility. I guess that's the only thing you CAN do when you finally put the truth out there and it lets people know what you REALLY are. I put up a front of someone caring and lovely and happy and sweet when really, on the inside, Im actually really ugly and pathetic. I'm an adulteress who slept with a man who wasn't her husband. I looked long and hard at myself in the mirror and  I dont like what I see. All I can say is that Im sorry. With all my heart, Im so sorry. When I admit my guilt and shame and a friend loves me nonetheless...it's nothing short of magical. I think I read in a book once that friends are the people who walk in when everyone else walks out...Im learning that in a really gritty, real way now. I think friends are the glue that holds this world together. The thing about friends is that they are the people you CHOOSE. A person cant choose their family (hahahhaa! Can you IMAGINE if they could?) but God gives us...